So this is what it's like when worlds collide
I have such a headache. I'm annoyed, confused, unsure. I wish I wasn't so insecure. I wish I didn't verbalize all the insecurities I have. I wish I could pretend I was completely happy. Actually I just wish I was actually happy. I keep getting mixed signals. Life is fuckin confusing. Life is painful after awhile you become numb, I mean I don't cry. I feel things but I've learned not to expect much from anyone of anything in life. It's bound to falter. I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic. I judge from experience and the majority of the time I'm hurt or let down. I just want to be alone, it hurts so much less. Im bitter and there's no way I can ever trust anyone again, not after all the bullshit people have put me through. So I'm self conscious and unsure and miserable and I guess I come off that way to other people too. I'm not secure with myself. I hate it. Sometimes I wish I was someone else who didn't let people get to me. Someone else who felt comfortable in their own skin. I feel like crying, but it's like I've forgotten how. I don't even remember how to smile most of the time. It doesn't come naturally, it's forced or caused by laughing at someone else's expense. I continue to do self destructive things hoping that they will make me less mara like but I'm always mara, always worried and full of doubt. Ever have a day where you wish you weren't alive? I don't mean you're suicidal and you want to die. I mean you wish you could just skip days and get past the uncertainty and wake up when things felt normal and safe again. Being awake makes me think, makes me worry, makes me hurt. When I feel like shit it's for a reason. I know when something's not right, when things aren't okay. My gut instincts are usually right. I'm rambling, sometimes it's what I need to do. I need to rant and ramble and spill my guys in words and phrases. I need to make sense of all the bullshit that goes through my brain non stop. I never feel good, but sometimes I feel better, like I'm at peace with myself. Between the chaos there is some logic, but I usually just drown in the chaos and by the time the logic comes into effect I'm already in way over my head. I look for complex solutions to simple problems. I didn't ask for any of this it just sorta happened. Life is like that though, we're thrown into situations and forced to handle them and some of us do and others well others fuck up and deal with the horrible consequences. I'm the 2nd type of person. I'm not even high right now. I'm just full of hate and rage and confusion. I don't feel like repeating myself anymore. It's all I do. I also contradict myself. I close on one final note. Download Boy Crazy by New Found Glory and listen to it religiously and maybe you'll understand what I deal with every day of my life, and you'll understand why I'm so bitter, so sad and lonely. I can't help it. It's not my fault.