Oi! Edit to Fiction: The Interloper :: Part VII
So this chapter was posted for mere hours when I realize that it FAILED AT LIFE. Now it is much better, though probably not as amusing as Justin Crowe with a croquet mallet, or a really long Hermit Crab metaphor, but close!
Title: The Interloper
Pairing: Justin/Iris, Carnivale
Rating: PG
Warnings: You paid attention during the episodes right?
Spoilers: The whole show....really people, like years have passed us by.
Disclaimer: If I was cool enough to think of these people I would probably have the market cornered on world domination. Alas. That honor goes to Daniel Knauf. Magnificent bastard!
Summary: Darling, please stop confusing me, with your wishful thinking.
Author's Note: The preceding chapters are linked below, as well as lovely words and music. And of course as always, if you go to the memories section of my LJ and look under fanfiction you will see all chapters listed.
Catpower :: What Would the Community Think?
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Iris woke up early, there was still a chill on the bedroom window over her bed, she reached up and touched it, making little circles. Her and Rose had hated the winters, even in Mintern. Iris had thought of Rose many times in St. Paul, wondering how she would fare in the snow, wanting to make a joke to someone/no one next to her, before realizing that Rose was gone forever. Iris hadn't realized how deeply connected she was to her until such a great distance separated them. It seemed odd to her that there was baby and somehow they weren't both a part of it. They were supposed to be there to comfort each other through those things, the first inklings of love were to be whispered into each other's pillows, their daughters were to be named after each other, their sons to have the names of the men they, and only they, knew they had really wanted to marry.
Iris recalled the morning the two of them had been hanging sheets together in the backyard when Rose had asked her about Justin.
"Why is it you're so devoted to that boy anyway?" she'd laughed, as they balanced the sheet on the line together securing it with pins.
"He's my brother Rose, he has to do well, it's the most important thing." she'd responded, but then Rose had become more cross.
"He doesn't appreciate anything that you do for him Iris."
"He's young Rose, he will eventually, and that's all that matters."
Iris had laughed at her friend when she saw that she actually seemed angry with her for choosing to put her brother through school. "Why are you getting so upset?"
"Because Iris," she'd said, ripping the sheet out of Iris's hand and throwing it back in the basket, "you're throwing your life away and I care about you."
Iris had laughed at Rose standing there, getting red in the face and so sincere, especially about her future, which was so obviously unimportant in the scheme of things. She was after all merely a maid, and a foundling at that. But then she saw a tear forming in Rose's eye, and Iris realized that whatever it was that Rose thought was going wrong, she was serious. "Justin is meant for great things, I was meant to bear the brunt of things, that's just the way of the world Rose. We can't all be selfish all the time. Someone has to have the job of being practical, and that's me."
"What'll you do when he gets married or something Iris? Where'll you be then?" Rose had said, trying to hang another sheet by herself, but she was being too forceful, continually catching it before it slid to the ground.
"Well, I suppose then I'll be able to get on with my life Rose." She'd smiled at Rose trying hard to show her that she appreciated her concern, but that she did indeed plan on having her own life someday.
Iris laughed to herself as she surveyed her room. A memory of a gray bedroom in the early morning and a hand cupping her breast flickered briefly through her mind and Iris felt a pang of great shame move through her whole body. She realized how utterly stupid it was of her to indulge in the fantasy of Jack Tiernan being some kind of white knight. Iris knew she was well past her prime, and she never fooled herself that she was destined to be anything but alone, and really the thought didn't bother her so much. But now that she was growing more and more isolated from the world she missed that she had not had someone with her, to remember her own private life with. Who else was there to miss Rose? Who else to lament the baby? Who else for any of it. Days like this the loneliness was harder to bear than the memories themselves. Iris put on her slip and went fishing in the closet for a dress to wear, but nothing seemed appealing to her, she had no idea where the day was going to take her and she realized that it was going to be one of those days, the ones where she found herself in a funk that she couldn't get out of, when she questioned the purpose of even the most menial of tasks. Iris knew that no one was awake yet anyway, so she went downstairs without bothering to even grab her robe. It was cold, but she kind of enjoyed the discomfort. Iris moved through the kitchen but realized she wasn't really hungry. She moved into the living room and settled on the couch looking out onto the yard. The sun was slowly rising and the windows were clearing.
Iris recalled the first winter she'd spent in St. Paul, staring out of the one window in Justin's flat watching people bustle down the streets, a strange sick feeling rising up in her stomach as she wondered if any of them were keeping secrets too, but fearing that she was entirely alone. She used to fill the hours writing long letters of confession to Norman, to her mother Rose, to Rose who she would never see again, to Justin even, explaining everything that she had done, everything that she was doing. She would articulate every imperfection of her soul, until the morning hours had burned away most of her guilt, and shame. She never fully lost the feeling of being filthy, at least back then, but she didn't write those letters anymore, and Iris considered that progress. That she had accepted what she was, what it was her destiny to be. It made it easier some days to look back and realize that every single thing in the universe had been aligned for this moment now, where she laid on the couch barefoot and in a slip with the curtains wide open, and sleep finally returning to her. She noted blissfully that she didn't really care much what happened to her anymore. She was sure she would feel differently when she woke to find Sofie or Justin tiptoeing around her. She let her eyes shut and tried to daydream into real dreaming.
