Day 26
I miss her. I miss the little things. Our jokes. I start thinking, "oh, I should text her about that. Maybe she'll appreciate some sort of sweet communication between us. Maybe it'll start to make things alright." Then I remember the things she's said to me and it feels like the ground underneath me has melted.
This week I actually signed the papers. I had tried a dissolution. I wanted a dissolution... but what I wanted more was for her to stop trying to use every attempt she had at destroying me. So I made a deal, desire for dissolution or no, everything hinged on treating me like a person. So now there is no dissolution.
Meanwhile, just thinking about all of this has been keeping me up nights. I sit there in the dark, and I can't shut my brain off, and I stare at the ceiling, and then I get out my phone. It's usually 5 in the morning or so before I'm too exhausted for my brain to keep me up. Then I oversleep for work, if I work at all. I've been lucky it hasn't got me in trouble.
Last night, though, I managed to get 8 hours of sleep at an almost normal time. There is an up-swing happening, but I don't know for how long. I feel like the longer I go between getting multi-page emails telling me that I'm going to die alone and the reasons I should kill myself has something to do with it. That means I can probably look forward to another down-swing when she gets served in a week or so.
It's hard finding the threads of the life I had before. It's hard remembering how to live without her there. It's not like life was good with her, but I knew what to expect. Now I just feel like I have vast chasms of time that I'm trying to fill, but not with anything permanent, because this is just my life in limbo.
This week I actually signed the papers. I had tried a dissolution. I wanted a dissolution... but what I wanted more was for her to stop trying to use every attempt she had at destroying me. So I made a deal, desire for dissolution or no, everything hinged on treating me like a person. So now there is no dissolution.
Meanwhile, just thinking about all of this has been keeping me up nights. I sit there in the dark, and I can't shut my brain off, and I stare at the ceiling, and then I get out my phone. It's usually 5 in the morning or so before I'm too exhausted for my brain to keep me up. Then I oversleep for work, if I work at all. I've been lucky it hasn't got me in trouble.
Last night, though, I managed to get 8 hours of sleep at an almost normal time. There is an up-swing happening, but I don't know for how long. I feel like the longer I go between getting multi-page emails telling me that I'm going to die alone and the reasons I should kill myself has something to do with it. That means I can probably look forward to another down-swing when she gets served in a week or so.
It's hard finding the threads of the life I had before. It's hard remembering how to live without her there. It's not like life was good with her, but I knew what to expect. Now I just feel like I have vast chasms of time that I'm trying to fill, but not with anything permanent, because this is just my life in limbo.