Stargazer (2/2)

Mar 25, 2014 22:23



“Jealousy” is a concept Luhan has only read about in e-books and seen in movies, so it's understandable that the first time he feels it, he doesn't recognize it for what it is.

After a year of being apart, they're back in Seoul today, preparing for their first round of promotions as 12-member group EXO with “Wolf.” It's strange being with EXO-K again after only meeting them for concerts abroad and a few performances in shows together here and there. But as Yixing says, Luhan is an enthusiastic person, and it doesn't take long for the rest of the group to warm up to him.

Luhan is in the middle of telling Jongin a funny story about Minseok and a plate of dumplings when he sees Sehun enter the practice room. The young boy has grown significantly taller since the last time they've seen him, and he immediately sticks to Minseok's side as soon as he catches sight of him. "Minseokkie-hyung!"

"You sound like a kid," Minseok says, ruffling Sehun's hair.

Sehun tries to duck away from Minseok's touch, but Minseok is strong and he's forced to endure the ruffling. From the look on his face, though, Luhan thinks Sehun doesn't really mind. "I only let you ruffle my hair because you're my hyung. Just so you know."

Luhan finds himself frowning when Minseok smiles widely.

"What are you two doing?" Luhan asks, his feet automatically taking him to where Sehun and Minseok are. He wedges himself in between the two boys and puts one arm each around their shoulders.

"There's such a thing called personal space, Luhan," Minseok says lightly, but Luhan knows he's long past caring. "We're just catching up. Sehun's so tall now I kind of don't want to be around him anymore."

"Hyung!"

Luhan likes the sound of that. He blinks. Did he just feel a jolt of happiness at the thought of Sehun and Minseok being apart? He frowns at himself.

"Luhan-hyung too?" Sehun seems to have taken note of Luhan's dour face. "Look, it's not my fault you two are ridiculously short, while I have superior genes." A wicked gleam appears in his eyes, and before either of them can react, he’s already ruffling Minseok's hair.

Yixing makes a startled sound from behind them. No one has ever gotten away with ruffling Minseok’s hair--not even Luhan or Kris. "Oh Sehun, you have a death wish," he says, shaking his head.

Minseok just laughs. His eyes are sharp, but he leans into Sehun's touch. "You're going to pay for this later, punk, but since we haven't seen you in a while, I'll let you off easy."

Luhan thinks his jaw might have dropped.

"Hey, Luhan, defend our honor or something," Minseok continues. "This kid thinks he can go around disrespecting his hyungs."

Luhan opens his mouth and closes it. He lets go of both Minseok's and Sehun's shoulders and licks his lips. "You're right. He needs to learn his lesson," he says, not quite sure where his mouth is going with his words. "So, Sehun, how about treating your Luhan-hyung to bubble tea? There’s a shop in Shinsadong I heard about. Cofioca, wasn't it?"

Sehun's eyes light up immediately. "Sure, hyung. That’s my favorite place."

Minseok rolls his eyes. "He's going to con you into giving him free bubble tea instead. Just you wait."

Sehun puts a finger to his mouth and winks at Minseok. "Shush, hyung, you're ruining everything."

As Sehun drags Luhan out of the practice room, Luhan looks back at Minseok. Minseok smiles and waves at him.



"You're spending a lot of time with Sehun," Yixing says when he catches Luhan sneaking into EXO-M's designated dorm long past their practice hours. Now that they're back in Seoul, he and Yixing are roommates, while Minseok is with Tao in the next room.

"We just went out for bubble tea," Luhan mumbles, dropping his black snapback on the bedside table. "Sehun's so obsessed with it it’s crazy."

Yixing is sitting on his bed in a tank top and shorts, strumming his guitar absentmindedly with his fingers. "You're not really into bubble tea."

Luhan looks at his hands. "Yeah. I like coffee better, actually. I'm just humoring him.” Sehun is a really nice kid once you get to know him, Luhan thinks.

"The doting hyung," Yixing says quietly. "Sehun has stars in his eyes when he's with you, have you noticed that?"

"He does?" Luhan feels a pinprick of panic at Yixing's words.