When she'd first moved to St. Paul she had recurrent nightmares that she was in a nursery with a crying baby, but she couldn't manage to get to the top of the crib and see over the edge of it. Through the entire dream she would be clawing frantically between the wooden slats of its sides, trying to pull the blankets away from the bundled baby inside of it, so she might get a glimpse of it, and some how soothe its incessant screams. Screams that pulled at her guts as she stood by. The dream would always end the same way: she would have finally managed to stack a chair on top of a toy box and climbed onto them so she could finally see down into the crib, to see her baby. And just as she would look over the the sides of the crib, the baby would turn into a hideously deformed monster.
Iris would wake up screaming and usually Justin would be there trying to comfort her, but the dream would have so terrified her of his touches that she would actually punch and kick at him until he retreated from her bed. After awhile Justin stopped coming into her room when she woke up screaming about her baby. It was a strange feeling of relief and hurt when she woke screaming into an empty room. It wasn't until a few weeks later that Iris had heard Justin outside of her door amidst the phantasmagoria of dreams and hazy predawn murk and shadow in her room. She realized he was sitting outside of her door. She had crept to the door listening to him listening to her. The dreams never fully subsided until they were back in Mintern, until things had returned to the way they were supposed to be. Falling back into a normal life had done much to soothe Iris's soul of the cool anomie that had managed to overtake her so completely in St. Paul. She was feeling the malaise of that time coming back on her now as she realized she could no longer think on anything suitable to drift away with into dreams. She sat up on the couch cold, tired and frustrated.
Justin was sitting in a chair next the window in his study, one leg crossed over the other, reading the bible balanced on his lap. The sun was shining directly on his head, making his greying blonde hair appear golden, radiating like a nimbus. He fidgeted absently at his high collar as Iris stood in the doorway admiring his strong build and noble profile. He cut an impressive figure in his dark clothes, even engaged in the most ordinary activities. Justin looked up at her.
Justin could sense that Iris wanted to say something, she'd been walking back and forth in front of his open door all morning in that dreadful navy blue dress he hated. Justin tried to look amenable as he waited staring at her half in shadow and half in the large sunbeam that was currently dividing the room in two. He caught himself staring at her knees, the scars across them shining up bright pink in the light as it shined at the perfect angle under the pleated hem of her skirt and its displaced shadow, they looked more menacing than he had remembered the last time he had snuck a peak as Iris dozed on the sofa a week ago. Iris tilted her head to the side, her face moving through several tentative, thoughtful expressions and finally settling into one of cool resolve. "What would you have done," she said pausing for a moment to stand up straight and relax her shoulders, "back in St. Paul, if someone had found out?"
Justin closed his bible and set it aside and turned in his chair, looking at her sober and somewhat surprised. "We've never talked about this before."
"I don't want to now Justin." she said quickly tensing up, "I just want to know what you would have done."
Justin rubbed his hands over his face for a moment thinking. "I never really thought about it, Iris."
Iris turned and quietly shut the door before turning back around, looking at him with a familiar incredulity, "What do you mean you never thought about it?"
Justin looked up at Iris almost smiling, "It just never entered my mind as a possibility."
Iris walked closer to him, looking around the room, "Of course it didn't, you've always had me to to take care of you, why would you worry?" she said, almost muttering, as though she was talking only to herself.
"I'm not a child now, and I wasn't then." Justin said allowing his tone to rise more than he wanted it to. "Get off of the cross Iris, I never forced you to do anything." he said, a kind of blasphemy he reserved especially for his sister.
Iris turned on him sharply, "Really? What would you have done if I'd said no?" Justin opened his mouth to say something before Iris cut him off, "Forced me onto a table..."
"Don't start with that Iris." Justin interrupted as he stood up and walked to her quickly, grabbing her in his arms.
Iris searched his eyes as he stood there gripping her arms. She could feel each finger digging into her arms and knew that it was going to bruise. "That never occured to you either did it? That I would say no."
"I thought it was what you wanted." Justin's expression shifted into something forlorn looking. "The nightmares...I couldn't even get near you. It killed me inside." Justin released her and began his own pacing. "It had to end." Justin turned to face her, "You have no idea what it was like to live with you all of these years, knowing."
"You never forgave me for being happy when we came back to Mintern did you? You wanted me to suffer always, like you." Iris said with surprise in her own voice.
