How much will I let a person hurt me before I quit?
I don't now how many times I touched a stove before I knew it was hot, but I have a good feeling it was about one time. However, when it comes to being with people and having relationships, I keep touching the fire, knowing it's hot, and then complaining. I know God will only give me as much as I can handle, but how much is that? Really? According to my doctor, I'm a strong person, so this makes me nervous. I've come to the realization that I'm a natural "giver". I enjoy giving people things, not materialistic things as much, but substantial things. I give time, energy, trust, hope, reassurance, faith, encouragment, and above all, love, amongst other things. But as logically as I think, I came to the conclusion, I can't give forever (unless forever is defined as :Until you die, then of course I can give til I die, most likely it will be the cause of my death). I give until I have nothing to give most of the time. Some people imbrace it, and for those people, I would give and give until I have nothing, but for the people that take it for granted, I'm ashamed that I waste my time.
I'm convinced that mentally, I'm about 30 years old. This is depressing, but at the same time, it keeps me from being stupid. Some people need more time to grow up, I recognize this, and let them grow, no matter how much it hurts or how much I love them. Last night at Pam's party, I took the position as chaperone after awhile and began retrieving the door when the guests parents came to pick them up. One older man assumed that I was Pam's mother and asked me if "the children were behaving". He continued talking to me as if I was an adult and ended the conversation with "I'm glad they behaved for you". I am everyone's mother. I'm not ashamed of that. I rather be everyone's mother than everyone's burden.
Why do I put up with people that treat me like crap everyday? is it because you love them you might say? Perchance. Perhaps I don't believe I deserve better. Perhaps I'm not strong enough to make it stop.
No matter how old I am mentally, or emotionally, it doesn't matter when it comes to things that require literal age. Such as moving. The day that I can move and not have anything tie me down. I'm gone. Out and Away from Orange Park. Orange Park has been eating at me for 16 years and for the first time in 16 years, it's got me. I belong somewhere else. I'm one of those plants that can grow alright in one area (OP) but can flourish in it's native/proper habitat (elsewhere). I'm making it here in Orange Park, but my desire to be elsewhere is persistant.
However, I've discovered that I have no real recognizable talent. Issa has her photography, Andrew has his cooking and his knowledge on plants and animals, my brother has computers. What do I have? People can say drama, but that will never get me anywhere. People can say foreign language, but I'm really not as great as people assume I am. Then you could say a mother, and I'd agree with you. I think that's probably my purpose in life. But a being can't make a living off being a mother alone. I can make a life, but not a living. What am I to do? Wander until I find the place of best comfort? I suppose.
I will always remember this talk I had with Misty about loving yourself. We agree that for a person to love another person, or to be capable of being in love with someone, they must know who they are first, and learn to love themselves. Therefore, when someone says "I love you" that "I" knows who they are and loves themself. It makes saying "I love you" more meaningful.
I'm very ready to graduate high school, graduate college even. Not to grow up, because that's not it. I'd like to catch up with my mental age eventually. AP classes are killing me slowing. I must read 25 pages on the United States becoming itself, 4 pages on pro/con federalists and anti-federalists, do vocab for chapters 9 and 10 and actually know what I read. I have to write an essay on "letting go" which shouldn't be to hard considering I know how that is. I also have to practice my Spanish Tu commands, esp. the irregulars. Amongst all this I'm trying to read Catcher and the Rye. I swear at the beginning of my junior year, I was baptized by fire.
In reference to The Little Prince, My rose is selfish, I love it, but it's selfish. It may not be special to anyone else, but it is to me. I just wish the maintence of the rose wasn't so difficult at times. I've tamed my rose and it has tamed me, but I think it may be time to let someone else tame it. It hurts but it's hurts more pruning the rose and watering it letting it suck my energy out, my love out. I wish I had the dedication of the Lamp lighter on that one planet. He has the chance to watch the sun set many times a day. I suppose the beauty in that would be enough encouragement to continue lighting and blowing out the lamp. However, I refuse to put a glass case around my rose. By doing that, it would hinder the living process. Protecting it from the sheep and other dangers of the world, is only partially up to me. Maybe I should leave my special planet, then it would mean more to me if I ever decide to return. OR! Perhaps I'm wrong in relating myself to the prince, perchance I am the fox. Maybe my desire to be tamed was just granted by my prince. And I weep, just like the fox and the prince tells me it's my own fault, however, I would benefit because I would have brought to the prince's attention that his "rose is the only rose in the world" even if you see 5 thousand more. "You become repsonsible forever for what you've tamed. You're responsible for your rose..." But if I am the fox, I have tamed the prince as well...
