Because Tomorrow Comes - Chapter 20
Title: Because Tomorrow Comes - Chapter 20
Author: Marakeshsparrow
Rating: M
Pairing: YunJae
Genre: Drama, Romance, Angst
Warning: This is a work of fiction. I own nothing and do not claim to have any knowledge to real life events. This is how reality played out in my brain, but again it is FICTION.
Summary: Kim Jaejoong and Jung Yunho struggle to move on from the past. After the break-up of the super group TVXQ, they are haunted by memories, regrets, and loss. But there is no escaping the future and no way to return to the days of old. Will they be able to come to terms with their present and learn how to move forward without each other?
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 part 1 | Chapter 12 part 2 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 part 1 | Chapter 19 part 2
A/N: All right! Chapter 20 is here and extra long! Sorry for the wait, I wanted to get the rest of the chapters more or less ready to go so you wouldn't be stuck with another cliff hanger for a week. After chapter 20 there are just two last chaps and an epilogue! I can't believe we've come to the end! But I think you'll enjoy the last few chaps: expect some smiles, tears and general fuzzy feelings! :)
Korean terms:
Hyung = older brother, a term used for older male friends, not only blood relations
Dongsaeng = younger sibling
Eomma = casual "Mom"
Sunbae-nim = a way to refer to your senior with added respect
Ahjumma = polite term for an older woman
Chapter 20
May 2013 - Seoul
Yunho had done it-he’d gone against all his good sense and called Jaejoong. Since he knew Heechul had kept contact with him, he’d texted him asking for Jaejoong’s number.
Are you serious!!??!!?
The soldier had eventually written back.
Yunho-ah, don’t go down this road
He told his hyung he knew what he was doing, that Heechul didn’t have to worry, but did he really? Was it good sense that was driving him to seek out his old flame? Or was it something else? He wouldn’t let his thinking go that far. All he knew was that he wanted to see him again-his brief surprise appearance at Heechul’s party had not been enough.
Thinking about Jaejoong and his beauty-his sad, complex charisma-made his heart hurt, and Yunho didn’t want it to hurt anymore. Maybe Jaejoong had been on to something when he said meeting could cure those old feelings of remorse and regret. Maybe if they kept having friendly, casual encounters from time to time it would eventually disappear forever-like confronting your fears. It might have been a bit nonsensical, but either way, it gave him an excuse to look for his old lover, so he had.
He’d asked him to dinner and Jaejoong had agreed; he’d actually been free. It felt like something was aligning, like they were supposed to see each other that night, otherwise it wouldn’t have been so easy. It made him feel like he was on the right path.
Yunho had a few things scheduled that day, so was able to get through the long hours without too much anxiety. But as evening came around he started getting nervous. What if Jaejoong misread his reasons for wanting to meet? What if he thought Yunho wanted to get back together?
“And that’s impossible,” he said out loud to the mirror of the KBS dressing room.
He was leaving straight from the TV studio and was wearing the clothes he’d had on for a talk show recording. Did he look too dressed up?
“This is stupid,” he muttered and took off his jacket.
“Talking to yourself?” Changmin appeared in the mirror behind him.
“Um, yeah… Sorry.” Yunho threw his jacket over his arm and walked towards the door.
“You’re acting all weird again. Did something happen?”
Yunho froze. Damn! He’d almost gotten away.
“I bet you’re planning on getting into some kind of trouble.” Changmin stepped in front of Yunho with a mischievous grin, blocking the door purposely.
“Am I right?” The younger man waited for his response.
Yunho looked around the dressing room; the staff had all moved out by then. He sighed-he couldn’t lie to Changmin.
“If I tell you, you have to promise not to freak out and go blabbing around, ok?”
Changmin mimed locking his lips and throwing away the key. Yunho gave in.
“I’m going to meet Jaejoong. I called him…”
All the playfulness left the younger member at his words; he furrowed his brow in confusion.
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. I saw him a couple of months ago at a party Heechul hyung threw. So we decided to have dinner.”
Changmin was silent; he moved from the door to sit on the edge of the dressing room table. He shook his head as if trying to clear it.
“Are you getting back together with him?”
“Definitely not,” Yunho said a little too quickly.
Changmin chuckled skeptically. He crossed his arms over his chest.
“I guess I don’t know what to think about this. Are you friends again or something? After not speaking for years?”
Yunho ran a hand through his hair, trying to figure out how to respond. Was he trying to be friends with him? Was it even possible?
“Don’t blow it out of proportion. It’s just a casual meeting.”
Changmin raised an eyebrow.
“Is anything ever casual between you two?”
Yunho looked down at the jacket he’d thrown over his arm, at his collared shirt.
“Do you think I’m too dressed up?”
Changmin snorted in disbelief. “You’re worried about your clothes right now?”
“I don’t want to give Jaejoong the wrong idea.”
“Don’t meet up with him then.”
Yunho met his dongsaeng’s dark, critical eye.
“Why are you so against re-connecting? He used to be your friend too.”
“If it was just a matter of friendship it would be another story. But it’s different for you. You’re like a drug addict going into a crack den saying you won’t be tempted to indulge.”
Yunho blinked.
“That’s a pretty harsh comparison.”
“I only speak from what I witness.”
“I’ll be ok.” Yunho gave a long sigh. “Thanks for being concerned. I appreciate it, though it probably doesn’t seem that way.”
Changmin nodded to show he understood.
“I’ll see you when I get home.” He patted Changmin on his shoulder and smiled.
“Don’t stay out too late!” The younger man called as Yunho slipped out of the dressing room.
“Ok, eomma,” he teased.
Yunho passed his manager as he walked out.
“Say hello to your mom for me!” Jiwook hyung said before he could get into the elevator that led to the parking lot (he’d driven to the station because he knew he would be leaving straight from there).
