How it usually goes.
I've made my own contributions to the #IAskedPolitely discussion, which probably got lost in the shuffle. But those are my unusual stories. Here are twothree real-life stories of what conflict resolution, in those kinds of scenarios, usually looks like for me.
I'm among a small group of hacker friends, and the subject of underrepresentation of ( Read more... )
I'm among a small group of hacker friends, and the subject of underrepresentation of ( Read more... )
-->Perhaps because you have not been socialized in the same way that other women have been socialized. I'm fairly certain this is the secret of my general success, too.
Most women are socialized to be accommodating. They are taught that saying "No" is unacceptable. They learn softer, indirect phrases. Those phrases generally work with other women, but frequently don't work with men (who are generally socialized to be direct and to interpret indirectness as weakness, or to completely miss that anything was said at all).
Even knowing about the problem doesn't help, since even if a woman eventually learns to be direct, her body language may still betray discomfort at being direct, and she won't be taken seriously by someone who has been taught that an indirect reply can be ignored.
When they are young, the price women (or girls, really) pay for not being accommodating may include:
1. More strife with parents, who interpret directness as "attitude"
2. Ditto with teachers and other authority figures
3. Peer group who mocks and excludes the "weird" girl
4. General difficulty in actually getting things done, because people don't know how to respond to someone who isn't following the "correct" social script
I rarely had to deal with #1, at least not in any obvious gender-based way.
Both #1 and #2 were countered in my life by comparison with my sister, who was generally accommodating and the "good" one. I didn't have to be accommodating, because being Not My Sister was for me more of a feature than a bug, and I willingly paid the price of any strife it brought me. Also, when I had teachers who couldn't cope with the smart girl, my parents actually backed me up.
I also have the story of the exact moment when, at age 12, I realized that I had been assuming things about myself as compared to others, simply because of my gender, and that it was all utterly wrong. It was an epiphany moment, and I swore then that I would keep an eye open for such bullshit and never again succumb to it. So I've been actively resisting female socialization since I was an adolescent. My epiphany moment is not necessarily something any other girl would have.
#3 is something every geek has experience with, and most of us manage to be pleased with ourselves about it. I suspect this is why, despite rampant sexism in geek circles, there is also rampant "But you are an exception" inclusion of some women. Outside geek circles, even that often doesn't exist. Ask me some time about the stories my sister tells me about being a high-powered female lawyer.
#4: I have run into this one, and usually find a reasonable work-around. But I have also learned to take advantage of my gender (and being blond) when a situation is most easily solved by playing the girl card. Do I hate it? You bet. I would feel less like a whore if I actually had sex in exchange for money. But the road to hell is lined with least resistance far more than good intentions. I assuage my distress with the thought that my actions are conscious, and that I have other behavioral options I use 99% of the time. (Also, that I only use these tactics to take advantage of sexist assholes. If they weren't sexist, I wouldn't have to be blonde at them, etc.)
So my theory is that you didn't have to suffer bad consequences (or didn't notice any such consequences, which amounts to the same thing) for being insufficiently female-socialized, but rather learned other techniques.
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