The Tales of Eutychus.
Sing me,muse, of a man and of strife. Who, cast from the shores of his noble ancestors to suffer the many unfortunate fates flung upon him by the relentless tides of destiny, was made to wander the earth for sixteen years. But whose wrath could cause such misfortunes, whose will offended would force such trials on a man so distinguished in his skill and unwavering in his nobility? T'was fierce Lindsay Lohan, much insulted by multiple arrests. Noble prince Eutychus turned her in on many occasions; and so, her fame now scorned by all, she turns her baleful gaze on the hero whose righteous anger caused her such shame and swears on the sky and the moon and the stars to aid her in her bloody work.
So it is that the Lohan-born seeks Aemilius, the king of the winds, who, sitting in his lofty halls on the mountain of Katahdin, keeps the winds- the vicious Boreas and raving Notus and swirling Eurus, and rushing Zephyrus- chained like wild beasts in the caverns and hollows of the vast belly of the mountain, which is heaped over them in a mass.
Unforgetting Lohan addressed Aemilius"COME AEMILIUS, HEED MY WORDS. SEND YOUR WINDS TO TOSS FOUL EUTYCHUS TO THE FAR REACHES OF THE KNOWN WORLD!"
Aemilius, no fool, who was hand selected to keep the winds, knows it would be a grave trespass to release the winds without the approval of his father, asks
"Oh queen, you would have me do that which I have been forbidden to think of. To give free rein to the winds would cause great destruction. But I am as always your humble servant, oh mistress of my master."
Vicious Lohan replies "Oh King of the winds, in return for your loyalty, I will give you the most attractive of my man-whores."
Those short speeches having been spoken, Aemilius heaves his staff from its resting place and strikes the mountain. The chains binding the winds break as a twig beneath a raging beast's hooves and they are set free upon the earth, whirling and consuming in a vortex. Notus and Eurus whirl across the land, rending trees from their earthy anchorage, whipping entire rivers from their beds and tossing them high into the air, causing them to fall down like a torrential downpour on the carefully cultivated fields of the farmers. Zephyrus and Boreas shear the leaves from the trees and the grass from the fields like a reaper's scythe at harvest, leaving not one ear standing high. It is this tumult that finds Eutychus, safely sleeping in his peaceful home, and tears him from his lands and his holdings. He whips and whirls in the air. He sees the fields fly past, now the mountains, now the seas, now foreign lands never before touched by a civil foot. Spinning and tossing violently, he wishes badly to have died a hero's death, serving his grand country with his valor, under his father's eyes, where so many other courageous souls perished. Having shouted his will to the stars, the winds cease, and he plummets to the ground.
Alone and lost on a foreign shore, Eutychus scouts his surroundings. Across a vast plain he spots a bridge, and seven deer grazing in a field, led by a massive buck with many-forked antlers. He despairs of the bow and arrows he does not posess, for a great hunger has overcome him. And so, he decides to press on, aware that there are greater forces at work than those of mere mortal status. He walks through the field and to the wooden bridge. Its massive braces and supports reach up several stories to the ether, almost close enough to the clouds that if they so wished, the astral bodies could be touched by a man standing at the very apex of the gargantuan structure. Eutychus takes a first step onto the bridge, and then he hears a crack like a whip carried aloft by a vaquero when he drives his cattle from the plains to the water, and he is faced by an enormous, hideous troll. Its face is wrinkled in an offset grin- the small eyes with great folds, not unlike those on the oldest of the elders in the village. The terrifying titan rears to its full height and thunders- its voice rumbling like a volcano before the ash and searing rock tumble down its sides.
"Problem, Greek?"
So it is that the Lohan-born seeks Aemilius, the king of the winds, who, sitting in his lofty halls on the mountain of Katahdin, keeps the winds- the vicious Boreas and raving Notus and swirling Eurus, and rushing Zephyrus- chained like wild beasts in the caverns and hollows of the vast belly of the mountain, which is heaped over them in a mass.
Unforgetting Lohan addressed Aemilius"COME AEMILIUS, HEED MY WORDS. SEND YOUR WINDS TO TOSS FOUL EUTYCHUS TO THE FAR REACHES OF THE KNOWN WORLD!"
Aemilius, no fool, who was hand selected to keep the winds, knows it would be a grave trespass to release the winds without the approval of his father, asks
"Oh queen, you would have me do that which I have been forbidden to think of. To give free rein to the winds would cause great destruction. But I am as always your humble servant, oh mistress of my master."
Vicious Lohan replies "Oh King of the winds, in return for your loyalty, I will give you the most attractive of my man-whores."
Those short speeches having been spoken, Aemilius heaves his staff from its resting place and strikes the mountain. The chains binding the winds break as a twig beneath a raging beast's hooves and they are set free upon the earth, whirling and consuming in a vortex. Notus and Eurus whirl across the land, rending trees from their earthy anchorage, whipping entire rivers from their beds and tossing them high into the air, causing them to fall down like a torrential downpour on the carefully cultivated fields of the farmers. Zephyrus and Boreas shear the leaves from the trees and the grass from the fields like a reaper's scythe at harvest, leaving not one ear standing high. It is this tumult that finds Eutychus, safely sleeping in his peaceful home, and tears him from his lands and his holdings. He whips and whirls in the air. He sees the fields fly past, now the mountains, now the seas, now foreign lands never before touched by a civil foot. Spinning and tossing violently, he wishes badly to have died a hero's death, serving his grand country with his valor, under his father's eyes, where so many other courageous souls perished. Having shouted his will to the stars, the winds cease, and he plummets to the ground.
Alone and lost on a foreign shore, Eutychus scouts his surroundings. Across a vast plain he spots a bridge, and seven deer grazing in a field, led by a massive buck with many-forked antlers. He despairs of the bow and arrows he does not posess, for a great hunger has overcome him. And so, he decides to press on, aware that there are greater forces at work than those of mere mortal status. He walks through the field and to the wooden bridge. Its massive braces and supports reach up several stories to the ether, almost close enough to the clouds that if they so wished, the astral bodies could be touched by a man standing at the very apex of the gargantuan structure. Eutychus takes a first step onto the bridge, and then he hears a crack like a whip carried aloft by a vaquero when he drives his cattle from the plains to the water, and he is faced by an enormous, hideous troll. Its face is wrinkled in an offset grin- the small eyes with great folds, not unlike those on the oldest of the elders in the village. The terrifying titan rears to its full height and thunders- its voice rumbling like a volcano before the ash and searing rock tumble down its sides.
"Problem, Greek?"