My fandom_stocking roundup
I had a bunch more people I wanted to write for (including many of you lovely folks) but I just plain ran out of time and energy. If I didn't get to you, I'm sorry, but maybe you'll enjoy one of these fics?
Title: Remember the Maine
Genre: Slash, humor
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ianto sometimes forgets just how much Jack has traveled. But not for long.
Notes: For Liz_chan's fandom_stocking. This fic exists only because MsCongeniality is made of awesome and took the time to brainstorm a bunch of ideas for me.
* * * * *
Ianto sighed, leaning back in the SUV's seat, grateful that Jack had gotten the really nice leather seats. If he had to spend hours chasing phantom Rift activity across Wales, at least they could be comfortable.
Jack glanced away from the road, smiling at him. "Bored?"
"Maybe you should have taken Tosh with you. At least she can bring some of her work with her, but it's not as if I can bring the archives."
"But I'd rather have you with me," Jack said, and the glance this time was...different.
Ianto flushed. "I'm not having sex with you while you're driving, in case you wondered."
Jack threw his head back, laughing, and Ianto took a moment to admire the line of his throat.
The road passed by in a blur and Ianto stared out, not really seeing the so-far familiar sight of the edges of Cardiff.
"Have I ever told you--"
"If this is another story about the twin acrobats, I'm not in the mood."
Grinning, Jack shook his head. "No. It's about the time I changed the course of American history by accident."
Ianto blinked. "I'm almost afraid to ask."
"Well, it was a long time ago, long before I met the Doctor, and I was on this US naval vessel off the coast of Cuba--"
* * * * *
Crouching in a storage closet on the USS Maine, Jack sighed. He'd been sent to investigate some strange readings on Earth around 19th century Cuba and he hadn't expected to end up on a ship, which made it a lot harder to creep around, even with his advanced technology. He was dressed to blend in around town, but not on a military vessel.
Wasn't there something funny about being in a closet on Earth? Jack tried to remember as he waited for the two sets of footsteps to disappear around a corner. No, maybe that was a different century, he decided, gently opening the door and peering out. All clear.
He went back to following the readings, which seemed to be somewhere toward the bow of the ship. As he walked, he tried to figure out why he'd been sent with such vague instructions. It was almost certain he hadn't been told something important...although that wasn't anything new. Jack muffled a laugh as he remembered a particular incident involving a hot cup of tea and...
Aha. The readings definitely led here. Jack jumped as the quiet ship was suddenly filled with music, as someone started to play some kind of mournful music. Jack glanced around before pulling his blaster and opening the door marked A-16.
The man lying on the floor near the pile of coal got Jack's attention first, especially because he was bleeding rather profusely. But as Jack took an involuntary step toward the mine, the other inhabitant of the room made his presence known from the shadows, knocking the blaster out of Jack's hand.
The scuffle was short and quiet, as neither Jack nor the slightly scaly alien (Where the heck was he from? And when?) wanted to be interrupted by another one of the locals. Jack kicked the other guy's legs out and dove for the blaster, only to be brought up short by a chokehold. An elbow rammed into some kind of rib approximation got him just enough room to dive again, but his fingers only brushed the blaster before the alien was atop him and they were rolling around the floor.
Distantly, Jack could hear that the music he'd heard had stopped playing, as he got a hand free long enough for a good punch to the face. In a moment he had the blaster in his hand and he was aiming for the alien, but he was just too late, the alien's foot knocking his arm aside.
Which caused the blaster fire to hit the pile of coal. Jack could see the alien's mouth framing something that was undoubtedly an obscenity as Jack swiftly hit the emergency escape button on his wristband, disappearing an instant ahead of the explosion he could see coming toward him.
* * * * *
Leaning against a lamppost in bustling New York, Jack looked at front page of the New York Journal newspaper for February 17, 1898, which he'd bought from a scruffy kid on the street corner. "THE DESTRUCTION OF THE WAR SHIP MAINE WAS THE WORK OF AN ENEMY," the headline screamed above notices of a reward. It looked like war was on its way.
Jack shrugged, tossing the paper into the nearest trashcan and opening his wristband. "That's the timestream for you."
* * * * *
Ianto realized he was staring at Jack with his jaw hanging down, and he swiftly closed his mouth. "You...started the Spanish-American War?"
"Well, the yellow journalists and politicians had something to do with it, but...yes."
"You're unbelievable." Ianto shook his head.
"You don't believe I started the war?" Jack said with an adorable pout.
"I didn't say that. I can absolutely believe that you'd start a war. I just can't believe you let all those men die and you weren't worried about what happened to them."
"Oh, that." Shrugging, Jack swung the SUV through a roundabout at a higher speed than was absolutely necessary. "Well, it took me a while, but I did get around to fixing that. I accumulated some unavoidable corpses over the course of my missions and I went back and exchanged them with the live men on the Maine. Wiped their memories and dropped them in Kansas, Oklahoma, and California, if I remember correctly."
Ianto rubbed his forehead. "Unavoidable corpses?"
"Long story."
"We've got time."
Ianto could see Jack trying not to grin. "There I was on Nebulon III..."
--end--
Title: Foul Shirts and Smocks
Genre: Humor, romance
Rating: G
Summary: It's not easy dating an anal-retentive superhero, you know. Of course, sometimes it's even harder to be said anal-retentive superhero.
Notes: For Amarin_Rose's fandom_stocking. I noticed something in your wishlist and it seemed like a challenge to me. ::coughs::
* * * * *
PDA in one hand and hairbrush in the other, Tim wandered from the kitchen to the bedroom, half his mind occupied in trying to schedule his day and the other half trying to remember when Kon said he'd be home.
Pleasantly occupied, he was in an excellent mood until his first step into the bedroom, when he tripped over a pair of sneakers--doing an athletic roll that would have surprised anyone who knew Tim Drake but not Robin--wincing as he rolled over a sweaty t-shirt and landed on a pile of filthy socks.
He sat for a long moment in that position, unhurt but slowly working up a head of steam. But all might have been well nonetheless had he not heard a door close and footsteps coming toward him. It was only a few moments before the footsteps paused and Kon's voice spoke.
"Uh, dude, is there a reason you're communing with my laundry?"
Tim stood and turned in one fluid motion, stalking toward Kon. He pointed with the hairbrush. "That...is not laundry. Laundry is clothing that is about to be laundered. Laundry is clothing that is, oh, in our laundry basket.
Kon took a step back, hands up as if he needed to protect himself. "Whoa there."
"Whoa?" Tim growled. "I can't even walk into the bedroom without encountering a pile of filthy clothing. It's driving me *insane*!"
Kon blinked. He looked down at the laundry and up again. "So you want me to put it in the basket?"
Tossing the hairbrush onto the dresser, where it landed neatly in its spot, Tim poked Kon in the chest with the PDA he still held. "Yes. I want the laundry off the floor. Never to be seen there again."
"Okay," Kon said with a shrug. "Why didn't you just say so?" With a touch, he levitated the entire pile over to the basket. "A little communication goes a long way, y'know."
Tim smacked his forehead with a palm.
--end--
Final note: Other readers should know that Amarin Rose said "Any gift will be loved, cherished, adored, etc. Except used socks. *g*" So obviously I had to gift her with used socks, right?
Title: Five Times Nathan Stark Thought a Lobotomy Sounded Good
Genre: Humor/romance/drama/stuff
Rating: G
Summary: It's tough being the smartest man around, you know.
Notes: Written for Wabbitseason's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
1.
Almost every time he has to deal with Carter. Perhaps a lobotomy would make the man easier to understand.
"So you guys made a freeze ray," Carter said, staring at Parkinson, who stood with one leg just above the floor, as he had for the last hour.
"No, Carter, it's a quantum inhibitor, which--"
"A freeze ray, right."
* * * * *
2.
That first date with Ally, where he acted and sounded like an idiot. Seriously, he'd just finished his second PhD and he actually asked her *astrological sign* because his mind went completely blank when she walked into the room.
She teased him about that for years. He knew their marriage was in trouble when she stopped.
* * * * *
3.
The soundproofing at GD was excellent, and that was generally a plus, as it meant that not everyone had to hear the inane conversation of other scientists, phone calls to husbands and wives, random explosions, or other minutiae of life.
