I am thrown back into my hole.
I know I pledged to stop writing into this journal, but I have come to a point where I have too much to say with too little people to listen, with not even enough space in my Writer's Notebook.
Originally, my intention to quit this journal was that I had felt I was lacking things to say to people in person. Since I wrote everything here, I was not sure whether people knew about what I was going to tell them already or not. At this point, it would seem that naturally I do not speak out much in person. So what is the point exactly?
You can wake up one day feeling completely well yet a single chain of events can quickly cause you to give up your interest in others. I believe this has been happening to me for the past month perhaps. Whether it is the past, present, or future of some situation involving myself or others, I am a mirror to your actions. Call it karma. It is completely natural for a feeling to rub off on someone. In this sense, If you are surrounded by happy people, you are going to be happy. If you are surrounded by sad people, then you know the result. As well, if a series of small pins are stuck into you, the end result is your demise of feeling happy though not quite sad. It is the lack of trying. Waiting for something to happen? The balance can shift easily, but what if this lack of passion rubs off on others? Maybe it is that in this state you would seem 'poisonous'.
This wall presses down on me.
I am not quite sure if I did it or it comes from some other end, but either way we are all connected to the social fabric; we are equally 'affected' to one another. One by one the dominoes fell around me, by both my touch and theirs (accidentally?). The first needle stuck in me came with the most recent break up. That is one person down. I think I too heavily relied on friendships to work out and to always be ok because, when one came that I could not work things into normalcy, it struck me as major blow. Of course everyone is going to have someone they will never truly get along with, but the sudden realization of it, when that day comes, leaves a scar that shatters hope to try on. That one was my fault and I cannot forgive myself, especially since mainly I have forgotten everything about it in the effort of burying my problem. The next needle came when someone I thought of as a friend become more unnecessarily critical and mean. Repeated comments making fun of my problems that I already admitted to was too much. It did not help that they came periodically even when I asked nicely and later threateningly for him to stop. He has his own problems and he is taking them out on others. Next in line is my second most recent ex. Things perhaps were never meant to be more than friends so that is why they ended and that is ok. However, I question why now that things are existing just cool as friends, that she seemed to have run away? If she does not want to be friends I can respect that, but I seem to be in the dark. When is the right time to trust my gut instinct?
The worst thing is when the people who are close to you, in physical location and as friends, become so distant that you wonder if they were even there. I even seem to be a horrible ends with my family right now, mainly as my fault. I do not feel comfortable at home, or locally, because everyone seems detached from me and vice versa.
I want things to be well so much yet I can hardly utter a whisper from all the weight I have dropped onto myself.
Immaturity and irresponsibility.
Originally, my intention to quit this journal was that I had felt I was lacking things to say to people in person. Since I wrote everything here, I was not sure whether people knew about what I was going to tell them already or not. At this point, it would seem that naturally I do not speak out much in person. So what is the point exactly?
You can wake up one day feeling completely well yet a single chain of events can quickly cause you to give up your interest in others. I believe this has been happening to me for the past month perhaps. Whether it is the past, present, or future of some situation involving myself or others, I am a mirror to your actions. Call it karma. It is completely natural for a feeling to rub off on someone. In this sense, If you are surrounded by happy people, you are going to be happy. If you are surrounded by sad people, then you know the result. As well, if a series of small pins are stuck into you, the end result is your demise of feeling happy though not quite sad. It is the lack of trying. Waiting for something to happen? The balance can shift easily, but what if this lack of passion rubs off on others? Maybe it is that in this state you would seem 'poisonous'.
This wall presses down on me.
I am not quite sure if I did it or it comes from some other end, but either way we are all connected to the social fabric; we are equally 'affected' to one another. One by one the dominoes fell around me, by both my touch and theirs (accidentally?). The first needle stuck in me came with the most recent break up. That is one person down. I think I too heavily relied on friendships to work out and to always be ok because, when one came that I could not work things into normalcy, it struck me as major blow. Of course everyone is going to have someone they will never truly get along with, but the sudden realization of it, when that day comes, leaves a scar that shatters hope to try on. That one was my fault and I cannot forgive myself, especially since mainly I have forgotten everything about it in the effort of burying my problem. The next needle came when someone I thought of as a friend become more unnecessarily critical and mean. Repeated comments making fun of my problems that I already admitted to was too much. It did not help that they came periodically even when I asked nicely and later threateningly for him to stop. He has his own problems and he is taking them out on others. Next in line is my second most recent ex. Things perhaps were never meant to be more than friends so that is why they ended and that is ok. However, I question why now that things are existing just cool as friends, that she seemed to have run away? If she does not want to be friends I can respect that, but I seem to be in the dark. When is the right time to trust my gut instinct?
The worst thing is when the people who are close to you, in physical location and as friends, become so distant that you wonder if they were even there. I even seem to be a horrible ends with my family right now, mainly as my fault. I do not feel comfortable at home, or locally, because everyone seems detached from me and vice versa.
I want things to be well so much yet I can hardly utter a whisper from all the weight I have dropped onto myself.
Immaturity and irresponsibility.