The Thanatonauts, part 1.
Okay, so after weeks of interruptions and constant nitpicking, I'm finally through with that goddamn chapter-translation.
This was first translated for my darling untitledno8, and then I decided that since Bernard Werber's books had never been published in English (apart from the Ants trilogy, ages ago), I might as well use that opportunity to ask him why exactly his publishing house had given up on abroad sales.
All that to say that any and all constructive criticism is most welcome. I haven't sent it to him yet, and would like to check, first, that I haven't made any grammar error or left any weird-sounding segment.
As it turns out, this is taken from one of my favourite books. A very brief summary of said book, The Thanatonauts, would be thus: a team of scientists decides to explore death, since it is about the only thing left to explore. They devise complicated machinery to allow them to die for short periods of time, and draft the map of the afterlife, little by little. Which will in turn change life on earth as people learn more and more about what is waiting for them on the other side.
This is one of the later chapters, the transcription of a heavenly judgement (the book, however, isn't centered on any one faith, instead quoting from just about every religious book ever written, and showing just how many similarities can be found from one faith to the other) bestowed on a freshly deceased soul. All souls go through life again and again until they have become wise enough to stop.
It's full of humour, and personally gives me as much hope for the "future" as Terry Pratchett's Death.
But be warned, it might also trigger some uncomfortable feelings, depending on your background. Ectoplasm Donahue is judged on his past actions and then asked to choose his next life, which, because he's been a shmuck in his previous life, will not be rosy. Almost all the future parents he is presented with are abusive in some way. And he's also asked to choose his next death.
But well, despite the dark undertones, I find this to be an inspiring, fun, spirit-lifting read. Especially these days, when my life could be better, I cling to it and amuse myself to hope that maybe, just maybe, I've chosen this life, and all the crappy moments in it are just the prelude to better years. :)
~"~"~"~"~
Book: The Thanatonauts
Author: Bernard Werber
Chapter: Interview with a mortal
Translator: many_miles_away, in an utterly unofficial capacity.
Warnings: mentions of death (obviously), religion, abusive parents, suicide...
234 - INTERVIEW WITH A MORTAL
Text from Interview with a mortal, such as transcribed and illustrated by journalist Maxime Villain.
The stage: the ultimate border of Paradise, where the mountain of light springs forth, home to the judgment of the great archangels, referees of our destiny. The cast: the three archangels and Charles Donahue, freshly deceased fellow. Charles Donahue’s guardian angel is unavailable, but this will have no incidence on the meaning and value of the judgment.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Welcome, Mr Donahue.
SOUL: Where am I?
The deceased looks around him, massaging the region of his ectoplasm where his recently amputated left arm used to be. He looks up and stares at the hill of Ultimate Judgment and at the three judge-archangels currently manipulating transparent threads full of knots.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: You are in the Soul Orientation Center, and we shall start the weighing of your passed existence.
SOUL: Weighing?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: A judgment. Your life shall be examined so we may judge your behavior and decide whether your cycle of reincarnation on Earth can come to an end.
SOUL: I’ve been very good.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (examining documents): If you say so.
SOUL: Back in the queue, I heard people say we were allowed one guardian angel to defend our case. Where is he?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: You are indeed entitled to the presence of your guardian angel, but also to the presence of your inner demon. As it turns out, they are both at work on Earth right now. You may or may not know that your guardian angel is assigned to your case on the day you are born. However, a person born on the same day has necessitated the express assistance of their angel and demon. An unsavory case of wrongful termination. These are exceptional circumstances, but let us not dwell on it. Do not worry: you shall be judged with as much equity. The spirits of your guardian angel and your demon are hovering over this mountain, and we'll be able to hear what they have to say.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Your case shall be examined with the greatest objectivity. You are here in the ultimate place of justice. We already know everything about you. We know every intention which preceded every act.
SOUL (vehemently): I have nothing to be ashamed about. I have been very good. I got married. I had three children. I left a nice inheritance to my family. They're having a pleasant surprise right now, if you want my opinion.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL (while Gabriel holds up one of the threads): This is not “behaving well”. You see these knots? Each knot represents an action in your life.
From each knot, memory-bubbles rise by the thousands, quite similar to the ones welcoming the deceased after the first comatose wall.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: You were speaking about your wife. I see here that you often made her cry. You were cheating on her, weren’t you? With an idiot, what’s more.
SOUL (fatalist): Nowadays, morals are less strict…
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (cold): Simple adultery. 60 points penalty. (he studies other memory-bubbles) You mentioned your children. But have you really taken care of them? I can see you always left on holidays when they were born, and then brought up business trips to escape the nighttime cries, so that your wife was always left alone when she needed you the most.
SOUL: I was always up to my neck in work, all for the welfare of my family. And whenever I came back, I would cover my kids with gifts.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHEL: You really think toys can make up for a father’s absence? Sorry. 100 points penalty.
SOUL: What is it with those points and penalties?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: To end your cycle of reincarnation and become a wise spirit, you must have acquired 600 bonus points during your last stay on Earth. So far, you have a -160 penalty. Let us continue. (He unrolls the thread, and stops on a series of strikingly white knots) You put your aging parents into a third class nursing home and barely paid them a visit once a year.
SOUL: They were senile. And I was really swamped with work…
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: When they brought you up, you too were “senile”, as you say. Incontinent, what’s more. And whiny, messy, dirty, drooly, unable to stand on your own two legs. Your parents still had the patience of enduring your tantrums.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: And let’s talk about your work! Or rather, your secretary!
SOUL (surprised): Oh. So you know about that, too.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Here, we know everything, we see everything, we count everything. Your parents were desperate to see you again. They really missed you. What’s more, in homes, the more visits a patient receives, the better they are treated. When the nurses see that a patient has been abandoned, they assume that no one cares about them anymore. And they stop caring, too.