Me- "you will never forget first loves"
Mike- "The first is where the heart learns to love"
*Sigh*
After a little word vomit, one has a chance to feel better.
I'm convinced that mentally, I'm about 30 years old. This is depressing, but at the same time, it keeps me from being stupid. Some people need more time to grow up, I recognize this, and let them grow, no matter how much it hurts or how much I love them. Last night at Pam's party, I took the position as chaperone after awhile and began retrieving the door when the guests parents came to pick them up. One older man assumed that I was Pam's mother and asked me if "the children were behaving". He continued talking to me as if I was an adult and ended the conversation with "I'm glad they behaved for you". I am everyone's mother. I'm not ashamed of that. I rather be everyone's mother than everyone's burden.
Why do I put up with people that treat me like crap everyday? is it because you love them you might say? Perchance. Perhaps I don't believe I deserve better. Perhaps I'm not strong enough to make it stop.
No matter how old I am mentally, or emotionally, it doesn't matter when it comes to things that require literal age. Such as moving. The day that I can move and not have anything tie me down. I'm gone. Out and Away from Orange Park. Orange Park has been eating at me for 16 years and for the first time in 16 years, it's got me. I belong somewhere else. I'm one of those plants that can grow alright in one area (OP) but can flourish in it's native/proper habitat (elsewhere). I'm making it here in Orange Park, but my desire to be elsewhere is persistant.
However, I've discovered that I have no real recognizable talent. Issa has her photography, Andrew has his cooking and his knowledge on plants and animals, my brother has computers. What do I have? People can say drama, but that will never get me anywhere. People can say foreign language, but I'm really not as great as people assume I am. Then you could say a mother, and I'd agree with you. I think that's probably my purpose in life. But a being can't make a living off being a mother alone. I can make a life, but not a living. What am I to do? Wander until I find the place of best comfort? I suppose.
I will always remember this talk I had with Misty about loving yourself. We agree that for a person to love another person, or to be capable of being in love with someone, they must know who they are first, and learn to love themselves. Therefore, when someone says "I love you" that "I" knows who they are and loves themself. It makes saying "I love you" more meaningful.
I'm very ready to graduate high school, graduate college even. Not to grow up, because that's not it. I'd like to catch up with my mental age eventually. AP classes are killing me slowing. I must read 25 pages on the United States becoming itself, 4 pages on pro/con federalists and anti-federalists, do vocab for chapters 9 and 10 and actually know what I read. I have to write an essay on "letting go" which shouldn't be to hard considering I know how that is. I also have to practice my Spanish Tu commands, esp. the irregulars. Amongst all this I'm trying to read Catcher and the Rye. I swear at the beginning of my junior year, I was baptized by fire.
In reference to The Little Prince, My rose is selfish, I love it, but it's selfish. It may not be special to anyone else, but it is to me. I just wish the maintence of the rose wasn't so difficult at times. I've tamed my rose and it has tamed me, but I think it may be time to let someone else tame it. It hurts but it's hurts more pruning the rose and watering it letting it suck my energy out, my love out. I wish I had the dedication of the Lamp lighter on that one planet. He has the chance to watch the sun set many times a day. I suppose the beauty in that would be enough encouragement to continue lighting and blowing out the lamp. However, I refuse to put a glass case around my rose. By doing that, it would hinder the living process. Protecting it from the sheep and other dangers of the world, is only partially up to me. Maybe I should leave my special planet, then it would mean more to me if I ever decide to return. OR! Perhaps I'm wrong in relating myself to the prince, perchance I am the fox. Maybe my desire to be tamed was just granted by my prince. And I weep, just like the fox and the prince tells me it's my own fault, however, I would benefit because I would have brought to the prince's attention that his "rose is the only rose in the world" even if you see 5 thousand more. "You become repsonsible forever for what you've tamed. You're responsible for your rose..." But if I am the fox, I have tamed the prince as well...
Me- "you will never forget first loves"
Mike- "The first is where the heart learns to love"
*Sigh*
After a little word vomit, one has a chance to feel better.