Fic: Tangled Paths 1/2
Title: Tangled Paths
Rating: PG, probably
Warnings: none that I can think of
Category: romance, angst
Summary: Reflections on what is and what could have been.
Notes: This is another older fic, so you may have seen it before. ;)
It had rained the night before, but aside from the increased humidity, I'd never be able to tell. The dawn is splendid, with gold-rimmed clouds scattered across a vivid aquamarine sky. Rays of warm sunlight wash over the rough, moss covered walls of the main temple on Yavin IV, where the Jedi Academy is located. The day promises to be as beautiful as anyone could hope for, a beautiful day to be married.
I'd spoken to Luke earlier. He was radiant, just as I'd expected. How could he be anything else? I had been so glad to see him, so grateful for our brief moment alone, but even more grateful when he left. My self-control is stretched taut today, nearly to the point of snapping, and I don't know how much duress it can take before collapsing beneath the weight of my feelings - feelings that I'd die rather than reveal. Luke will see me smile at his wedding no matter how dearly the effort costs me. I owe him that much, at least.
A soft touch on my arm distracts me from my musings, and I turn to see Leia's brilliant smile. "It's time," she tells me, eyes shining. Master politician she may be, but Leia is utterly incapable of disguising her love for her family. With great effort, I manage to smile back and turn to fall in step with her.
The temple's ancient grandeur awes even me on most occasions, but now I barely notice it. It's all I can do to return the smiles of those Leia and I walk past - and of course, that's the entire guest list, for at Luke's insistence I sit with his family this day. If I close my eyes, I can still see his face as he asks me. 'Please?' he'd asked, expression cajoling. 'We both want you to come. It wouldn't be the same without you there.' His hands had reached out to catch my fingertips as he spoke, and the feel of his hands holding mine had started a whirlwind of emotions within me, delight warring with grief, comfort blending with dismay, all of it coalescing into the most profound sense of loss I'd ever experienced.
All of which I'd kept carefully hidden. Ordinarily Luke would have sensed my prevarication; he'd always been quick to notice my changes of mood, and had rarely failed to coax me out of my occasional melancholy. Now, though, he was preoccupied, and the thought of what undoubtedly dominated his thoughts only served to heighten my roiling bitterness.
Well. I had been a fool, then, that's all there was to it. That didn't mean that I would be so selfish as to poison his joy. I had swallowed hard and assured Luke that of course I'd come, wouldn't dream of missing it.
And now here I was, walking beside Luke's sister to the family seats at the front of the Massassi Temple, ready to watch him marry another woman.
I sit quietly beside Leia, holding tightly to my emotions. Jaina and Jacen, Luke's niece and nephew, glance at me with shy smiles before burrowing their faces against their parents' sides. Anakin, the youngest, is still asleep in Han's arms. We're hardly seated before the happy couple enters the temple. Next to me, Leia turns to watch Luke escort his bride up the aisle to where General Antilles is waiting. It's a relatively small wedding, officiated by one of Luke's oldest friends, and I feel frighteningly out of place. Luke turns his head a fraction to smile at Han and Leia as he passes us, then aims a smile directly at me. My heart leaps into my throat, and I swallow it brutally. Too late, too late to think like that.
Wedge begins the ceremony, and I watch, unseeing, as my thoughts drift defiantly. Luke had been my best friend, my anchor in an uncertain galaxy. He'd come to mean so much to me that I'd never even imagined this eventuality, never dreamed that someone else would become more dear to him. As far away as my mind is, my eyes cannot tear themselves from the scene that seems to rip my heart out, and I see the rightness of it. How could I ever have been so blind? She is his match in every way, able to share aspects of his life that I never could. Her eyes meet his adoringly, and I close my own against the surge of pain. He's chosen well. He will have every happiness I could have wished for him; that will have to be enough.
Moments stretch into lifetimes as the brief ceremony concludes. Leia, of course, is the first to her feet, at the head of a crowd of well-wishers.
I'm grateful for the time to collect myself, to compose my emotions and expression, but all too soon Luke's eyes search for me. I see them light up as he catches sight of me. Almost done, I tell myself as I smile back at him. Just a little while longer and I can make my escape and return to the solitude that I knew once and will know again.
All rational thought stops as Luke's arms envelop me. "I'm so glad you came," he says softly.
If there's any mercy left in the galaxy, he won't notice my suddenly increased heart rate. "I told you I would," I answer, pulling back. "Now stop that before your wife gets jealous."
He laughs, his blue eyes shining with a happiness that I have never known nor given. "She knows better."
"That doesn't mean you need to test her before the marriage is ten minutes old," I point out.
"She's right," a teasing voice adds.