“Sure.”
He held his hand up to wave goodbye as the electronic doors closed. He hung his head and put one hand over his chest-his heart was racing. He didn’t like lying, but knew he couldn’t tell his manager that he was going to see Jaejoong-the man would probably have a panic attack. His company continued to do everything it could to keep the two TVXQ members from contacting the other three.
Yunho was still uncomfortable when he thought about it. He missed the others, he really did. He missed the way things had been when it was all five of them and wished it were easier to reach out to them. But he supposed all good things come to and end-just how Jaejoong always used to say:
“Beautiful things never last…”
And he’d been right. Yunho had never wanted to think that far into the future, but there were times when Jaejoong had seemed possessed by the uncertainty, like he’d had some sort of premonition.
Yunho never had that kind of foresight-he did things in the moment because they felt right and didn’t always worry about the consequences. Was that what he was doing now? Was Changmin right to worry?
Yunho felt the nervousness that had been building spike at the back of his neck. Maybe he shouldn’t have called Jaejoong to set up this dinner. It had already been a few months since he’d seen him-why stir things up? He closed his eyes, taking a seat behind the wheel of his car. He supposed it was too late to turn back now. He pulled out of the garage and onto the streets of Seoul.
His phone rang suddenly and another spike of anxiety ricocheted through his body; it was probably Jaejoong calling. Would he call to cancel? Maybe Yunho should just go ahead and cancel. His nervousness was clouding his gut feeling on the matter. When he picked up his cell he saw it wasn’t who he’d thought. He smiled.
“Hey pretty lady.”
At first there wasn’t an answer and then he heard faint sounds of weeping. He sat forward in his seat, concerned.
“What’s wrong? Bo-ah? Talk to me.”
“Yunho~” she whined over the phone, her voice breaking in tears.
Kwon Bo-ah, technically his sunbae-nim BoA, had for a long time been one of Yunho’s best friends, and though he’d seen the other idol through several tough times (and vice-versa) he’d never heard her crying like this.
“Are you hurt? Where are you?”
“I’m not hurt . . . except . . .”
More sobs. Yunho waited for her to answer.
“Koji broke up with me…I thought we were going to get married next year and he just ended it. He didn’t even give me a real explanation.”
The line was overtaken with crying and anger and sad commiseration erased the anxiety he’d been feeling. He looked up at the clock on his dash and made his decision.
“Tell me where you are. I’m going to come find you.”
“I’m at my place. I can’t go out in public like this. Can you come here?”
“Of course. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
They hung up and he turned his car around, driving in the direction of her Gangnam apartment. He didn’t know if he was doing the right thing, but all he could think about was going to her; Bo-ah was like a real younger sister to him, except he trusted her even more than his own flesh and blood.
She was one of the only “outsiders” he’d ever been completely honest with. She knew about his history with Jaejoong, had been extremely close with him as well, and had never questioned them or thought their relationship was strange. Yunho had probably told her more about his feelings when everything had gone sour than even Changmin. Bo-ah was incredibly important to him-she’d been there for him in his dark time and now he felt like he had to be there for her.
But still, a knot of regret had formed in his stomach. He sat at a red light and wondered again-was he doing the right thing by going to his friend instead of his old lover? He looked back down at his phone and saw the time again; it was already several minutes past when he said he would meet Jaejoong at the restaurant. Was he being a coward? He’d already had thoughts of backing out-was this just an excuse not to go?
“Shit.”
He hesitated, gripping the steering wheel, unsure what to do. The light turned green and a car honked. He continued on to Bo-ah’s house.
Once he’d parked, he texted Jaejoong-honestly afraid to call and tell him. He knew he was being weak, but the honest truth was that his friend needed him, excuse or no. Jaejoong would just have to understand
He went up to her new place; she’d only recently moved out on her own, away from the S.M. dormitories. The second Yunho walked through the door, she clung to him-she looked very young and very upset, like a small child who has fallen and skinned her knee. Yunho could understand the pain she was experiencing and wished he could do something to help, but he knew that time was the only way to heal these kinds of wounds. Though in some cases, even years didn’t take it away completely.
He heated up some warm tea for Bo-ah to sip and she finally started to calm down. She told him all about the shocking split-how it had come out of nowhere, how her long-time Japanese boyfriend, Sato Koji, had said he didn’t love her anymore and couldn’t be in a loveless relationship. Tears fell silently as she spoke and she wiped them absent-mindedly with one hand.
“I think he met someone else-it’s the only thing I can think of. I mean, I know sometimes it was hard to see each other. But why wouldn’t he be honest with me about it?” she questioned Yunho miserably.
He sighed. “I don’t know. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the truth when it’s an unhappy one.”
The other idol sniffled, her tears drying at last. But the air of misery lingered over her like a shroud. Yunho leaned forward and squeezed one of her hands.
“Maybe you just need to ask him.”
“No!” She snapped adamantly. “I’m never going to speak to him again.”
“Never say never.”
He leaned back in his seat and looked at his phone lying on the table next to him. It had been an hour since he sent the text to Jaejoong and there’d been no response. His anxiety started creeping back.
“You look awfully nice tonight. It took me a while to even notice through my watery eyes.” She chuckled softly. He smiled.
“I came from KBS. I had an interview earlier.”
“I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?”
“Not at all. I was finished and was heading out to meet-” he stopped himself suddenly. Maybe he shouldn’t bring it up.
“You were going out to meet someone? I feel bad. Was it a date?”
Yunho laughed and shook his head.
“No, not really. I was actually on my way to see Jaejoong.”
There was silence. She stared at him in shock with wide eyes.
“What? Really?”
“Yeah, it wasn’t a big deal though. I told him a friend needed me.”
