(no subject)
this fucking sucks.
grad school is cool and i'm already learning A LOT. but i wish i was his girlfriend again. or at least that he'd believe me about those things that he thinks i'm lying about and i wish that he could begin to forgive me. and i wish he could be in love with me again. when he looks at me, i jump around inside but i also die a little. i love him so much. i don't want to ever love anyone else. i might be able to but it's not a matter of being capable, it's a matter of wanting it. and i don't. i don't want to think that this kind of love could happen again. it feels too special. too real. too wonderful. too terrible.
we aren't going to get back together. i would rather that we keep doing this gray area stuff for the next five years of our lives than have either one of us date someone else. the pain that i feel now(even though it's a continuous pain) is what i'd prefer over the pain i'd feel if that happened(which may be sudden and big but might lessen as time goes on--but would never really be gone). so now that i've thought that out in my head(and hands), i don't see much of a difference. except in one situation i get to have him in my life and in the other, i lose him.
next month it would have been 4 years.
i think i'm gonna throw up.
grad school is cool and i'm already learning A LOT. but i wish i was his girlfriend again. or at least that he'd believe me about those things that he thinks i'm lying about and i wish that he could begin to forgive me. and i wish he could be in love with me again. when he looks at me, i jump around inside but i also die a little. i love him so much. i don't want to ever love anyone else. i might be able to but it's not a matter of being capable, it's a matter of wanting it. and i don't. i don't want to think that this kind of love could happen again. it feels too special. too real. too wonderful. too terrible.
we aren't going to get back together. i would rather that we keep doing this gray area stuff for the next five years of our lives than have either one of us date someone else. the pain that i feel now(even though it's a continuous pain) is what i'd prefer over the pain i'd feel if that happened(which may be sudden and big but might lessen as time goes on--but would never really be gone). so now that i've thought that out in my head(and hands), i don't see much of a difference. except in one situation i get to have him in my life and in the other, i lose him.
next month it would have been 4 years.
i think i'm gonna throw up.