There were only two things I saw that jumped out at me. This sentence: With one leg sticking out of an alley, there lay the body of a young boy.
I think it'd probably flow better if you reversed it. The body of a young boy lay with one leg sticking out of an alley, or something. That's just my own personal opinion, though, so feel free to take it or leave it. The other thing was in the first mention of the old man's name, you spelled it "Hasegawa" and in the second, "Hasagawa."
Aside from those two very minor things, I really liked this. The clerk and Hasegawa both seemed like real people instead of fill-in-the-blank plot devices, even given their short appearances. I don't know Takagi very well from Detective Conan, but his characterization here is consistent with the rest of this series. And the ending was good, feels like you're building to something important soon. All told, another really good installment in my opinion.
Thanks. I fixed that. I hate the feeling knowing something is off and not knowing what it is. And thanks for catching that spelling error with the guy's name.
Yes, I am building to something. I like the next day a lot more.
What seems to be my biggest grammer error? If it is the way people speak, I tend not to worry. Most people don't speak with perfect grammer.
I know some are short but I don't want to keep writing if I run out of an idea. Then I just get wordy. Length mostly depends on how long it takes for me to get what I'm saying across. I think a few future chapters might be just a few hundred words long (but they will be that length for a reason) and others might end up being quite long.
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I think it'd probably flow better if you reversed it. The body of a young boy lay with one leg sticking out of an alley, or something. That's just my own personal opinion, though, so feel free to take it or leave it. The other thing was in the first mention of the old man's name, you spelled it "Hasegawa" and in the second, "Hasagawa."
Aside from those two very minor things, I really liked this. The clerk and Hasegawa both seemed like real people instead of fill-in-the-blank plot devices, even given their short appearances. I don't know Takagi very well from Detective Conan, but his characterization here is consistent with the rest of this series. And the ending was good, feels like you're building to something important soon. All told, another really good installment in my opinion.
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Yes, I am building to something. I like the next day a lot more.
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Oh, goody. *settles in to wait*
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Good story, if in need of some proofreading for grammar, and some of the chapters are a bit on the short side. Still, it's a good read. :)
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I know some are short but I don't want to keep writing if I run out of an idea. Then I just get wordy. Length mostly depends on how long it takes for me to get what I'm saying across. I think a few future chapters might be just a few hundred words long (but they will be that length for a reason) and others might end up being quite long.
I'm thrilled you think its a good read.
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