There were times, however, when Nathan wished he'd convinced the contractors to skimp *just a little* on that excellent soundproofing.
Scowling, Nathan entered Zane's lab, prepared to ream him out over the two late progress reports. Unfortunately, the two people in the lab were so occupied they didn't even hear him.
He backed out of the room as quickly as he could, but it wasn't fast enough. The sight of Zane and Jo Lupo, half-naked, would unfortunately stay with him for a very long time.
* * * * *
4.
The incident with the bowling ball, the orangutans, and a giant ball of purple Play Do. 'Nuff said.
* * * * *
5.
"What did you do, Fargo?"
Fargo jumped and nearly dropped the remote control in his hand. "Nothing! I didn't do anything, Dr. Stark!"
"Mm-hmm." Nathan remembered his mother appealing to the ceiling for patience and wondered if it would help. "Then I'm sure there's another explanation for the fact that my computer is currently displaying text only in Swahili."
Fargo's eyes widened. "But I, um, I mean, maybe someone who reads Swahili needed to use it?"
Nathan crossed his arms and just glared. "Fix it, Fargo."
"Why do you think it's me?"
"Because if it were anyone else at GD, it would have *exploded*." Nathan rubbed his temple. "Just fix it."
--end--
Title: Sharing Equally Their Pleasures
Genre: Crossover, humor, uh...romance? Ish?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: You just never know what the Rift is going to drop in Cardiff.
Notes: Written for Ladysarahii's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
True, Rift activity didn't always mean deadly danger, Ianto had to admit. And in theory that was a good thing, or they'd all be dead even earlier than Torchwood employees usually died.
But somehow this was just anticlimactic. Or...maybe that wasn't exactly the word Ianto was looking for. Sighing, he shifted his position against the cinder block wall and hoped it wasn't leaving unimaginable filth on his favorite suit. Well, there was a reason they had an account at the best dry cleaner in town, after all. He glanced back at the scene in front of him and wondered just how much dry cleaning was going to be necessary.
Gwen's eyes were bugging out and she had turned away, but she kept peeking glances at Ianto, apparently expecting him to wade into the situation and do something drastic. But honestly, what was the point? It was Jack Harkness they were talking about, after all. This was bound to happen every once in a while.
His hands on the very tight pair of brown pants encasing what Ianto had to admit was a very nice arse, Jack finally came up for air. Somewhat breathless, he grinned at Ianto. "Ianto, I'd like you to meet Mal. Mal, this is Ianto."
"I'm pleased to meet you," Ianto said with a smile.
Mal apparently had a modicum of shame as his face was red, and not just from Jack's kissing, but he managed a polite nod even with Jack wrapped around him. "Likewise pleased to meet you. Uh, sorry about--"
"Don't be," Ianto said. "If I minded sharing, I should hardly be with Jack."
The muffled gasp from Gwen, combined with the matching predatory grins on Jack's and Mal's faces made it all worthwhile. It might take a while to get rid of Gwen and her protective streak, but Ianto had a feeling his patience would be rewarded.
After all, it usually was.
--end--
Title: Time Rushes By
Genre: Humor, romance
Rating: PG
Summary: Is a little bit of free time too much to ask? On Atlantis, apparently so.
Continuity: Takes place whenever you think it does.
Notes: For Tielan's fandom_stocking. Because I've been promising something like this forever...
* * * * *
Monday:
"John," Teyla said, smiling as he entered her 'office.' "It is good to see you."
He grinned. "Guess what?"
"What?" He loved his games, so she played along.
"I just conned Major Lorne into writing my last two reports for me!"
"Oh!" She sat up straight. "Then, let's--" But she didn't even get to finish her sentence.
"There you two are," Rodney said, bursting through the door. "I need you both to come help me with this project."
"Rodney, I believe you have subordinates who can help you." Teyla tried not to scowl at him.
"Yes, but they're busy and you're just sitting around." He waved a dismissive hand. "And besides, they're all idiots."
"Yes, we're aware of what you think of them," John said, from behind the hand that was covering his eyes. "However, we actually did have plans."
"But they're not as important as what I'm doing, so come along. Chop chop, I haven't got all day." And he stalked out of the room, not even looking to see if they were following.
Sighing, Teyla stood.
"We could--"
"No. We should help our teammate."
John looked like he wanted to argue, but he followed her out the door.
* * * * *
Tuesday:
As they left the mission debriefing, Teyla raised her eyebrows at John. He nodded and they casually waved at the group leaving the conference room, then peeled off toward the living areas.
They made it around one corner and were speeding up when John stopped in his tracks. Turning, Teyla started to ask what he was doing when she saw the finger touching his radio and the annoyed look on his face. Rubbing her temple, she leaned against the nearest wall and listened.
"Well, actually I--"
Pause.
"Of course. I'll be right there."
Teyla just *looked* at him.
John gave her a weak grin. "It's Elizabeth. She needs to talk to me. I'll, uh, try to be as fast as I can?"
"No matter. Ronon and I will be sparring this afternoon. And then I believe Major Lorne wishes me to train with the two new lieutenants." Which would, as John knew, eat up the rest of the day.
"Right." He jittered in place in a fashion she knew she should not find adorable in a grown man, before bouncing forward and kissing her quickly on the lips. "I'm sorry."
"There is no need."
He grinned. "C'mon, are you telling me I haven't done *something* wrong lately?"
"Just go," she said with a sigh.
* * * * *
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday:
"So, uh," John's voice said through the radio in her ear.
"Yes?"
"This emergency on the mainland..."
"Does, in fact, require my presence," Teyla said tartly, wiping Jinto's forehead with a damp cloth, "as the leader of my people."
"Everybody's going to be okay, right?" John had obviously realized his massive mistake.
She sighed, then took a deep breath before answering. "Yes, they will be fine. The earthquake did not kill anyone, but it was unsettling and there are some injuries. I need to be here."
"I know."
Teyla moved among the hastily assembled litters, checking that everyone was comfortable, patting shoulders, smiling gently at those who needed reassurance.
"I guess I can't say I need you to come back to me," John said eventually.
"No," she said, putting a finger to her ear, so that everyone would know she was speaking to Atlantis. "But you may admit to missing me."
"Not just missing you, I'm--"
"John."
He chuckled. "Soon."
"Soon."
* * * * *
Saturday:
The call came just as Teyla was stepping off the puddlejumper. "We need you and those marines you're bringing back to deal with our escapees," John said, sounding weary.
"Escapees?" She gestured to the Marines and prepared to run, visions of captive Genii loose in the city dancing through her head.
"Uh, yeah. Escaped bunnies."
Teyla tripped over her own feet and the Marines were hard-pressed not to stare at the sight. But she was too busy speaking to care. "Bunnies?"
"Bunnies. Young rabbits. Well, not exactly rabbits, but those furry things with the long ears from M3R-289."
"The chac'law."
"Yep."
"You set chac'law free in the city."
"Not set free exactly. More like one of Rodney's crew--"
She could hear Rodney vociferously disclaiming any credit or blame in the background and she took a moment to gesture 'with me' to the Marines, setting off down the corridor at a fast trot. "One of the scientists let them go."
"Well, let one out to play and it, uh, seems to have gotten the others out of their cages."
"Chac'law chew on *anything*, John."
"I know, you and Ronon told us that."
"*Anything*. They can chew through wires, cables, boxes..."
"Oh sh--"
"Precisely. Where is Ronon?"
"Off-world."
She stifled the Athosian obscenity that bubbled to her lips. "Retrieve him if possible. I will need his expertise in catching the chac'law. Meanwhile, please retrieve for me..."
* * * * *
Sunday:
After four hours helping to clean up a hazardous spill in the botany lab, they'd sent out an Atlantis-wide e-mail, swearing eternal vengeance on anyone who disturbed them for anything less than a combined Genii/Wraith/Ori invasion. They'd locked the door, then jimmied it so Rodney couldn't just walk in (since he'd undoubtedly deleted their e-mail unread). They'd firmly told Atlantis to behave. They'd retrieved dinner early from the mess so they didn't need to leave the room.
As they settled onto the bed with a sigh (from Teyla) and a groan (from John), they grinned at each other with unrestrained glee.
"Finally alone," John said, reaching for her.