"Yeah, I think he's a little starstruck, to be honest. You're like his boy crush or something." Yixing laughs at the flabbergasted look on Luhan's face. "Why do you look so distressed?"

"I-I just...I didn't notice at all."

"It's like how you used to act around Minseok," Yixing says, fingers strumming an F chord on his guitar.

"What are you talking about?" Luhan feels out of his element. His emotions are all jumbled up inside him, and his hands are starting to sweat as Yixing keeps on talking.

Yixing just looks amused by Luhan's flustered expression. "Don't look so surprised. You used to act like Minseok was your idol and you were his no. 1 fan." Yixing seems to consider his words. "Actually, you do still treat him like you're his no. 1 fan, but now it's more like you're on even ground."

"Do I really act that embarrassing around Minseok?" Luhan's voice is suddenly pitched high.

"Are you saying Sehun is embarrassing? Okay, yeah, he is sometimes and so are you, but nobody cares," Yixing says, his voice soothing. "We all think it’s endearing."

"Minseok thinks I'm a creeper too?!"

"I haven't actually asked Minseok," Yixing says, "but I think he just chalks it up to your natural clinginess."

Luhan groans. He wants to curl into a ball and hide under his bed. How do humans deal with all these useless feelings? He’s never had a reason to be embarrassed until he got to Earth.

"But, anyway,” Yixing continues, “I wasn't talking about Minseok. I was talking about Sehun. He thinks you're the best hyung ever. He even mentions you in interviews now. You and your bubble tea dates."

"That's just silly," Luhan says. "I haven't known him for as long as the others." At the back of his mind, he remembers Sehun's cheeks coloring just a little bit when their fingers had brushed while trying to pick up the same cup of bubble tea. He frowns.

Yixing hums. "Well, I think it's cute." He strums another chord on his guitar. "You know," he says, smiling, and Luhan visibly braces himself for Yixing’s next words, "the way Sehun acts around you is how he used to act around Minseok too."



The truth is that none of the boys really like "Wolf." The first week they practice their choreography, Kyungsoo actually cringes every time the song plays. Nobody likes the tree pose either. First, it looks embarrassing. Second, it’s just as embarrassing to do. The struggle involved in trying not to hit each other’s body parts is a sight to behold (besides, it’s tiring having to hold a pose for a long time).

“Suck it up, you guys,” Joonmyun tells them in the middle of practice one time when even Jongin and Yixing, who never complain when it comes to dancing, look a little worse for wear. “It will all be worth it in the end.”

It is.

When they get their first win on KBS Music Bank, almost everyone is on the verge of crying. Luhan feels a sense of euphoria when the MC calls out their name. His heart is beating fast inside its ribcage, and there’s a rush of something thrumming in his veins as Minseok squeezes his hand and Sehun moves in to give him a huge hug. There are no tears in his eyes (Centaurians don’t really cry) as he listens to “Suho” saying thank you to their fans as if his life depends on it. But Luhan feels strange anyway. Like there’s something prickling at the corners of his eyes that doesn’t quite make its way out.

Minseok is just as dry-eyed as Luhan. His eyes are a little misty, but it’s probably just from his contact lens. He smiles at Luhan, and Luhan thinks he’s never seen Minseok smile as beautifully as he’s doing now.

After the show, they go out for all-you-can-eat samgyupsal. It’s Luhan who suggests the place to them, a hole-in-the-wall restaurant near his old apartment complex in Sinchon that serves unlimited samgyupsal for just 8,000 won per person. It’s a little rundown, but the food is good and the last time he was in Seoul, it was still pretty much undiscovered by students.

“Dude, money isn’t a problem right now,” Baekhyun says at Luhan’s suggestion. “We’ve got Joonmyun-hyung with us.”

Luhan frowns in confusion. “But the samgyupsal is really delicious and cheap! Isn’t that good?”

“You’re adorable, hyung,” Sehun says, and he shares a look with Minseok over Luhan’s head.

“Come on, you brats, cheap is good,” Joonmyun says.

“But we just got our first no. 1!” Chanyeol’s hair is all over the place tonight, as if all the hair product in his hair decided to up and leave after they won. “We deserve to celebrate!”

