lost, but
I feel... lost.
When Granny died, I had a sense of purpose. I didn't cry much. I was in charge of certain aspects of the funeral Mass and wake. Everyone around me was falling apart and I was making big decisions. I was strong and stable. I was resolute, for lack of a better term.
Right now, I feel like I did when Papa died. That was 19 years ago. I'm shuffling around and forgetting why I shuffled into a room. I'm crying a lot. My eyes feel like they're going to burst out of my head. I both crave and dread sleep, because the nightmares have begun sneaking in again. I want company and I want to be alone. My chest aches, and not from SVT. I had a seizure last week from screens; I feel like I'm going to have a stress seizure.
There are things I could do to distract. Mafia (though that could be over if we lynched the wrong guy...). If it's still happening today, I'll be Suspect Numero Uno, and while I usually don't care, I don't know if I can handle the stress. I played Vince from the Boosh again. I have yet to be evil while playing him and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if he ever was XD People keep trying to distract me with my nephew, and they think they're being crafty about it. I know what you're doing. It's obvious. I could distract by setting up my new computer or my new desk. I'm not touching the desk today; the IKEA box burst open in my car and I have to carry it in piece by piece. There's ice outside and I'm unsteady on the best of days. Maybe I'll start setting up the new computer. I need to think of a name for him.
The funeral is tomorrow. I need to get clean, pick out clothes, and iron today as well. Honestly, I'm considering not going. My family is so screwed up. There WILL be fights. There will probably be fist fights. There will be screaming. I wonder if anyone told Uncle Jason. I was worried that, if the prison allows him to come, 3 people would see their abuser and he himself would see his abuser, but apparently felons have to come early and can't stay for family stuff. He may have done horrible things, but he still deserves to say goodbye. Grandpa would have wanted it.
Then again, Grandpa would have wanted a lot of things our messed up family can't provide. He would have hated what happened while the hospitals had him sedated for being "violent" (thanks for lying, Aunt Sue! You killed your father!), and he would hate the things that are about to happen.
I said to Mom a few days before he died that at least everything would be over soon. She said it won't be over until Grandma dies. She's right. Her family is obnoxious, but Dad's... they could be on Springer every day for a month and not scratch the surface. I promise that's not an exaggeration.
I'm going to check Mafia now. I also need to eat.
When Granny died, I had a sense of purpose. I didn't cry much. I was in charge of certain aspects of the funeral Mass and wake. Everyone around me was falling apart and I was making big decisions. I was strong and stable. I was resolute, for lack of a better term.
Right now, I feel like I did when Papa died. That was 19 years ago. I'm shuffling around and forgetting why I shuffled into a room. I'm crying a lot. My eyes feel like they're going to burst out of my head. I both crave and dread sleep, because the nightmares have begun sneaking in again. I want company and I want to be alone. My chest aches, and not from SVT. I had a seizure last week from screens; I feel like I'm going to have a stress seizure.
There are things I could do to distract. Mafia (though that could be over if we lynched the wrong guy...). If it's still happening today, I'll be Suspect Numero Uno, and while I usually don't care, I don't know if I can handle the stress. I played Vince from the Boosh again. I have yet to be evil while playing him and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if he ever was XD People keep trying to distract me with my nephew, and they think they're being crafty about it. I know what you're doing. It's obvious. I could distract by setting up my new computer or my new desk. I'm not touching the desk today; the IKEA box burst open in my car and I have to carry it in piece by piece. There's ice outside and I'm unsteady on the best of days. Maybe I'll start setting up the new computer. I need to think of a name for him.
The funeral is tomorrow. I need to get clean, pick out clothes, and iron today as well. Honestly, I'm considering not going. My family is so screwed up. There WILL be fights. There will probably be fist fights. There will be screaming. I wonder if anyone told Uncle Jason. I was worried that, if the prison allows him to come, 3 people would see their abuser and he himself would see his abuser, but apparently felons have to come early and can't stay for family stuff. He may have done horrible things, but he still deserves to say goodbye. Grandpa would have wanted it.
Then again, Grandpa would have wanted a lot of things our messed up family can't provide. He would have hated what happened while the hospitals had him sedated for being "violent" (thanks for lying, Aunt Sue! You killed your father!), and he would hate the things that are about to happen.
I said to Mom a few days before he died that at least everything would be over soon. She said it won't be over until Grandma dies. She's right. Her family is obnoxious, but Dad's... they could be on Springer every day for a month and not scratch the surface. I promise that's not an exaggeration.
I'm going to check Mafia now. I also need to eat.