(no subject)
Life is a dangerous adventure and yet it is one thst i will be diving into, someday. I really want to get paid all that i am owed, take the extra money from not paying bills and just travel to wherever my soul takes me. I am not so much bored with life as i am disgusted with it. Like usual the problem is people related, not any particular individual nor even more broadly a single viewpoint. The real issue lies with those who think the thought that the machine of society and government have lain in there empty and yet fallow minds. Enough of that, even though that is a big enough problem the biggest is within myself.
If who i am is ever totally exposed i will have to exile myself, i know that my family is more accepting than i originally gave them credit but this is way across that line. A week or so ago my sister told me that the guy she liked confessed to her that he is bisexual and not just thinking about it, he has a boyfriend. Well, when she told me she freaked out about how gross he is and she didnt want to ever see him again after that came out. I told her as calmly as i could manage that she should not throw away a friendship because of that alone. Last night my brother, his GF and some friends had a halloween party and i went to it with the intent of not going out on the town but instead going to the local hookah bar with another friend who did not have a costume either. Shortly after getting to the party he is roped into a costume and so the hookah bar plan is tossed out the window. At this point i obviously needed an outfit as well so Noel, my bro's gf, finds a pink halter top, floor length dress she had purchased at Deb's, a very gaudy ring which i wore on my left hand and pearls around my neck. Another one of the girls there did my makeup and, since my hair is pretty long i looked like a girl. From a distance a drunk guy would have hit on me no question but thats something else entirely. My brother is among the worst homophobics ive ever known and he let everyone know how much he hated his gay brother and for about 2 hours he didnt look at me. So all this leads to the potential fact that he is right, not because of his heckling but because all my life i have had many fantasies that lean both ways so i brought that up to my now ex wife, reasons unrelated to this directly but still in the mix. I dont know how to end this and since what i want to do is unavailable here in ohio, moving, or better yet, wandering is ideal for me. My only fear is that i will come back to ohio and not have a family anymore. Being gay or bi in my family is like signing your own death penalty, perhaps not literally in this, hopefully, more progressive age but certainly a figurative death warrant. So if you love me then pray to the gods that mercy is bestowed upon me in some sense.
If who i am is ever totally exposed i will have to exile myself, i know that my family is more accepting than i originally gave them credit but this is way across that line. A week or so ago my sister told me that the guy she liked confessed to her that he is bisexual and not just thinking about it, he has a boyfriend. Well, when she told me she freaked out about how gross he is and she didnt want to ever see him again after that came out. I told her as calmly as i could manage that she should not throw away a friendship because of that alone. Last night my brother, his GF and some friends had a halloween party and i went to it with the intent of not going out on the town but instead going to the local hookah bar with another friend who did not have a costume either. Shortly after getting to the party he is roped into a costume and so the hookah bar plan is tossed out the window. At this point i obviously needed an outfit as well so Noel, my bro's gf, finds a pink halter top, floor length dress she had purchased at Deb's, a very gaudy ring which i wore on my left hand and pearls around my neck. Another one of the girls there did my makeup and, since my hair is pretty long i looked like a girl. From a distance a drunk guy would have hit on me no question but thats something else entirely. My brother is among the worst homophobics ive ever known and he let everyone know how much he hated his gay brother and for about 2 hours he didnt look at me. So all this leads to the potential fact that he is right, not because of his heckling but because all my life i have had many fantasies that lean both ways so i brought that up to my now ex wife, reasons unrelated to this directly but still in the mix. I dont know how to end this and since what i want to do is unavailable here in ohio, moving, or better yet, wandering is ideal for me. My only fear is that i will come back to ohio and not have a family anymore. Being gay or bi in my family is like signing your own death penalty, perhaps not literally in this, hopefully, more progressive age but certainly a figurative death warrant. So if you love me then pray to the gods that mercy is bestowed upon me in some sense.