one more time, one more time, i will be rolling one more time. (failed again, failed again.)
I have had to take my time to answer this email because I found it so devastating.
I am trying to get ready to go to Wales to my uncle's funeral and then this arrives and I have been up all night unable to sleep once again because of your behavior.
When will you grow up? When you will stop your stupid, self-destructive behavior, when will you act like a responsible human being and when will you stop hurting the people who love you?
Those are all extremely tough questions but you deserve every one of them. The sheer selfishness, laziness and irresponsibility you have displayed is breath-taking. This family sacrifices for you, goes without for you and you are too lazy to go to a PE class. It is beyond sorry. It is beyond fucking up. It is quite simply, rude, ignorant, selfish, self-centered, self absorbed, laziness and a couple lack of respect for anyone.
I dont know what to say to you anymore. Encouragement doesn't help. Pleading doesn't help, yelling doesn't help. Nothing helps you because you refuse to help yourself.
I'm done. If I could pull you out of that school and get that money back so that we could pay some bills I would but it's too late for that. You've wasted our time, our love, our effort and our money and thrown it all in our face. You are indeed a sorry person.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do
I give up
I'm doing everything wrong and I don't know how to stop it anymore
I can't stop crying and I feel like vomiting
all this because I missed PE
I just missed PE
it's not anything else
this is all made worse by the fact that I can't deny anything she's said
I can't find it in myself to deny anything
not a single word
she's my mother - she knows me best, of course she does
she knows me at my worse, like you guys don't
she knows me when I make her cry herself to sleep
she knows me when I break her heart
she knows me when I take all her attention away from my siblings
she knows me when I'm selfish and self-absorbed and grumpy
she knows all the worst sides of me that you guys never see
so I can't tell her she's wrong because she's not
she's suffered so much because of me you guys
and I don't know what to do
I don't know how to change myself
and I'm so scared because I keep trying to think about the logistics of hanging myself, pros and cons with other ways of killing myself and it's terrifying and I don't know what to do anymore
all last night, I cried into my pillow and it sounds so fucking stupid and cliche but I
I don't know what to do anymore
I was thinking about what to write as a goodbye apology and how to do it and when do to it so I wouldn't be found until it was too late
but I was also thinking, "maybe, what if, I changed my mind - what would be the best way that I could stop half-way through?"
and I'm scaring myself but I don't know what to do and I just hope that meeting with Cara tomorrow helps something because I feel like I'm about to break and I'm not sure what I'm even doing wrong anymore
I know I'm worthless and I know I'm a terrible daughter, they remind me of that all the time but
I don't know I have to worth something to someone, someday, right? Someone who can make me understand that I'm worth something?
I know you guys all try so hard to convince me but I don't know
what
to do anymore
because nothing's working and something's got to go to make this work
and I'm so scared that it's going to be me
and hahahah Mel remember how we were talking about theme songs??
this is mine. Rolling Girl is mine. for better or for worse, this is the song I've always related to most.
I am trying to get ready to go to Wales to my uncle's funeral and then this arrives and I have been up all night unable to sleep once again because of your behavior.
When will you grow up? When you will stop your stupid, self-destructive behavior, when will you act like a responsible human being and when will you stop hurting the people who love you?
Those are all extremely tough questions but you deserve every one of them. The sheer selfishness, laziness and irresponsibility you have displayed is breath-taking. This family sacrifices for you, goes without for you and you are too lazy to go to a PE class. It is beyond sorry. It is beyond fucking up. It is quite simply, rude, ignorant, selfish, self-centered, self absorbed, laziness and a couple lack of respect for anyone.
I dont know what to say to you anymore. Encouragement doesn't help. Pleading doesn't help, yelling doesn't help. Nothing helps you because you refuse to help yourself.
I'm done. If I could pull you out of that school and get that money back so that we could pay some bills I would but it's too late for that. You've wasted our time, our love, our effort and our money and thrown it all in our face. You are indeed a sorry person.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know what to do I don't know what to do I don't know what to do
I give up
I'm doing everything wrong and I don't know how to stop it anymore
I can't stop crying and I feel like vomiting
all this because I missed PE
I just missed PE
it's not anything else
this is all made worse by the fact that I can't deny anything she's said
I can't find it in myself to deny anything
not a single word
she's my mother - she knows me best, of course she does
she knows me at my worse, like you guys don't
she knows me when I make her cry herself to sleep
she knows me when I break her heart
she knows me when I take all her attention away from my siblings
she knows me when I'm selfish and self-absorbed and grumpy
she knows all the worst sides of me that you guys never see
so I can't tell her she's wrong because she's not
she's suffered so much because of me you guys
and I don't know what to do
I don't know how to change myself
and I'm so scared because I keep trying to think about the logistics of hanging myself, pros and cons with other ways of killing myself and it's terrifying and I don't know what to do anymore
all last night, I cried into my pillow and it sounds so fucking stupid and cliche but I
I don't know what to do anymore
I was thinking about what to write as a goodbye apology and how to do it and when do to it so I wouldn't be found until it was too late
but I was also thinking, "maybe, what if, I changed my mind - what would be the best way that I could stop half-way through?"
and I'm scaring myself but I don't know what to do and I just hope that meeting with Cara tomorrow helps something because I feel like I'm about to break and I'm not sure what I'm even doing wrong anymore
I know I'm worthless and I know I'm a terrible daughter, they remind me of that all the time but
I don't know I have to worth something to someone, someday, right? Someone who can make me understand that I'm worth something?
I know you guys all try so hard to convince me but I don't know
what
to do anymore
because nothing's working and something's got to go to make this work
and I'm so scared that it's going to be me
and hahahah Mel remember how we were talking about theme songs??
this is mine. Rolling Girl is mine. for better or for worse, this is the song I've always related to most.