Attempting to Get Back on Track
Yesterday (or rather early this morning if you will) I finally sat down and pounded out the rest of my summaries of each day of my trip to Belize. Before the massive wall of text that I hid behind LJ cuts I blathered on a little about why it took me so long. Now I feel the need to expound a little bit upon that thought. Why? Because a lot of time passed between entries and I feel like I should fill in more gaps and also because I just want to start blogging here more often again so why not start with a little explanation of my life happenings in the last year or so. I will try not to babble on too long about it.
I started this journal nearly ten years ago, a fact that I realized this morning while going over the last post and correcting some mistakes I made. Ten years is a long time, but also just the blink of an eye. Most of my journal entries were complaints about my now ex-husband, drama, and just daily happenings with some random quizzes, book reviews, movie reviews, and thoughts about current events. At one point I was writing here a lot and was participating in quite a few LJ groups. It is probably pretty obvious that I spent quite a lot of those ten years as a very unhappy person, which is sad. The better part of ten years is too much time wasted being unhappy.
In those ten years I moved several times. I had one infant when I started to journal and had another child during that time. I made and lost friends. I gained and lost pets. I got divorced. Mostly I made huge mistakes but also had incredibly good times and fun adventures. There are times when I wonder if things would have been better (or at least different) had I made different choices. The hard truth is that I wish I had made different choices. In many ways I am happy that I am divorced now but in many ways I am sad to be divorced. I sometimes wonder if I could have done things to make my marriage better and avoided it's ending but the fact is Jason, the kids and I might all be better off for it.
Currently I am in a relationship with someone. Many people think that I entered into a relationship too soon after Jason and I ended things, they are probably right in thinking that. I really do love the person I am with but it is not always easy. It has taught me that I shouldn't take things for granted and that no relationship is going to be perfect. I have learned that I have to be responsible for my own happiness instead of expecting people or things to make me happy. Unfortunately I let myself get lost, or maybe a better way to put it is that I lost a lot of myself in the last ten years.
I used to spend a lot of time reading and at one point in the past ten years I got back to reading a lot, but now I don't read as much as I want to. I used to journal often and now I don't, unless it is in my private journal or little updates on Facebook. I used to ride horses all the time and I haven't ridden one in almost a year now. The truth there is that I started having major anxiety attacks sometimes when riding and it crushed me. It was literally soul crushing to have an anxiety attack like I was having while doing something that I love to do. On top of that it was embarrassing and I couldn't control it.
I used to play the clarinet and it's probably been almost a year since I even tried to play it. When I got it out to show the children I realized how much I had forgotten and how rusty I was. It made me sad because I used to be the first chair and play the solos in high school. I used to volunteer, in my children's classrooms, with athletic programs and I haven't done much of that in the last year or two. A lot of that is because of work and on that note, I no longer have a job. I left my job because it made me very unhappy but that brought on new challenges of not having much money and no longer being able to fully support myself.
I still run but the only races I have participated in during the last couple of years have been the Cascade Lakes Relay (three years in a row) and two years ago I ran in the Shamrock Run. Unfortunately I haven't practiced Shotokan Karate since I lived in California and that is also something that I loved to do. I used to play video games and I rarely do that anymore because the person I am living with HATES video games with a passion. Lately I have started watching more movies again but not in the theaters. He doesn't really enjoy watching movies much either but he does make an effort to watch them with me because I enjoy them. Lately we have been watching a lot of documentaries together, which are incredibly informative but also slightly depressing.
There are just so many things that I loved to do that I don't do anymore and it makes me sad, but it also makes me angry and frustrated. Why can't I do these things, why don't I do these things? What is stopping me? I shouldn't feel bad for liking what I like or doing what I like to do. On the flip side we go to the coast more often than I have in years. We do things together as a family even though my children aren't his. He helped my kids make Pinewood Derby cars and was there on race day. He helps me around the house, he watches the kids if I need him to, he plays basketball with them, etc. etc.
What I am trying to say is that I am in a relationship that isn't always easy and maybe no relationship is ever easy. There have been a lot of ups and downs in this relationship but it is more satisfying than my marriage was. I am with a person who almost always makes me feel valued, special, important, beautiful, smart, funny, wanted and needed. I am with someone who wants to be involved. It isn't perfect and I am not always happy but I have learned I have to make myself happy. What makes me happy is doing things that I enjoy. Right now I know the main source of my unhappiness is the feeling of dependency. It is hard to not be making any money of my own and to rely on my partner. What makes it harder is that we are not married and I feel like he doesn't owe me that kind of commitment. Still he has SHOWN me that commitment.
Since I am no longer working I have been able to go through our belongings in the shop building, sort things out to donate and organize everything else. Soon I will start making the repairs that I can make to this house and finish unpacking and decorating inside. Someday I hope that we can make enough money to do some real remodeling in here... I am going to start volunteering more at my children's school and be more involved in their activities. I am going to start reading more, writing more, and hopefully participating in some races here and there. I want to get more involved in the community. Ideally I am going to start playing my clarinet again and look into becoming a part of the community band they have here in town (although it might only be in the summers). I hope that I can get more involved with horses again and maybe even Shotokan Karate.
