things that i sure of they have filled me up with doubt
I got home yesterday. Had a good day. I feel like shit being here at home. I landed and i just wanted to tell the pilot to turn around and go back. It's so horrible here. I love my family and my friends, but damn, it just doesn't feel like i belong here. No matter what i do i feel out of place. I went out w/ my family today and it felt like they could see right through me. It hurt. It's like if they had any idea of how i actually felt. It's terrible. I have to go see a psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm scared. I don't know what to think. Here i am, never met this lady in my life and all the sudden i'm supposed to tell her what makes me hurt? Well how the fuck do you answer that? If i can't understand it myself how do i make someone alse understand it? Matt has been pressuring me a lot latly to tell him why i'm upset and tell him why i hurt. and to go out with him. and that isn't something i want. I just don't see it. I don't see me dating yet anyways. I don't know why. I guess it's just at the moment i feel like such a mess and i think that my dating somebody now would just fuck them over, and i don't want to do that to anybody. My dad took me to get my lisence today and i opened my wallet to put it away and a razor blade fell out and ent bouncing acroos the door and he got all paranoid and asked me if i wanted to kill myself. I was like "no dad, i'm not gonna kill myslef" and he was like so "what do you need that for?" and i was just like "i don't know" than sort of ignored him to show that i really didn't want to talk about it. He got the idea. That was good. I felt so bad. Like i think he knew. But what do you say to somebody? It was just awkward. he made me leave it there. I have no more now...oh well. i don't absolutly need them...right now. Well i'm going i've had enough for a day. I'm gonna watch Donnie Darko... ta ta