"Iris, it was you who never forgave me. That's what the fire was really about wasn't it? You always blamed me for keeping you from that dream, from getting married, having a baby. You wanted to take it away from me. You blamed me." Justin moved close to her again.
Iris walked away from him toward the door, already trying to make an escape. "I sacrificed for you gladly. I've given you what you wanted no matter the cost to me. When I told you, when you threw me on the couch....you'd been holding that inside for years hadn't you? It was you who never forgave me. Tommy, all of it, you finally had permission to punish me, didn't you? It was never about the fire, it was about St. Paul. It was about...you never got over it." she stopped and looked down. "That's why it okay now isnt' it?" she said as she looked up at him. "You can have what you want, and my suffering becomes irrelevant doesn't it.? This is what you've always wanted. I simply played into your hand didn't I?"
Justin walked toward her again, this time taking her in his arms so she couldn't walk away. "Your suffering is that you cannot forgive yourself, I won't take the blame for that, not anymore. I always took the blame for everything. I loved you too much not to, but you've always known that, and you've always used it to your advantage."
Iris wrested free from him and looked up at him her features trembling. "Really?" she whispered, "and who's at the advantage now?" Iris turned and walked to the door opening it before Justin could stop her.
"Now you're angry." he said almost laughing, not quite understanding what had just happened.
"Really?" Iris said a decibal shy of a yell, and walked out slamming his door. Justin stood in the center of the room looking out the window then down at his feet. He went back to his chair and sat down again. He opened the bible and started trying to read, but the words all melted together on the page. He looked out the window and saw Iris making her way across the yard, with that charging walk that was so Iris. He took his bible and threw it. He watched as the pages breifly fluttered before it came crashing down on the floor. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and ran his fingers through his hair.
There was a knock in the door. "Come in." Justin called out from his chair, straightening himself up.
Sofie cracked the door, peeking her head inside. "Is everything alright Justin?"
"Yes, Sofie. A book just fell from the shelf." Justin smiled trying to hide his racing thoughts.
"Remember the Templetons are supposed to come for lunch today. Mrs. Templeton just called to tell me she'd invited that detective."
Justin reflexively rubbed his temples, "Yes, of course." He looked at Sofie, "Of course, that's fine."
Sofie sensed Justin's discomfort, she opened the door more and leaned on the jamb. "Are you sure? I could tell her your not feeling well. You don't seem in the mood for company today."
Justin smiled at Sofie. "You are an angel dear, but I couldn't encourage you to sin by having you lie." He smiled, flirting, "Now could I?"
Sofie smiled awkwardly, "I don't think God would mind me sparing someone's feelings," she dropped her eyes down and brought them back up in a coy display, "but, you are the expert."
"It'll be fine Sofie, really. But your concern is appreciated." Justin stood up and picked up his bible, tucking it neatly back into an opening on the book shelf, hoping Sofie didn't notice the title. He turned around and headed for her at the door. She quickly stood up straight and took a few steps back into the hallway. "Now, tell me, what were planning on making for lunch." he smiled as he joined her in the hallway, shutting the door to his study.
Title: The Interloper
Pairing: Justin/Iris, Carnivale
Rating: PG
Warnings: You paid attention during the episodes right?
Spoilers: The whole show....really people, like years have passed us by.
Disclaimer: If I was cool enough to think of these people I would probably have the market cornered on world domination. Alas. That honor goes to Daniel Knauf. Magnificent bastard!
Summary: Darling, please stop confusing me, with your wishful thinking.
Author's Note: The preceding chapters are linked below, as well as lovely words and music. And of course as always, if you go to the memories section of my LJ and look under fanfiction you will see all chapters listed.
Catpower :: What Would the Community Think?
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Iris woke up early, there was still a chill on the bedroom window over her bed, she reached up and touched it, making little circles. Her and Rose had hated the winters, even in Mintern. Iris had thought of Rose many times in St. Paul, wondering how she would fare in the snow, wanting to make a joke to someone/no one next to her, before realizing that Rose was gone forever. Iris hadn't realized how deeply connected she was to her until such a great distance separated them. It seemed odd to her that there was baby and somehow they weren't both a part of it. They were supposed to be there to comfort each other through those things, the first inklings of love were to be whispered into each other's pillows, their daughters were to be named after each other, their sons to have the names of the men they, and only they, knew they had really wanted to marry.
Iris recalled the morning the two of them had been hanging sheets together in the backyard when Rose had asked her about Justin.
"Why is it you're so devoted to that boy anyway?" she'd laughed, as they balanced the sheet on the line together securing it with pins.
"He's my brother Rose, he has to do well, it's the most important thing." she'd responded, but then Rose had become more cross.
"He doesn't appreciate anything that you do for him Iris."
"He's young Rose, he will eventually, and that's all that matters."