SOUL: I sent them quite a lot of gifts.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Always the same old tune. They did not ask for gifts, either. They wanted your presence. Just like your wife, and just like your kids.
SOUL: Don’t you think you’re laying it on thick? They were not so unhappy in that home. Every time I went to see them, they told me everything was fine…
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Because they loved you and didn’t want you to feel guilty. Another 100 points penalty! I’m not impressed. We’re already down to -260.
SOUL: Wait a minute, this is a bit too much. You’re both judge and jury. It looks to me as if your opinion is already made. I have done good in this life, too.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: What do you have in mind?
SOUL: I set up a bottle-factory! I created jobs for unemployed people, put food on their table; I manufactured objects which made people’s lives easier. Ah…
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Your bottle-factory! It polluted the entire region.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: And the work-conditions! You crafted a never-ending conflict between the management and the workers. You pushed them against one another so you could control them all.
SOUL: Divide and conquer is a basic rule of modern management. You cannot penalize me for following commercial studies!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: For the factory, 60 points penalty. You’re already 320 points under the tolerable threshold. Now to add the “tidbits”.
SOUL: Tidbits? What is that?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: During the course of your existence, you: told 8,254 lies damageable to the people around you; showed cowardice on 567 minor occasions and 789 serious ones; ran over 45 small animals with your car. And that's not all: you voted in elections without thought or reason, you gambled the household money, you had a noisy car, you…
SOUL (ectoplasm Donahue looks stricken): It sounds like you think I’m a total bastard!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: I never said that. (He looks again at the knotty thread, from which memory-bubbles are rising like so many Champagne bubbles) You regularly donated your blood to hospitals. Bonus: 20 points. You saved a fellow driver on the highway when his car was about to burst into flames. Bonus: 50 points. You donated your old clothes to charity instead of throwing them in the trash. Bonus: 10 points.
SOUL: And do not forget about the way I died.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (still looking at the thread): Yes, it does deserve to be looked at. You hit a plane tree so as to avoid a biker as two trucks trying to pass one another cut your way. The truck drivers are actually right behind you, waiting to-
Donahue turns around and sees two impatient souls waiting behind him.
SOUL: Ah!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: I must admit that this time your reflexes were good. 10 bonus points, but you might have gotten more if on top of avoiding the biker, you had spared the tree.
SOUL (outraged): What!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: This was a young tree, ready to grow for many more years, casting its shadow on the road, and you broke it in half! Next time, try to avoid the trucks, the biker and the tree, and just end up in the ditch. Maybe then your car would have caught fire and you would have died burning. Burning to death is well looked upon in these parts.
SOUL: Because it is an atrocious way to die?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: The more painful the death, the closer one gets to martyrdom. Death by fire would have given you 100 bonus points!
SOUL: What did you mean by “next time”?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (very patiently): As we have told you when we started, you need 600 points to end your cycle of reincarnations. But your score for this lifetime is -230. Not good.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Especially considering you’re on your 193rd reincarnation in human shape. We have no choice but to send you back yet again. Try and get a better score next time.
SOUL (taken aback): Send me back?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: In another body, for another existence. A life you will have to choose.
SOUL (more and more aghast): Because we can choose our life?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Of course you can. In life, you always get what you deserve.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Don’t forget we’re here to help souls. We’re trying to help you better yourself. For your own good, so you can reach atonement, we will reincarnate you.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: We’re going to give you a chance to make amends for your past life’s errors. You may choose your starting assets and handicaps. Let us see what we have in stock for a -230 score.
The three archangels call upon two seraphs, who have been fluttering above their heads during the entire scene. The seraphs bring them threads filled with image-bubbles rich in information.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Here is the fresh list of future parents who are, at this very moment, making love.
SOUL: I can choose my own parents?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: How many times do we need to explain that you can choose your life? But choose wisely! So. Would you prefer strict or lenient parents?
SOUL (perplexed): What's the difference?
A seraph projects a telepathic image. A fat man and a fat woman are lying in bed naked, trying to find a position in which neither of them will smother their partner with their weight. They vainly try having him on top of her, then her on top of him, before spooning.
The telephone rings, but the woman signals to the man not to answer. His face is crimson and his body drenched with sweat. He's grunting. The woman grimaces, tearing at her hair.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Mr and Mrs Dehorgne, a nice couple. They're kind, caring, loving. The only downside is their profession: they own a restaurant and the customers are scarce. You will therefore have to eat what food is left at the end of the day. Their specialty: Castelnaudary cassoulet and chocolate profiteroles. Like them, you will rapidly become obese. Are you interested?
SOUL (looking at the couple and its uncomfortable passion with disgust): Of course not.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: All parents have their advantages and drawbacks. With your grade, you cannot be too choosy.
New telepathic images are shown.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: The Pollet family. The father owns a tobacco shop, smokes a lot, drinks too much. The mother is illiterate and as submissive as a dog. At night, Mr Pollet often comes home drunk and beats everyone up, including spouse and children. With him, you'll be under constant attack, I can tell you.
Pollet is clutching at his wife's buttocks, scratching her till blood breaks through. Far from complaining, she lets out a ravished moan.
SOUL: But they are into sadomasochism! I loathe S&M. Next, please!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (doubtful): With -230 points...
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: The de Surnachs. Preppy. Young, athletic, always at the height of fashion, they'd be more like pals than parents. They have many friends, often go out to dance, travel the world.
All gaze at two beautiful young persons, happily frolicking under the covers.
SOUL (with much interest): Finally, something better than monsters!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: It's not so simple. Sure, they will leave you free to do whatever you want because they will be focused on their own happiness; but on the other hand, their endless reserves of energy will make you look bland and fearful in comparison.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: First, you will be jealous. Then you will hate them. They are so mad about each other that they will barely pay attention to you. You will grow up a sullen, bitter child. They will still exude youth when they are sixty years old. On the other hand, you will look like an old man before you have even reached your teens. Since hating your own parents is not an easy thing to accept, you will rapidly blame the entire planet instead.