Bo-ah jumped up off the couch and grabbed Yunho by the arm, pulling him to his feet. He was so surprised he didn’t resist.
“What are you-”
“You have to go see him,” she cut him off and started pushing him towards the door.
“Wait. Wait-I told him we’d do it some other time.”
“No. You should see him. He’s your Koji. You can’t let this opportunity pass.”
“But what about you?”
“I’m fine. I’ll be fine. We can talk tomorrow. If I’d know you had something like this planned, I never would have asked you to come over.”
Yunho couldn’t help but laugh at her serious insistence.
“Hold on a minute. I left my phone on the table.” He walked back to grab it, amused by his dongsaeng’s prodding. He slid it in his pocket.
“I missed our dinner reservation. It’s probably too late to meet up with him now. You don’t have to rush me out.”
“Then go to where he lives. Whatever you can do. It’s not like you ever see him or even have the opportunity these days.”
Her eyes bore into Yunho and he looked down, feeling properly chastised. Why were his younger friends always lecturing him?
“Listen to me-I know how hard you took the split. You may have been able to hide it from other people, but I sat by when you cried and went on and on about how you didn’t know if you’d done the right thing. This is your chance to get the closure you always wanted.”
“This coming from the girl who just said she’s never speaking to her ex again.”
She waved away his comment. “I’m always saying stuff I don’t really mean. I’m serious about what I’m telling you now though. If you don’t at least try to see him I know you’ll regret it.”
“Ok. Ok. I guess I shouldn’t take your advice lightly. You always tell me to go where the wind takes me-if you’re so adamant about this…”
“It’s because I really mean it. Now go!” She slapped him roughly on the back as he slid his feet into his shoes. “And be prepared to say you’re sorry. I’m sure Jaejoong won’t be happy.”
He stopped at the door to look back at her.
“I’m calling you tomorrow to check on you.”
“I’ll look forward to it. I want to hear how things go.”
“I would keep my expectations low if I were you.”
She chuckled and they parted ways. Back in his car he stared at his phone. Did he call Jaejoong? Maybe a surprise attack was the best method, the way Jaejoong had done when he came to Heechul’s party.
Heechul-would he know where Jaejoong lived? He figured that was his best bet. He dialed, but there was no answer. He sighed, frustrated. It would be nice when Heechul got out of the army and was easier to reach; recently it was hit or miss.
He tried to think, running through contacts in his head and in his phone. Who would still be in contact with Jaejoong? Who knew him well enough to have his address? He stopped at a particular name: Hong Seok Chun-he’d been a mutual friend for a long time, another person who had been privy to their relationship since he was gay himself. Yunho knew he still spent time with Jaejoong-he’d seen them together a couple years before and the snippets he saw online said they still hung out from time to time. In fact he thought he’d heard some kind of rumor about the two of them-that made him pause.
He shook his head; it didn’t matter even if it was true. He had a mission to complete. It didn’t matter what Jaejoong’s personal life looked like. Bo-ah was right, this was his chance to get closure and he was going to latch onto the opportunity. He shouldn’t have let himself back down so easily before. He dialed the number.
“Hello?” He answered after one ring.
“Seok Chun-ssi…do you still have this number saved in your phone?”
There was silence for a moment, then:
“Yunho?”
“How have you been?”
He heard laughter come over the line.
“I can’t believe I’m hearing from you right now. I was just talking about you earlier today.”
“Oh really?” Yunho was curious.
“To what do I owe this surprise?” He didn’t share what he’d said about him. Yunho pushed ahead.
“Do you still see Jaejoong these days?”
Silence again.
“I do… Why do you ask?”
He could hear amused suspicion in the older man’s voice and it annoyed him that he was already drawing conclusions.
“I have to say this up front-what I’m going to ask has nothing to do with getting back together with him.”
“…Ok…”
“I mean, I just want to talk to him about something.”
Seok Chun didn’t say anything.
“It’s about closure. I think it’ll be good for both of us.”
“So…what are you calling me about?”
Yunho pulled the phone away from his ear and grimaced; he was babbling like an idiot. He probably sounded even more ridiculous than he had before he’s lame excuses.
“Hello? Yunho?” He heard Seok Chun’s voice faintly over the line.
“Ah! Sorry… Do you have Jaejoong’s address?”
Luck was on his side. Seok Chun did and he gave it to Yunho without a fuss, adding this little nugget before they got off the phone-
“Jaejoong’s never really gotten over you.”
Yunho’s heart sped up. He didn’t know what to say.
“I’m only telling you that because I hope you don’t end up hurting him more.” He paused then laughed.
“Jaejoong would kill me if he knew I told you that, so just keep it to yourself.”
“I don’t want to hurt him.” Seok Chun’s words had struck him roughly. That was the last thing he wanted.
“Well good.”
A voice in the background said something Yunho couldn’t understand. Seok Chun answered back, but it was muffled too, as if he had his hand over the receiver.
“I’ve got to go.” He came back on the line. “It was good hearing from you though. Don’t be a stranger.”
Yunho promised he’d give him a call again and then he was driving to Jaejoong’s apartment, palms sweating, heart racing the whole way.
There was security at the parking garage but when they saw who he was they let him inside without question. The security guards inside the building were a little more skeptical, especially when he asked them to let him up to Jaejoong’s place without announcing him. He had to pull out his phone and go on-line to prove he was who he said he was and that he really was an old friend.
Finally they sent him up-Yunho was almost vibrating with nerves. He still hadn’t heard anything from the other man since he’d texted him a couple hours before; he was sure he was angry and Jaejoong’s temper could burn like dry ice.
At last Yunho stood in front of his door. He hesitated-was this crazy? He thought about it for a few moments; he still had a chance to back out, leave and pretend like nothing had happened, just continue living on the way he had been.
