(no subject)
Well here I am, listening to depressing music again. I try my best to fight the urge to do this to myself, but I can't help it. I'm not in the mood to be happy. I've noticed I like to feel sorry for myself and I like to miserable. That has to be the only explanation for it. I think I deserve it. Everything is afterall my fault for me to feel this way. I need to stop, but I can't seem to find the strength to make myself do it. My friends are probably getting tired of listening to me and my moping, or mooping, as Cherie and I call it. hehe I feel bad for that. I also feel bad because now I found out Chris loves me and here I am all hung up on Mikael. I feel bad for him like I'm being unfair and I feel awful about it. I do like him very much and care about him deeply. I'm just so screwed up right now. I wish I could just wake up and everything would be the way it use to, or else all better. I'm tired of the pain, I'm tired in general of all of it. I just want to cry, but the tears won't come anymore. Someone just hit me in the head, maybe then I would get it all out? I would just run into Chris' arms, but it still hurts too much. I don't want to get caught in another relationship so soon. I don't want to hurt. And I don't want to hurt him because of my inability to get a grip. I don't know what he sees in me. Or how anyone could have seen anything in me at all. I'm just a stupid, depressed lump, who's obsessive thinking gets her into trouble. I wish I could be normal. Yes, I'm actually wishing to be normal now. Then everything would be fine.