I turn to face my rival - no, not rival. I had never truly been a contender. "Callista," I greet her. Who'd ever have thought that the mental barriers Palpatine had taught me so long ago would continue to be so useful, and for such a purpose?
"Mara," Callista answers, leaning forward to hug me gently. For a split second, I tense, then swiftly come to my senses and return the embrace. "We're both glad to see you here."
"I'd never miss it," I say as Callista releases me to take Luke's arm. Miss watching the death of my dreams and my future? I think, far behind my barriers. No, never. "It was a lovely ceremony."
"It was," Callista replies, her voice serene yet replete with happiness. "We're going to Chad for the honeymoon; did Luke tell you?"
I viciously shove thoughts of Luke's honeymoon deep down. "No, he didn't mention that."
"We'll be back in a month or so," Luke says, slipping an arm around Callista's waist. "Maybe you'll be at the next level of your training by then."
I shake my head, fighting for a calm beyond the surface. Luke can sense my emotions even if Callista can't, and wedding day or not, he just might. He's always been eerily good at picking up on my thoughts. "Karrde contacted me a few days ago. He has some jobs for me. They may take a while."
A sheen of disappointment is suddenly visible in Luke's eyes. "But you will be back," he says, as much a question as a statement. I'd never embraced my Jedi training as he'd thought I should. Probably another mistake on my part, and another beyond rectifying at this point. Staying here with Luke and his wife is an impossible option.
"Of course," I lie.
He smiles at me, too preoccupied to dig deeply enough to see the falsehood. "Soon, Mara. We'll miss you while you're gone."
I twitch a smile at him, the tears in my eyes easily blamed on the emotion of the occasion. My throat closes momentarily, and I throw my arms around him one last time. His arm tightens around me, and for one instant I can imagine that the situation was otherwise. Then reality settles coldly around me once more, and I pull away. "May the Force be with you both."
Luke smiles at me, the smile I know better than my own. "And with you, Mara." Callista's glowing smile joins Luke's, without a hint of anything less than joy within her to mar this day.
"Your other guests are waiting," I remind them. I've been successful so far; I can't stumble now. Luke reaches over to kiss my cheek before he turns away, and I stand frozen for a long moment, watching him walk away, out of my life; then I turn and walk out of his. I can be at my ship and in orbit before anyone notices. Luke will be disappointed when he finds me gone, but the feeling will be fleeting, soon forgotten, and it's better this way.
Some things just aren't meant to be.
Rating: PG, probably
Warnings: none that I can think of
Category: romance, angst
Summary: Reflections on what is and what could have been.
Notes: This is another older fic, so you may have seen it before. ;)
It had rained the night before, but aside from the increased humidity, I'd never be able to tell. The dawn is splendid, with gold-rimmed clouds scattered across a vivid aquamarine sky. Rays of warm sunlight wash over the rough, moss covered walls of the main temple on Yavin IV, where the Jedi Academy is located. The day promises to be as beautiful as anyone could hope for, a beautiful day to be married.
I'd spoken to Luke earlier. He was radiant, just as I'd expected. How could he be anything else? I had been so glad to see him, so grateful for our brief moment alone, but even more grateful when he left. My self-control is stretched taut today, nearly to the point of snapping, and I don't know how much duress it can take before collapsing beneath the weight of my feelings - feelings that I'd die rather than reveal. Luke will see me smile at his wedding no matter how dearly the effort costs me. I owe him that much, at least.
A soft touch on my arm distracts me from my musings, and I turn to see Leia's brilliant smile. "It's time," she tells me, eyes shining. Master politician she may be, but Leia is utterly incapable of disguising her love for her family. With great effort, I manage to smile back and turn to fall in step with her.
The temple's ancient grandeur awes even me on most occasions, but now I barely notice it. It's all I can do to return the smiles of those Leia and I walk past - and of course, that's the entire guest list, for at Luke's insistence I sit with his family this day. If I close my eyes, I can still see his face as he asks me. 'Please?' he'd asked, expression cajoling. 'We both want you to come. It wouldn't be the same without you there.' His hands had reached out to catch my fingertips as he spoke, and the feel of his hands holding mine had started a whirlwind of emotions within me, delight warring with grief, comfort blending with dismay, all of it coalescing into the most profound sense of loss I'd ever experienced.
All of which I'd kept carefully hidden. Ordinarily Luke would have sensed my prevarication; he'd always been quick to notice my changes of mood, and had rarely failed to coax me out of my occasional melancholy. Now, though, he was preoccupied, and the thought of what undoubtedly dominated his thoughts only served to heighten my roiling bitterness.
Well. I had been a fool, then, that's all there was to it. That didn't mean that I would be so selfish as to poison his joy. I had swallowed hard and assured Luke that of course I'd come, wouldn't dream of missing it.
