No one cares...no one cares

[mara_is_a_dork]

So...I don't really need anything to happen to write an update. I actually have nothing to talk about. I worked all day like a zombie. The day went by fast and honestly I don't remember anything. I think someone yelled at me or something bad happened but I don't even know. That could have been another day. I'm living life like it's all one big dream. Maybe all my brain cells are gone and I no longer have a grip of reality. I don't want to go out and do anything. I don't want to hang out with people. I want to hibernate and be alone the rest of my life. Is that normal? Do people ever feel that way? I do. I used to love my friends and hanging out with them. I admit I do have fun with them but I have no desire to interact with human beings but at the same time all I want is for tons of people to love me. Maybe I just haven't met the right people yet. Maybe I'm just insane...I have like a newly developed social phobia with the people I have known the longest. I feel out of place. I feel like I don't belong in my own skin. There's this psycho irrational mind fighting a damaged blackened heart. The war takes place within me and I'm forced to adapt and except it. I'm forced to not let it get the best of me...but sometimes it does. It creeps up on me and when I least expect it I am horribly depressed and questioning the purpose of life. Sometimes I'm the strongest person you will ever meet and then other times I am a cowering crying baby. I'm paranoid. I'm scared. I always think I'm dying. I don't sleep and when I do I have nightmares. I want someone to love me but I don't even like myself. This isn't the life I had planned, this wasn't where I saw myself at the age of 20. This isn't who I wanted to be. I'm delusional. I hear things...sometimes I see things. I scare myself and psych myself up over nothing. I except drugs as a solution to my problem even though I know drugs are one of my biggest problems. I don't take responsibility for my actions. I'm selfish...but if I love you I never stop giving...to my friends anyway. I'm complicated but really it's simple. I have managed to write another insane ramble. It's ok. I think I need a nap or a shower. I don't know which I'll end up doing first. :Sigh:...

I wanna be so much more than this...