pandora hearts, electronics & my mother being the eternal victim of life
FUCK EVERYTHING
FUCK YOU PANDORA HEARTS
FUCK YOU SPRING BREAK
FUCK YOU EVERYTHING AHHHHHH
I can't even. I'm not. Ughhhhhhhh.
Elliot. My baby, I can't. You can't just. And Oz and Leo, I don't. Vincent why what is going on omg Gil what what WHAT oh my god. Eliiot, my baby, come back to me. No. Nooooo.
I'M NEVER READING PANDORA HEARTS AGAIN.
;_____;
Anyway... unfortunately, there is real life drama going on.
I'm supposed to have no electronics while I'm home, but I'm sneaking onto my little brother's laptop every once and a while. Just figured I'd tell you guys. \:
I'm not having a good break. My mum keeps flipping out and just an hour or two ago, she got into this stupid fight with my dad and ended up screaming that she hated him and that she really was coming to despise him. I hate that she does this whenever she's upset; she takes it out on everyone around her as if she's some victim in the grand scheme of life. Can't do anything but deal with it, I guess.
She reminded me this morning that I'm disrespectful, lazy and uncaring. /: I've been forgetting to remind myself of that lately. What really got to me though was how she basically told me I wasn't her daughter. She said something along the lines of - "The Ariel I know is kind and sensitive and caring, and I know she's in there somewhere, but right now, she's being covered up by you, and you need to find her again."
I just. I don't know how to talk to her anymore. She gets sensitive over the weirdest things, and takes it out on people who haven't really even done anything. I don't know. I'm just not saying anything, hiding in quiet rooms, and trying to avoid talking to her. Because I really don't know what to do anymore.
I can't remember the last time that she - I dunno, was proud of me. I wish I was enough for her, but I never will be, because the "real" Ariel is smart and intelligent and sweet and thoughtful and I'm just - that's not what I'm like. I'm insecure and needy and jealous and weak and foul-mouthed and awkward and loud and I laugh too much and I cry too much and I can't -
I'm not who she wants, I never have been that kid. Certainly, I'm still sensitive, but I've told her over and over... I am lazy. I am unmotivated. I am fine living in a run down apartment and working a job that doesn't give me much pay, so long as I have a roof over my head and enough money for food. She's set on me proving to the world how "brilliant" I am, and for one thing - I'm not brilliant. No one could care less about me besides the Butter Whores and some other friends. This is a fact. Brilliant or not, I have no need or desire to go out into a world full of people who don't give a shit about me. I'm too scared to.
But anyway. I'm rambling and I'm not even making sense.
Basically, I'm trying to be frank with people. I am a terrible person. I hit down periods and can't get back up for weeks. I am not an easy person to be friends with - and I don't think it's even worth it in the end. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make anyone think otherwise.
I'm tired. I'm tired and I want to talk to someone, but I don't want to risk it. (I guess Flash was right; "soft-spoken and troubled" does seem to describe me. I'm not sure why that still bothers me so much.)
People won't notice you need help unless you reach out to them. And I'm too scared to reach out to the people I'd want to talk to. I'll never get any better and mum will eventually figure out that I'm never going to be who she wants.
I'll never amount to anything. I wish there was something to say other than "I'm sorry", but I really can't think of anything else.
I'll be fine in a little bit, honest. I get up from these little hiccups easily, so there's no need to worry or say anything.
I'm okay. I am one hundred percent okay.
I'm happy people haven't noticed I'm gone, because that means no one's had reason to worry. No one's been thinking about it.
Things are okay. Things are completely okay with me gone. No one in this world needs me, and I'm starting to accept that. It doesn't scare me as much anymore; I can think about it calmly. No one needs me. It's nice to be able to admit it to myself without just freaking out. (Although some part of me is still scared; I can't help that - )
Anyway, ugh. Didn't mean to dump that all on you guys. Just getting shit off my chest. I really need to find some place to say all this where you guys can't see it, 'cause you don't deserve to read this! It probably doesn't even make sense, sorry.
On a side note, I need to proceed with emotional caution. |: I'm caught in a situation that might have me starting to like someone more than I should. Someone smack me! This is an incredibly bad thing, because it's just going to end in me being heartbroken. I'd prefer not to go through that shit for a third time, 'cause it's painful. |8
And also, welcome back Koondy! <3 <3 I missed you so much and I love you like woaaaaah and I'm so so so so happy you're back, bby. <3 <3 Tell me before you leave next time! (PS, the "x" button on Zeke's laptop doesn't work, so I have to copy+pasta it from somewhere else!)
So, bye guys. Sorry again for dumping shit on you, kya. ;;; You don't have to read it, seriously. It's just pointless stuff that I shouldn't be thinking about, that shouldn't bother me.
I'm not hitting a low again (I hope). My last one was so severe that I think I'm okay for a while.
NEVER MIND YOU GUYS I'LL POST SOMETHING LATER THAT MAKES MORE SENSE
I'M SORRY.