SOUL: Alright, I get the picture. Who else do you have?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: It is our duty to show you both the good and the bad, even if it means your decision is harder to make.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Let us consider the Gomelins. An elderly couple who thought they would never have a child. Thanks to the advances of in vitro fertilization, this woman, though she has already reached menopause, will be able to give birth. You will be a gift from Heaven to this family. They will spoil you rotten. You will cherish and adore them.
SOUL (suspicious): What's the catch this time? They will feed me sweets till I'm obese? They will beat me up when my grades are poor because they'll be so keen to see me succeed?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: No. They’re old, not violent.
SOUL: That seems perfect then.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: You think so? You will love them so much you'll be unable to break free from this cocoon. You will stay at home, locked up, unable to open up to others. You will admire your mother so much, no other woman will ever compare. And no man could possibly be as wise or understanding as your father.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: But they are old, and will die soon, leaving you orphaned at a young age. You will be like the newborn bird, fallen from the nest before it could learn to fly. And you will go through life haunted with their trespassing.
SOUL (stricken): Who else do you have?
A couple is feverishly embracing on the carpet of a fancy living-room.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: The Chiroubles. They may be in each other’s arms right now, but in a few days they will get a divorce.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Split parents. You will be entrusted to your mother. She already has a lover, who will hate you. They will lock you up in a closet so they can make love in peace. She will beat you up every time you cry, out of fear that her lover might leave her. Your father will sometimes pick you up on the week-ends, but he, too, will be more interested in his mistress than your care.
SOUL: Better and better.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Do not speak so. There are benefits to having such parents. They will induce such rage in you that you will want to get a revenge on life. You will hate every woman, for they'll remind you of your mother. This indifference will make you irresistible, and as you get older you'll become a real Don Juan. You will also hate every man because of your father, and consequently be driven by a thirst for power so you may dominate them all. From such unhappy childhoods grow the CEOs and country leaders of this world.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: To top it off, the mere mention of your childhood will grant you the sympathy of everyone, and absolve you of your sins in their eyes.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: And if you happen to write your autobiography, it will sell like hot cakes; producers will fight to get a hold of the movie rights. People love tales of unhappy childhoods.
Donahue hesitates. This couple having fun on the carpet looks charming enough. But he recovers.
SOUL: I have no desire to be either Oliver Twist or Cinderella. Next.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: I'm sorry, but that is all we can offer you with a score of -230 points. The fat restaurant-owners, the drunk tobacconists, the dynamic preppies, the old doting parents or the nasty divorcees. Choose, and choose quickly; we must still go through your health-handicaps.
SOUL: But you are asking me to choose the lesser of two evils!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: You should have thought of this sooner. If you had been kinder to your parents, your wife and your children, you would have gotten a better score, and we would have had better options to offer you. The deceased that came before you had a score of -20 points and we were able to find him a nice family of wine dealers. Lovely people, who will give him an excellent education and probably help him become wise enough not to go through life again.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: You could always be reborn in a Third World country. You won't have much to eat, but you will benefit from a loving environment.
SOUL: If I must suffer through a depressing life, I would rather do it in the same country.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Then, and don't let me influence you, I would recommend the nasty divorcees. The more you suffer in this life, the better your chances of racking up points for your next life. You must think long term. A lifetime is shorter than you think.
All around them, seraphs are projecting images of each couple.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: I also think this is a wise choice. It will allow you to progress. It will be hard at first, but adulthood will make up for it somewhat.
SOUL (turning to Gabriel): And what do you think?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: I would rather pick the Pollets, with the drunk and violent tobacconist. I'm convinced a really crappy childhood is always preferable. Things can only get better from there. One triumphant day, you will be stronger than your father and he will not dare strike you again. Even sweeter will be the day you slam the door shut and escape their tyranny.
SOUL: But you just berated me for neglecting my parents in my previous life!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Each life is different. There are no absolute rules. It is only natural to try and get away from evil parents. You may still forgive them later on, which would grant you some bonus points, too!
Charles Donahue takes his time, studying each couple with care.
SOUL (sighing): Alright, I will pick the divorcees.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: I still think this is a clever choice. In nine months you will therefore be reincarnated into the Chirouble family.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Let us now turn to your health problems. You may choose them as well. With -230 points, you must pick two in the following list: paralyzing rheumatism, stomach ulcer, constant toothache, chronic facial paralysis, recurring nervous breakdowns, short-sightedness bordering on blindness, deafness, cross-eye, constant bad breath, psoriasis, constipation, Alzheimer's disease, paralysis of the left leg, stutter, chronic bronchitis, asthma.
SOUL: Well...
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Hurry up, or I'll choose for you. There are people behind you!
SOUL: Alright. On a whim: ulcer and asthma.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Not bad. I see you're a connoisseur.
SOUL: Well, in my previous life I suffered from chronic bronchitis and constant toothaches. It was unbearable. I might as well try something else.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: One last small formality. Do you want to be reborn as a man or a woman?
SOUL: What difference does it make?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: As a man, you will have to fulfill your military obligations and your average lifespan will be of eighty years. As a woman, you will give birth in pain and your lifespan will average ninety years.
SOUL: Wait a second. If I'm a woman, I'll never get to be this great, charismatic, seductive leader you promised I'd be!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: There's a man for you. But you're mistaken. The future belongs to female tyrants. You just need to switch the roles. All men will grovel at your feet, and you will dominate everyone. What's more, attitudes are changing. More and more women end up at the wheel of companies or even countries.
SOUL: Still. Giving birth must hurt a lot, doesn't it?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Try the epidural. And you know, female orgasm is nine times stronger than male orgasm. The women alone know true pleasure.
