Official Divorce, Day 1
I met with a lawyer for the first time today. He says it'll be a pretty open and shut divorce, but it's still going to take 6 to 9 months. I feel like I'm going to wear out my welcome staying here that long. I've already been here for 3 weeks.
I came home to let her know that I cancelled the credit cards on the lawyer's advice. Of course, she flipped out and accused me of keeping her from "our" money. I'm not sure if she actually understands how this process works. Regardless, she still has her check every month and I'm still footing all of the bills for the house that she's living in. Flipping out means more dehumanizing, more delusional accusations, more name calling. It's begining to take it's toll. I'm having a hard time holding on to the high road.
I decided to do some scanning around facebook and see how many of our mutual friends I've lost. It's a lot. Some people I wouldn't have even guessed. I sent a message to one, just asking if she really didn't want to be friends anymore. It's really bumming me out. I'm hoping that it's just they're trying to give her signs of solidarity instead of genuinely believing her lies. She's taking advantage of the fact that she knows I'm a private enough person that I don't want to put up the story of our whole marriage as justification. This gives her the opportunity to set the narative and isolate me.
The worst is the emotional toll this is starting to take. Ever since I'd stopped taking the Zoloft, I'd been riding the high feeling of "maybe these drugs don't do anything at all? maybe i'd be fine without them?" I know from this past weekend, that's definitely not true. Even on the higher doses I've moved up to on Effexor, it's hard keeping the anxiety and depression at bay. Multiple times doing different activities this weekend, I would just feel overwhelmed and need to go lie down.
During the last couple weeks with her, multiple times she just fell into a patern of screaming at me "KILL YOURSELF. WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL YOURSELF? HEY, HAVE YOU CONSIDERED HOW MUCH EASIER THIS ALL WOULD BE IF YOU'D JUST KILL YOURSELF? KILL YOURSELF YOU PIECE OF SHIT" She is right, in that this would be a whole lot easier that way, but I didn't get as far as I've gotten to just give up now.