He took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell. He would not run away. He’d already come this far.
Yunho waited. He looked into the camera stationed above the intercom. If he knew Jaejoong at all he was probably pretending he wasn’t home. He smirked.
“Jaejoong-I’m sure you’re in there watching me and debating if you should open the door…”
He waited another minute. Maybe he should call; Jaejoong might have been sleeping or in the shower. He reached for his phone when suddenly he thought he heard the sound of footsteps coming down the hall. His stomach jumped up into his throat.
The door cracked open.
*****
May 2009 - Seoul
Because TVXQ were promoting in both Korea and Japan they were following individual schedules more than they ever had in the past. Jaejoong spent a lot of time in Tokyo since he spoke the best Japanese out of all of them. Meanwhile Yunho was here and there, doing variety shows in Korea, making appearances with Junsu or Yoochun, filming commercials (CFs)-trying to keep Dong Bang Shin Ki in the eyes of the Korean public since the year before they’d been so scarce.
They were also finishing their Mirotic tour and getting ready to start The Secret Code Japanese tour, so of course all five were together at those times, but in general Yunho would go days at a time without seeing the four other members all together, without seeing Jaejoong.
It seemed like every time they thought their schedule couldn’t get any crazier, things would step up a notch; the same went for their stardom. Their fame was more intense, more overwhelming than ever. Sometimes it felt like everything was at a breaking point; he could see the weariness in his member’s eyes, could tell it was getting too hard.
At times it even felt like too much for him, but he couldn’t let the cracks show. He was their leader, their backbone-if he didn’t put on a brave face he knew they wouldn’t be able to. The only choice was to keep moving forward. It was difficult though, hard to keep smiling when there was so much pressure, and when he and Jaejoong had been having trouble.
At one time they had been a solace to one another; Jaejoong had been his port in the storm, where he would turn when things were too much and then he’d feel like it was all ok. Now, more often than not, his lover was a source of added stress-his moods had always been up and down, but it felt he was down more and more. Being around him for extended periods of time had started to make him feel almost claustrophobic, it was hard to handle his neediness.
Everything had gotten worse since they’d had their blow up fight about the 85 Club. He hadn’t had the patience to even speak with Jaejoong for a couple days after that; he’d felt Jaejoong unjustly accused his friends of using him.
The whole situation had been unnecessarily stressful and had made him feel like he was trapped between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, he didn’t want to hurt Jaejoong-maybe he should have fought for him more, stood his ground when they’d asked him to stop bringing him along to their get togethers. But a part of him enjoyed being the center of attention, enjoyed the carefree fun he had amongst the other 85-ers. Was it so wrong to enjoy time away from Jaejoong? It didn’t mean he didn’t love him. He felt like he couldn’t do anything right.
It had taken him a while to cool off, finally making up with his frustrating lover. But that still hadn’t been the end of it-to his utter astonishment, the lead singer had continued to fight him on the subject, urging him to stop spending time with the club, insisting they weren’t really his friends. It became an ongoing point of contention between them. Sometimes Yunho was glad their current schedule kept them from seeing one another every day.
And then other times he missed the complex man fiercely. There was still that part of him that softened when he looked at Jaejoong, there was still that instant physical attraction that made his heart pound in his chest and his body ache for his touch.
Sometimes he caught Jaejoong’s eye and he felt almost breathless; his beauty had only gotten more bewitching, his sex appeal was intoxicating and clouded his judgment. This feeling, this persistent love, was often the only thing that kept him going in the relationship, why he continued to put up with their arguments and the other singer’s hot and cold behavior. He craved Jaejoong; he was like an addiction Yunho couldn’t quit.
When he was angry with him all he had to do was look into his large, doe eyes and his frustration would be taken over by desire-it was truly maddening. He’d recently found himself wishing Jaejoong didn’t have such a hold on him, that he’d never started down the road of this consuming, complicated relationship. Surely it would have been simpler if they’d found a way to just remain friends, the way Jaejoong had wanted several years before. Then again, perhaps it had all been inevitable.
He was currently in one of his “missing Jaejoong” cycles. The lead singer had been in Japan for a few days and now Yoochun and Junsu had joined him as well. They would be doing some promotions together while Yunho and Changmin held down the fort in Seoul. At the end of the week they would be joining them in Saipan to film a Korean music video, and then it was back to Japan for last rehearsals before The Secret Code started it’s run.
Things had been particularly lonely this time in Korea-he hadn’t had any chance to see his family or get together with his friends; it had been almost non-stop work. Stress made him think of his beautiful Jaejoong. He’d been daydreaming about reuniting with him, thought about touching his soft, pale skin, feeling his lips move down his body.
He felt a rough nudge against his arm and looked up to see Changmin.
“Hyung-I found something online.”
They were sitting in the green room waiting to go on stage to do a quick fan signing. It felt weird doing it with just the two of them, still the fans had come out and he was going to give his best to try and make up for the lack of the other three members.
Changmin held the laptop he’d been playing around with out to Yunho. He set it on the table in front of him. Changmin leaned over his shoulder and pulled up a rumor news site.
“I don’t usually pay attention to this stuff, but I happened to stumble upon this.”
Yunho looked at the screen. It was all in Hiragana-he could read it, but had to go a little slow. The headline said:
Tohoshinki’s Kim Jaejoong Rumored to be Gay-Is He Secretly Dating Yamapi?
“What the hell is this?”
Yunho scrolled down to an image of Jaejoong and the popular Japanese idol and actor standing to the side of what looked like a variety show set; Yamapi was leaning close to the TVXQ member, whispering something in his ear. Jaejoong stood with his arms crossed, looking down slightly, a shy flirty smile on his face. Yunho had seen that expression before. It suddenly felt extremely hot in the dressing room.
