Deep In Nothing But Love
Title: Deep In Nothing But Love
Rating: PG-13
Part: 1 of 1 [part of the 'Dream on, Dreamer' 'verse
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Word Count: 1757
Spoilers: None
Summary: Kurt can’t stop thinking about before. It’s like his life has become split in two: before New York and after New York, like the Big Apple is some kind of concrete Messiah and whilst he is quite literally living the dream right now, he is really really missing home.
Kurt can’t stop thinking about before. It’s like his life has become split in two: before New York and after New York, like the Big Apple is some kind of concrete Messiah and whilst he is quite literally living the dream right now, he is really really missing home.
Missing Blaine.
Sometimes, a lot of the time if he’s honest, he finds himself wishing he’d looked more into colleges that weren’t so far away, because whilst New York is everything he ever imagined and then a bit extra for good measure and whilst he really is having the time of his life, there is a constant Blaine shaped hole by his side and it’s slowly wearing him down.
He misses Blaine in ways that he doesn’t quite know how to articulate and all of the things that should make New York so fabulous just seem to be making him more and more homesick and increasingly he is finding himself immersing himself in memories, sitting cross legged on Rachel’s bed in Blaine’s old Dalton hoody and bombarding her with ‘remember that time when….’
For the most part Rachel plays along with him, nodding and smiling and ‘oh yes-ing’ and occasionally throwing in her own snippets but she always gets bored eventually when the conversation is all Blaine and no her and gestures towards the door, pushing on Kurt’s thighs with the tips of her fingers, sending him packing back to his own room where he lies on his bed, stares at the ceiling, listens to Rachel practise perfect scales through the wall and continues to remember.
***
Kurt remembers the summer before his senior year; it seems like forever ago now.
The summer when the only thing Kurt had to worry about, really, was how to convince Blaine to join him at McKinley because The New Directions needed Blaine, Kurt needed Blaine and as hot as he always thought Blaine was in his Dalton uniform, it would be infinitely better to just have Blaine there every day. Even Blaine’s initial reluctance [‘Kurt. My parents….’] hadn’t really been enough of a worry to stop Kurt from being aware of how much better things were now, than he’d ever dared hope they could be; he had one more year at school, he had a boyfriend and whether that boyfriend sat by his side in the cafeteria every day eventually didn’t really matter when the sun was shining and Blaine was stealing kisses at every opportunity and the summer stretched before him, day after day of freedom.
So they had been young and carefree, Blaine more carefree than Kurt because Blaine always was more carefree than Kurt; always so ready with a smile and a laugh and a ‘we only live once,’ pulling Kurt to him and holding him close, grabbing his hand, deck shoes and no socks and and that smile.
It had been a hot summer, blazing hot, the newsreels calling it the hottest summer recorded.
It had been hot and Kurt had been bored.
Blaine could have lain forever in the sun but Kurt had sensitive skin and he burnt and there was so much more he wanted to do, anyway, than just sit risking grass stains and sunburn and sweat.
What an idiot.
He’d give anything right now just to sit with Blaine.
They’d gone for a drive one day, Kurt in a fabulous hat and designer sunglasses that he couldn’t afford but couldn’t resist, covered in factor seventeen million and grumbling incessantly about how he was sure he was going to get skin cancer anyway. Blaine teasing him about being a vampire and with his hand on Kurt’s leg singing loudly along with the radio and bouncing up and down in the driver’s seat until laughing, Kurt yelled at him to be still before they crashed and died before they even had chance to amount to anything.
Kurt, always the sensible one.
Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t. He secretly wants to be more like Blaine. Or maybe he just wants him.
***
Kurt remembers the winter, when school was closed for the holidays.
It was freezing, as cold as the summer had been hot. Kurt has always felt more comfortable in the cold. He can hear Blaine’s voice in the back of his mind ‘because of the layers’ and it makes him smile even as it tightens his chest.
Burt and Carol were away for the night, and Blaine had turned up on Kurt’s doorstep, standing in the snow with an overnight bag and a knitted sweater that absolutely shouldn’t have been as hot as it was and a pink nose. Kurt had pulled him over the threshold and into the hall and kissed him, hard before he even closed the door, just because he could.
