i wish you were another stranger i could disengage.
just say that we agree and then never change (soften a bit until we get along);
but that's disregard; find another friend and you discard
as you lose the argument in a cable car, hanging above as the canyon comes between.
and suddenly, i become a part of your past;
i'm becoming the part that don't last: i'm losing you and it's effortless.
without a sound, we lost sight of the ground in the throw around;
never thought you wanted to bring it down--
i won't let it go down 'till we torch it ourselves.
and everyone knows i'm in over my head.
Hey guys; I'm trying to be cheerful. Is it working? I bet it is.
It's nice how the internet is such a mask sometimes.
Connor was expelled. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I don't know what I would have said, but that chance still would have been nice, I guess.
It's really odd. I feel so ... calm. But it's not in a good way. I feel conversational, but I know I would only end up talking about depressing things. I don't want to think about it, but I'm forcing myself to. Hm.
Anyway. He's gone.
I just thought that you all, who've been well-wishing and what-not... I just thought you guys would like to know the outcome of the judicial. I found out yesterday evening, but I was so desperate not to think about it that... well, I wasn't thinking straight. I'm calm now, though, so I just wanted to tell you guys.
Thanks for being so supportive. I wish I could come here with good news, I really do. But it just feels like everything's falling apart and I randomly start crying around campus and I when I got to my room I burst into wailing sobs (which is so embarrassing; the walls are thin here and I never cry like that anymore) and I really can't handle anymore I can't I can't I just can't I feel like I'm going to break apart and I really feel like I'm just rushing and rushing and burning up and nothing's going right anymore and I know I'm worthless I'm sorry and I wish I could say something happier but I can't--
...I'm trying so hard to stay on track this year and yet everything's going wrong and now I've lost Connor and I feel like I'm going to completely shatter. I know I still have Whitney but it's not the same, and I don't want to rely on her for everything because that's so unfair to her. She has work too, and her own life and issues and friends. She doesn't need to be bothered by me whenever I need someone to talk to. And I know everyone has said it's okay to talk about my life on here but I hate it so much because I hate when people worry and it just makes me feel terrible and I can't handle it--ugh.
It's just... why now? Why? I'm struggling so much in all aspects of my life and so why now why right now why why whywhywhywhywhy--
I don't understand why now! I don't understand why it has to happen and why it has to be him and it fucking pisses me off and makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry for the rest of the day and I'm not that pathetic damn it, I'm not! So I'm just. I need to just.
...I don't know.
And it's not as if I would get this messed up just because of Connor being expelled, no. It's the weight of everything. Kelsey, my mom, my work... just. I don't know.
Kelsey's getting too suffocating for me again, too obsessive and clingy and I don't know if I love her anymore because we've both changed so much and I figured out I can't get over Erica and she's just too much to deal with I can't--
I care about her. So much. And I'm tired of how much we just hurt each other and I really thought we could work but she's like a totally different person and I am not meant to be the strong one in a relationship because I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I'm only sixteen and she's going to college next year so why do I have to be the logical rational one? She knows how insecure I am she knows and yet she still acts clingy and desperate to be with me which I understand, because I felt like that at one point but now I just--we're too different. She's not the person I remember, and that was the person I fell in love with.
Really, I'm an idiot. I'm just a total idiot. This whole thing is stupid and I don't know how to fix it anymore. I just want her to leave me alone. I don't want to talk to her right now. I care about her so much but she's just not. She's not the kind of person I can be with. And yet she tells me she loves me and wants to come to my prom and that she wishes she could hold me and--I can't handle it. I feel uncomfortable and exhausted and I don't know how to tell her without her flying off the handle at me again like she always does and god why did Connor have to go now because I just need someone to hug--
Then, while I'm trying to work through all of this emotional shit (because it's so fucking stupid and I hate myself for thinking about it so much), my mother goes and emails me this:
Ariel,
I am so bitterly disappointed. You failed your calculus test and now have a D in that class. What does it take for you to just get normal grades? Why do I have to spend half my life in tears over you? Why can't you ever just try? I don't want a rocket scientist I just want a normal daughter who studies for tests and goes to classes, is that too much to ask?
I... I don't know what to say to her anymore. I just don't. Yeah mom, I'm sorry for failing a test on a subject I've never been good at and I know you'll never believe me when I say I studied but y'know I did and I just didn't understand anything and I was so frustrated I almost ripped up my test.
And you didn't get a normal daughter. You got me; you got an artist. And it's not like you didn't know what you were getting when you adopted me, because you knew what I was like. And I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment and I'm sorry I can't be everything you want me to be, but I'm not a fucking supergirl! I have feelings and issues and I'm horrible at math no matter how hard I try and I get frustrated and hurt just like you do, and when you talk to me like all I am is a god damned failure, you know, that hurts me too.