Teyla traced John's face with her fingers, enjoying the feel of him, then leaned in for a kiss.
Just as the kiss was getting interesting, John had to break it in order to yawn. "Sorry sorry," he said, getting his jaw under control.
She smiled and leaned in to kiss him again, stopping when her own yawn broke free. "Now I must apologize."
"It's been one of those weeks," he said, scooting closer on the pillow.
"Mmm." She held him close, watching as his eyes slid shut, then sighed before giving in to the inevitable, drifting off to sleep herself.
--end--
Title: Five Times Captain Jack Harkness Was Surprised
Genre: Crossover, crack, humor
Rating: G
Summary: Travel as long as Jack does and eventually something will surprise you, okay?
Notes: For Leyenn's fandom_stocking. You say go wild, I think Jack Harkness...
* * * * *
1.
The two men, one dark-haired and bearded, the other dark-skinned, had their arms around each other in an unmistakable way. And if Jack had the slightest bit of shame, he'd get the hell out of the out-of-the-way corridor on this Earth space station before they noticed him.
Unfortunately, Captain Jack Harkness and shame barely fit in the same sentence together. He wolf-whistled. "Very nice."
The men jumped apart like they'd been hit by an electric shock and before Jack could react, the bearded man had him backed up against a wall, a staff that he could swear hadn't been there a moment ago against his throat.
Jack sighed. "Welcome to Babylon 5," he said. "You'd think I'd know how to avoid Rangers by now."
* * * * *
2.
The voice was...wrong. In an indefinable sort of way.
I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE SO EAGER TO SEE ME, the voice said, seeming to echo through the darkish mist.
Jack blinked. And blinked again. "Uh...sorry?"
DON'T WORRY. WE'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT LATER.
"What?"
The cowled figure managed to sigh without having either lungs or breath. NEVER MIND. YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.
* * * * *
3.
With all of the alarms blaring and the nasty space vampires on their way, Jack was expecting the two guns pointed at him and the suspicious expressions. Holding his hands carefully away from his blaster, he smiled. "Hi. I think I can help fix the shielding if you'll let me."
Jack was figuring it would take them until practically the nick of time to make the decision and he was braced for the last-minute rush.
Then a head popped up from inside the console. "What do you know about multiphasic shielding?" a scowling man demanded.
"Built it in my cradle," Jack said cheerfully.
"Rodney..." one of the men with guns said.
"Yes yes," Rodney said, flapping a hand in obvious dismissal. "Because he's obviously more dangerous than the *approaching Wraith vessel.*"
"I promise, I don't want to be eaten any more than you do," Jack said, not bothering to mention the fact that he could leave at any time.
"Then come over here and start rewiring the other section of this console or we're all going to end up hors d'oeuvres." Rodney ducked back under the console.
Jack blinked. This wasn't exactly how these things usually went.
"Are you an idiot?" Rodney's voice called from under the console. "If you're going to help, you'd better get started *now*."
With a shrug, the man with the gun who'd spoken waved him over to the shielding controls. "Might as well do what he says or he'll yell louder."
Jack shook his head. Sometimes people were just *weird*.
* * * * *
4.
"Magic?" Jack said for the fifth time.
"Yes, magic," the red-haired girl said again, giving him a look that implied that he had approximately the brain of a Rigellian sea slug.
Sitting down on the nearest rock, Jack looked at the three kids in robes carrying sticks. "I've *got* to stop hitting the randomizer button."
* * * * *
5.
Jack stood at the base of the ramp, feeling the eyes of several crewmembers on him as he negotiated with the captain of the ship. He had a feeling he was on trial in more ways than one, but out here on the fringe, everybody was wary and nearly everyone was running from *something*.
He wished wistfully for his wristband, and if he was going to get it back, he was going to have to convince this ship--or one with as good a reputation for getting you there no matter what--to take him on.
"We don't got a lotta room for passengers," Captain Reynolds said.
"I can pull my weight," Jack said, trying to avoid looking at the captain's very very nice ass. "I can help with cargo and I'm pretty good at fixing all kinds of things."
"You really need to get to Sundown." It wasn't a question.
"I do." Jack had been trying to decide whether he was better off showing his desperation or playing hard to get. Something about Reynolds made up his mind. "I believe that an important possession of mine is currently being held there. If I don't get it back...I won't be able to go home."
Reynolds looked skeptical, but whirled at the sound of footsteps on the ramp. "River, get back in the ship."
The slender young woman ignored the captain, gliding down the ramp toward Jack, who took one look at the way she moved and stayed absolutely positively still. He'd only seen a few people who looked like that and they were all deadlier than a snake.
"River--"
"He's important but he doesn't know it," she said, standing in front of Jack and peering up at him with a fey expression.
Jack's eyebrows shot up. "Me?"
"Destiny. A smell of history. It's coming soon."
Jack opened his mouth and then closed it again. He had no idea how to respond to that.
Reynolds looked at both of them, his mouth twisting in annoyance before he finally spit out a question. "Is it safe to take him on?"
"Yes," River said without hesitating. "He's not a bad man any longer." She stared into Jack's eyes and it felt like she could see everything he'd ever done. He could hardly breathe from the pressure. "Well, mostly not."
The disappointment in her voice was so strong, Jack felt like he should be apologizing. In a strangled voice, he managed, "I swear I mean no harm to your crew or your allies."
River reached up and touched his cheek gently and he shivered, knowing what she could do to him if she wanted. "Time is all tangled around you, like a web, trapping, holding. But you're not caught unless you want to be."
She couldn't...Jack nodded once, even if he didn't entirely understand. And he resolved that when he got his wristband back, he was going to take on something nice and simple. Maybe London, World War II. Someplace with no telepaths.
--end--
Title: Made All The Mistakes
Genre: Crossover, humor
Rating: PG
Summary: Just when Jack Carter thought his life couldn't get any worse...
Notes: Written for Ladybug218's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.--physicist Niels Bohr
Jack sighed as soon as he walked into the GD conference room and looked at the man with his sneakered feet propped up on the shiny tabletop.
He'd *known* it was going to be one of those days when he woke up and SARAH nearly killed him with exploding coffee and sure enough...it had been one of those days. It'd be nice if Eureka could get through a week without a wacky caper involving explosions or meteors, but nooooo...
Only this time it wasn't so wacky, because three of GD's scientists were near death, and even Stark was declaring himself stumped, and that *never* happened. So they'd brought in a medical expert.
Which seemed like a good idea until Jack *met* the expert and found himself wishing for Stark at his most sarcastic instead. Hell, he'd take Stark and that smarmy kid who tried to take Fargo's job and...
"Get me a hooker," Gregory House said, swinging his cane around.
"What?" Jack stopped dead in his tracks and stared.
"Sex helps me think."
"I am not--"
Before Jack could finish his vehement refusal, he turned at a sound behind him. "Carter," Jo said, striding into the room, "Allison needs your help down in the labs."
"That was fast," House said, leering at Jo.
Jack paused. For a moment, he was almost ready to let the man keep going. But his innate good nature wouldn't let him. "I wouldn't," he said.
Jo stared at him. "What?"
"Not you. Him." Jack gave House a look that hopefully conveyed the absolute and undeniable fact that Jo would wipe the floor with him, medical expert or no expert. She *might* feel guilty about it later.
House seemed to get the message, shrugging and pulling a pill bottle out of his pocket. "Well, at least get me some of your idiot scientists to yell at. I can't think without someone to abuse."
Jack and Jo grinned at each other, then turned in unison to lean through the doorway. "FARGO!"
--end--
Title: A Superhero and a Teaboy Walk Into a Bar...
Genre: Crossover, crack, humor
Rating: G
Summary: The title says it all, I think.
Notes: Written for Thecomingnight's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
Roy leaned his head against his palm and considered the other man. "That bad, huh?"
"Worse," Ianto said mournfully into his mediocre beer.
"Huh."
"And it's not like he can even *help it*."
"Are you sure? Because Dick..." Roy waved a hand, helpless to explain his lover and his lover's background with anything less than diagrams, a flowchart, and an entire novel with extensive footnotes. "I mean, it's more that everyone *else* does it, but still..."
"I'm pretty sure." Ianto sighed, swirling his glass.
