hold my breath

[mantou_chan]

While it's great when my mom have a rather brief(less than two months) of remission period after being admitted to private clinic for 3 weeks in private rehab clinic. It generally sucks when she spiraling down again to mixed periods. Going back to beers and refusing to see her psychiatrist is such a headache. It irks me, when she talks about my sister in these sequence; from crying on "am i not doing enough for her?!", "why she's still not going back", "did she know that I have illness, and I don't mean it when i throw her away?"; to angrily "how dare she laughing at me", "she's not my daughter anymore", "I will curse her future", and repeat from the start). I actually frustrated at both of them and gave up the role of peacemaker of two people who refuse to have dialogue. It frustrate me when my mom use her illness as excuses for the bizarre things she did and expect other people to excuse her for it's not being intentional, then refuse to see things from other people perspective, choose to be slighted and refuse to forgive. Mys sister refusal to meet my mom though understandable it creates problem for the one who holding the fort.

I understand that my mom is being ill, but knowing how it's her illness talk doesn't make it easier to live. It passed my mind how great it is when I cease to exist, it just an ideation though fleetingly tempting one. I fucking need distraction or time out.

Something that a tad bit tangent:
I noticed since last year-ish that my breath slowed down in suspense situation, now i understand how true it is the terms of "hold your breath".
Family dinner with extended family surprisingly relaxing when I want to escape nuclear family for 2 hours.