(no subject)
love is the backbone of life, and to this day i believed that whole heartedly. i think in many ways, it is still the easiest thing to believe...that love can conquer all, and with that--i am capable of anything. but, in recent months i have been faced with hardship and loss. it takes losing something you admire to shoot down your beliefs and start all over. i know that i have been mistaken, i know that i have taken advantage of my days. i know that i should have been more of someone than i was. i know i was selfish...in thinking that she would still be here after i fought my own obstacles. but who am i to put a time on anything? who am i to put someone in the last days of life....before myself. maybe if i showed her that i cared....because god knows i did, god knows i do....maybe if i just caught myself before it was too late.
cancer and death and trying times...friends so young and, it just shouldnt really be this way. my only escape is this. my only kind of understanding is knowing that there is reason and truth behind something so...so...wrong.
i wish upon stars, thinking that this is still march. that we could stand back and admire what we have, not had. this is the beginning of time...not the end. because in march, it was a 98! and i cant believe how quickly things fail. i just cant believe that. and no matter how many times i try to, no matter how many differetn ways there are to say it, i will never understand...how love is no longer the backbone when we would most like it to be, most need it to be.
yesterday, i had so many tears for this emptiness inside of me, because a life has been cut short. i heard the words of so many who loved so much. the years that we all shared...in her presence. and the connections that were felt by me--and everyone in that room who has a heart... felt...because death is bringing us together, which is so terribly wrong.
the impossibilities of this pain has made it hard for me to believe and to understand. this is a violent time, and i wish that i could just come to terms with it. i think that maybe a piece of me could be left...to wonder and to wish what could have been. this young woman, so full of life until her last moments...and what a loss it was. she should still be here spreading love and comfort and laughs across the world...one person at a time. she dreamed of being a schoolteacher.
i can remember the first time i met her. it was at parks and rec. she and sister were ganging up on us...and i was amazed at the differences between the sisters, yet so much love. they were best of friends. always. i can remember first joining rainbow, at the age of eleven, she, one term ahead....but so many, many wise times more. and she always took it so much to heart. the lessons, she loved. the words, she knew them so well.
she loved to pinch my elbow, and give me straight up answers to my questions about life.
she loved to tell it how it was....but there was a caring air about it. and she loved to hug so close...until i barely could breathe. she was...no she IS...because i know she is still with me, an amazing soul. she has not left, only in body. her soul is still here....pinching my elbow.
and last night, i know she was in her pink formal with jammy pants and birkenstocks. along with the rest of us. that image will be with me until i am doing the same.
cancer and death and trying times...friends so young and, it just shouldnt really be this way. my only escape is this. my only kind of understanding is knowing that there is reason and truth behind something so...so...wrong.
i wish upon stars, thinking that this is still march. that we could stand back and admire what we have, not had. this is the beginning of time...not the end. because in march, it was a 98! and i cant believe how quickly things fail. i just cant believe that. and no matter how many times i try to, no matter how many differetn ways there are to say it, i will never understand...how love is no longer the backbone when we would most like it to be, most need it to be.
yesterday, i had so many tears for this emptiness inside of me, because a life has been cut short. i heard the words of so many who loved so much. the years that we all shared...in her presence. and the connections that were felt by me--and everyone in that room who has a heart... felt...because death is bringing us together, which is so terribly wrong.
the impossibilities of this pain has made it hard for me to believe and to understand. this is a violent time, and i wish that i could just come to terms with it. i think that maybe a piece of me could be left...to wonder and to wish what could have been. this young woman, so full of life until her last moments...and what a loss it was. she should still be here spreading love and comfort and laughs across the world...one person at a time. she dreamed of being a schoolteacher.
i can remember the first time i met her. it was at parks and rec. she and sister were ganging up on us...and i was amazed at the differences between the sisters, yet so much love. they were best of friends. always. i can remember first joining rainbow, at the age of eleven, she, one term ahead....but so many, many wise times more. and she always took it so much to heart. the lessons, she loved. the words, she knew them so well.
she loved to pinch my elbow, and give me straight up answers to my questions about life.
she loved to tell it how it was....but there was a caring air about it. and she loved to hug so close...until i barely could breathe. she was...no she IS...because i know she is still with me, an amazing soul. she has not left, only in body. her soul is still here....pinching my elbow.
and last night, i know she was in her pink formal with jammy pants and birkenstocks. along with the rest of us. that image will be with me until i am doing the same.