"Flirts with everyone. Yeah, sounds familiar."
Ianto looked up. "Oh, that's not the problem. It's that he flirts with everyone and every*thing*. Last week, he was flirting with a creature that had *tentacles.*"
Roy waved to the bartender for something stronger to drink. He had a feeling they were going to need it.
--end--
Title: Hours of Visitors
Genre: Crossover, humor
Rating: PG
Summary: Vicki and Henry's movie night is derailed by overseas visitors.
Continuity: ::stares at you:: Bwahahahahahahaha!
Notes: For Melissima's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
When Vicki dropped by Henry's apartment for movie night, she was expecting that he'd provide pizza and beer for her and maybe flirt a bit. She *wasn't* expecting there to be other guests. Or for those guests to be quite as...interesting as they turned out to be.
Pausing in the doorway, Vicki stared at the two men and a woman who were arrayed around Henry's living room. An Asian woman peered anxiously at her from over by the bookshelf, a young man looked up from one of Henry's graphic novels, and a, well, square-jawed movie star type had paused in the middle of speaking to look at her curiously.
"Am I interrupting something?" Vicki asked, perhaps a little nastier than she'd intended. But damn it, it had been a hard week and she'd looked forward to relaxing.
Henry smiled at her from his place on the couch next to the movie star. "I think you're just in time. Jack, this is Vicki. Vicki, this is an old friend, Captain Jack Harkness."
Harkness stood and held out a hand, smiling the kind of smile that a) looked like it should sell toothpaste and b) made her hackles go up. She crossed the room and carefully shook his hand. "Captain of *what* exactly?"
Henry and Harkness both laughed as if she'd said something funny and she scowled at them. "Cut the comedy and tell me what's going on."
"I'm sorry, Vicki," Henry said, still chuckling. "It's just that I told Jack you wouldn't be charmed instantly, but he didn't believe me."
The young man smirked. "Jack believes he can charm everyone. Generally he's right."
"Thank you for giving away more of my secrets, Ianto." The grin Harkness threw at the other man was much more genuine than the one he'd tried on her. "Let me introduce my colleagues Ianto Jones and Toshiko Sato."
"You can introduce them all you want, but I still don't know what's going on." Vicki looked at Henry.
"They work for a top secret British government agency and they're here to ask our help."
She raised her eyebrows and looked at the others, expecting laughter. But they were now deadly serious. "Ooookay," she said.
"Ms. Nelson," Harkness said, with the most earnest expression she'd seen that wasn't on a puppy or Mike. "If we don't find something that's been brought to Toronto, we're looking at the end of the world as we know it."
Vicki shrugged. "Been there, done that, have the tattoos to prove it."
"She does," Henry said.
Harkness ignored both of them. "An object...appeared in Wales and we were attempting to find it when someone else found it first. We've tracked it as far as Toronto, but it's lost somewhere in the city." He waved at the woman, Sato. "Tosh has done a fabulous job, but the city is too big."
Sato came forward, head ducked slightly, and picked up several odd bits of machinery from the coffee table. "I've been tracking the EM signature of the device, but wherever it is, it's either gone into hibernation mode or it's being masked, because the signal is too faint to triangulate."
Despite herself, Vicki found herself getting interested. "You're sure it hasn't been moved?"
"Absolutely," Sato said.
Vicki shook her head. "Wait a minute, why don't you go to the police with this? The military? Henry said you're with the government."
Harkness took a breath. "It's complicated. But my primary reason is that if I call in any of the international agencies I have contacts in, it's going to be loud."
"And if it gets loud, the object might go boom," Jones said.
Vicki looked at Henry, who looked steadily back. "This isn't a joke," he said, knowing what she was thinking. "And when I said Jack was an old friend, I meant an *old* friend. I trust him."
Harkness looked angelic when Vicki glanced at him, and she fought the urge to flush at the realization of what likely Henry meant by 'old friend.' "Okay, assuming I go along with this, what do you need me for?"
"You know Toronto better than most people," Henry said.
"This thing isn't exactly inconspicuous," Harkness said.
"More like conspicuously--"
"Ianto." Harkness gave him an annoyed look.
The other man just raised his eyebrows, appearing unrepentant. "You don't think that's important information?"
"Don't make me break out the whips and chains."
Henry chuckled. "Promises, promises, Jack."
"Did I ever break a promise to you?" Harkness asked, all white teeth and crinkling dimples again.
"Jack." Jones said, shaking his head. "If you're going to invite him to join us, do at least wait until we're alone with him."
"But what if someone else wants to join in?" Jack asked.
Vicki had given up on not blushing long ago, but he *was* joking...right? She opened her mouth to say so, but Sato nudged Vicki with her elbow. The other woman was unperturbed by the byplay. "Ignore them. If you encourage this kind of thing, they'll go on all night. Literally."
"Interesting company you keep," Vicki said.
Sato smiled at her, looking a lot less shy. "Well, it does keep life from being boring."
Vicki looked at Henry. "I know what you mean."
--end--
Title: The Most Destructive Emotion
Genre: Drama, friendship
Rating: PG-13 for language
Summary: Sometimes Vicki just doesn't understand people. Especially Coreen.
Continuity: Just after "Deep Dark"
Notes: For Wiliqueen's fandom_stocking. Written a bit hastily to meet the comm deadline, so I hope it's okay :)
* * * * *
Vicki wasn't entirely sure why she was sitting in her office bright and early the morning after...well, the morning after the night before. But she was. Probably force of habit, even though she couldn't imagine how she could work with visions of Asteroth occupying Coreen and Henry and Mike leaving going through her head.
She turned on her computer and did a few routine chores, sending out a bill, doing a few desultory searches for that missing husband case she'd worked on and off for weeks now. It was hard to keep her mind focused on anything for more than a moment. After a while, she found herself staring at the screen, idly poking at the Internet to see what happened.
The sound of the locked office door opening jolted her out of her reverie. Only a few people had keys to that door, so who--
Coreen looked like death warmed over, but considering that she *always* looked like death warmed over and spent a lot of money achieving that effect, it was hard to tell how she really was. "Hi," Coreen said hesitantly.
"Hi. What are you doing here?"
That got a ghost of a smile. "I work here, remember?"
It wasn't often that Vicki found herself speechless, but she leaned back in her chair and honestly couldn't figure out what to say. How could Coreen...why would she...?
Coreen was puttering around the outside office, and Vicki could hear her turning on the computer, clearing some papers off her desk, and bumping into the filing cabinet corner for the eight millionth time.
"I'm going for coffee," Coreen called through the open doorway. "Your usual?"
"No," Vicki said, finding her tongue.
"Hot chocolate," Coreen suggested, appearing in the doorway. "Lots of sugar. Good for shock. And chocolate's always good."
"No, I mean, you don't need to get me anything." Vicki stood slowly. "You don't need to be here."
"What? Just because we don't have work right now? Not the first time. Besides, I need to file about a zillion files and books and defrag my computer."
"You shouldn't be here because it's dangerous, damn it." Her face was warm, blood pumping.
Coreen shrugged. "I've already been possessed by a demon and had my heart removed. It can't get that much worse, can it?"
"Go."
"Nope." She grinned at Vicki. "It's a little late to get overprotective."
"I've nearly gotten you killed a dozen times. I got you involved in *black magic* and endangered your soul, for fuck's sake. Take a hint and *go*!"
Coreen rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh. A little guilt goes a long way. Look, I knew what I was doing when we saved Henry and you didn't exactly invite Asteroth in."
"That's not--"
"Mike and Henry are both gone, aren't they?"
Vicki took a step back, sitting down abruptly in the chair.
Sighing, Coreen came into Vicki's office and sat on the couch. "That's what I was afraid of."
Vicki managed a laugh. "What *you* were afraid of?"
"True." Coreen sat there for a long moment, just looking at her. "Look, if they've both taken off, well, I don't think it's for good, but that's not the point."
"What is the point?"
"That if they've both run away, you're going to need me even more."
Vicki shook her head slowly. "You're crazy, you know that?"
"Yeah, I know." Coreen grinned. "Let's be crazy together, okay? Who needs those nasty old men around anyway?"
Slowly, Vicki felt herself smile. "Yeah, who needs 'em?"