They’d cuddled up on the sofa with hot chocolate and popcorn and a pile of DVDs, Kurt had let Blaine lick the butter off his fingers which had, weirdly, really turned him on and he hadn’t been able to swallow down the moan or hide the erection that pressed against Blaine’s hip making him moan in return. They’d tugged desperately at clothes, pulling sweaters over heads and fumbling with belt buckles before pulling apart, gasping and grinning at each other, and grabbing their clothes - ever aware of Finn and his tendency to show up unannounced - had chased each other to Kurt’s bedroom, falling onto the bed almost frenzied in their need to touch and to be touched.
Blaine snuck out in the middle of the night, thinking that Kurt wouldn’t notice but of course Kurt did, he noticed the second Blaine’s arm moved from where it had been lain across his chest; the second there was a space under the covers where Blaine had been sleeping, Kurt noticed.
At first he assumed Blaine had just gone to the bathroom, or to the kitchen but five minutes passed and then ten and he hadn’t come back and Kurt couldn’t hear him moving about, the creak of the floorboards or the opening of doors. He got up, didn’t even bother to get dressed, just pushed his feet into a pair of shoes and grabbed his robe and followed him.
Blaine was sitting in the garden, watching the snow. He looked so beautiful just sat there on the wall in the moonlight that it almost broke Kurt’s heart because sometimes that’s just how it happened. Sometimes Kurt loved Blaine so much that it physically hurt.
Kurt said his name softly and Blaine looked at him in surprise and then smiled, shifted along so that Kurt could sit by him, the space he vacated free from snow but still cold. He slid an arm around Kurt’s shoulders and pulled him close, rubbing his hand up and down his arm to warm him and they sat side by side not talking, watching their breath ghost in the air before them.
They didn’t speak.
Kurt stopped feeling the cold after a while, aware of nothing but the feel of Blaine’s arm around him and then eventually Blaine turned to look at him, snowflakes caught in the curls Kurt only ever saw at that time of night, and grinned, his eyes dancing with mischief.
‘Kurt Hummel, are you naked under that robe?’
***
Kurt remembers a New York night, the first time Blaine came to visit. It had been Blaine’s idea; they still had their fake ID’s and he thought it would be fun. Kurt hadn’t been sure, because those ID’s were awful; they might have worked in Ohio but they were never going to work in New York and besides Blaine and alcohol, they didn’t have the best of track records but Blaine had pleaded and then he’d pulled the ‘I can’t believe you left me behind and you won’t…’ card and Kurt had really wished there was a statute of limitations on how many times Blaine could get away with that but had dressed up anyway, in his tightest jeans, the ones that made Blaine’s eyes go all dark and his hand keep finding a resting place on Kurt’s ass.
Blaine had looked him up and down ‘Kurt, you’re a total babe’ and Kurt had rolled his eyes and told him that if he ever called him something so terribly unoriginal again then they would be over and Blaine would have to go back to Ohio and pick up one of those beasts from Scandals and cry into his pillow every night because Kurt had been the best thing to ever happen to him and he’d totally blown it with his lack of wit and Blaine had laughed and laughed and laughed.
They went to a bar and it turned out they hadn’t even needed to worry about ID and they ordered beers and got tipsy. Kurt had ordered a cocktail with a cherry and a fancy glass and Blaine had taken a photo on his cell. They laughed and kissed and drank and right then in that moment the only things that existed in the whole world were him and Blaine and Kurt thought it might be the best idea Blaine had ever had.
That night for the first time, New York made sense.
They found an old worn sofa at the back of the bar and they cuddled up. Blaine decided they should play that stupid game the girls loved so much at school and he had laughed in delight at the look on Kurt’s face when he knocked back a shot and said ‘so Kurt, Mr Schue Puck Finn. Cliff fuck marry?’
Blaine rested his head on Kurt’s shoulder.
Kurt rested his head on Blaine’s head.
He told Blaine he never wanted him to leave and Blaine looked right into his eyes and kissed him long and hard and ordered another round of drinks.
***
Kurt had never expected, when him and Rachel had embarked on their big journey, when he’d sat and planned it all with Blaine that he would be lonely. Lonely was a word other people used, he knew he’d miss Blaine but it was only a year, less than that if you knocked off holidays and Kurt had thought it would be enough; the odd weekend here and there, text messages and phone calls and Skype. It isn’t. It’s nowhere near enough and it’s dawning on him pretty fast that he will never fall in love with New York when his heart is still in Ohio and he wishes so badly that he had made more of before.