“Apparently they were spotted together a couple times in public too,” Changmin added.
Yunho couldn’t stop staring at that picture. Surely this was all just a rumor; he knew Jaejoong wasn’t seeing this guy-it was impossible. But the look in his eye…that was definitely something.
“I’m sure they weren’t actually seen in public outside of work-there aren’t any pictures, so there’s no proof.”
Changmin shrugged. “You two get away with it when we’re in Japan.”
Yunho frowned. There was no way Jaejoong was interested in this guy (though he was particularly handsome). If they had been spotted in public, surely it was just meeting as friends. No-he wouldn’t let this get to him. It was just a silly rumor.
“Why are you showing this to me? You never get involved in our business. What do you even care?”
“I care because he’s making a bad name for us. Tohoshinki’s Kim Jaejoong-that doesn’t look good. I bet Tae-suk hyung doesn’t even know about this. He’ll freak out when he hears.”
“Avex is probably taking care of it. And a small Japanese rumor mill won’t reach anyone in Korea.”
“Well I found it!” He protested. “And it doesn’t even matter. Half our fans are Japanese-they’ll see it.”
Yunho shut the laptop and pushed it away.
“It’ll blow over. No one’s going to take it seriously.”
He stood up, giving Changmin a look to show he was done with the conversation. He couldn’t afford to let this throw him off; the fans would expect TVXQ’s leader to be cheerful. He put it out of his mind and focused on his job-a professional as always.
As the day wore on though, the image of Jaejoong with the Japanese idol kept coming back. He pulled out his phone to text the lead singer who suddenly felt particularly far away.
How has your day been?
It took a while for him to text back (slightly unusual), but when he did, his response eased Yunho’s anxiety.
We need our fearless leader here with us. We’re nothing without him.
Yunho grinned.
Are you speaking for the others or just yourself?
They miss you too.
Then in a second text:
Hurry up and come back to us.
Yunho was satisfied; he didn’t need to worry about the stupid article Changmin had shown him. He doubted if Jaejoong ever even looked at anyone else in that way; he knew he belonged to Yunho.
Their last few days promoting in Korea went by quickly, and they ended up stopping over in Tokyo for a night before heading on to Saipan. They got in late and their island-bound plane was leaving early the next morning, so there wasn’t much to do but go straight to bed.
When they arrived at their shared apartment though, Jaejoong was still up waiting. The second he saw Yunho he jumped up, smiling and energetic, and threw his arms around his neck, locking onto his lips roughly, nearly knocking the larger man sideways with the weight of his bag still on his shoulder.
“I couldn’t wait for you to get here-it feels like it’s been forever.”
Yunho laughed. “Let me at least get in the door and set my stuff down.”
Changmin moved past them, an impatient scowl across his face.
“It’s only been a few days, have you even had time to miss him?”
“I always miss our leader.” Jaejoong smirked, not taking his eyes off his lover.
Yunho stepped into the living room, putting his bag on a chair. Jaejoong stayed close at his side like a puppy that had eagerly been awaiting his master. He could tell what Jaejoong was in the mood for, could practically feel the other man’s arousal radiating off him in waves. He felt his own excitement start to grow.
“Haven’t you been making new friends here recently?” Changmin raised an eyebrow.
Though Yunho had done his best not to give that rumor mill article much thought, it was clear the youngest member was still unhappy about it.
“What do you mean?” Jaejoong turned surprised, innocent eyes to the maknae.
Yunho glared and signaled for Changmin to cut it out. He didn’t want this coming up right now, especially when it looked like he would be getting lucky. But Changmin could rarely be controlled by his hyungs these days.
“I heard you’ve been seen around town with Yamapi-san.” He crossed his arms, suddenly seeming older than either of them. Jaejoong blinked.
“Oh yeah, he’s a friend.”
“You’ve gone out with him then?”
“Changmin, let it go,” Yunho pleaded. He really didn’t want to go down this road.
Suddenly Jaejoong burst out laughing-they both looked at him in surprise.
“Are you talking about those stupid rumors? Yah, Changmin-ah-I didn’t think you visited those kinds of websites.” Jaejoong turned to Yunho.
“We did go out. But it was with a bunch of other work people. I don’t know why that rumor was started.” He laughed again and gestured towards Changmin. “Has he been pissed about this?”
Yunho nodded, chuckling. Jaejoong reached out and poked the youngest playfully in the stomach.
“Aigoo-I didn’t know you cared so much.”
“I’m going to bed,” Changmin grumbled, dragging his bag to his room.
“Goodnight!” The leader called as he disappeared down the hall.
Jaejoong tugged on Yunho’s jacket making him face his way.
“You weren’t pissed about it, were you?” He gave a seductive smile.
Yunho could have told the truth, that despite his best efforts to shrug it off, it had bothered him. But Jaejoong had slipped his hands inside his jacket and was making circles on his lower back with his fingers-all Yunho could think about was moving into his bedroom and letting Jaejoong undress him the way he loved to do. He smirked.
“I know I’m the only one you really want.”
“Hmmm…someone’s awfully full of himself.”
“I learned from the master.”
“I’m not full of myself. I just like acknowledging how amazing I am.”
Yunho laughed loudly. “Oh, ok. You’re not full of yourself at all.”
Jaejoong stepped even closer and brought his lips to Yunho’s. He felt that familiar magic take hold of him, that bewitching effect this man always had on him.
“How about we go to your room and I show you some of my amazing qualities…” Jaejoong murmured against his lips.
His breath smelled fresh and sweet; he’d probably already showered and brushed his teeth. Yunho felt a shiver run down his body at the thought of soft, pale freshly scrubbed skin. He grabbed Jaejoong by the hand and dragged him laughing to his bedroom. He knew Jaejoong was amazing, but it never hurt to have a little reminder.