FUCK YOU PANDORA HEARTS
FUCK YOU SPRING BREAK
FUCK YOU EVERYTHING AHHHHHH
I can't even. I'm not. Ughhhhhhhh.
Elliot. My baby, I can't. You can't just. And Oz and Leo, I don't. Vincent why what is going on omg Gil what what WHAT oh my god. Eliiot, my baby, come back to me. No. Nooooo.
I'M NEVER READING PANDORA HEARTS AGAIN.
;_____;
Anyway... unfortunately, there is real life drama going on.
I'm supposed to have no electronics while I'm home, but I'm sneaking onto my little brother's laptop every once and a while. Just figured I'd tell you guys. \:
I'm not having a good break. My mum keeps flipping out and just an hour or two ago, she got into this stupid fight with my dad and ended up screaming that she hated him and that she really was coming to despise him. I hate that she does this whenever she's upset; she takes it out on everyone around her as if she's some victim in the grand scheme of life. Can't do anything but deal with it, I guess.
She reminded me this morning that I'm disrespectful, lazy and uncaring. /: I've been forgetting to remind myself of that lately. What really got to me though was how she basically told me I wasn't her daughter. She said something along the lines of - "The Ariel I know is kind and sensitive and caring, and I know she's in there somewhere, but right now, she's being covered up by you, and you need to find her again."
I just. I don't know how to talk to her anymore. She gets sensitive over the weirdest things, and takes it out on people who haven't really even done anything. I don't know. I'm just not saying anything, hiding in quiet rooms, and trying to avoid talking to her. Because I really don't know what to do anymore.
I can't remember the last time that she - I dunno, was proud of me. I wish I was enough for her, but I never will be, because the "real" Ariel is smart and intelligent and sweet and thoughtful and I'm just - that's not what I'm like. I'm insecure and needy and jealous and weak and foul-mouthed and awkward and loud and I laugh too much and I cry too much and I can't -
I'm not who she wants, I never have been that kid. Certainly, I'm still sensitive, but I've told her over and over... I am lazy. I am unmotivated. I am fine living in a run down apartment and working a job that doesn't give me much pay, so long as I have a roof over my head and enough money for food. She's set on me proving to the world how "brilliant" I am, and for one thing - I'm not brilliant. No one could care less about me besides the Butter Whores and some other friends. This is a fact. Brilliant or not, I have no need or desire to go out into a world full of people who don't give a shit about me. I'm too scared to.
But anyway. I'm rambling and I'm not even making sense.
Basically, I'm trying to be frank with people. I am a terrible person. I hit down periods and can't get back up for weeks. I am not an easy person to be friends with - and I don't think it's even worth it in the end. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make anyone think otherwise.
I'm tired. I'm tired and I want to talk to someone, but I don't want to risk it. (I guess Flash was right; "soft-spoken and troubled" does seem to describe me. I'm not sure why that still bothers me so much.)
People won't notice you need help unless you reach out to them. And I'm too scared to reach out to the people I'd want to talk to. I'll never get any better and mum will eventually figure out that I'm never going to be who she wants.
I'll never amount to anything. I wish there was something to say other than "I'm sorry", but I really can't think of anything else.
I'll be fine in a little bit, honest. I get up from these little hiccups easily, so there's no need to worry or say anything.
I'm okay. I am one hundred percent okay.
I'm happy people haven't noticed I'm gone, because that means no one's had reason to worry. No one's been thinking about it.
Things are okay. Things are completely okay with me gone. No one in this world needs me, and I'm starting to accept that. It doesn't scare me as much anymore; I can think about it calmly. No one needs me. It's nice to be able to admit it to myself without just freaking out. (Although some part of me is still scared; I can't help that - )
Anyway, ugh. Didn't mean to dump that all on you guys. Just getting shit off my chest. I really need to find some place to say all this where you guys can't see it, 'cause you don't deserve to read this! It probably doesn't even make sense, sorry.
On a side note, I need to proceed with emotional caution. |: I'm caught in a situation that might have me starting to like someone more than I should. Someone smack me! This is an incredibly bad thing, because it's just going to end in me being heartbroken. I'd prefer not to go through that shit for a third time, 'cause it's painful. |8
And also, welcome back Koondy! <3 <3 I missed you so much and I love you like woaaaaah and I'm so so so so happy you're back, bby. <3 <3 Tell me before you leave next time! (PS, the "x" button on Zeke's laptop doesn't work, so I have to copy+pasta it from somewhere else!)
So, bye guys. Sorry again for dumping shit on you, kya. ;;; You don't have to read it, seriously. It's just pointless stuff that I shouldn't be thinking about, that shouldn't bother me.
I'm not hitting a low again (I hope). My last one was so severe that I think I'm okay for a while.
NEVER MIND YOU GUYS I'LL POST SOMETHING LATER THAT MAKES MORE SENSE
I'M SORRY.