I'm not a genius like you all seem to think. I'm not and I'm so sick of people insisting that I am. I'm not that much smarter than anyone else and in math I might as well be given a dunce cap. I don't understand it and I'm sorry I do nothing but make you cry because I'm trying my hardest but I know you'll never believe me because obviously if I try at something I will get it perfect on the first try I'm so sorry I didn't try hard enough for you I'll try harder next time and do it all correctly.
Never mind the fact that I am excelling in the classes I'm actually supposed to be good at. Never mind that I was picked to read tonight at the Parent's Weekend opening--which, by the way, she can't come to even though they're only an hour and a half away--and never mind that everyone has been telling her how well I've been doing and how hard I've been struggling to make myself a better daughter and sister and person because I know I'm terrible and worthless and I'm sorry I've never been what you wanted; I'm sorry I'll never be a marine biologist or a graphic artist or whatever the hell you wanted me to be because I just--I'm just... I'm just so sick of not being enough. I'm tired of you looking right past me. I'm not perfect. I'm going to make mistakes, mom, and I wish I could tell you all this and you could actually hear me for once. You listen but you never get it and I'm so sick of crying over how much I disappoint you because it's not like I'm happy about it--
But no. No, I'm not trying hard enough. I'm sorry, mom. I didn't realize that you wanted a perfect daughter.
It's all just too much. I'm trying and I'm drowning. That's what it feels like. I feel like I'm being crushed and I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to care anymore but I do and it hurts so much and I miss him and I wish I could just curl up and never have to wake up again. I feel like apologizing to everyone and I don't know why but I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything I am and everything I'm not and everything I can't be. I'm sorry I couldn't do this and that I can't do this and that I'm not capable of doing this or doing that. I'm sorry I'm not perfect and that I'm not smart enough and I'm sorry I'm so goddamn worthless that all I can do is hurt people and make them cry. I'm sorry I can't make anyone care about me and I'm sorry I can't trust anyone and I'm sorry I don't try hard enough I'm sorry I'm not a robot so I could be perfect and unfeeling and I'm sorry I was born and I'm sorry I'm me and not my brother and I'm sorry for everything I--
...
I'm sorry.
I can't handle anymore.
I'm just... going to calm myself down and think. Maybe I'll get a cream soda or something.
...
I'm really sorry, guys. I know this is... none of your business, and you probably don't care. I understand if you stop speaking with me, I really do. I wouldn't be upset. Honest.
I'm too upset to be bothered by anything else.
but that's disregard; find another friend and you discard
as you lose the argument in a cable car, hanging above as the canyon comes between.
and suddenly, i become a part of your past;
i'm becoming the part that don't last: i'm losing you and it's effortless.
without a sound, we lost sight of the ground in the throw around;
never thought you wanted to bring it down--
i won't let it go down 'till we torch it ourselves.
and everyone knows i'm in over my head.
Hey guys; I'm trying to be cheerful. Is it working? I bet it is.
It's nice how the internet is such a mask sometimes.
Connor was expelled. I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I don't know what I would have said, but that chance still would have been nice, I guess.
It's really odd. I feel so ... calm. But it's not in a good way. I feel conversational, but I know I would only end up talking about depressing things. I don't want to think about it, but I'm forcing myself to. Hm.
Anyway. He's gone.
I just thought that you all, who've been well-wishing and what-not... I just thought you guys would like to know the outcome of the judicial. I found out yesterday evening, but I was so desperate not to think about it that... well, I wasn't thinking straight. I'm calm now, though, so I just wanted to tell you guys.
Thanks for being so supportive. I wish I could come here with good news, I really do. But it just feels like everything's falling apart and I randomly start crying around campus and I when I got to my room I burst into wailing sobs (which is so embarrassing; the walls are thin here and I never cry like that anymore) and I really can't handle anymore I can't I can't I just can't I feel like I'm going to break apart and I really feel like I'm just rushing and rushing and burning up and nothing's going right anymore and I know I'm worthless I'm sorry and I wish I could say something happier but I can't--
...I'm trying so hard to stay on track this year and yet everything's going wrong and now I've lost Connor and I feel like I'm going to completely shatter. I know I still have Whitney but it's not the same, and I don't want to rely on her for everything because that's so unfair to her. She has work too, and her own life and issues and friends. She doesn't need to be bothered by me whenever I need someone to talk to. And I know everyone has said it's okay to talk about my life on here but I hate it so much because I hate when people worry and it just makes me feel terrible and I can't handle it--ugh.
It's just... why now? Why? I'm struggling so much in all aspects of my life and so why now why right now why why whywhywhywhywhy--
I don't understand why now! I don't understand why it has to happen and why it has to be him and it fucking pisses me off and makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry for the rest of the day and I'm not that pathetic damn it, I'm not! So I'm just. I need to just.
...I don't know.
