(no subject)
I called my mom about seeing someone. I was crying and driving and such, but I called her. It went really well. She reacted exactly like I needed her to. Sympathetic and concerned, but not interested in the details of my problems, understanding that the reasons aren't the important part at all. We talked about insurance and money and medication and location and different stuff. She understood my concerns about the college counselors but agreed I should at least look into it. I was happy she didn't just push me into that because it's free. She also said I should look within my insurer's website for people but that if I really wanted to see this one that I was enamoured with, she was sure something could be worked out. We talked about panic disorder too. I told her about how I have panic attacks sometimes.
It was really exactly what needed to happen.
And now I just feel a little empty and a little bored. A little like I don't want to go to bed and wake up early tomorrow because I won't have anything to do or anyone to see and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling disconnected from what I perceive to be "the fun." I'm pretty sure that's a direct result of not EVER being part of "the fun" as a child. I had convinced myself that being a total outcast between ages 5 and 13 had no effect on me, but I'm starting to realize that of course it did. All the awesome friends I had in high school can't undo it. I'll always feel unpopular.
I want to get wasted or something. Run away into the middle of the night. I might just watch the Olympics. They're pretty cool, actually. Crew was on today and Canada kicked ASS. They play too much beach volleyball. Like I know it's girls in bikinis, but come ON. Women are in heptathalons and marathons and I want to see that too! I also have yet to watch any gymnastics, which is a huge shame.
How can I convince someone that I love them? I really do.
It was really exactly what needed to happen.
And now I just feel a little empty and a little bored. A little like I don't want to go to bed and wake up early tomorrow because I won't have anything to do or anyone to see and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling disconnected from what I perceive to be "the fun." I'm pretty sure that's a direct result of not EVER being part of "the fun" as a child. I had convinced myself that being a total outcast between ages 5 and 13 had no effect on me, but I'm starting to realize that of course it did. All the awesome friends I had in high school can't undo it. I'll always feel unpopular.
I want to get wasted or something. Run away into the middle of the night. I might just watch the Olympics. They're pretty cool, actually. Crew was on today and Canada kicked ASS. They play too much beach volleyball. Like I know it's girls in bikinis, but come ON. Women are in heptathalons and marathons and I want to see that too! I also have yet to watch any gymnastics, which is a huge shame.
How can I convince someone that I love them? I really do.