And now here I was, walking beside Luke's sister to the family seats at the front of the Massassi Temple, ready to watch him marry another woman.
I sit quietly beside Leia, holding tightly to my emotions. Jaina and Jacen, Luke's niece and nephew, glance at me with shy smiles before burrowing their faces against their parents' sides. Anakin, the youngest, is still asleep in Han's arms. We're hardly seated before the happy couple enters the temple. Next to me, Leia turns to watch Luke escort his bride up the aisle to where General Antilles is waiting. It's a relatively small wedding, officiated by one of Luke's oldest friends, and I feel frighteningly out of place. Luke turns his head a fraction to smile at Han and Leia as he passes us, then aims a smile directly at me. My heart leaps into my throat, and I swallow it brutally. Too late, too late to think like that.
Wedge begins the ceremony, and I watch, unseeing, as my thoughts drift defiantly. Luke had been my best friend, my anchor in an uncertain galaxy. He'd come to mean so much to me that I'd never even imagined this eventuality, never dreamed that someone else would become more dear to him. As far away as my mind is, my eyes cannot tear themselves from the scene that seems to rip my heart out, and I see the rightness of it. How could I ever have been so blind? She is his match in every way, able to share aspects of his life that I never could. Her eyes meet his adoringly, and I close my own against the surge of pain. He's chosen well. He will have every happiness I could have wished for him; that will have to be enough.
Moments stretch into lifetimes as the brief ceremony concludes. Leia, of course, is the first to her feet, at the head of a crowd of well-wishers.
I'm grateful for the time to collect myself, to compose my emotions and expression, but all too soon Luke's eyes search for me. I see them light up as he catches sight of me. Almost done, I tell myself as I smile back at him. Just a little while longer and I can make my escape and return to the solitude that I knew once and will know again.
All rational thought stops as Luke's arms envelop me. "I'm so glad you came," he says softly.
If there's any mercy left in the galaxy, he won't notice my suddenly increased heart rate. "I told you I would," I answer, pulling back. "Now stop that before your wife gets jealous."
He laughs, his blue eyes shining with a happiness that I have never known nor given. "She knows better."
"That doesn't mean you need to test her before the marriage is ten minutes old," I point out.
"She's right," a teasing voice adds.
I turn to face my rival - no, not rival. I had never truly been a contender. "Callista," I greet her. Who'd ever have thought that the mental barriers Palpatine had taught me so long ago would continue to be so useful, and for such a purpose?
"Mara," Callista answers, leaning forward to hug me gently. For a split second, I tense, then swiftly come to my senses and return the embrace. "We're both glad to see you here."
"I'd never miss it," I say as Callista releases me to take Luke's arm. Miss watching the death of my dreams and my future? I think, far behind my barriers. No, never. "It was a lovely ceremony."
"It was," Callista replies, her voice serene yet replete with happiness. "We're going to Chad for the honeymoon; did Luke tell you?"
I viciously shove thoughts of Luke's honeymoon deep down. "No, he didn't mention that."
"We'll be back in a month or so," Luke says, slipping an arm around Callista's waist. "Maybe you'll be at the next level of your training by then."
I shake my head, fighting for a calm beyond the surface. Luke can sense my emotions even if Callista can't, and wedding day or not, he just might. He's always been eerily good at picking up on my thoughts. "Karrde contacted me a few days ago. He has some jobs for me. They may take a while."
A sheen of disappointment is suddenly visible in Luke's eyes. "But you will be back," he says, as much a question as a statement. I'd never embraced my Jedi training as he'd thought I should. Probably another mistake on my part, and another beyond rectifying at this point. Staying here with Luke and his wife is an impossible option.
"Of course," I lie.
He smiles at me, too preoccupied to dig deeply enough to see the falsehood. "Soon, Mara. We'll miss you while you're gone."
I twitch a smile at him, the tears in my eyes easily blamed on the emotion of the occasion. My throat closes momentarily, and I throw my arms around him one last time. His arm tightens around me, and for one instant I can imagine that the situation was otherwise. Then reality settles coldly around me once more, and I pull away. "May the Force be with you both."
Luke smiles at me, the smile I know better than my own. "And with you, Mara." Callista's glowing smile joins Luke's, without a hint of anything less than joy within her to mar this day.
"Your other guests are waiting," I remind them. I've been successful so far; I can't stumble now. Luke reaches over to kiss my cheek before he turns away, and I stand frozen for a long moment, watching him walk away, out of my life; then I turn and walk out of his. I can be at my ship and in orbit before anyone notices. Luke will be disappointed when he finds me gone, but the feeling will be fleeting, soon forgotten, and it's better this way.
Some things just aren't meant to be.