In the end, their manager-hyung does end up taking them to the place, going the extra mile by getting them private space at the restaurant (not that the place was overflowing with people).

Luhan drinks for the first time that night. At first, all he does is stare at the bottle of soju in front of him like it’s a foreign entity.

“It’s not going to bite you, Luhan.” Minseok, who is sitting beside him, nudges a shot glass in his direction.

“I’ve never actually had soju,” Luhan confesses, just in time for a lull to hit the table.

“Oh my god,” Baekhyun says in a horrified tone, putting a hand over his heart in one exaggerated motion. “You haven’t lived.” He’s sitting in between Jongdae and Chanyeol at the opposite side of the table. The other two boys look just as surprised he does.

“I say we play a drinking game!” Jongdae volunteers, the sides of his mouth curling upward as he smiles. “It’ll be like Luhan-hyung’s initiation.”

“Nope,” Joonmyun says from the head of the table, and even though everyone likes teasing him, they also know his word is law when it comes to work. “Not when we have a schedule tomorrow.”

“Luhan-hyung still needs to drink, though.” Sehun reaches for a bottle of soju, intending to pour for Luhan, but Minseok shakes his head at him and gets to it first. He pours Luhan his first shot of the night, and a fascinated Luhan does the same for him.

Luhan wrinkles his nose after he downs his shot. “Blech. Why do you all even like this?”

Minseok laughs at him. “You’ll get used to it.”

Luhan doesn’t. Each shot tastes just as bitter as the first, and he finds that his brain gets more and more confused as time goes along. “Minseok?” he calls out to the blurry blob that kind of looks like Minseok in front of him. “Is that you?”

“Are you already drunk?” the thing that looks like Minseok asks him. Luhan squints and the blurriness in his eyes disappears. It’s Minseok, all right. “You haven’t even had that much.”

“Figures he’d be a lightweight,” someone says and everyone starts laughing.

Luhan frowns. “Are you--are you all laughing at me?” His frown slowly morphs into a full-on pout.

Yixing’s distinct giggly laugh floats above the rest. “Oh no. He acts cute when he’s drunk!”

“You’re making a strange face again,” Minseok whispers in his ear. Luhan can hear the laughter in his voice.

“‘M not.” Luhan blinks at Minseok. “Hey.” He nudges Minseok’s shoulder. “Hey.”

“What?”

“Your eyes are really pretty,” Luhan slurs. “I just thought you should know.”

Minseok laughs. “Thanks, I guess.”

“And, you know, your arms. They’re really...strong.” Luhan squints at Minseok and squeezes one of his biceps. “See?”

“Uh.” Minseok’s laughter sounds nervous now as Luhan’s hand moves from Minseok’s biceps--to his mouth.

“And your lips…” Luhan’s voice trails off as he traces the softness of Minseok’s lower lip with his fingers. He can feel Minseok breathing on his fingertips.

“Minseok-hyung,” Sehun interrupts. Luhan’s fingers fall from Minseok’s lips. “I feel all jittery. You want to grab some coffee after this?”

“No,” Luhan says before Minseok can give an answer. He waves vaguely in Sehun’s direction. “Minseok can’t do it. Minseok has...he has other things to do.” He tries to smile. “Right, Minseokkie?”

Wu Fan’s deep voice booms from somewhere on Luhan’s right. “God, he’s wasted. One of us is going to end up carrying him back to the van later.”

“Sehun can do it,” Minseok immediately volunteers.

“What? No!” Sehun and Luhan both protest.

“Luhan-hyung looks heavy!” Sehun adds. “So no way!”

“Minseokkie,” Luhan says, touching the curve of Minseok’s cheek with clumsy fingers. He can’t believe Minseok just pawned him off to Sehun so easily like that. “You’re my best friend! You have to do it!”

Minseok sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Fine,” he huffs out. He drains his shot of soju.

“Okay,” Luhan says, a smile creeping on his face. “That’s good.” His eyelids feel heavy. “I knew you wouldn’t fail me, Minseokkie. That’s why...you’re my favorite.”

The last thing Luhan remembers before everything goes black is Yixing’s voice going, “He’ll be so embarrassed when he wakes up tomorrow.”



