(no subject)

[marabare]

i didn't know it was possible to miss someone this much. that your entire body aches for them.

i feel all of this all of the time.

yet i feel nothing all of the time because of how medicated i am. more often than not, i dont think i'm actually doing better. i think the medicine is making me act like i'm doing better. but it's not really me.

i stole a watch today. someone left it at the beach and someone else turned it in. and i stole it. and lied about it.

i feel sick.

i have off the next three nights and i feel guilty for not working. yet i'm so fucking tired that i should probably have a few days off. not just nights.

i'm not really looking forward to school. in fact, i'm kind of dreading it.

am i being debbie downer because i actually feel this way or am i just pre-PMSing and being self pitying? is there even a difference anymore?

what's sick is that its even hard for me to cry anymore because i almost feel dissociated from everyone and everything. i cried the other night because i was frustrated from work. i'm crying now because i miss him. i cried on saturday night explaining the story to shannon. other than that, i don't think i've cried in a few weeks. not because i'm getting better. but because the medication just doesn't let me.

i'm no happier than i was april 9th. i'm just medicated. and it's not the same thing. at all.

i want to throw up my entire stomach.

i want to go to sleep and never wake up again until he's next to me.

i want him to want to kiss me again.

i want to be forgiven for wrongs that i don't even know if i committed.

i want to him to want me to be his again. because to me, i'm already his. i always have been.

i hate that i love him(you) so much. but i wouldn't want it any other way.

yes i would.