plague journal day 5
I knew on Sunday night that I was going to lose my job. I just felt it. It was unnaturally reassuring that it didn't happen right away. We had some morning meetings and everything went normally. Then I got a message, "please call me". I knew what it was. I spent about an hour trying to figure out who to say goodbye to and what to do to turn things over as best I could. Then I drove my stuff into the office where they'd already set up a collection room for laptops.
The reassuring thing is that this is not just happening to me, this time. This wasn't something I did. This isn't me being a fuck-up and self sabotaging. This time... yet.
Tuesday I took a call with a recruiter. It actually seems like a good opportunity. Almost the same pay and benefits. The job is in Dallas, though, so I'd be working remotely most of the time. There's not a lot of red flags here, but there's also not no red flags.
I've been spending the time since mostly killing time. I'm working on perfecting bacon fried rice. It's the cheapest food I can think to make with what I've found at the store. I really want a 40 lb bag of rice. I feel like that's the real disaster score I've got to nail down.
Seamus's flea problem is still not under control. It's bringing up bad memories of living with bed bugs. I keep having problems sleeping at night because I either imagine I'm being bitten or I'm actually being bitten. Today I gave him a bath. He was not a fan, but I think the fleas were even less so. I'm worried that he's getting them from whatever lives under the house. Obviously an exterminator is not in the budget anymore.
I sent an email to my mortgage company this week asking what to do. I didn't get a response. I don't know if that's just because the contact I have there is gone or they don't know what to do and/or happen to be swamped. I'm going to try again next week. There's rumors in the wind of being able to defer payments for a year. If that's true, it really gives me hope that I can last through this.
I need hope, I think. I'm a worst case scenario type of person and everything has been tracking with my worst case scenarios since someone first shared that "flatten the curve" graph. I'm worried what happens when this collapse starts cascading. I'm worried where desperation is going to lead people.