SOUL: I guess you know more than me on the subject.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Why do you think so many girls are born? People make an informed choice.
SOUL: Let's go with female, then.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Let us now look at your global mission. You probably do not remember this, but your soul appeared about seven hundred billion years ago, and its task was to create a work which would completely overturn the art of painting. But what do I see on your file? Nothing but some vaguely promising scribbles on the margins of your schoolbooks. You have so far failed to use any of your lives to fulfill your mission.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL (disappointed): And this is why humanity is still behind in many fields... It only takes one soul failing to fulfill its earthly destiny for an entire artistic or scientific field to stagnate!
SOUL: I was working so hard down there, I never had a minute to myself.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL (appalled): Are you kidding? It's all written here. In your past lives,
you have been a mammoth hunter, a cart driver, chamberlain in a castle, an explorer in Africa, a pearl fisherman and a movie star, and you have never been able to take one tiny week off to at least paint one painting?
SOUL: I'm afraid I never thought of it.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: You will have to. The whole of humanity is waiting for you to make your mark. Because of your laziness, the painting world is still longing for a second breath. Hundreds of artists and graphic designers are waiting for you so they can better express themselves, and enrich your message. Some are dying without ever painting anything.
SOUL: I'm really sorry. I will try my best this time. Still, a painter; I'll be piss-poor. People often have to wait until they're 50 or so before their talent is finally acknowledged.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (mocking): So? We're in a hurry, we have a train to catch? You will have ninety years to think on it and buy some brushes, isn't that enough?
SOUL: Being a woman will only make it harder for me to get recognition...
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Hardships will only increase your merit. If your work is as overwhelming as we expect, if you craft your Joconde, I hereby pledge to grant you 700 bonus points at your next trial. This would make up for a penalty of -100 points! Enough to lead a life of debauchery in-between masterpieces.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: If you're in a hurry, we could deal you the Mozart card.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: The Mozart card, good idea!
SOUL (with interest): What is the Mozart card?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: You quickly craft your masterpiece, you achieve medium fame, you make just enough money to survive and paint in large quantities and then wham!, you die young. Aged 35, like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. We may go to 39, if you'd prefer.
SOUL (with interest): Tempting. I gladly accept your offer. Thank you.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Wait. We're not done yet. You still have to choose your death.
SOUL: My death! But I am dead!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: I'm talking about your next death. We must plan everything in advance.
SOUL: Are you telling me that last time I actually picked the tree?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Indeed you did! What do you want this time? Another car accident, a cocaine overdose, being murdered by one of your fans or a spurned lover? You name it, we have it: the police blunder, the flowerpot falling from a balcony, drowning, suicide. The more painful the death, the bigger the bonus. Thanks to their 500 points bonus, many Cathars burnt at the stake have been able to end their reincarnation cycles. Burning people at the stake was all the rage back then. But we now have more modern ways to die: 300 bonus points if you die on the electric chair while innocent, or from a systemic cancer.
SOUL: I don't care about the bonuses. I wish to die quickly, in my bed, unknowingly. To go to sleep alive and wake up dead.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: I'm sorry, ectoplasm Donahue, but with your score of -230 points, such a nice death is out of the question. Your passing can only be violent. Moreover, it will increase your postmortem fame.
Think about Van Gogh! There's a man who knew how to paint, suffer and painfully die. He got his 600 points and was able to end his reincarnation cycle. He became a pure spirit. Use him as inspiration.
SOUL (complaining): But I do not want to suffer!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Look, we're not put on Earth to have fun. What's more, with the parents you chose, your childhood won't be rosy anyway!
SOUL: What a bore! Alright, I'll take the suicide. But a quick, clean suicide, and painless too.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Throw yourself out a window.
SOUL: Can't. I've always had vertigo.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Slit your wrists in a lukewarm bath. But beware, if you don't want to fail, cut deep. You might survive otherwise. Remember to sharpen your blade.
Donahue's mouth curls down in disgust.
SOUL: Alright. I'll take the wrist-slitting suicide.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (smoothing out the knots on the thread): Let me sum it up, make sure we agree. You will be born a woman, with a stomach ulcer and asthma attacks. Your divorced parents will beat you up till you're blue. You will hurry up and paint this damn painting. You will die, wrists slit, in your bathtub. You can improvise with the rest of your life. Next?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Not so fast. We still have to draft his ID card.
SOUL: What's that now?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Don't worry. We just have to draft up some of your qualities. But you cannot choose those, we will do the math.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Here is the list:
Physical strength: below average.
Beauty: above average.
Stare: above average.
Voice: average.
Charisma: largely above average.
Skill at playing mind games: below average.
Technical abilities: below average.
SOUL: What does this all mean?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: That Miss will have a hard time getting her driver's license and won't be able to fix her washing machine. That's all.
SOUL: Whatever. As long as I'm beautiful and intelligent, I'll find someone to do that for me.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Let me go on:
Intelligence: average.
Seduction: above average.
Endurance: below average.
Stubbornness: above average.
Culinary talents: below average.
General irritability: above average.
SOUL: I'll be bad tempered?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Quite.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL (annoyed at all the interruptions):
Musical talent: below average.
Skill with a gun: above average.
Liking for sports: below average.
Wish to reproduce: average.
SOUL: You call this free will? What will you tell me next? If I'm good at crossword puzzles? You say we can choose our next life, but too many elements are predetermined and out of my control. I protest.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: See? You're already bad-tempered. Let us finish this:
Skill for fighting: above average.
Whining: above average.
Taste for adventure: below average.
There you go. Next!
SOUL: One more question. Will I remember any of this?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Of course not. You won't remember a thing, not even once you're dead. It would be too easy!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: From time to time, however, you will have inklings, intuitions. This is all that will be left from this conversation. It will be up to you to trust your intuition. But enough chit-chat. Hurry down or your parents will have finished making love before you've arrived. Shoo!