Okay, it wasn't going to be that easy, Vicki knew. But hey, it was a start.
--end--
Title: Remember the Maine
Genre: Slash, humor
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ianto sometimes forgets just how much Jack has traveled. But not for long.
Notes: For Liz_chan's fandom_stocking. This fic exists only because MsCongeniality is made of awesome and took the time to brainstorm a bunch of ideas for me.
* * * * *
Ianto sighed, leaning back in the SUV's seat, grateful that Jack had gotten the really nice leather seats. If he had to spend hours chasing phantom Rift activity across Wales, at least they could be comfortable.
Jack glanced away from the road, smiling at him. "Bored?"
"Maybe you should have taken Tosh with you. At least she can bring some of her work with her, but it's not as if I can bring the archives."
"But I'd rather have you with me," Jack said, and the glance this time was...different.
Ianto flushed. "I'm not having sex with you while you're driving, in case you wondered."
Jack threw his head back, laughing, and Ianto took a moment to admire the line of his throat.
The road passed by in a blur and Ianto stared out, not really seeing the so-far familiar sight of the edges of Cardiff.
"Have I ever told you--"
"If this is another story about the twin acrobats, I'm not in the mood."
Grinning, Jack shook his head. "No. It's about the time I changed the course of American history by accident."
Ianto blinked. "I'm almost afraid to ask."
"Well, it was a long time ago, long before I met the Doctor, and I was on this US naval vessel off the coast of Cuba--"
* * * * *
Crouching in a storage closet on the USS Maine, Jack sighed. He'd been sent to investigate some strange readings on Earth around 19th century Cuba and he hadn't expected to end up on a ship, which made it a lot harder to creep around, even with his advanced technology. He was dressed to blend in around town, but not on a military vessel.
Wasn't there something funny about being in a closet on Earth? Jack tried to remember as he waited for the two sets of footsteps to disappear around a corner. No, maybe that was a different century, he decided, gently opening the door and peering out. All clear.
He went back to following the readings, which seemed to be somewhere toward the bow of the ship. As he walked, he tried to figure out why he'd been sent with such vague instructions. It was almost certain he hadn't been told something important...although that wasn't anything new. Jack muffled a laugh as he remembered a particular incident involving a hot cup of tea and...
Aha. The readings definitely led here. Jack jumped as the quiet ship was suddenly filled with music, as someone started to play some kind of mournful music. Jack glanced around before pulling his blaster and opening the door marked A-16.
The man lying on the floor near the pile of coal got Jack's attention first, especially because he was bleeding rather profusely. But as Jack took an involuntary step toward the mine, the other inhabitant of the room made his presence known from the shadows, knocking the blaster out of Jack's hand.
The scuffle was short and quiet, as neither Jack nor the slightly scaly alien (Where the heck was he from? And when?) wanted to be interrupted by another one of the locals. Jack kicked the other guy's legs out and dove for the blaster, only to be brought up short by a chokehold. An elbow rammed into some kind of rib approximation got him just enough room to dive again, but his fingers only brushed the blaster before the alien was atop him and they were rolling around the floor.
Distantly, Jack could hear that the music he'd heard had stopped playing, as he got a hand free long enough for a good punch to the face. In a moment he had the blaster in his hand and he was aiming for the alien, but he was just too late, the alien's foot knocking his arm aside.
Which caused the blaster fire to hit the pile of coal. Jack could see the alien's mouth framing something that was undoubtedly an obscenity as Jack swiftly hit the emergency escape button on his wristband, disappearing an instant ahead of the explosion he could see coming toward him.
* * * * *
Leaning against a lamppost in bustling New York, Jack looked at front page of the New York Journal newspaper for February 17, 1898, which he'd bought from a scruffy kid on the street corner. "THE DESTRUCTION OF THE WAR SHIP MAINE WAS THE WORK OF AN ENEMY," the headline screamed above notices of a reward. It looked like war was on its way.
Jack shrugged, tossing the paper into the nearest trashcan and opening his wristband. "That's the timestream for you."
* * * * *
Ianto realized he was staring at Jack with his jaw hanging down, and he swiftly closed his mouth. "You...started the Spanish-American War?"
"Well, the yellow journalists and politicians had something to do with it, but...yes."
"You're unbelievable." Ianto shook his head.
"You don't believe I started the war?" Jack said with an adorable pout.
"I didn't say that. I can absolutely believe that you'd start a war. I just can't believe you let all those men die and you weren't worried about what happened to them."
"Oh, that." Shrugging, Jack swung the SUV through a roundabout at a higher speed than was absolutely necessary. "Well, it took me a while, but I did get around to fixing that. I accumulated some unavoidable corpses over the course of my missions and I went back and exchanged them with the live men on the Maine. Wiped their memories and dropped them in Kansas, Oklahoma, and California, if I remember correctly."
Ianto rubbed his forehead. "Unavoidable corpses?"
"Long story."
"We've got time."
Ianto could see Jack trying not to grin. "There I was on Nebulon III..."
--end--
Title: Foul Shirts and Smocks
Genre: Humor, romance
Rating: G
Summary: It's not easy dating an anal-retentive superhero, you know. Of course, sometimes it's even harder to be said anal-retentive superhero.
Notes: For Amarin_Rose's fandom_stocking. I noticed something in your wishlist and it seemed like a challenge to me. ::coughs::
* * * * *
PDA in one hand and hairbrush in the other, Tim wandered from the kitchen to the bedroom, half his mind occupied in trying to schedule his day and the other half trying to remember when Kon said he'd be home.
Pleasantly occupied, he was in an excellent mood until his first step into the bedroom, when he tripped over a pair of sneakers--doing an athletic roll that would have surprised anyone who knew Tim Drake but not Robin--wincing as he rolled over a sweaty t-shirt and landed on a pile of filthy socks.
He sat for a long moment in that position, unhurt but slowly working up a head of steam. But all might have been well nonetheless had he not heard a door close and footsteps coming toward him. It was only a few moments before the footsteps paused and Kon's voice spoke.
"Uh, dude, is there a reason you're communing with my laundry?"
Tim stood and turned in one fluid motion, stalking toward Kon. He pointed with the hairbrush. "That...is not laundry. Laundry is clothing that is about to be laundered. Laundry is clothing that is, oh, in our laundry basket.
Kon took a step back, hands up as if he needed to protect himself. "Whoa there."
"Whoa?" Tim growled. "I can't even walk into the bedroom without encountering a pile of filthy clothing. It's driving me *insane*!"
Kon blinked. He looked down at the laundry and up again. "So you want me to put it in the basket?"
Tossing the hairbrush onto the dresser, where it landed neatly in its spot, Tim poked Kon in the chest with the PDA he still held. "Yes. I want the laundry off the floor. Never to be seen there again."
"Okay," Kon said with a shrug. "Why didn't you just say so?" With a touch, he levitated the entire pile over to the basket. "A little communication goes a long way, y'know."
Tim smacked his forehead with a palm.
--end--
Final note: Other readers should know that Amarin Rose said "Any gift will be loved, cherished, adored, etc. Except used socks. *g*" So obviously I had to gift her with used socks, right?
Title: Five Times Nathan Stark Thought a Lobotomy Sounded Good
Genre: Humor/romance/drama/stuff
Rating: G
Summary: It's tough being the smartest man around, you know.
Notes: Written for Wabbitseason's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
1.
Almost every time he has to deal with Carter. Perhaps a lobotomy would make the man easier to understand.
"So you guys made a freeze ray," Carter said, staring at Parkinson, who stood with one leg just above the floor, as he had for the last hour.
"No, Carter, it's a quantum inhibitor, which--"
"A freeze ray, right."
* * * * *
2.
That first date with Ally, where he acted and sounded like an idiot. Seriously, he'd just finished his second PhD and he actually asked her *astrological sign* because his mind went completely blank when she walked into the room.
She teased him about that for years. He knew their marriage was in trouble when she stopped.
* * * * *
3.
The soundproofing at GD was excellent, and that was generally a plus, as it meant that not everyone had to hear the inane conversation of other scientists, phone calls to husbands and wives, random explosions, or other minutiae of life.
There were times, however, when Nathan wished he'd convinced the contractors to skimp *just a little* on that excellent soundproofing.