Luhan wakes up with the worst headache he’s ever had in his entire life. In fact, it’s possibly the only headache he’s ever had (Centaurians don’t often get sick). The world spins around him as he tries to get up from bed. “I am never going to drink again,” he announces to no one.

Minseok’s soft laughter startles him.

“Minseok?” Luhan is on immediate alert. “Why are you here? Where’s Yixing?”

Minseok is sitting casually on Yixing’s bed. He’s in a purple hoodie and a tight pair of jeans, which means the rest of the members have probably already taken their showers. “Conning manager-hyung into getting us breakfast. How’s your head?”

“Awful.” Luhan moans pitifully as he feels his head throbbing. “Soju definitely isn’t for me.”

“You just had a few shots,” Minseok says, amused. “I can’t believe you got drunk.” He gets up from Yixing’s bed and perches on the edge of Luhan’s. “Mmm...you do look awful. Your eyes are bloodshot. The makeup artist noona’s not going to like it.”

“You’re not exactly making me feel any better here.”

Minseok smiles. “Now you’re just being ungrateful. I got you hangover soup. I think I deserve a thank you, at least.”

Luhan looks at him blankly.

Minseok points at the bedside table, where a bowl of steaming soup is waiting for him. “Eat up. It will make you feel better.” He grins, and this time, it looks almost mischievous. “There’s a reason I’m your favorite.”

Luhan struggles to control the expression on his face.



Luhan clings.

He finds himself gravitating towards Minseok no matter what they’re doing. His hand automatically reaches for Minseok’s after performances, and if he can’t hold Minseok’s hand, his arm finds its way around Minseok’s waist. They’re in Seoul now, and Minseok doesn’t need Luhan to translate for him anymore, but Luhan keeps whispering in Minseok’s ear anyway, trying to make him laugh with nonsense comments. Minseok doesn’t need Luhan to get people to notice him either. He’s popular here, amazingly so, and while Luhan is happy for him (isn't this what he's always wanted for Minseok?), a part of him feels disappointed that he has to share Minseok with so many people.

If Minseok notices Luhan’s sudden clinginess, he doesn’t say a word. The other members, though, are a different story.

At the dorms, while Minseok and Yixing are watching a variety show in the living room and laughing together, Luhan nonchalantly sits between them on the sofa and settles his arm around Minseok’s back.

“Go get your own chair,” Minseok says, rolling his eyes, but he doesn’t remove Luhan’s arm.

Yixing stares at Luhan, his dimples showing as he smirks.

“What?” Luhan asks, his eyes now glued to the TV. Minseok’s back is warm to the touch.

Yixing shakes his head. “You’re really petty these days, Luhan,” he says, and that’s the end of it.

Luhan almost sags in relief, but he pretends he doesn’t care. Dealing with Yixing is easy. It’s the other members he’s afraid of.

Things get especially worse where Zitao is concerned because if there’s anyone clingier than Luhan, it’s him, and there’s nothing else Tao enjoys more than cuddling. Luhan takes to checking on Minseok and Tao at bedtime, monitoring if Tao is doing anything but sleeping in his own bed. One time, he catches Tao in the middle of climbing into Minseok’s bed and he panics.

“No!” Luhan screams, turning on the light in their room.

Both Tao and Minseok look at him sleepily.

“Sorry,” Luhan says, “I was just, um, wondering if anyone wanted to have a midnight snack with me.”

“It’s 2:30AM, ge, and we need to get up in two hours.” Zitao blinks at him. His voice is thick with fatigue.

“Haha. I was just, you know, checking.” Luhan smiles his best smile, which isn’t really saying much.

Zitao is now safely ensconced in Minseok’s bed. He pulls the covers over himself and Minseok until only Minseok’s face and neck are above the blankets. Luhan’s heart squeezes painfully when Zitao proceeds to tug Minseok closer to him. “You should sleep too, ge.”

“Right,” Luhan whispers.

“Luhan?” Minseok’s voice rings out loud and clear in the silence. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Minseok sits up and makes to get out of bed. Tao whines as his human pillow begins to move. “Hyung, I want to cuddle.” He clings to Minseok’s waist.