Next!
This was first translated for my darling untitledno8, and then I decided that since Bernard Werber's books had never been published in English (apart from the Ants trilogy, ages ago), I might as well use that opportunity to ask him why exactly his publishing house had given up on abroad sales.
All that to say that any and all constructive criticism is most welcome. I haven't sent it to him yet, and would like to check, first, that I haven't made any grammar error or left any weird-sounding segment.
As it turns out, this is taken from one of my favourite books. A very brief summary of said book, The Thanatonauts, would be thus: a team of scientists decides to explore death, since it is about the only thing left to explore. They devise complicated machinery to allow them to die for short periods of time, and draft the map of the afterlife, little by little. Which will in turn change life on earth as people learn more and more about what is waiting for them on the other side.
This is one of the later chapters, the transcription of a heavenly judgement (the book, however, isn't centered on any one faith, instead quoting from just about every religious book ever written, and showing just how many similarities can be found from one faith to the other) bestowed on a freshly deceased soul. All souls go through life again and again until they have become wise enough to stop.
It's full of humour, and personally gives me as much hope for the "future" as Terry Pratchett's Death.
But be warned, it might also trigger some uncomfortable feelings, depending on your background. Ectoplasm Donahue is judged on his past actions and then asked to choose his next life, which, because he's been a shmuck in his previous life, will not be rosy. Almost all the future parents he is presented with are abusive in some way. And he's also asked to choose his next death.
But well, despite the dark undertones, I find this to be an inspiring, fun, spirit-lifting read. Especially these days, when my life could be better, I cling to it and amuse myself to hope that maybe, just maybe, I've chosen this life, and all the crappy moments in it are just the prelude to better years. :)
~"~"~"~"~
Book: The Thanatonauts
Author: Bernard Werber
Chapter: Interview with a mortal
Translator: many_miles_away, in an utterly unofficial capacity.
Warnings: mentions of death (obviously), religion, abusive parents, suicide...
234 - INTERVIEW WITH A MORTAL
Text from Interview with a mortal, such as transcribed and illustrated by journalist Maxime Villain.
The stage: the ultimate border of Paradise, where the mountain of light springs forth, home to the judgment of the great archangels, referees of our destiny. The cast: the three archangels and Charles Donahue, freshly deceased fellow. Charles Donahue’s guardian angel is unavailable, but this will have no incidence on the meaning and value of the judgment.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Welcome, Mr Donahue.
SOUL: Where am I?
The deceased looks around him, massaging the region of his ectoplasm where his recently amputated left arm used to be. He looks up and stares at the hill of Ultimate Judgment and at the three judge-archangels currently manipulating transparent threads full of knots.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: You are in the Soul Orientation Center, and we shall start the weighing of your passed existence.
SOUL: Weighing?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: A judgment. Your life shall be examined so we may judge your behavior and decide whether your cycle of reincarnation on Earth can come to an end.
SOUL: I’ve been very good.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (examining documents): If you say so.
SOUL: Back in the queue, I heard people say we were allowed one guardian angel to defend our case. Where is he?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: You are indeed entitled to the presence of your guardian angel, but also to the presence of your inner demon. As it turns out, they are both at work on Earth right now. You may or may not know that your guardian angel is assigned to your case on the day you are born. However, a person born on the same day has necessitated the express assistance of their angel and demon. An unsavory case of wrongful termination. These are exceptional circumstances, but let us not dwell on it. Do not worry: you shall be judged with as much equity. The spirits of your guardian angel and your demon are hovering over this mountain, and we'll be able to hear what they have to say.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Your case shall be examined with the greatest objectivity. You are here in the ultimate place of justice. We already know everything about you. We know every intention which preceded every act.
SOUL (vehemently): I have nothing to be ashamed about. I have been very good. I got married. I had three children. I left a nice inheritance to my family. They're having a pleasant surprise right now, if you want my opinion.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL (while Gabriel holds up one of the threads): This is not “behaving well”. You see these knots? Each knot represents an action in your life.
From each knot, memory-bubbles rise by the thousands, quite similar to the ones welcoming the deceased after the first comatose wall.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: You were speaking about your wife. I see here that you often made her cry. You were cheating on her, weren’t you? With an idiot, what’s more.
SOUL (fatalist): Nowadays, morals are less strict…
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (cold): Simple adultery. 60 points penalty. (he studies other memory-bubbles) You mentioned your children. But have you really taken care of them? I can see you always left on holidays when they were born, and then brought up business trips to escape the nighttime cries, so that your wife was always left alone when she needed you the most.
SOUL: I was always up to my neck in work, all for the welfare of my family. And whenever I came back, I would cover my kids with gifts.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHEL: You really think toys can make up for a father’s absence? Sorry. 100 points penalty.
SOUL: What is it with those points and penalties?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: To end your cycle of reincarnation and become a wise spirit, you must have acquired 600 bonus points during your last stay on Earth. So far, you have a -160 penalty. Let us continue. (He unrolls the thread, and stops on a series of strikingly white knots) You put your aging parents into a third class nursing home and barely paid them a visit once a year.
SOUL: They were senile. And I was really swamped with work…
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: When they brought you up, you too were “senile”, as you say. Incontinent, what’s more. And whiny, messy, dirty, drooly, unable to stand on your own two legs. Your parents still had the patience of enduring your tantrums.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: And let’s talk about your work! Or rather, your secretary!
SOUL (surprised): Oh. So you know about that, too.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Here, we know everything, we see everything, we count everything. Your parents were desperate to see you again. They really missed you. What’s more, in homes, the more visits a patient receives, the better they are treated. When the nurses see that a patient has been abandoned, they assume that no one cares about them anymore. And they stop caring, too.
SOUL: I sent them quite a lot of gifts.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Always the same old tune. They did not ask for gifts, either. They wanted your presence. Just like your wife, and just like your kids.