And he was not disappointed; the sex was like it usually was-mind-blowing, all consuming. In those moments, when they were moving together, their limbs and sweat intermingling, it always felt like they were ok, like they still loved each other as fiercely as they had that first time they’d made love, as if they were the only two people in the world-like they would never stop feeling so intensely.
But as the afterglow began to wear off, Yunho came back to himself, and with it came the thought of that photo-Jaejoong smiling flirtily with Mr. Big-shot… He’d done so well keeping useless jealously at bay, but after Changmin kept bringing it up, and after feeling Jaejoong’s heat beneath him, the idea of his lover even looking at someone else was like a thorn in his side.
To make matters worse, Jaejoong was lying next to him playing with his phone. He thought he had missed him “so much,” but it hadn’t taken long for him to start messaging with someone else. This only added to his annoyance.
“Who are you texting at this time?”
Jaejoong didn’t take his eyes off his screen.
“Hamasaki Ayumi-she’s a friend. She’s doing a shoot in the States right now.”
Yunho tried to steal a glance at his phone’s screen, but he quickly turned it towards his chest.
“Why?”
Yunho propped up on one arm and reached out for the cell.
“Let me see.”
Jaejoong held it away from him.
“Tell me why and I’ll show you.”
The leader shook his head and grabbed Jaejoong’s hand phone. He looked at it, possessed-he was never like this, but he had a weird feeling Jaejoong was lying to him.
But to his embarrassment it was just the older singer, Ayumi, like Jaejoong had said. The singer snatched his phone back and smacked Yunho hard on the arm.
“What’s gotten into you?”
“You don’t text Yamapi do you?”
Jaejoong let out a laugh.
“I knew that’s what this was about.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“No, I don’t. Satisfied?”
The impish singer shook his head, trying to hide a smile.
“I can’t believe you’re so jealous about this.”
“I’m not!”
Jaejoong poked Yunho in his ribs making him squirm.
“You lied earlier when you said it didn’t bother you.”
“It doesn’t bother me.”
“Then why do you care if I text him or not?” He persisted, clearly enjoying this. Yunho sighed in frustration, giving up.
“Ok, so it bothered me. A little bit. Changmin showed me that picture that was taken of you two and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.”
Yunho rolled away from the other man in a gruff. He was embarrassed and annoyed he felt that way; he hadn’t even wanted to admit his jealousy to himself, much less Jaejoong.
A gentle hand rested on his hip and then ran up across his chest, hugging him close.
“Yunho’s jealous~” he teased. His breath tickled the back of his neck when he spoke and chills went down his body.
“Stop it.” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying his best to ignore Jaejoong.
“What would you do if I was secretly dating Yamapi?”
“Shut up.”
Jaejoong laughed. He squeezed Yunho tighter and kissed his neck.
“You’re the only one I love.”
Yunho felt his body relax slightly at his words.
“If you don’t know that by now then you’re not as smart as you think you are,” he continued.
“You say this as if you never get jealous.”
“I’ve never been jealous in my life.”
“Ha!”
Jaejoong chuckled. “See? I made you laugh.”
Yunho couldn’t help but smile. He turned over so he could see Jaejoong. He had dyed his hair a light honey color again; it suited him well, that color-made his fair skin and dark eyes seem all the more angelic somehow.
“Promise me you won’t get into any more scandals like this. Changmin was really worried about it.”
“Oh well if Changmin was upset…”
Yunho laughed. “I’m serious.”
“I can’t always help who flirts with me. I guess I’m just too irresistible…” he waggled his eyebrows playfully.
“Right-I forgot. No one’s immune to your charm.”
“My sex appeal is like nerve gas. It leaves you powerless and twitching.”
They both erupted in hysterics at that. The embarrassment and frustration faded away with their joking. Yunho opened one arm as an invitation and Jaejoong moved in close, laying his head on his shoulder.
“I’ll do my best though. Not to create rumors. If I’m going to be in a scandal it should be with you.”
“Oh, that’s real reassuring.” Yunho ran his hand up and down Jaejoong’s back, content despite his teasing.
“I really do love you,” Jaejoong said low, no longer playing around.
“I know.” He kissed the top of Jaejoong’s head and started to feel sleepy, thoughts of Yamapi and jealousy far away.
But that was not the end of it.
For a couple weeks things were ok. They spent a few days in Saipan as planned, filming a Korean music video-Picture of You-and also a special for All About DBSK that would be coming out soon. They all had a pretty good time on the island, but even their so-called “vacation” was stressful with a grueling filming schedule and a huge amount of staff around them.
Still it felt good to take a break from their constant promotions, the hectic demands back home and in Japan. Jaejoong was chosen to MC for their special and Yunho had to admit it was pretty cute seeing him struggle to keep it together. He knew Jaejoong wasn’t always the most eloquent spokesperson, but the fans had chosen him because they loved him. They were all just as intoxicated by his charm-it really couldn’t be helped.
It pleased him knowing that he was the only one who actually got to hold him though, that he was the only one who knew him intimately, knew what his lips felt like, what he tasted like. However, he was also one of the few who knew how troubled Jaejoong could be, how he was hard to handle when he was in a low mood-how loving him could hurt as much as it could thrill.
When they returned to Japan the stress returned. Their tour for The Secret Code was starting and it was all hands on deck to get the show on the road. On top of this they still had their other promotions and schedule.
Everything was wearing thin. It always felt like they were stretched to the limit-after operating on sheer will for so long… Sometimes it felt impossible. With the stress came tension and disagreements amongst the group, and more trouble for him and Jaejoong.
