F M L stands for F*ck my life
I know I said before that I would cheat on Facebook with you, and I lied. But I'm back and need a shoulder to cry on, so would you spare the I told you so until the end?
Now that we have that out of the way, I need to cry.
A month ago I broke up with the person I had been dating for the last almost 2 years. It didn't really phase me, he was unemployed, living off of me, with little prospect of going anywhere. I had just moved into a new position at work and can feel a new chapter of my life starting. I got the balls to kick him out and I felt empowered, rejuvenated, free. Since I have kicked him out he is more draining and frustrating than when he was just a lump on my couch. He calls me crying while I'm at work, he tells me he's going to hang himself, he tells me how he's different, how he's changed, how he's doing something. He's living off of his friends now instead of me, still unemployed, still a lump on a couch, that still isn't going anywhere. I know deep down in the bottom of my heart that I did the right thing, but he makes me feel so bad about doing what's right for me.
But these past five days really take the cake. Let me preface this by saying I know it takes two to tango, and I am at the very least partially to blame. And also let me add the hidden subtext of me trying to mack it to a certain gentleman for solely kissing purposes.
He messages me and asks me to talk to him. I oblige him, foolishly, and have a gut wrenching 45 minute conversation that ends with the two of us crying and me walking off and saying "What kind of piece of shit am I that I deserve to be 'loved' like that?" Only then to go out for the night under the impression that I am going to the bar for some group drinking. Only then to get there to find out that, oh just kidding you and the boy you want to kiss will be there alone on what seems suspiciously like a first date(He paid for dinner, but didn't try to kiss me?). Being so jarred by conversation coupled with shock of ambush first date = wicked awkward me, Happy Friday Night! Saturday and Sunday were admittedly quiet, with the exception of a facebook invite to a certain event this evening from Senior Kissy Face. I accept the invite for dancin' good times and go about my way. Guess who peeps my Facebook, sees that I'll be out on the town, and decides that he should be there too? Yes, the Ex. So the show started 15 minutes ago, and here I sit typing about it.
And in terms of Senior Kissy Face. That's way more confusing, and makes me want to just say Eff it all. He invites me out pretty regularly, or invites me to hang out at his place. When I hang out at his place he sits as close to me as possible, leans over me, talks very quietly so I have to lean in close, and is generally shy. So I don't know if there's even anything there, maybe I'm just reading too much into things.
And lastly there's me. There's something lacking in me since I was with/broke up with him. I'm not the same anymore, I'm not sure I'm even a real person anymore. I don't have any interests, I don't have many friends any more. Any social things that I do feel wierd. I went to the Roller Derby by myself a while ago, and left after the first half of the first match because I don't remember how to be alone any more. I am so used to doing every single thing with some one else that being alone makes me want to claw my eyes out. Perfect example, tonight is my alone night, because my roommate works late on Tuesday's. I couldn't even handle the 4 hours alone, I spent the whole time playing Red Dead Redemption, because I couldn't not allow my focus to be in my own control.
Which brings me back to the beginning, Fuck My LIfe....
I know LJ, I know, you could have told me so...
Now that we have that out of the way, I need to cry.
A month ago I broke up with the person I had been dating for the last almost 2 years. It didn't really phase me, he was unemployed, living off of me, with little prospect of going anywhere. I had just moved into a new position at work and can feel a new chapter of my life starting. I got the balls to kick him out and I felt empowered, rejuvenated, free. Since I have kicked him out he is more draining and frustrating than when he was just a lump on my couch. He calls me crying while I'm at work, he tells me he's going to hang himself, he tells me how he's different, how he's changed, how he's doing something. He's living off of his friends now instead of me, still unemployed, still a lump on a couch, that still isn't going anywhere. I know deep down in the bottom of my heart that I did the right thing, but he makes me feel so bad about doing what's right for me.
But these past five days really take the cake. Let me preface this by saying I know it takes two to tango, and I am at the very least partially to blame. And also let me add the hidden subtext of me trying to mack it to a certain gentleman for solely kissing purposes.
He messages me and asks me to talk to him. I oblige him, foolishly, and have a gut wrenching 45 minute conversation that ends with the two of us crying and me walking off and saying "What kind of piece of shit am I that I deserve to be 'loved' like that?" Only then to go out for the night under the impression that I am going to the bar for some group drinking. Only then to get there to find out that, oh just kidding you and the boy you want to kiss will be there alone on what seems suspiciously like a first date(He paid for dinner, but didn't try to kiss me?). Being so jarred by conversation coupled with shock of ambush first date = wicked awkward me, Happy Friday Night! Saturday and Sunday were admittedly quiet, with the exception of a facebook invite to a certain event this evening from Senior Kissy Face. I accept the invite for dancin' good times and go about my way. Guess who peeps my Facebook, sees that I'll be out on the town, and decides that he should be there too? Yes, the Ex. So the show started 15 minutes ago, and here I sit typing about it.
And in terms of Senior Kissy Face. That's way more confusing, and makes me want to just say Eff it all. He invites me out pretty regularly, or invites me to hang out at his place. When I hang out at his place he sits as close to me as possible, leans over me, talks very quietly so I have to lean in close, and is generally shy. So I don't know if there's even anything there, maybe I'm just reading too much into things.
And lastly there's me. There's something lacking in me since I was with/broke up with him. I'm not the same anymore, I'm not sure I'm even a real person anymore. I don't have any interests, I don't have many friends any more. Any social things that I do feel wierd. I went to the Roller Derby by myself a while ago, and left after the first half of the first match because I don't remember how to be alone any more. I am so used to doing every single thing with some one else that being alone makes me want to claw my eyes out. Perfect example, tonight is my alone night, because my roommate works late on Tuesday's. I couldn't even handle the 4 hours alone, I spent the whole time playing Red Dead Redemption, because I couldn't not allow my focus to be in my own control.
Which brings me back to the beginning, Fuck My LIfe....
I know LJ, I know, you could have told me so...