SOUL: Don’t you think you’re laying it on thick? They were not so unhappy in that home. Every time I went to see them, they told me everything was fine…
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Because they loved you and didn’t want you to feel guilty. Another 100 points penalty! I’m not impressed. We’re already down to -260.
SOUL: Wait a minute, this is a bit too much. You’re both judge and jury. It looks to me as if your opinion is already made. I have done good in this life, too.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: What do you have in mind?
SOUL: I set up a bottle-factory! I created jobs for unemployed people, put food on their table; I manufactured objects which made people’s lives easier. Ah…
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Your bottle-factory! It polluted the entire region.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: And the work-conditions! You crafted a never-ending conflict between the management and the workers. You pushed them against one another so you could control them all.
SOUL: Divide and conquer is a basic rule of modern management. You cannot penalize me for following commercial studies!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: For the factory, 60 points penalty. You’re already 320 points under the tolerable threshold. Now to add the “tidbits”.
SOUL: Tidbits? What is that?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: During the course of your existence, you: told 8,254 lies damageable to the people around you; showed cowardice on 567 minor occasions and 789 serious ones; ran over 45 small animals with your car. And that's not all: you voted in elections without thought or reason, you gambled the household money, you had a noisy car, you…
SOUL (ectoplasm Donahue looks stricken): It sounds like you think I’m a total bastard!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: I never said that. (He looks again at the knotty thread, from which memory-bubbles are rising like so many Champagne bubbles) You regularly donated your blood to hospitals. Bonus: 20 points. You saved a fellow driver on the highway when his car was about to burst into flames. Bonus: 50 points. You donated your old clothes to charity instead of throwing them in the trash. Bonus: 10 points.
SOUL: And do not forget about the way I died.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (still looking at the thread): Yes, it does deserve to be looked at. You hit a plane tree so as to avoid a biker as two trucks trying to pass one another cut your way. The truck drivers are actually right behind you, waiting to-
Donahue turns around and sees two impatient souls waiting behind him.
SOUL: Ah!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: I must admit that this time your reflexes were good. 10 bonus points, but you might have gotten more if on top of avoiding the biker, you had spared the tree.
SOUL (outraged): What!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: This was a young tree, ready to grow for many more years, casting its shadow on the road, and you broke it in half! Next time, try to avoid the trucks, the biker and the tree, and just end up in the ditch. Maybe then your car would have caught fire and you would have died burning. Burning to death is well looked upon in these parts.
SOUL: Because it is an atrocious way to die?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: The more painful the death, the closer one gets to martyrdom. Death by fire would have given you 100 bonus points!
SOUL: What did you mean by “next time”?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (very patiently): As we have told you when we started, you need 600 points to end your cycle of reincarnations. But your score for this lifetime is -230. Not good.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Especially considering you’re on your 193rd reincarnation in human shape. We have no choice but to send you back yet again. Try and get a better score next time.
SOUL (taken aback): Send me back?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: In another body, for another existence. A life you will have to choose.
SOUL (more and more aghast): Because we can choose our life?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Of course you can. In life, you always get what you deserve.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Don’t forget we’re here to help souls. We’re trying to help you better yourself. For your own good, so you can reach atonement, we will reincarnate you.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: We’re going to give you a chance to make amends for your past life’s errors. You may choose your starting assets and handicaps. Let us see what we have in stock for a -230 score.
The three archangels call upon two seraphs, who have been fluttering above their heads during the entire scene. The seraphs bring them threads filled with image-bubbles rich in information.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Here is the fresh list of future parents who are, at this very moment, making love.
SOUL: I can choose my own parents?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: How many times do we need to explain that you can choose your life? But choose wisely! So. Would you prefer strict or lenient parents?
SOUL (perplexed): What's the difference?
A seraph projects a telepathic image. A fat man and a fat woman are lying in bed naked, trying to find a position in which neither of them will smother their partner with their weight. They vainly try having him on top of her, then her on top of him, before spooning.
The telephone rings, but the woman signals to the man not to answer. His face is crimson and his body drenched with sweat. He's grunting. The woman grimaces, tearing at her hair.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Mr and Mrs Dehorgne, a nice couple. They're kind, caring, loving. The only downside is their profession: they own a restaurant and the customers are scarce. You will therefore have to eat what food is left at the end of the day. Their specialty: Castelnaudary cassoulet and chocolate profiteroles. Like them, you will rapidly become obese. Are you interested?
SOUL (looking at the couple and its uncomfortable passion with disgust): Of course not.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: All parents have their advantages and drawbacks. With your grade, you cannot be too choosy.
New telepathic images are shown.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: The Pollet family. The father owns a tobacco shop, smokes a lot, drinks too much. The mother is illiterate and as submissive as a dog. At night, Mr Pollet often comes home drunk and beats everyone up, including spouse and children. With him, you'll be under constant attack, I can tell you.
Pollet is clutching at his wife's buttocks, scratching her till blood breaks through. Far from complaining, she lets out a ravished moan.
SOUL: But they are into sadomasochism! I loathe S&M. Next, please!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (doubtful): With -230 points...
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: The de Surnachs. Preppy. Young, athletic, always at the height of fashion, they'd be more like pals than parents. They have many friends, often go out to dance, travel the world.
All gaze at two beautiful young persons, happily frolicking under the covers.
SOUL (with much interest): Finally, something better than monsters!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: It's not so simple. Sure, they will leave you free to do whatever you want because they will be focused on their own happiness; but on the other hand, their endless reserves of energy will make you look bland and fearful in comparison.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: First, you will be jealous. Then you will hate them. They are so mad about each other that they will barely pay attention to you. You will grow up a sullen, bitter child. They will still exude youth when they are sixty years old. On the other hand, you will look like an old man before you have even reached your teens. Since hating your own parents is not an easy thing to accept, you will rapidly blame the entire planet instead.