Scowling, Nathan entered Zane's lab, prepared to ream him out over the two late progress reports. Unfortunately, the two people in the lab were so occupied they didn't even hear him.
He backed out of the room as quickly as he could, but it wasn't fast enough. The sight of Zane and Jo Lupo, half-naked, would unfortunately stay with him for a very long time.
* * * * *
4.
The incident with the bowling ball, the orangutans, and a giant ball of purple Play Do. 'Nuff said.
* * * * *
5.
"What did you do, Fargo?"
Fargo jumped and nearly dropped the remote control in his hand. "Nothing! I didn't do anything, Dr. Stark!"
"Mm-hmm." Nathan remembered his mother appealing to the ceiling for patience and wondered if it would help. "Then I'm sure there's another explanation for the fact that my computer is currently displaying text only in Swahili."
Fargo's eyes widened. "But I, um, I mean, maybe someone who reads Swahili needed to use it?"
Nathan crossed his arms and just glared. "Fix it, Fargo."
"Why do you think it's me?"
"Because if it were anyone else at GD, it would have *exploded*." Nathan rubbed his temple. "Just fix it."
--end--
Title: Sharing Equally Their Pleasures
Genre: Crossover, humor, uh...romance? Ish?
Rating: PG-13
Summary: You just never know what the Rift is going to drop in Cardiff.
Notes: Written for Ladysarahii's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
True, Rift activity didn't always mean deadly danger, Ianto had to admit. And in theory that was a good thing, or they'd all be dead even earlier than Torchwood employees usually died.
But somehow this was just anticlimactic. Or...maybe that wasn't exactly the word Ianto was looking for. Sighing, he shifted his position against the cinder block wall and hoped it wasn't leaving unimaginable filth on his favorite suit. Well, there was a reason they had an account at the best dry cleaner in town, after all. He glanced back at the scene in front of him and wondered just how much dry cleaning was going to be necessary.
Gwen's eyes were bugging out and she had turned away, but she kept peeking glances at Ianto, apparently expecting him to wade into the situation and do something drastic. But honestly, what was the point? It was Jack Harkness they were talking about, after all. This was bound to happen every once in a while.
His hands on the very tight pair of brown pants encasing what Ianto had to admit was a very nice arse, Jack finally came up for air. Somewhat breathless, he grinned at Ianto. "Ianto, I'd like you to meet Mal. Mal, this is Ianto."
"I'm pleased to meet you," Ianto said with a smile.
Mal apparently had a modicum of shame as his face was red, and not just from Jack's kissing, but he managed a polite nod even with Jack wrapped around him. "Likewise pleased to meet you. Uh, sorry about--"
"Don't be," Ianto said. "If I minded sharing, I should hardly be with Jack."
The muffled gasp from Gwen, combined with the matching predatory grins on Jack's and Mal's faces made it all worthwhile. It might take a while to get rid of Gwen and her protective streak, but Ianto had a feeling his patience would be rewarded.
After all, it usually was.
--end--
Title: Time Rushes By
Genre: Humor, romance
Rating: PG
Summary: Is a little bit of free time too much to ask? On Atlantis, apparently so.
Continuity: Takes place whenever you think it does.
Notes: For Tielan's fandom_stocking. Because I've been promising something like this forever...
* * * * *
Monday:
"John," Teyla said, smiling as he entered her 'office.' "It is good to see you."
He grinned. "Guess what?"
"What?" He loved his games, so she played along.
"I just conned Major Lorne into writing my last two reports for me!"
"Oh!" She sat up straight. "Then, let's--" But she didn't even get to finish her sentence.
"There you two are," Rodney said, bursting through the door. "I need you both to come help me with this project."
"Rodney, I believe you have subordinates who can help you." Teyla tried not to scowl at him.
"Yes, but they're busy and you're just sitting around." He waved a dismissive hand. "And besides, they're all idiots."
"Yes, we're aware of what you think of them," John said, from behind the hand that was covering his eyes. "However, we actually did have plans."
"But they're not as important as what I'm doing, so come along. Chop chop, I haven't got all day." And he stalked out of the room, not even looking to see if they were following.
Sighing, Teyla stood.
"We could--"
"No. We should help our teammate."
John looked like he wanted to argue, but he followed her out the door.
* * * * *
Tuesday:
As they left the mission debriefing, Teyla raised her eyebrows at John. He nodded and they casually waved at the group leaving the conference room, then peeled off toward the living areas.
They made it around one corner and were speeding up when John stopped in his tracks. Turning, Teyla started to ask what he was doing when she saw the finger touching his radio and the annoyed look on his face. Rubbing her temple, she leaned against the nearest wall and listened.
"Well, actually I--"
Pause.
"Of course. I'll be right there."
Teyla just *looked* at him.
John gave her a weak grin. "It's Elizabeth. She needs to talk to me. I'll, uh, try to be as fast as I can?"
"No matter. Ronon and I will be sparring this afternoon. And then I believe Major Lorne wishes me to train with the two new lieutenants." Which would, as John knew, eat up the rest of the day.
"Right." He jittered in place in a fashion she knew she should not find adorable in a grown man, before bouncing forward and kissing her quickly on the lips. "I'm sorry."
"There is no need."
He grinned. "C'mon, are you telling me I haven't done *something* wrong lately?"
"Just go," she said with a sigh.
* * * * *
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday:
"So, uh," John's voice said through the radio in her ear.
"Yes?"
"This emergency on the mainland..."
"Does, in fact, require my presence," Teyla said tartly, wiping Jinto's forehead with a damp cloth, "as the leader of my people."
"Everybody's going to be okay, right?" John had obviously realized his massive mistake.
She sighed, then took a deep breath before answering. "Yes, they will be fine. The earthquake did not kill anyone, but it was unsettling and there are some injuries. I need to be here."
"I know."
Teyla moved among the hastily assembled litters, checking that everyone was comfortable, patting shoulders, smiling gently at those who needed reassurance.
"I guess I can't say I need you to come back to me," John said eventually.
"No," she said, putting a finger to her ear, so that everyone would know she was speaking to Atlantis. "But you may admit to missing me."
"Not just missing you, I'm--"
"John."
He chuckled. "Soon."
"Soon."
* * * * *
Saturday:
The call came just as Teyla was stepping off the puddlejumper. "We need you and those marines you're bringing back to deal with our escapees," John said, sounding weary.
"Escapees?" She gestured to the Marines and prepared to run, visions of captive Genii loose in the city dancing through her head.
"Uh, yeah. Escaped bunnies."
Teyla tripped over her own feet and the Marines were hard-pressed not to stare at the sight. But she was too busy speaking to care. "Bunnies?"
"Bunnies. Young rabbits. Well, not exactly rabbits, but those furry things with the long ears from M3R-289."
"The chac'law."
"Yep."
"You set chac'law free in the city."
"Not set free exactly. More like one of Rodney's crew--"
She could hear Rodney vociferously disclaiming any credit or blame in the background and she took a moment to gesture 'with me' to the Marines, setting off down the corridor at a fast trot. "One of the scientists let them go."
"Well, let one out to play and it, uh, seems to have gotten the others out of their cages."
"Chac'law chew on *anything*, John."
"I know, you and Ronon told us that."
"*Anything*. They can chew through wires, cables, boxes..."
"Oh sh--"
"Precisely. Where is Ronon?"
"Off-world."
She stifled the Athosian obscenity that bubbled to her lips. "Retrieve him if possible. I will need his expertise in catching the chac'law. Meanwhile, please retrieve for me..."
* * * * *
Sunday:
After four hours helping to clean up a hazardous spill in the botany lab, they'd sent out an Atlantis-wide e-mail, swearing eternal vengeance on anyone who disturbed them for anything less than a combined Genii/Wraith/Ori invasion. They'd locked the door, then jimmied it so Rodney couldn't just walk in (since he'd undoubtedly deleted their e-mail unread). They'd firmly told Atlantis to behave. They'd retrieved dinner early from the mess so they didn't need to leave the room.
As they settled onto the bed with a sigh (from Teyla) and a groan (from John), they grinned at each other with unrestrained glee.
"Finally alone," John said, reaching for her.
Teyla traced John's face with her fingers, enjoying the feel of him, then leaned in for a kiss.