Minseok sighs. “Taozi, you’re not going to die if we don’t cuddle.”

“How do you know I won’t?”

“You’re such a drama queen.” Minseok rolls his eyes and beckons Luhan to come in. “Well, don’t just stand there. Turn off the light and get in here. Tao’s bed is free since he’s not using it.”

Luhan hesitates for all but five seconds, and then he’s turning off the light and eagerly jumping onto Tao’s bed. A sliver of light from the living room illuminates Minseok’s face in the darkness. He’s beautiful even like this, Luhan thinks, taking in the curve of Minseok’s jaw and the slope of his nose. His gaze falls on Minseok’s lips, and suddenly his throat is dry. He swallows. There’s that weird feeling in his stomach again. Like a thousand butterflies are trapped inside.

“Yixing’s with Jongdae and Kris, isn’t he?” Minseok says, a knowing smile on his face. “You don’t really sleep well when you’re alone.”

Luhan shrugs. It’s not about being alone. It’s about Minseok being somewhere else. He clutches at the bedspread as the realization rolls in. Maybe he cares about what Minseok is doing a little too much. He watches as Tao tightens his hold on Minseok’s waist until the other boy is forced to lie back down on the bed. “Why do I live with clingy people?” Luhan hears Minseok mutter under his breath. “Why?”

Tao groans and moans for a bit, but his eyes are already closed, and it doesn’t take too long before Luhan can see his chest move up and down as he starts breathing regularly.

“Luhan, are you already asleep?” Minseok’s voice is soft and quiet. It makes the pit-patter of Luhan’s heart calm down just a little bit.

“No.”

“I figured,” Minseok says. “What’s really going on? Are you okay?”

The concern in Minseok’s voice is palpable. Luhan has to force himself to squeeze his eyes shut so that he won’t have to look at Minseok (sometimes it hurts just to look at him). “I’m fine,” he answers robotically. “I’m just...tired.”

Minseok takes so long to answer after that that Luhan thinks he’s already fallen asleep. “You can tell me anything. You know that, right? If you need to talk, I’m right here.”

“I know,” Luhan says. “I’m really happy that you’re my friend.” He opens his eyes and turns to look at Minseok. The other boy is smiling at him. It’s Luhan’s favorite smile, the one he wishes he can do too, because Minseok makes it look like the easiest thing in the world.

“You’re being all sappy again,” Minseok says warmly. “Dork.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but Luhan hears the unspoken gratitude in his voice all the same.



Even Minseok has limits too. Sometimes Luhan forgets. He's used to pushing and pushing and Minseok never pulling. He takes Minseok's patience for granted, but what he doesn't realize is that he's only able to invade Minseok's space because Minseok lets him.

It's a cold night in late autumn when Minseok finally snaps. They have no schedules for the evening, and everyone's off doing their own thing or just catching up on sleep. Sehun is trying to get Minseok to play video games with him ("Tao really sucks at games! Take pity on me, hyung!"), while Luhan is forcing him to go out for coffee.

"It's cold," Minseok says. He's wearing a thick hoodie with a cartoon character on the front--given by a fan--and wool pajamas. Minseok doesn't deal with cold weather well, this Luhan knows. "I think I'll just stay here."

Sehun cheers and pumps his fists in the air. "Okayyyy! Let's play FPS!"

Minseok just watches him with amusement and meets Luhan's eyes with a fond smile.

But Luhan is just a little bit stupid today (the truth is he feels less and less Centaurian and more human each day). Maybe it’s something in the air on Earth; maybe it’s just Luhan. "You're picking Sehun over me?" he blurts out before he can stop himself. It's Minseok, he thinks. It's always because of Minseok.

"You always choose everyone else but me.” It’s like watching a train wreck. Luhan just keeps talking. “I thought you were my best friend." He knows he’s just whining. I don't mean that, he thinks to himself, but for some reason, he can't open his mouth. It's like someone has taken over his body, and all he can say are things that will hurt Minseok.

The smile fades from Minseok's face, and he gives Luhan a long, searching look. "If you really think that," he says quietly,"then you don't know me at all."

Sehun is looking back and forth between them like he expects someone to throw a punch. His face is scrunched in worry, and it's in moments like this that Luhan really remembers just how young he really is.

