Funny Crap I Have Overheard: The Crazy Uncle Edition
My uncle is known for his wit and using it in often inappropriate ways. He's awkwardly British and says the craziest things. He cracks me up constantly, so I thought I would expand my quote book of humorous things I note down with a "Crazy Uncle" edition. Enjoy.
“There's...There's the window.
[A half an hour later...]
You know when I said there's the window? I was going to say there's the moon, but then I thought, maybe it's just a street light, and I didn't want to sound stupid.”
“You sound depressed. I hope you're not in THAT phase again. Last time you were making pornographic care bear dioramas.”
6 year old commenting on his accent:
“You talk funny”
“I have an extra letter in my alphabet.”
“My next message will include a psychedelic dream sequence, so be prepared.” -txt message
David: “Does everyone have a script?”
Crazy Uncle: “Yes, but it's invisible.”
David: “Did you bring it with you?”
Crazy Uncle: (long pause) “No, it's at home.”
One of my uncle's best friends is an American black man he has known since college- they have an ongoing friendly insult competition often strung with racial slurs:
Max: “Shouldn't you be drinking more lime juice. You're looking a bit pale, my friend.”
Crazy Uncle: “Don't you have an acre to plow in the lower forty?”
I woke up at 3am to discover my uncle in the kitchen, with several packs of raw meat, super glue and a water pistol...
Me: What are you doing?”
Uncle: Duh, makin' a meat gun.
“Was that girl a little fuckin' crispy, or is it just me?”
-after being helped by a very, very perky shopgirl at a music store
“Don't argue with me. It's like firing a six shooter at the Death Star.”
“The Spice girls, right? There was Victoria Beckham, and Emma Bunton, and Scary Spice whatever her name is, and Sporty Spice and Mel B and Hep C...” -when asked if he could name all the Spice Girls
“There's...There's the window.
[A half an hour later...]
You know when I said there's the window? I was going to say there's the moon, but then I thought, maybe it's just a street light, and I didn't want to sound stupid.”
“You sound depressed. I hope you're not in THAT phase again. Last time you were making pornographic care bear dioramas.”
6 year old commenting on his accent:
“You talk funny”
“I have an extra letter in my alphabet.”
“My next message will include a psychedelic dream sequence, so be prepared.” -txt message
David: “Does everyone have a script?”
Crazy Uncle: “Yes, but it's invisible.”
David: “Did you bring it with you?”
Crazy Uncle: (long pause) “No, it's at home.”
One of my uncle's best friends is an American black man he has known since college- they have an ongoing friendly insult competition often strung with racial slurs:
Max: “Shouldn't you be drinking more lime juice. You're looking a bit pale, my friend.”
Crazy Uncle: “Don't you have an acre to plow in the lower forty?”
I woke up at 3am to discover my uncle in the kitchen, with several packs of raw meat, super glue and a water pistol...
Me: What are you doing?”
Uncle: Duh, makin' a meat gun.
“Was that girl a little fuckin' crispy, or is it just me?”
-after being helped by a very, very perky shopgirl at a music store
“Don't argue with me. It's like firing a six shooter at the Death Star.”
“The Spice girls, right? There was Victoria Beckham, and Emma Bunton, and Scary Spice whatever her name is, and Sporty Spice and Mel B and Hep C...” -when asked if he could name all the Spice Girls