Just as the kiss was getting interesting, John had to break it in order to yawn. "Sorry sorry," he said, getting his jaw under control.
She smiled and leaned in to kiss him again, stopping when her own yawn broke free. "Now I must apologize."
"It's been one of those weeks," he said, scooting closer on the pillow.
"Mmm." She held him close, watching as his eyes slid shut, then sighed before giving in to the inevitable, drifting off to sleep herself.
--end--
Title: Five Times Captain Jack Harkness Was Surprised
Genre: Crossover, crack, humor
Rating: G
Summary: Travel as long as Jack does and eventually something will surprise you, okay?
Notes: For Leyenn's fandom_stocking. You say go wild, I think Jack Harkness...
* * * * *
1.
The two men, one dark-haired and bearded, the other dark-skinned, had their arms around each other in an unmistakable way. And if Jack had the slightest bit of shame, he'd get the hell out of the out-of-the-way corridor on this Earth space station before they noticed him.
Unfortunately, Captain Jack Harkness and shame barely fit in the same sentence together. He wolf-whistled. "Very nice."
The men jumped apart like they'd been hit by an electric shock and before Jack could react, the bearded man had him backed up against a wall, a staff that he could swear hadn't been there a moment ago against his throat.
Jack sighed. "Welcome to Babylon 5," he said. "You'd think I'd know how to avoid Rangers by now."
* * * * *
2.
The voice was...wrong. In an indefinable sort of way.
I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE SO EAGER TO SEE ME, the voice said, seeming to echo through the darkish mist.
Jack blinked. And blinked again. "Uh...sorry?"
DON'T WORRY. WE'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT LATER.
"What?"
The cowled figure managed to sigh without having either lungs or breath. NEVER MIND. YOU'LL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH.
* * * * *
3.
With all of the alarms blaring and the nasty space vampires on their way, Jack was expecting the two guns pointed at him and the suspicious expressions. Holding his hands carefully away from his blaster, he smiled. "Hi. I think I can help fix the shielding if you'll let me."
Jack was figuring it would take them until practically the nick of time to make the decision and he was braced for the last-minute rush.
Then a head popped up from inside the console. "What do you know about multiphasic shielding?" a scowling man demanded.
"Built it in my cradle," Jack said cheerfully.
"Rodney..." one of the men with guns said.
"Yes yes," Rodney said, flapping a hand in obvious dismissal. "Because he's obviously more dangerous than the *approaching Wraith vessel.*"
"I promise, I don't want to be eaten any more than you do," Jack said, not bothering to mention the fact that he could leave at any time.
"Then come over here and start rewiring the other section of this console or we're all going to end up hors d'oeuvres." Rodney ducked back under the console.
Jack blinked. This wasn't exactly how these things usually went.
"Are you an idiot?" Rodney's voice called from under the console. "If you're going to help, you'd better get started *now*."
With a shrug, the man with the gun who'd spoken waved him over to the shielding controls. "Might as well do what he says or he'll yell louder."
Jack shook his head. Sometimes people were just *weird*.
* * * * *
4.
"Magic?" Jack said for the fifth time.
"Yes, magic," the red-haired girl said again, giving him a look that implied that he had approximately the brain of a Rigellian sea slug.
Sitting down on the nearest rock, Jack looked at the three kids in robes carrying sticks. "I've *got* to stop hitting the randomizer button."
* * * * *
5.
Jack stood at the base of the ramp, feeling the eyes of several crewmembers on him as he negotiated with the captain of the ship. He had a feeling he was on trial in more ways than one, but out here on the fringe, everybody was wary and nearly everyone was running from *something*.
He wished wistfully for his wristband, and if he was going to get it back, he was going to have to convince this ship--or one with as good a reputation for getting you there no matter what--to take him on.
"We don't got a lotta room for passengers," Captain Reynolds said.
"I can pull my weight," Jack said, trying to avoid looking at the captain's very very nice ass. "I can help with cargo and I'm pretty good at fixing all kinds of things."
"You really need to get to Sundown." It wasn't a question.
"I do." Jack had been trying to decide whether he was better off showing his desperation or playing hard to get. Something about Reynolds made up his mind. "I believe that an important possession of mine is currently being held there. If I don't get it back...I won't be able to go home."
Reynolds looked skeptical, but whirled at the sound of footsteps on the ramp. "River, get back in the ship."
The slender young woman ignored the captain, gliding down the ramp toward Jack, who took one look at the way she moved and stayed absolutely positively still. He'd only seen a few people who looked like that and they were all deadlier than a snake.
"River--"
"He's important but he doesn't know it," she said, standing in front of Jack and peering up at him with a fey expression.
Jack's eyebrows shot up. "Me?"
"Destiny. A smell of history. It's coming soon."
Jack opened his mouth and then closed it again. He had no idea how to respond to that.
Reynolds looked at both of them, his mouth twisting in annoyance before he finally spit out a question. "Is it safe to take him on?"
"Yes," River said without hesitating. "He's not a bad man any longer." She stared into Jack's eyes and it felt like she could see everything he'd ever done. He could hardly breathe from the pressure. "Well, mostly not."
The disappointment in her voice was so strong, Jack felt like he should be apologizing. In a strangled voice, he managed, "I swear I mean no harm to your crew or your allies."
River reached up and touched his cheek gently and he shivered, knowing what she could do to him if she wanted. "Time is all tangled around you, like a web, trapping, holding. But you're not caught unless you want to be."
She couldn't...Jack nodded once, even if he didn't entirely understand. And he resolved that when he got his wristband back, he was going to take on something nice and simple. Maybe London, World War II. Someplace with no telepaths.
--end--
Title: Made All The Mistakes
Genre: Crossover, humor
Rating: PG
Summary: Just when Jack Carter thought his life couldn't get any worse...
Notes: Written for Ladybug218's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.--physicist Niels Bohr
Jack sighed as soon as he walked into the GD conference room and looked at the man with his sneakered feet propped up on the shiny tabletop.
He'd *known* it was going to be one of those days when he woke up and SARAH nearly killed him with exploding coffee and sure enough...it had been one of those days. It'd be nice if Eureka could get through a week without a wacky caper involving explosions or meteors, but nooooo...
Only this time it wasn't so wacky, because three of GD's scientists were near death, and even Stark was declaring himself stumped, and that *never* happened. So they'd brought in a medical expert.
Which seemed like a good idea until Jack *met* the expert and found himself wishing for Stark at his most sarcastic instead. Hell, he'd take Stark and that smarmy kid who tried to take Fargo's job and...
"Get me a hooker," Gregory House said, swinging his cane around.
"What?" Jack stopped dead in his tracks and stared.
"Sex helps me think."
"I am not--"
Before Jack could finish his vehement refusal, he turned at a sound behind him. "Carter," Jo said, striding into the room, "Allison needs your help down in the labs."
"That was fast," House said, leering at Jo.
Jack paused. For a moment, he was almost ready to let the man keep going. But his innate good nature wouldn't let him. "I wouldn't," he said.
Jo stared at him. "What?"
"Not you. Him." Jack gave House a look that hopefully conveyed the absolute and undeniable fact that Jo would wipe the floor with him, medical expert or no expert. She *might* feel guilty about it later.
House seemed to get the message, shrugging and pulling a pill bottle out of his pocket. "Well, at least get me some of your idiot scientists to yell at. I can't think without someone to abuse."
Jack and Jo grinned at each other, then turned in unison to lean through the doorway. "FARGO!"
--end--
Title: A Superhero and a Teaboy Walk Into a Bar...
Genre: Crossover, crack, humor
Rating: G
Summary: The title says it all, I think.
Notes: Written for Thecomingnight's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
Roy leaned his head against his palm and considered the other man. "That bad, huh?"
"Worse," Ianto said mournfully into his mediocre beer.
"Huh."
"And it's not like he can even *help it*."
"Are you sure? Because Dick..." Roy waved a hand, helpless to explain his lover and his lover's background with anything less than diagrams, a flowchart, and an entire novel with extensive footnotes. "I mean, it's more that everyone *else* does it, but still..."
"I'm pretty sure." Ianto sighed, swirling his glass.
"Flirts with everyone. Yeah, sounds familiar."