"Come find me when you're done being stupid," Minseok says, and then he's leaving the room without looking back.

It’s tame as far as arguments in EXO go, but Luhan feels like his heart’s been torn into pieces. He wants to chase after Minseok and apologize, but his legs are glued to the ground as he panics. Sehun is left to watch as Luhan's lower lip trembles. Luhan waits for Sehun to say something, like, "Why did you do that, hyung?" or "How could you be so stupid?" Because Luhan is stupid, he really is. But all Sehun does is rub the apple of Luhan's cheek with his thumb. Luhan blinks when he sees the moisture on Sehun's skin.

"Don't cry, hyung," Sehun says softly, and that's when Luhan realizes tears are running down his cheeks.



In the end, it’s Jongin who takes care of the mess that is Luhan. The two of them are assigned to do a complicated dance sequence for one of their next music show performances, and so they stay in the practice room long after the others are gone to make sure their moves sync perfectly.

Luhan doesn’t think of himself as a particularly gifted dancer, but he loses himself in the moment and lets Jongin’s flow guide him. They dance for what seems like hours (in reality, it’s probably just 30 minutes) until Luhan feels a little bit of sweat running down his face and trickling down his back.

“Do you even sweat?” Jongin asks, tone almost incredulous, as he mops up the rivulets of perspiration running down his shoulders, back, and face with a big fluffy towel. It’s obviously not enough to absorb all of Jongin’s sweat because he ends up getting an extra towel from his backpack.

Luhan just blinks at him. “My palms get really sweaty when Minseok’s around,” he says with an absent-minded smile, and then he’s frowning because just the thought of Minseok gives his heart a painful twinge.

Jongin snorts. “I was talking about dance practice, but yeah, I guess that works too.” There’s a sharp look in his eyes as he observes Luhan twirling his small towel with one hand. “Speaking of Minseok-hyung,” he says quietly, “did you guys have a fight?”

The towel falls from Luhan’s hand. “It’s that obvious?”

Jongin rolls his eyes. “Duh. Everyone noticed. The two of you are like glued at the hip. It’s weird when your body parts aren’t next to each other.”

Luhan laughs, but it sounds even more awkward than usual. “I messed up.”

“Then fix it,” Jongin says. It’s amazing, Luhan thinks, how straightforward Jongin is, as if he believes things can really be fixed that easily.

“No, no, you don’t understand,” Luhan says, trying to keep the distress out of his voice (he fails). “I really messed up.”

Jongin seems to consider this for a moment, and then he’s sitting on the floor, cross-legged, patting the space beside him for Luhan.

Luhan follows him blindly, legs like jelly as he plops beside Jongin. He draws his knees up to his chest and sighs. He doesn’t really know where to begin. “Jongin, have you ever...said something without really meaning to and hurt someone you care about?”

Jongin snorts again. “All the time.”

“Well, I kind of did something like that to Minseok,” Luhan says, rubbing his forehead with his palm. “It was over something silly.” He hesitates before continuing. “I was...feeling weird because he was paying more attention to Sehun than me, so I said some bad things I didn’t mean.”

“You mean you felt jealous?” Jongin asks.

Luhan frowns in confusion. “Jealous?” In his mind’s eye, he calls up the dictionary definition of the word. Was he “spiteful over someone else’s success”? Not really. “Bitter over losing someone’s affection”? He blinks as an image of Minseok appears unbidden inside his head.

“Yeah. I mean, Sehun was jealous of you for a while. He kept whining about how he was losing Minseok-hyung. It was pretty annoying,” Jongin says, his tone conversational. “But now all he says is ‘Luhan-hyung is great! Luhan-hyung is so cute!’ Actually, now that I think about it, it’s just as annoying. You have to disillusion him or something. He gets attached so easily.”

Luhan laughs in surprise.

“So were you really jealous of Sehun?” Jongin asks. “Because you really have nothing to worry about. Sehun likes you, and he likes Minseok-hyung too.”

Luhan lets out a long and drawn-out sigh. “I don’t know. If that’s what being jealous is, I think I was jealous of Yixing and Taozi too.”

“What do you mean?”

