entry four & five
entry four
1:10am, Thursday morning. Can’t sleep. Too restless, everything inside hurts. Hungry on top of heart pains. Too tired to think but too awake to sleep. I’ll lie down again in a bit. Give myself more time.
My apathy is gone. I’ve realized I can’t even pretend to be apathetic anymore. My stability is gone. This is the problem with friends. They open you up and nestle in your heart, and help you remember how to feel and care and love people. But they also know just how to cut you into pieces and tear you up inside. Without even doing anything. I miss being apathetic. It was so much easier. Every day dragged on relentlessly, but it was easy. There was no pain.
My step-dad has called me worthless at least twice. Maybe three times. He has never apologized, so he must have meant it. I don’t think he notices when he says these things, but he is always honest. So it must be true. I am worthless. Therefore, people are correct in not caring about me. Thus, everything is justified. Justified, but no less painful.
He called me worthless so long ago that I’m surprised I remember. I was in seventh grade. Maybe sixth. Maybe eighth. Does a memory still count in emotional value if you don’t remember the exact dates? Of course it does. Stupid question. Why am I still holding on to it. I don’t know anymore.
Once, he made me so angry and upset that I broke all my swimming trophies in half and threw them away. I broke a necklace I spent a week picking colors and beading. I pulled my glasses apart into six pieces. I kicked a hole through my closet wall. We didn’t have a good relationship.
I know to ignore him now. He doesn’t make me cry anymore. I think. I haven’t spoken to him in a long time. I don’t think I want to.
Mom is coming up this weekend for my birthday. I’m turning seventeen. I’m not very excited. I asked Whitney not to get me anything, but she did anyway. There’s a Five Guys burger joint opening near our house. My little brother is so excited that he tried to call me fifteen times. I missed every call. Even when I noticed he called, I couldn’t bring myself to call him back. I love him.
Grandma was ill a little while ago. She had pneumonia. She’s better now, mom said. I hope so. I don’t want her to go yet. I’m sorry.
I’m scared of people dying. I’m scared of losing people. People who believe in God amaze me. In a good way. I can’t do it, but they have so much faith in something they can never prove. It’s beautiful to me. I had to lie to my grandma about believing in God when I saw her. I wanted to cry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m really rambling. I’m so tired.
I’d like to know there was one person who I meant the most to. Someone who would be able to love me. Whitney says it’ll happen someday, but the more she assures me of that, the less I believe her. Hahah.
I don’t know anymore. I’m going to vanish and no one will notice. I love you all, I swear I do. I wish I wasn’t like this. You shouldn’t have to deal with me. I’m sorry.
I’m going to try sleeping again. So tired. It’s 1:20am and I’ve been typing for a long time, I guess. I don’t feel any better. Good night.
entry five
Friday night, Saturday morning, 12:28am. I can’t say I like talking to Superboy or Robin much when they’re together. Rather, I don’t like being in chat when they’re together. They only seem to see each other. Usually it’s cute. Today it just kind of made me blank. I’m not feeling insecure right now. Just tired. Exhausted. I don’t know.
I watched the series finale of Six Feet Under again. Somehow, I cried more when I didn’t know the characters. And yet, it made me more upset knowing them. That show is beautiful. I love it so much, and we’re only on the eighth episode in TV Writing. It’s so amazingly written and the music is beautiful and. I don’t know. It’s wonderful.
Had a long talk with Flash today. It was nice. …Nice being a relative term. I cried for more than half of it. I’m glad I spoke to him, though. Again, glad being relative. I’m just very empty right now. I don’t understand it. I suppose empty/blank is better than tearing myself apart and trying not to cry, though.
Picked up the first three volumes of Fables from the bookstore. Read the first. It’s pretty cool so far. I actually like it a lot.
No Young Justice today. Mmn. Forgot to read Pandora Hearts. Too distracted by everything.
Had a guest writer. Kazim Ali. He was… charmingly gay. It was adorable. He didn’t really do anything to help with my writing - can hardly remember what we even spoke about in class besides yoga, or what we did besides yoga. Oh well. At least the reading was nice.
Summarized Naruto for forty minutes or so during dinner. It was nice to make people laugh, even people who didn’t know the series. It’s too easy to make fun of.
Woke up this morning, and I felt pretty. I noticed that my skin looked soft - like someone had powdered it just right, and my hair looked nice and not just a nest. I don’t know. It’s nice to at least feel physically okay, even if my emotions are just in a state of disarray. I’m all over the place. I don’t even know what to say. Hahahah.
Tired. Forgot to do Chem homework. Did we even have Chem homework? I can’t remember.
Whitney got me the Special 2 Disc version of Under the Red Hood. I squealed so much. Whitney is far too nice to me. We also watched How to Train Your Dragon together. It was nice.
Flash called me “troubled and soft-spoken” today. Somehow, that made me feel. Confused and embarrassed? But. Not in a bad way. I don’t know. Robin said I do some off as soft-spoken sometimes. Superman and Speedy said the same, actually. When I asked. I didn’t realize I came off that way. I’ve never considered myself soft-spoken, so it just. Kind of. Surprised me. The troubled part I understand, hahah. But. Soft-spoken. Jesus. I dunno.
He also told me that him, Speedy and Batman… worry about me. About me. I just. I don’t know what to say to that. I was so touched, but at the same time, I just. I don’t want them to worry, at all. I don’t mean to make people worried. I’m sorry I do.
But I’m alright today. I guess. I got a cookie from my dorm parent. Still tired. Going to try to sleep soon. 12:45am, good night.
From just last night and the day before. All caught up. Today has been good. I might write about it later, but I'm sure you've had enough of me talking.