And it's not as if I would get this messed up just because of Connor being expelled, no. It's the weight of everything. Kelsey, my mom, my work... just. I don't know.
Kelsey's getting too suffocating for me again, too obsessive and clingy and I don't know if I love her anymore because we've both changed so much and I figured out I can't get over Erica and she's just too much to deal with I can't--
I care about her. So much. And I'm tired of how much we just hurt each other and I really thought we could work but she's like a totally different person and I am not meant to be the strong one in a relationship because I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I'm only sixteen and she's going to college next year so why do I have to be the logical rational one? She knows how insecure I am she knows and yet she still acts clingy and desperate to be with me which I understand, because I felt like that at one point but now I just--we're too different. She's not the person I remember, and that was the person I fell in love with.
Really, I'm an idiot. I'm just a total idiot. This whole thing is stupid and I don't know how to fix it anymore. I just want her to leave me alone. I don't want to talk to her right now. I care about her so much but she's just not. She's not the kind of person I can be with. And yet she tells me she loves me and wants to come to my prom and that she wishes she could hold me and--I can't handle it. I feel uncomfortable and exhausted and I don't know how to tell her without her flying off the handle at me again like she always does and god why did Connor have to go now because I just need someone to hug--
Then, while I'm trying to work through all of this emotional shit (because it's so fucking stupid and I hate myself for thinking about it so much), my mother goes and emails me this:
Ariel,
I am so bitterly disappointed. You failed your calculus test and now have a D in that class. What does it take for you to just get normal grades? Why do I have to spend half my life in tears over you? Why can't you ever just try? I don't want a rocket scientist I just want a normal daughter who studies for tests and goes to classes, is that too much to ask?
I... I don't know what to say to her anymore. I just don't. Yeah mom, I'm sorry for failing a test on a subject I've never been good at and I know you'll never believe me when I say I studied but y'know I did and I just didn't understand anything and I was so frustrated I almost ripped up my test.
And you didn't get a normal daughter. You got me; you got an artist. And it's not like you didn't know what you were getting when you adopted me, because you knew what I was like. And I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment and I'm sorry I can't be everything you want me to be, but I'm not a fucking supergirl! I have feelings and issues and I'm horrible at math no matter how hard I try and I get frustrated and hurt just like you do, and when you talk to me like all I am is a god damned failure, you know, that hurts me too.
I'm not a genius like you all seem to think. I'm not and I'm so sick of people insisting that I am. I'm not that much smarter than anyone else and in math I might as well be given a dunce cap. I don't understand it and I'm sorry I do nothing but make you cry because I'm trying my hardest but I know you'll never believe me because obviously if I try at something I will get it perfect on the first try I'm so sorry I didn't try hard enough for you I'll try harder next time and do it all correctly.
Never mind the fact that I am excelling in the classes I'm actually supposed to be good at. Never mind that I was picked to read tonight at the Parent's Weekend opening--which, by the way, she can't come to even though they're only an hour and a half away--and never mind that everyone has been telling her how well I've been doing and how hard I've been struggling to make myself a better daughter and sister and person because I know I'm terrible and worthless and I'm sorry I've never been what you wanted; I'm sorry I'll never be a marine biologist or a graphic artist or whatever the hell you wanted me to be because I just--I'm just... I'm just so sick of not being enough. I'm tired of you looking right past me. I'm not perfect. I'm going to make mistakes, mom, and I wish I could tell you all this and you could actually hear me for once. You listen but you never get it and I'm so sick of crying over how much I disappoint you because it's not like I'm happy about it--
But no. No, I'm not trying hard enough. I'm sorry, mom. I didn't realize that you wanted a perfect daughter.
It's all just too much. I'm trying and I'm drowning. That's what it feels like. I feel like I'm being crushed and I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to care anymore but I do and it hurts so much and I miss him and I wish I could just curl up and never have to wake up again. I feel like apologizing to everyone and I don't know why but I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything I am and everything I'm not and everything I can't be. I'm sorry I couldn't do this and that I can't do this and that I'm not capable of doing this or doing that. I'm sorry I'm not perfect and that I'm not smart enough and I'm sorry I'm so goddamn worthless that all I can do is hurt people and make them cry. I'm sorry I can't make anyone care about me and I'm sorry I can't trust anyone and I'm sorry I don't try hard enough I'm sorry I'm not a robot so I could be perfect and unfeeling and I'm sorry I was born and I'm sorry I'm me and not my brother and I'm sorry for everything I--
...
I'm sorry.
I can't handle anymore.
I'm just... going to calm myself down and think. Maybe I'll get a cream soda or something.
...
I'm really sorry, guys. I know this is... none of your business, and you probably don't care. I understand if you stop speaking with me, I really do. I wouldn't be upset. Honest.
I'm too upset to be bothered by anything else.