SOUL: Alright, I get the picture. Who else do you have?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: It is our duty to show you both the good and the bad, even if it means your decision is harder to make.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Let us consider the Gomelins. An elderly couple who thought they would never have a child. Thanks to the advances of in vitro fertilization, this woman, though she has already reached menopause, will be able to give birth. You will be a gift from Heaven to this family. They will spoil you rotten. You will cherish and adore them.
SOUL (suspicious): What's the catch this time? They will feed me sweets till I'm obese? They will beat me up when my grades are poor because they'll be so keen to see me succeed?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: No. They’re old, not violent.
SOUL: That seems perfect then.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: You think so? You will love them so much you'll be unable to break free from this cocoon. You will stay at home, locked up, unable to open up to others. You will admire your mother so much, no other woman will ever compare. And no man could possibly be as wise or understanding as your father.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: But they are old, and will die soon, leaving you orphaned at a young age. You will be like the newborn bird, fallen from the nest before it could learn to fly. And you will go through life haunted with their trespassing.
SOUL (stricken): Who else do you have?
A couple is feverishly embracing on the carpet of a fancy living-room.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: The Chiroubles. They may be in each other’s arms right now, but in a few days they will get a divorce.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Split parents. You will be entrusted to your mother. She already has a lover, who will hate you. They will lock you up in a closet so they can make love in peace. She will beat you up every time you cry, out of fear that her lover might leave her. Your father will sometimes pick you up on the week-ends, but he, too, will be more interested in his mistress than your care.
SOUL: Better and better.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Do not speak so. There are benefits to having such parents. They will induce such rage in you that you will want to get a revenge on life. You will hate every woman, for they'll remind you of your mother. This indifference will make you irresistible, and as you get older you'll become a real Don Juan. You will also hate every man because of your father, and consequently be driven by a thirst for power so you may dominate them all. From such unhappy childhoods grow the CEOs and country leaders of this world.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: To top it off, the mere mention of your childhood will grant you the sympathy of everyone, and absolve you of your sins in their eyes.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: And if you happen to write your autobiography, it will sell like hot cakes; producers will fight to get a hold of the movie rights. People love tales of unhappy childhoods.
Donahue hesitates. This couple having fun on the carpet looks charming enough. But he recovers.
SOUL: I have no desire to be either Oliver Twist or Cinderella. Next.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: I'm sorry, but that is all we can offer you with a score of -230 points. The fat restaurant-owners, the drunk tobacconists, the dynamic preppies, the old doting parents or the nasty divorcees. Choose, and choose quickly; we must still go through your health-handicaps.
SOUL: But you are asking me to choose the lesser of two evils!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: You should have thought of this sooner. If you had been kinder to your parents, your wife and your children, you would have gotten a better score, and we would have had better options to offer you. The deceased that came before you had a score of -20 points and we were able to find him a nice family of wine dealers. Lovely people, who will give him an excellent education and probably help him become wise enough not to go through life again.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: You could always be reborn in a Third World country. You won't have much to eat, but you will benefit from a loving environment.
SOUL: If I must suffer through a depressing life, I would rather do it in the same country.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Then, and don't let me influence you, I would recommend the nasty divorcees. The more you suffer in this life, the better your chances of racking up points for your next life. You must think long term. A lifetime is shorter than you think.
All around them, seraphs are projecting images of each couple.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: I also think this is a wise choice. It will allow you to progress. It will be hard at first, but adulthood will make up for it somewhat.
SOUL (turning to Gabriel): And what do you think?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: I would rather pick the Pollets, with the drunk and violent tobacconist. I'm convinced a really crappy childhood is always preferable. Things can only get better from there. One triumphant day, you will be stronger than your father and he will not dare strike you again. Even sweeter will be the day you slam the door shut and escape their tyranny.
SOUL: But you just berated me for neglecting my parents in my previous life!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Each life is different. There are no absolute rules. It is only natural to try and get away from evil parents. You may still forgive them later on, which would grant you some bonus points, too!
Charles Donahue takes his time, studying each couple with care.
SOUL (sighing): Alright, I will pick the divorcees.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: I still think this is a clever choice. In nine months you will therefore be reincarnated into the Chirouble family.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Let us now turn to your health problems. You may choose them as well. With -230 points, you must pick two in the following list: paralyzing rheumatism, stomach ulcer, constant toothache, chronic facial paralysis, recurring nervous breakdowns, short-sightedness bordering on blindness, deafness, cross-eye, constant bad breath, psoriasis, constipation, Alzheimer's disease, paralysis of the left leg, stutter, chronic bronchitis, asthma.
SOUL: Well...
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Hurry up, or I'll choose for you. There are people behind you!
SOUL: Alright. On a whim: ulcer and asthma.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Not bad. I see you're a connoisseur.
SOUL: Well, in my previous life I suffered from chronic bronchitis and constant toothaches. It was unbearable. I might as well try something else.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: One last small formality. Do you want to be reborn as a man or a woman?
SOUL: What difference does it make?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: As a man, you will have to fulfill your military obligations and your average lifespan will be of eighty years. As a woman, you will give birth in pain and your lifespan will average ninety years.
SOUL: Wait a second. If I'm a woman, I'll never get to be this great, charismatic, seductive leader you promised I'd be!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: There's a man for you. But you're mistaken. The future belongs to female tyrants. You just need to switch the roles. All men will grovel at your feet, and you will dominate everyone. What's more, attitudes are changing. More and more women end up at the wheel of companies or even countries.
SOUL: Still. Giving birth must hurt a lot, doesn't it?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Try the epidural. And you know, female orgasm is nine times stronger than male orgasm. The women alone know true pleasure.
SOUL: I guess you know more than me on the subject.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Why do you think so many girls are born? People make an informed choice.