1:10am, Thursday morning. Can’t sleep. Too restless, everything inside hurts. Hungry on top of heart pains. Too tired to think but too awake to sleep. I’ll lie down again in a bit. Give myself more time.
My apathy is gone. I’ve realized I can’t even pretend to be apathetic anymore. My stability is gone. This is the problem with friends. They open you up and nestle in your heart, and help you remember how to feel and care and love people. But they also know just how to cut you into pieces and tear you up inside. Without even doing anything. I miss being apathetic. It was so much easier. Every day dragged on relentlessly, but it was easy. There was no pain.
My step-dad has called me worthless at least twice. Maybe three times. He has never apologized, so he must have meant it. I don’t think he notices when he says these things, but he is always honest. So it must be true. I am worthless. Therefore, people are correct in not caring about me. Thus, everything is justified. Justified, but no less painful.
He called me worthless so long ago that I’m surprised I remember. I was in seventh grade. Maybe sixth. Maybe eighth. Does a memory still count in emotional value if you don’t remember the exact dates? Of course it does. Stupid question. Why am I still holding on to it. I don’t know anymore.
Once, he made me so angry and upset that I broke all my swimming trophies in half and threw them away. I broke a necklace I spent a week picking colors and beading. I pulled my glasses apart into six pieces. I kicked a hole through my closet wall. We didn’t have a good relationship.
I know to ignore him now. He doesn’t make me cry anymore. I think. I haven’t spoken to him in a long time. I don’t think I want to.
Mom is coming up this weekend for my birthday. I’m turning seventeen. I’m not very excited. I asked Whitney not to get me anything, but she did anyway. There’s a Five Guys burger joint opening near our house. My little brother is so excited that he tried to call me fifteen times. I missed every call. Even when I noticed he called, I couldn’t bring myself to call him back. I love him.
Grandma was ill a little while ago. She had pneumonia. She’s better now, mom said. I hope so. I don’t want her to go yet. I’m sorry.
I’m scared of people dying. I’m scared of losing people. People who believe in God amaze me. In a good way. I can’t do it, but they have so much faith in something they can never prove. It’s beautiful to me. I had to lie to my grandma about believing in God when I saw her. I wanted to cry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I’m really rambling. I’m so tired.
I’d like to know there was one person who I meant the most to. Someone who would be able to love me. Whitney says it’ll happen someday, but the more she assures me of that, the less I believe her. Hahah.
I don’t know anymore. I’m going to vanish and no one will notice. I love you all, I swear I do. I wish I wasn’t like this. You shouldn’t have to deal with me. I’m sorry.
I’m going to try sleeping again. So tired. It’s 1:20am and I’ve been typing for a long time, I guess. I don’t feel any better. Good night.
entry five
Friday night, Saturday morning, 12:28am. I can’t say I like talking to Superboy or Robin much when they’re together. Rather, I don’t like being in chat when they’re together. They only seem to see each other. Usually it’s cute. Today it just kind of made me blank. I’m not feeling insecure right now. Just tired. Exhausted. I don’t know.
I watched the series finale of Six Feet Under again. Somehow, I cried more when I didn’t know the characters. And yet, it made me more upset knowing them. That show is beautiful. I love it so much, and we’re only on the eighth episode in TV Writing. It’s so amazingly written and the music is beautiful and. I don’t know. It’s wonderful.
Had a long talk with Flash today. It was nice. …Nice being a relative term. I cried for more than half of it. I’m glad I spoke to him, though. Again, glad being relative. I’m just very empty right now. I don’t understand it. I suppose empty/blank is better than tearing myself apart and trying not to cry, though.
Picked up the first three volumes of Fables from the bookstore. Read the first. It’s pretty cool so far. I actually like it a lot.
No Young Justice today. Mmn. Forgot to read Pandora Hearts. Too distracted by everything.
Had a guest writer. Kazim Ali. He was… charmingly gay. It was adorable. He didn’t really do anything to help with my writing - can hardly remember what we even spoke about in class besides yoga, or what we did besides yoga. Oh well. At least the reading was nice.
Summarized Naruto for forty minutes or so during dinner. It was nice to make people laugh, even people who didn’t know the series. It’s too easy to make fun of.
Woke up this morning, and I felt pretty. I noticed that my skin looked soft - like someone had powdered it just right, and my hair looked nice and not just a nest. I don’t know. It’s nice to at least feel physically okay, even if my emotions are just in a state of disarray. I’m all over the place. I don’t even know what to say. Hahahah.
Tired. Forgot to do Chem homework. Did we even have Chem homework? I can’t remember.
Whitney got me the Special 2 Disc version of Under the Red Hood. I squealed so much. Whitney is far too nice to me. We also watched How to Train Your Dragon together. It was nice.
Flash called me “troubled and soft-spoken” today. Somehow, that made me feel. Confused and embarrassed? But. Not in a bad way. I don’t know. Robin said I do some off as soft-spoken sometimes. Superman and Speedy said the same, actually. When I asked. I didn’t realize I came off that way. I’ve never considered myself soft-spoken, so it just. Kind of. Surprised me. The troubled part I understand, hahah. But. Soft-spoken. Jesus. I dunno.
He also told me that him, Speedy and Batman… worry about me. About me. I just. I don’t know what to say to that. I was so touched, but at the same time, I just. I don’t want them to worry, at all. I don’t mean to make people worried. I’m sorry I do.
But I’m alright today. I guess. I got a cookie from my dorm parent. Still tired. Going to try to sleep soon. 12:45am, good night.
From just last night and the day before. All caught up. Today has been good. I might write about it later, but I'm sure you've had enough of me talking.