(no subject)
a meditation:
As far back as I can remember I've been not feeling. I've tried to force myself to feel things, but it doesn't work, because I know they're not real. Or perhaps my problem would be better stated as a delayed reaction to events. Some examples: I was sexually assaulted when I was 21, I didn't cry about it until I was 23. The other day I was half way between sleep and dreams and I heard my father's voice saying my name. (We haven't spoken in 5 years) My friend asked me "Aren't you going to call him?", I said, "No, if some thing's wrong someone will call." I'm not trying to appear proud of a cold demeanor by any means. I'm just saying that it's not happiness/sadness....it's anything. Fear, apprehension, desire, happiness, sadness, shame, embarrassment, etc.
I also think this is why I feel misunderstood from time to time. I can write things like "I don't see the point in living." and not have a suicidal thought in my head. I tried to liken it this way to my friend: You have a part of your brain that is thinking "All things must inevitably end, things I love will die.", but at the same time you're thinking that, another part of your brain is feeling it. If that part of a normal person's brain is like a satellite map of New York City at night, with synapses snapping and impulses firing across convolutions of brain tissue and charging up the cerebral cortex.....then that part of my brain is like a flickering buoy in the middle of the ocean at night, with miles of empty water below. Don't get me wrong I'm perfectly good at aping along, and even pretend just to myself I'm having them. Sometimes it feels like everyone around me is in on the same joke, and I'm just laughing along, with no idea what the punchline is.
Forget it. It's a mystery.
As far back as I can remember I've been not feeling. I've tried to force myself to feel things, but it doesn't work, because I know they're not real. Or perhaps my problem would be better stated as a delayed reaction to events. Some examples: I was sexually assaulted when I was 21, I didn't cry about it until I was 23. The other day I was half way between sleep and dreams and I heard my father's voice saying my name. (We haven't spoken in 5 years) My friend asked me "Aren't you going to call him?", I said, "No, if some thing's wrong someone will call." I'm not trying to appear proud of a cold demeanor by any means. I'm just saying that it's not happiness/sadness....it's anything. Fear, apprehension, desire, happiness, sadness, shame, embarrassment, etc.
I also think this is why I feel misunderstood from time to time. I can write things like "I don't see the point in living." and not have a suicidal thought in my head. I tried to liken it this way to my friend: You have a part of your brain that is thinking "All things must inevitably end, things I love will die.", but at the same time you're thinking that, another part of your brain is feeling it. If that part of a normal person's brain is like a satellite map of New York City at night, with synapses snapping and impulses firing across convolutions of brain tissue and charging up the cerebral cortex.....then that part of my brain is like a flickering buoy in the middle of the ocean at night, with miles of empty water below. Don't get me wrong I'm perfectly good at aping along, and even pretend just to myself I'm having them. Sometimes it feels like everyone around me is in on the same joke, and I'm just laughing along, with no idea what the punchline is.
Forget it. It's a mystery.