Now that the tour was finally underway, their promotions continued to heat up. Though they were in Japan, they were still finishing up filming for their Korean special DVD AADBSK3, and they were also making lots of TV appearances. It seemed like every other day there was another taping, another variety show, more interviews. And Yunho had noticed an unsettling trend: more and more male Japanese celebrities were flocking around Jaejoong and paying him attention. Of course girls did too, but there was something about the way the actors and Japanese idols looked at Jaejoong-like he was a tasty morsel ready for the sampling-that really put his stomach in knots.
One day, after a particularly grueling show the night before, they were scheduled to be on SMAPxSMAP, a variety show hosted by the senior pop group with a couple other guests. Things went well enough; they’d met the members of SMAP a few times before so were able to play off them fairly well.
However, in between filming Yunho couldn’t help but notice one member in particular-Tsuyoshi Kasunagi-had cornered Jaejoong and was making him laugh. He was awfully close to him, smiling at the attractive lead singer with a gleam in his eye. Yunho felt his temperature rise. Jaejoong had told him he’d be more careful, that he wouldn’t do anything to cause rumors. But here he was, flirting, with all the crew and studio audience as witnesses.
Yunho looked around at the others; Junsu and Yoochun were laughing at some private joke between the two of them, oblivious. But Changmin was also watching Jaejoong, a disapproving scowl across his face. The younger member turned and met Yunho’s eye; he looked away quickly-he didn’t like what he’d seen in Changmin’s expression, as if he expected Yunho to do something to control the other man.
But Yunho was at a loss. He was afraid that if he interrupted things he’d be too obvious, that all the onlookers might find it strange. He glanced back at the two. Now Tsuyoshi-san had his phone out; it looked like he was getting Jaejoong’s number.
Screw it, he thought and started towards them.
Just then the SMAP member turned from Jaejoong, pocketing his phone and walking away. He winked at Yunho when he crossed by him. All of a sudden the usually levelheaded leader hated this guy and his smarmy look. Did he seriously think he had a chance with Jaejoong? Did he even dare to try?
Yunho gazed across the studio to the popular TVXQ member. He was already playing with his phone and before Yunho even realized it, his feet were moving him rapidly towards his frustrating lover.
Jaejoong looked up as he noticed his approach, smiling, but instantly switched to concern when he caught Yunho’s expression.
“What’s wrong?”
“What was that all about?”
Jaejoong seemed puzzled by his words.
“Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean.” He was doing his best to keep his voice low and his body language casual, but inside his anger was burning white hot, burning him up.
“I asked you to be careful and you and Tsuyoshi-san are making a spectacle of yourselves. There are a lot of people around.”
Jaejoong frowned. “We weren’t making a spectacle.”
He was defensive, which made Yunho’s alarm go off. Just then one of the director’s assistants called out that they all needed to take their seats for the next segment. Yunho shot Jaejoong a warning glare.
“We’re not done talking about this.”
They returned to their places, having to fall back into their show personas. But Yunho was having a hard time keeping his smile on-he didn’t feel like himself. Maybe it was the nights on end without much sleep, but suddenly he didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to be on the show or in Japan-he wanted to go home. He wanted to be with his mom and dad and sister, away from the lights, away from the reach of the cameras and constant onlookers. His heart was racing; his face felt flushed.
Luckily the rest of the taping didn’t take long to finish and then they were ushered back to the green room where some food had been prepared for the guests of the show. The member’s eagerly took advantage of the meal-if they didn’t eat then, they wouldn’t be able to again for several hours. Unfortunately Yunho had lost his appetite. He watched the others chat and have their fill.
“Hyung-are you not eating?” Junsu looked across the table at the leader.
“Mm. Something I had earlier must not have settled right.” He put a hand on his stomach.
“You should get Jaejoong to prick your finger,” Yoochun smirked. “He loves that ahjumma stuff.”
Junsu looked around. “Where is Jaejoongie hyung?”
Yunho suddenly realized he’d lost track of him. It had been in the blink of an eye. He’d been next to him walking to the table-Yunho had thought he sat down at the same time. He turned around and quickly spotted the missing member; Tsuyoshi-san had stopped him again near the food spread and was chatting his ear off.
“Looks like he has a new admirer,” Changmin quipped, voice thick with sarcastic displeasure.
Yunho stood instantly and approached them; he was interrupting this time, he didn’t give a shit. He grabbed Jaejoong’s arm.
“Let’s go. I need to talk to you.”
Tsuyoshi-san turned to Yunho in surprise.
“Jaejoong hasn’t even had a chance to eat his lunch. Can’t it wait?”
“No, it can’t wait,” he snapped.
He took Jaejoong’s plate from him and led him out of the green room to an adjoining dressing room. He knew he was the one creating a spectacle now, but was beyond caring. All he could think about was how Jaejoong kept going against what he’d asked-how he kept letting these male artists fawn over him even though he knew it bothered Yunho. It was almost like he was doing it on purpose. He was seeing red.
The leader closed the dressing room door behind them and dropped Jaejoong’s plate on the counter, spilling bits of rice and unagi. Jaejoong looked from the food to the seething taller man in shock.
“Have you lost your mind?”
“Why do you constantly have to be the center of attention?” Yunho asked abruptly.
“What?”
“You must love that everyone flocks around you flirting all the time. Do you really need more of an ego boost?”
He could see that struck the other singer. Yunho didn’t know where these words were coming from-it almost felt like someone was pulling strings on him as if he were a puppet, making him do and say things he normally wouldn’t.
“Are you talking about Kasunagi?”
“You call him Kasunagi?” Yunho laughed incredulously. “Are you that close suddenly?”
“You need to take a deep breath and calm down.” Jaejoong took a step in Yunho’s direction like he was approaching a wild animal.
“Kasunagi-san is nothing more than a friendly acquaintance.”