“When Minseok is around other people, I get this...urge to take him away from them.” Luhan gives Jongin an imploring look.

Jongin shrugs. “That’s normal. He’s your best friend. Of course you want to be with him all the time. Not that I’m with Taemin all the time, but you get the idea.”

Luhan nods thoughtfully. “So that’s what being jealous is, huh? When I see Minseok with other people, my chest hurts and my stomach feels all jittery. Sometimes even just looking at him when he’s by himself makes my chest all tight. I thought I was just getting sick or something, which is odd because I never get sick.”

Luhan hesitates before continuing. “There’s one thing I find really weird though.” He bites his lower lip. “Have you ever looked at Taemin and wondered what his lips taste like? Because sometimes I look at Minseok...” His voice trails off.

Jongin chokes, making Luhan pause in his musings. His bandmate is looking at him as if he’s grown a second head. “Are you for real, hyung?”

Luhan scratches his head. “What? Is it that bad?”

Jongin’s face looks like it’s torn between being serious and incredulous. “You really don’t know, don’t you?” He takes a deep breath. “Don’t you see?” he says quietly. “I think you’re in love with Minseok-hyung.”



In love, Luhan thinks as he pores over the material he got off the Internet on his tablet. He’s in love with Minseok. The words repeat in his head. He ends up on a site for a magazine called Cosmopolitan, and he reads an article called “10 Signs You’re in Love” with trepidation. “He’s on your mind all the time,” the first line says. “You’re jealous when you see him with someone else,” reads another. “You’re reduced to a classic case of teenage hormones around him (sweaty palms, stuttering, blushing, butterflies in your stomach).” Check, check, and check.

Luhan looks for the source at the bottom of the page and sees none. “Where’s the scientific basis for this?” he mutters to himself. He hits Google and goes on to read pages and pages of research about dopamine and oxytocin and all those other hormones involved in inducing “love.”

But no matter how much research he finds, no matter how many articles he reads, he just ends up getting more confused. None of it really makes sense. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why he feels the way he does. All he knows is that the moment Jongin had said he was in love with Minseok, his heart had agreed.

Three days. Luhan is calm for three days. It's a relief to finally know why he feels so strange around Minseok (and why Minseok makes him smile stupidly for no reason). But on the fourth day, his relief turns to panic at the thought of his feelings being laid out in the open. He’s so overwhelmed by his emotions that he thinks he’ll blurt out how he feels as soon as he sees Minseok. In his mind’s eye, he’s already imagining the coldness of Minseok’s rejection. The worst thing, he thinks, the worst thing that can happen is that he loses Minseok forever.

And so he resorts to avoiding Minseok whenever he can, a hard feat considering they’re always next to each other during interviews or trapped in the same van. It gets worse when Minseok actually starts looking for him.

“Can we talk?” Minseok asks with a touch to Luhan’s arm, but Luhan is fast and he walks away, pretending he doesn’t hear anything.

Luhan becomes so invested in his avoidance that he becomes manager-hyung’s favorite--because in order to dodge Minseok, Luhan is always the first person awake and the last person to turn in at the dorm. But there’s only so much a person can do--even if he is from another planet--when they’re living under one roof.

Luhan is hiding out on the balcony one night, curled up in a corner with his knees drawn to his chest as he looks at the stars in the sky (today, there are three). A pair of familiar blue lace-up Vans appears in his line of sight, and a shadow blocks the stars from his view.

“You can’t avoid me forever,” Minseok says as he bends down to scoot beside Luhan until they’re sitting side by side, their knees touching. Luhan hates that his heart starts beating erratically as soon as he feels the warmth of Minseok’s skin. “I told you to come find me when you’re done being stupid. I didn’t mean you should be stupid forever.” The expression on Minseok’s face is reproachful, but his eyes are soft.

“I’m sorry,” Luhan says in a rush. “I really am. I didn’t mean to say all those things. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“It’s okay. I forgive you.”

“That was too easy.” Luhan lets out a frustrated noise. “Why do you have to be so nice?”

Minseok rolls his eyes. “People are usually happy when other people are nice to them. But you have to be the odd one, don’t you?”

