road trip american idol style
so here's the thing. i'm completely in love with a boy named zack. have been for like two years. last friday, while i was at work, he text messaged me and asked if i wanted to drive to birmingham, alabama with him so he could audition or american idol. i, of course, said yes. we took off that night and drove all night - 17 hours. and it's a scary drive. we went straight to the big stadium in birmingham to register to audition. they gave us a stupid bracelet that we had to wear the next two days before the audition and every fucking person in alabama asked us if we were there for american idol. we finally got to the hotel and slept for a few hours and then went out to find out what the city had to offer. fortunately we had our birmingham doin's [sic] and dammit we knew how to use it. so we found a bar/club called quest. it kinda sucked. it was mostly lesbians and was apparently big girl night cause we kept getting knocked right off the dance floor. there was, however, a frightening couple of bouncers. she kept touching us where we pee and he kept telling us how much money he makes at his day job. we went home to finally sleep and that was that for saturday. sunday we got up and went to ihop and then discovered that nothing is open on sundays. apparently church is an all day affair in the south. we managed to find the perfect afternoon activity though - bowling. zack didn't have any white socks with him. i did but reluctantly offered to wear my black socks with shorts so he wouldn't be the only one looking a mess. it didn't matter, i fuckin rock at bowling, especially in my burberry shorts. besides, at least we weren't wearing our bowling team's stupid shirt. when we were finished, and after zack took me to the dairy queen (swoon) we went back to the hotel to get ready for the evening. we went to a bar called the phoenix. there was a horrific drag show in which some queen pointed at me in a frightening manner. zack and i each found something to ride, though. he found a saddle sitting next to the dance floor. i found a cowboy a few feet away. me and the cowboy, who actually drives a bus, made out a little bit while zack just kept on keepin on. he's so fucking cute it hurts. we went home pretty early cause we had a big audition the next day! which brings us to monday. we only got like four hours sleep so we could get in line at like 7am. we then proceeded to wait for 8 hours among the biggest freak shows you've ever seen, including this crack ho who i'm pretty sure gave me crabs from across the street. i wish we could have gotten a picture of her shoes, ooooh child. anyway, we finally got into the building and got ready to get our sing on. we first had to spend hours singing "sweet home alabama" for the camera and saying stupid things like "i'm the next american idol." watch the first episode of idol, you'll see what i mean. it sucked. when we finally (i can't stress the word "finally" enough) got our turn to sing it was a little more nerve wracking than i expected. zack did his thing and unfortunately didn't get picked (you find out right on the spot). when it was my turn i cleared my throat and busted into "mama keeps whites bright like the sunshine, mama's got the magic of chlorox 2." the woman was unamused and asked me "do you have anything that isn't an advertising jingle?" i politely said "i'm sorry that's all i prepared." i thought it was fucking hysterical. i didn't get picked. oh and btw you only get to sing in front of simon and paula and randy on like the 3rd or 4th round so anyone you see who sucks is totally passed along to make for good tv. a little disappointing, no? anyway...we took off driving directly from the audition. the drive back was a lot more fun and was two hours shorter, which was nice. it was still scary though. and for those of you who love margaret cho, here's a little reference zack and i found hilarious. "they're fucking groseclose they're so close." we literally pulled off the road to take that picture. i love that boy... anyway, that's my trip. i'm leaving tomorrow to go to ptown with steve and his friends, pictures to come i hope. tracy i'll call you every five minutes. don't worry, i know what i'm doing...