“Oh, really? He was practically drooling over you. Like some dirty old perv… It’s disgusting.”
“Can you hear yourself right now?” Jaejoong looked up at the other man in exasperation. “We weren’t doing anything unusual-Kasunagi-san was talking about the show.”
“Well that’s not what it looked like,” Yunho insisted.
“Maybe to you, because for some reason you got it in your head that everyone who talks to me wants to fuck me.”
“Changmin noticed too.”
“Well Changmin needs to relax and mind his own business!” Jaejoong was yelling now to match Yunho’s angry tone.
At the sound of his voice ringing out in the empty dressing room Yunho came back to himself; this wasn’t the place to fight like they were doing. He did as Jaejoong had suggested and took a deep breath to calm himself before continuing.
“You say he should mind his own business, but it’s all of our business when you get into scandals-it reflects back on all of us. That’s why I asked you to be careful, but it’s like you don’t even care.”
“So I can’t even talk to people without causing some kind of rumor?” Jaejoong frowned. “What am I supposed to do, keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself like a good little boy? That’s crazy.”
“I don’t think you even realize the way you come across sometimes. You probably don’t mean to, but it seems like your flirting. I think that’s why guys keep hanging around you.”
Jaejoong crossed his arms and looked away in thought.
“You should just admit you’re jealous and stop trying to play concerned leader.”
When he turned back to meet Yunho’s gaze his eyes were dark, challenging him, daring him to admit it. He felt his temper rise again.
“Listen Jaejoong-I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to rile me up like you always do, but I’m not falling for it this time.”
“Rile you up?”
“Don’t act like you’re not thrilled by the thought of me being jealous.” He laughed bitterly. “I swear, sometimes you’re a mystery and other times I can read you like a book.”
Jaejoong shot icy daggers at the leader.
“You’re an asshole.” He took another step towards Yunho in defiance.
“So it’s ok for you to be surrounded by your friends with them all hanging on your every word, but when I try to make friends, I’m scheming to make you jealous. I’m always the bad guy. I’m always the one at fault. Blame everything on Jaejoong since he’s already so fucked up.” He pushed Yunho roughly and his back hit the dressing room door.
“Well it’s the truth isn’t it? You’re doing it on purpose to get to me, aren’t you?”
“Maybe I like the attention!” Jaejoong bellowed. “Maybe I like how they flirt because it’s been harder and harder to get you to even look my way. You’d rather spend your time with other people than the person you apparently love!”
Yunho looked down. He was so tired; he just wanted to go home. He felt the fight go out of him-all that was left was weariness.
“Sometimes it’s too hard to be with you,” he said low.
There was silence for several moments. Finally he glanced up and met Jaejoong’s eyes-they were wide and filled with sadness; a single tear escaped down his cheek.
“I have to go back out. I can’t talk about this anymore.” His voice was shaking and Yunho had the momentary desire to reach out and wrap him in his arms, erase everything that had just been said between them.
But he didn’t do anything. Jaejoong walked out of the dressing room to join the others. Yunho looked at the plate of food he’d left behind and suddenly felt like crying too.
What had happened to them?
*****
The next few days were slow and painful. They had several more appearances to make before they travelled to Nagoya for the next stop on their tour and there was tension in the group.
He and Jaejoong were at odds, barely speaking, and everyone was aware and trying not to acknowledge it. The others knew they’d had a blow up fight at the end of filming SMAPxSMAP, he thought the show’s whole crew had probably known and now things felt awkward.
Yunho was trying his best to rise above it and do his job, though it took almost every ounce of his will. He felt distracted and out of sorts. He had been doing a lot of thinking and a thick wave of misery lurked just under his skin, making his limbs feel sluggish and heavy.
He didn’t know what they were doing any more. It had gotten so hard to be with Jaejoong-and what was it all for? He had told Jaejoong once long before that they didn’t know what the future held, but now he had to ask himself again: could they really be together forever? With the lives they lead it felt like an impossibility. So why were they putting themselves through the hardship?
He felt like something had to be done, he had to have a talk with Jaejoong, but the other man made the first move.
“I’m tired of not speaking, so I’m swallowing my pride and breaking the silence.”
He’d found the leader on the balcony of their Tokyo residence. They’d been told to rest up that night since there was a performance the next day and they had to drive to Nagoya early in the morning, but Yunho was having a hard time quieting his mind. There was too much ricocheting through his head.
Jaejoong saddled up next to the pensive man, leaning back against the railing so he was facing opposite him.
“I’m still angry, but I guess I went kind of crazy too that one time I crashed your party. We can call it even. What do you say?”
Yunho looked out at Tokyo beyond, the sparkling lights and glow of the tower in the distance. It reminded Yunho of the Eiffel Tower and made him think of that long ago time when they’d been in Paris. How even then, in the thick of their passionate love, Jaejoong had been worrying about their future.
Perhaps he’d been right to worry. Yunho had done everything he could to quiet his doubts, but maybe he’d been foolish to believe he could love Jaejoong the way he wanted, to stand by him without getting burned.
“Yunho?” He brought him back from his thoughts. He was watching him expectantly, beautiful in the glow of the city beyond.
Yunho felt his heart tighten; he was always so beautiful, he’d been blinded and confused by it so many times. But this time he didn’t want to let his attraction fog his judgment. No, he was done.
“Are you still mad at me? I promise I’ll be careful. I really mean it this time. I won’t flirt with anyone.” Jaejoong smirked. “Except you.”
“I think we should stop.” The words rang out in the quiet night air.
Jaejoong gave a perplexed look. “Stop what?”
“I think we should stop what we’ve been doing.”
He looked to Jaejoong, feeling somber.
“I think we should break up.”
To Be Continued...