Bottom line - I am going to take responsibility for my own happiness and make my life what I want it to be.
I started this journal nearly ten years ago, a fact that I realized this morning while going over the last post and correcting some mistakes I made. Ten years is a long time, but also just the blink of an eye. Most of my journal entries were complaints about my now ex-husband, drama, and just daily happenings with some random quizzes, book reviews, movie reviews, and thoughts about current events. At one point I was writing here a lot and was participating in quite a few LJ groups. It is probably pretty obvious that I spent quite a lot of those ten years as a very unhappy person, which is sad. The better part of ten years is too much time wasted being unhappy.
In those ten years I moved several times. I had one infant when I started to journal and had another child during that time. I made and lost friends. I gained and lost pets. I got divorced. Mostly I made huge mistakes but also had incredibly good times and fun adventures. There are times when I wonder if things would have been better (or at least different) had I made different choices. The hard truth is that I wish I had made different choices. In many ways I am happy that I am divorced now but in many ways I am sad to be divorced. I sometimes wonder if I could have done things to make my marriage better and avoided it's ending but the fact is Jason, the kids and I might all be better off for it.
Currently I am in a relationship with someone. Many people think that I entered into a relationship too soon after Jason and I ended things, they are probably right in thinking that. I really do love the person I am with but it is not always easy. It has taught me that I shouldn't take things for granted and that no relationship is going to be perfect. I have learned that I have to be responsible for my own happiness instead of expecting people or things to make me happy. Unfortunately I let myself get lost, or maybe a better way to put it is that I lost a lot of myself in the last ten years.
I used to spend a lot of time reading and at one point in the past ten years I got back to reading a lot, but now I don't read as much as I want to. I used to journal often and now I don't, unless it is in my private journal or little updates on Facebook. I used to ride horses all the time and I haven't ridden one in almost a year now. The truth there is that I started having major anxiety attacks sometimes when riding and it crushed me. It was literally soul crushing to have an anxiety attack like I was having while doing something that I love to do. On top of that it was embarrassing and I couldn't control it.
I used to play the clarinet and it's probably been almost a year since I even tried to play it. When I got it out to show the children I realized how much I had forgotten and how rusty I was. It made me sad because I used to be the first chair and play the solos in high school. I used to volunteer, in my children's classrooms, with athletic programs and I haven't done much of that in the last year or two. A lot of that is because of work and on that note, I no longer have a job. I left my job because it made me very unhappy but that brought on new challenges of not having much money and no longer being able to fully support myself.
I still run but the only races I have participated in during the last couple of years have been the Cascade Lakes Relay (three years in a row) and two years ago I ran in the Shamrock Run. Unfortunately I haven't practiced Shotokan Karate since I lived in California and that is also something that I loved to do. I used to play video games and I rarely do that anymore because the person I am living with HATES video games with a passion. Lately I have started watching more movies again but not in the theaters. He doesn't really enjoy watching movies much either but he does make an effort to watch them with me because I enjoy them. Lately we have been watching a lot of documentaries together, which are incredibly informative but also slightly depressing.
There are just so many things that I loved to do that I don't do anymore and it makes me sad, but it also makes me angry and frustrated. Why can't I do these things, why don't I do these things? What is stopping me? I shouldn't feel bad for liking what I like or doing what I like to do. On the flip side we go to the coast more often than I have in years. We do things together as a family even though my children aren't his. He helped my kids make Pinewood Derby cars and was there on race day. He helps me around the house, he watches the kids if I need him to, he plays basketball with them, etc. etc.
What I am trying to say is that I am in a relationship that isn't always easy and maybe no relationship is ever easy. There have been a lot of ups and downs in this relationship but it is more satisfying than my marriage was. I am with a person who almost always makes me feel valued, special, important, beautiful, smart, funny, wanted and needed. I am with someone who wants to be involved. It isn't perfect and I am not always happy but I have learned I have to make myself happy. What makes me happy is doing things that I enjoy. Right now I know the main source of my unhappiness is the feeling of dependency. It is hard to not be making any money of my own and to rely on my partner. What makes it harder is that we are not married and I feel like he doesn't owe me that kind of commitment. Still he has SHOWN me that commitment.
Since I am no longer working I have been able to go through our belongings in the shop building, sort things out to donate and organize everything else. Soon I will start making the repairs that I can make to this house and finish unpacking and decorating inside. Someday I hope that we can make enough money to do some real remodeling in here... I am going to start volunteering more at my children's school and be more involved in their activities. I am going to start reading more, writing more, and hopefully participating in some races here and there. I want to get more involved in the community. Ideally I am going to start playing my clarinet again and look into becoming a part of the community band they have here in town (although it might only be in the summers). I hope that I can get more involved with horses again and maybe even Shotokan Karate.
Bottom line - I am going to take responsibility for my own happiness and make my life what I want it to be.