SOUL: Let's go with female, then.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Let us now look at your global mission. You probably do not remember this, but your soul appeared about seven hundred billion years ago, and its task was to create a work which would completely overturn the art of painting. But what do I see on your file? Nothing but some vaguely promising scribbles on the margins of your schoolbooks. You have so far failed to use any of your lives to fulfill your mission.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL (disappointed): And this is why humanity is still behind in many fields... It only takes one soul failing to fulfill its earthly destiny for an entire artistic or scientific field to stagnate!
SOUL: I was working so hard down there, I never had a minute to myself.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL (appalled): Are you kidding? It's all written here. In your past lives,
you have been a mammoth hunter, a cart driver, chamberlain in a castle, an explorer in Africa, a pearl fisherman and a movie star, and you have never been able to take one tiny week off to at least paint one painting?
SOUL: I'm afraid I never thought of it.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: You will have to. The whole of humanity is waiting for you to make your mark. Because of your laziness, the painting world is still longing for a second breath. Hundreds of artists and graphic designers are waiting for you so they can better express themselves, and enrich your message. Some are dying without ever painting anything.
SOUL: I'm really sorry. I will try my best this time. Still, a painter; I'll be piss-poor. People often have to wait until they're 50 or so before their talent is finally acknowledged.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (mocking): So? We're in a hurry, we have a train to catch? You will have ninety years to think on it and buy some brushes, isn't that enough?
SOUL: Being a woman will only make it harder for me to get recognition...
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Hardships will only increase your merit. If your work is as overwhelming as we expect, if you craft your Joconde, I hereby pledge to grant you 700 bonus points at your next trial. This would make up for a penalty of -100 points! Enough to lead a life of debauchery in-between masterpieces.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: If you're in a hurry, we could deal you the Mozart card.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: The Mozart card, good idea!
SOUL (with interest): What is the Mozart card?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: You quickly craft your masterpiece, you achieve medium fame, you make just enough money to survive and paint in large quantities and then wham!, you die young. Aged 35, like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. We may go to 39, if you'd prefer.
SOUL (with interest): Tempting. I gladly accept your offer. Thank you.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Wait. We're not done yet. You still have to choose your death.
SOUL: My death! But I am dead!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: I'm talking about your next death. We must plan everything in advance.
SOUL: Are you telling me that last time I actually picked the tree?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Indeed you did! What do you want this time? Another car accident, a cocaine overdose, being murdered by one of your fans or a spurned lover? You name it, we have it: the police blunder, the flowerpot falling from a balcony, drowning, suicide. The more painful the death, the bigger the bonus. Thanks to their 500 points bonus, many Cathars burnt at the stake have been able to end their reincarnation cycles. Burning people at the stake was all the rage back then. But we now have more modern ways to die: 300 bonus points if you die on the electric chair while innocent, or from a systemic cancer.
SOUL: I don't care about the bonuses. I wish to die quickly, in my bed, unknowingly. To go to sleep alive and wake up dead.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: I'm sorry, ectoplasm Donahue, but with your score of -230 points, such a nice death is out of the question. Your passing can only be violent. Moreover, it will increase your postmortem fame.
Think about Van Gogh! There's a man who knew how to paint, suffer and painfully die. He got his 600 points and was able to end his reincarnation cycle. He became a pure spirit. Use him as inspiration.
SOUL (complaining): But I do not want to suffer!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Look, we're not put on Earth to have fun. What's more, with the parents you chose, your childhood won't be rosy anyway!
SOUL: What a bore! Alright, I'll take the suicide. But a quick, clean suicide, and painless too.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Throw yourself out a window.
SOUL: Can't. I've always had vertigo.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Slit your wrists in a lukewarm bath. But beware, if you don't want to fail, cut deep. You might survive otherwise. Remember to sharpen your blade.
Donahue's mouth curls down in disgust.
SOUL: Alright. I'll take the wrist-slitting suicide.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL (smoothing out the knots on the thread): Let me sum it up, make sure we agree. You will be born a woman, with a stomach ulcer and asthma attacks. Your divorced parents will beat you up till you're blue. You will hurry up and paint this damn painting. You will die, wrists slit, in your bathtub. You can improvise with the rest of your life. Next?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL: Not so fast. We still have to draft his ID card.
SOUL: What's that now?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Don't worry. We just have to draft up some of your qualities. But you cannot choose those, we will do the math.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Here is the list:
Physical strength: below average.
Beauty: above average.
Stare: above average.
Voice: average.
Charisma: largely above average.
Skill at playing mind games: below average.
Technical abilities: below average.
SOUL: What does this all mean?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: That Miss will have a hard time getting her driver's license and won't be able to fix her washing machine. That's all.
SOUL: Whatever. As long as I'm beautiful and intelligent, I'll find someone to do that for me.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Let me go on:
Intelligence: average.
Seduction: above average.
Endurance: below average.
Stubbornness: above average.
Culinary talents: below average.
General irritability: above average.
SOUL: I'll be bad tempered?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: Quite.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL (annoyed at all the interruptions):
Musical talent: below average.
Skill with a gun: above average.
Liking for sports: below average.
Wish to reproduce: average.
SOUL: You call this free will? What will you tell me next? If I'm good at crossword puzzles? You say we can choose our next life, but too many elements are predetermined and out of my control. I protest.
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: See? You're already bad-tempered. Let us finish this:
Skill for fighting: above average.
Whining: above average.
Taste for adventure: below average.
There you go. Next!
SOUL: One more question. Will I remember any of this?
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL MICHAEL: Of course not. You won't remember a thing, not even once you're dead. It would be too easy!
JUDGE-ARCHANGEL GABRIEL: From time to time, however, you will have inklings, intuitions. This is all that will be left from this conversation. It will be up to you to trust your intuition. But enough chit-chat. Hurry down or your parents will have finished making love before you've arrived. Shoo!
Next!