Ianto looked up. "Oh, that's not the problem. It's that he flirts with everyone and every*thing*. Last week, he was flirting with a creature that had *tentacles.*"
Roy waved to the bartender for something stronger to drink. He had a feeling they were going to need it.
--end--
Title: Hours of Visitors
Genre: Crossover, humor
Rating: PG
Summary: Vicki and Henry's movie night is derailed by overseas visitors.
Continuity: ::stares at you:: Bwahahahahahahaha!
Notes: For Melissima's fandom_stocking.
* * * * *
When Vicki dropped by Henry's apartment for movie night, she was expecting that he'd provide pizza and beer for her and maybe flirt a bit. She *wasn't* expecting there to be other guests. Or for those guests to be quite as...interesting as they turned out to be.
Pausing in the doorway, Vicki stared at the two men and a woman who were arrayed around Henry's living room. An Asian woman peered anxiously at her from over by the bookshelf, a young man looked up from one of Henry's graphic novels, and a, well, square-jawed movie star type had paused in the middle of speaking to look at her curiously.
"Am I interrupting something?" Vicki asked, perhaps a little nastier than she'd intended. But damn it, it had been a hard week and she'd looked forward to relaxing.
Henry smiled at her from his place on the couch next to the movie star. "I think you're just in time. Jack, this is Vicki. Vicki, this is an old friend, Captain Jack Harkness."
Harkness stood and held out a hand, smiling the kind of smile that a) looked like it should sell toothpaste and b) made her hackles go up. She crossed the room and carefully shook his hand. "Captain of *what* exactly?"
Henry and Harkness both laughed as if she'd said something funny and she scowled at them. "Cut the comedy and tell me what's going on."
"I'm sorry, Vicki," Henry said, still chuckling. "It's just that I told Jack you wouldn't be charmed instantly, but he didn't believe me."
The young man smirked. "Jack believes he can charm everyone. Generally he's right."
"Thank you for giving away more of my secrets, Ianto." The grin Harkness threw at the other man was much more genuine than the one he'd tried on her. "Let me introduce my colleagues Ianto Jones and Toshiko Sato."
"You can introduce them all you want, but I still don't know what's going on." Vicki looked at Henry.
"They work for a top secret British government agency and they're here to ask our help."
She raised her eyebrows and looked at the others, expecting laughter. But they were now deadly serious. "Ooookay," she said.
"Ms. Nelson," Harkness said, with the most earnest expression she'd seen that wasn't on a puppy or Mike. "If we don't find something that's been brought to Toronto, we're looking at the end of the world as we know it."
Vicki shrugged. "Been there, done that, have the tattoos to prove it."
"She does," Henry said.
Harkness ignored both of them. "An object...appeared in Wales and we were attempting to find it when someone else found it first. We've tracked it as far as Toronto, but it's lost somewhere in the city." He waved at the woman, Sato. "Tosh has done a fabulous job, but the city is too big."
Sato came forward, head ducked slightly, and picked up several odd bits of machinery from the coffee table. "I've been tracking the EM signature of the device, but wherever it is, it's either gone into hibernation mode or it's being masked, because the signal is too faint to triangulate."
Despite herself, Vicki found herself getting interested. "You're sure it hasn't been moved?"
"Absolutely," Sato said.
Vicki shook her head. "Wait a minute, why don't you go to the police with this? The military? Henry said you're with the government."
Harkness took a breath. "It's complicated. But my primary reason is that if I call in any of the international agencies I have contacts in, it's going to be loud."
"And if it gets loud, the object might go boom," Jones said.
Vicki looked at Henry, who looked steadily back. "This isn't a joke," he said, knowing what she was thinking. "And when I said Jack was an old friend, I meant an *old* friend. I trust him."
Harkness looked angelic when Vicki glanced at him, and she fought the urge to flush at the realization of what likely Henry meant by 'old friend.' "Okay, assuming I go along with this, what do you need me for?"
"You know Toronto better than most people," Henry said.
"This thing isn't exactly inconspicuous," Harkness said.
"More like conspicuously--"
"Ianto." Harkness gave him an annoyed look.
The other man just raised his eyebrows, appearing unrepentant. "You don't think that's important information?"
"Don't make me break out the whips and chains."
Henry chuckled. "Promises, promises, Jack."
"Did I ever break a promise to you?" Harkness asked, all white teeth and crinkling dimples again.
"Jack." Jones said, shaking his head. "If you're going to invite him to join us, do at least wait until we're alone with him."
"But what if someone else wants to join in?" Jack asked.
Vicki had given up on not blushing long ago, but he *was* joking...right? She opened her mouth to say so, but Sato nudged Vicki with her elbow. The other woman was unperturbed by the byplay. "Ignore them. If you encourage this kind of thing, they'll go on all night. Literally."
"Interesting company you keep," Vicki said.
Sato smiled at her, looking a lot less shy. "Well, it does keep life from being boring."
Vicki looked at Henry. "I know what you mean."
--end--
Title: The Most Destructive Emotion
Genre: Drama, friendship
Rating: PG-13 for language
Summary: Sometimes Vicki just doesn't understand people. Especially Coreen.
Continuity: Just after "Deep Dark"
Notes: For Wiliqueen's fandom_stocking. Written a bit hastily to meet the comm deadline, so I hope it's okay :)
* * * * *
Vicki wasn't entirely sure why she was sitting in her office bright and early the morning after...well, the morning after the night before. But she was. Probably force of habit, even though she couldn't imagine how she could work with visions of Asteroth occupying Coreen and Henry and Mike leaving going through her head.
She turned on her computer and did a few routine chores, sending out a bill, doing a few desultory searches for that missing husband case she'd worked on and off for weeks now. It was hard to keep her mind focused on anything for more than a moment. After a while, she found herself staring at the screen, idly poking at the Internet to see what happened.
The sound of the locked office door opening jolted her out of her reverie. Only a few people had keys to that door, so who--
Coreen looked like death warmed over, but considering that she *always* looked like death warmed over and spent a lot of money achieving that effect, it was hard to tell how she really was. "Hi," Coreen said hesitantly.
"Hi. What are you doing here?"
That got a ghost of a smile. "I work here, remember?"
It wasn't often that Vicki found herself speechless, but she leaned back in her chair and honestly couldn't figure out what to say. How could Coreen...why would she...?
Coreen was puttering around the outside office, and Vicki could hear her turning on the computer, clearing some papers off her desk, and bumping into the filing cabinet corner for the eight millionth time.
"I'm going for coffee," Coreen called through the open doorway. "Your usual?"
"No," Vicki said, finding her tongue.
"Hot chocolate," Coreen suggested, appearing in the doorway. "Lots of sugar. Good for shock. And chocolate's always good."
"No, I mean, you don't need to get me anything." Vicki stood slowly. "You don't need to be here."
"What? Just because we don't have work right now? Not the first time. Besides, I need to file about a zillion files and books and defrag my computer."
"You shouldn't be here because it's dangerous, damn it." Her face was warm, blood pumping.
Coreen shrugged. "I've already been possessed by a demon and had my heart removed. It can't get that much worse, can it?"
"Go."
"Nope." She grinned at Vicki. "It's a little late to get overprotective."
"I've nearly gotten you killed a dozen times. I got you involved in *black magic* and endangered your soul, for fuck's sake. Take a hint and *go*!"
Coreen rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh. A little guilt goes a long way. Look, I knew what I was doing when we saved Henry and you didn't exactly invite Asteroth in."
"That's not--"
"Mike and Henry are both gone, aren't they?"
Vicki took a step back, sitting down abruptly in the chair.
Sighing, Coreen came into Vicki's office and sat on the couch. "That's what I was afraid of."
Vicki managed a laugh. "What *you* were afraid of?"
"True." Coreen sat there for a long moment, just looking at her. "Look, if they've both taken off, well, I don't think it's for good, but that's not the point."
"What is the point?"
"That if they've both run away, you're going to need me even more."
Vicki shook her head slowly. "You're crazy, you know that?"
"Yeah, I know." Coreen grinned. "Let's be crazy together, okay? Who needs those nasty old men around anyway?"
Slowly, Vicki felt herself smile. "Yeah, who needs 'em?"
Okay, it wasn't going to be that easy, Vicki knew. But hey, it was a start.
--end--