“I’m just saying.” Luhan looks at the ground. “You shouldn’t forgive me so easily.”

Minseok laughs and takes Luhan's hand in his. Luhan's fingertips feel warmer as Minseok presses their palms together. "You're still a bit stupid for avoiding me like that, but you’re my best friend. I miss you.”

There was a time when hearing Minseok call Luhan his best friend would have made him overflow with happiness. Now, he realizes, he just wants more. “I was scared,” Luhan whispers.

“Are you saying I scare you?” Minseok makes as if to shove him away. There’s mirth in his eyes. “What are you so afraid of?”

“Look,” Luhan says, taking a deep breath to steady himself and calm the surge of feelings in his chest. Minseok’s face is so close if this goes on any longer he thinks he’s going to have a heart attack. “I have something to tell you, and the truth is, it scares me to death.”

“Death is a little...” Minseok’s voice is teasing.

“I’m serious,” Luhan says. “This is really scary for me.”

Minseok’s face turns solemn at Luhan’s words. “What is it?”

Luhan bites his lower lip in agitation. “You have to promise me that you won’t hate me.”

Minseok waves him away. “As if I could ever hate you.”

In spite of everything, Luhan smiles just a little bit. He takes another long, calming breath. “So, um, it’s like this,” he begins, watching the expression on Minseok’s face intently as he speaks. “Jongin and I, we were talking a while back...about stuff. And we got to talking...about you. And me. And I think I might-I think I might-ithinkiminlovewithyou.”

Minseok blinks at him.

“I’m in love with you,” Luhan repeats more clearly this time, and when Minseok just looks at him calmly, he adds, “Say something, anything.” Suddenly, Luhan has a thought. “No. No way. Please don’t tell me Jongin told you something.”

“He might have,” Minseok admits, looking apologetic. He runs a hand through his hair. “But I think he was just trying to help, so don’t be mad at him.”

Luhan groans and attempts to hide his face behind his hands. “This is so embarrassing.”

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m, ah, really thankful.” Minseok’s voice sounds almost sheepish.

Luhan’s heart sinks with every word. It was worth a try. At least he won’t have any regrets. But why, why does his heart still hurt so much?

“You want to know something that’s actually embarrassing?” Minseok follows up. He’s still running his hand through his hair. At the back of Luhan’s mind, he remembers that Minseok only does that when he’s nervous.

“What is it?”

Minseok motions for Luhan to come closer. When Luhan is close enough, Minseok leans in, but instead of words whispered against his ear, Luhan is surprised when he feels soft lips pressing against his (Minseok’s mouth is so warm). It’s a chaste kiss--nothing like the long and torrid ones he’s seen in that one movie his professor had shown in class--but it makes Luhan’s body tingle all the way to his toes. He feels giddy. Like he can perform “Wolf” 100 times without breaking a sweat. Minseok likes him, his mind screams. Maybe even loves him. Minseok likes me, he wants to yell out loud.

When Minseok pulls back, his face is just a little flushed. Luhan gapes at him, and he watches in fascination as the tips of Minseok’s ears turn red. “You-did you just-” Luhan clears his throat.

Minseok nods and rubs his sideburns with his fingers. He coughs and peeks at Luhan from behind floppy, unstyled bangs.

“You love me,” Luhan says in wonder, reaching out to cup Minseok’s cheek. “You do.”

Their eyes meet, and when Minseok tilts his head just a little upward, Luhan is there to meet him halfway.



Everything changes, but everything stays the same. Luhan still reaches for Minseok’s hand after every performance and whispers comments into the shell of his ear. They still go out for coffee dates and come home with shopping bags full of clothes and shoes.

But then there’s Minseok slipping his hand into Luhan’s back pocket when they’re getting a snack from the kitchen and Minseok nuzzling Luhan’s cheek when they’re having movie night in the living room with the rest of the members.

Luhan can feel Yixing’s knowing smile practically radiating beside him, but he chooses to watch a sleeping Minseok drool on his shoulder out of the corner of his eye. He’s got a long way to go before he understands what being human means, Luhan thinks, but at least now he knows what “love” really is: It’s as simple as this.

fandom: exo, pairing: xiumin/luhan

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