Iris had laughed at her friend when she saw that she actually seemed angry with her for choosing to put her brother through school. "Why are you getting so upset?"
"Because Iris," she'd said, ripping the sheet out of Iris's hand and throwing it back in the basket, "you're throwing your life away and I care about you."
Iris had laughed at Rose standing there, getting red in the face and so sincere, especially about her future, which was so obviously unimportant in the scheme of things. She was after all merely a maid, and a foundling at that. But then she saw a tear forming in Rose's eye, and Iris realized that whatever it was that Rose thought was going wrong, she was serious. "Justin is meant for great things, I was meant to bear the brunt of things, that's just the way of the world Rose. We can't all be selfish all the time. Someone has to have the job of being practical, and that's me."
"What'll you do when he gets married or something Iris? Where'll you be then?" Rose had said, trying to hang another sheet by herself, but she was being too forceful, continually catching it before it slid to the ground.
"Well, I suppose then I'll be able to get on with my life Rose." She'd smiled at Rose trying hard to show her that she appreciated her concern, but that she did indeed plan on having her own life someday.
Iris laughed to herself as she surveyed her room. A memory of a gray bedroom in the early morning and a hand cupping her breast flickered briefly through her mind and Iris felt a pang of great shame move through her whole body. She realized how utterly stupid it was of her to indulge in the fantasy of Jack Tiernan being some kind of white knight. Iris knew she was well past her prime, and she never fooled herself that she was destined to be anything but alone, and really the thought didn't bother her so much. But now that she was growing more and more isolated from the world she missed that she had not had someone with her, to remember her own private life with. Who else was there to miss Rose? Who else to lament the baby? Who else for any of it. Days like this the loneliness was harder to bear than the memories themselves. Iris put on her slip and went fishing in the closet for a dress to wear, but nothing seemed appealing to her, she had no idea where the day was going to take her and she realized that it was going to be one of those days, the ones where she found herself in a funk that she couldn't get out of, when she questioned the purpose of even the most menial of tasks. Iris knew that no one was awake yet anyway, so she went downstairs without bothering to even grab her robe. It was cold, but she kind of enjoyed the discomfort. Iris moved through the kitchen but realized she wasn't really hungry. She moved into the living room and settled on the couch looking out onto the yard. The sun was slowly rising and the windows were clearing.
Iris recalled the first winter she'd spent in St. Paul, staring out of the one window in Justin's flat watching people bustle down the streets, a strange sick feeling rising up in her stomach as she wondered if any of them were keeping secrets too, but fearing that she was entirely alone. She used to fill the hours writing long letters of confession to Norman, to her mother Rose, to Rose who she would never see again, to Justin even, explaining everything that she had done, everything that she was doing. She would articulate every imperfection of her soul, until the morning hours had burned away most of her guilt, and shame. She never fully lost the feeling of being filthy, at least back then, but she didn't write those letters anymore, and Iris considered that progress. That she had accepted what she was, what it was her destiny to be. It made it easier some days to look back and realize that every single thing in the universe had been aligned for this moment now, where she laid on the couch barefoot and in a slip with the curtains wide open, and sleep finally returning to her. She noted blissfully that she didn't really care much what happened to her anymore. She was sure she would feel differently when she woke to find Sofie or Justin tiptoeing around her. She let her eyes shut and tried to daydream into real dreaming.
When she'd first moved to St. Paul she had recurrent nightmares that she was in a nursery with a crying baby, but she couldn't manage to get to the top of the crib and see over the edge of it. Through the entire dream she would be clawing frantically between the wooden slats of its sides, trying to pull the blankets away from the bundled baby inside of it, so she might get a glimpse of it, and some how soothe its incessant screams. Screams that pulled at her guts as she stood by. The dream would always end the same way: she would have finally managed to stack a chair on top of a toy box and climbed onto them so she could finally see down into the crib, to see her baby. And just as she would look over the the sides of the crib, the baby would turn into a hideously deformed monster.
Iris would wake up screaming and usually Justin would be there trying to comfort her, but the dream would have so terrified her of his touches that she would actually punch and kick at him until he retreated from her bed. After awhile Justin stopped coming into her room when she woke up screaming about her baby. It was a strange feeling of relief and hurt when she woke screaming into an empty room. It wasn't until a few weeks later that Iris had heard Justin outside of her door amidst the phantasmagoria of dreams and hazy predawn murk and shadow in her room. She realized he was sitting outside of her door. She had crept to the door listening to him listening to her. The dreams never fully subsided until they were back in Mintern, until things had returned to the way they were supposed to be. Falling back into a normal life had done much to soothe Iris's soul of the cool anomie that had managed to overtake her so completely in St. Paul. She was feeling the malaise of that time coming back on her now as she realized she could no longer think on anything suitable to drift away with into dreams. She sat up on the couch cold, tired and frustrated.
Justin was sitting in a chair next the window in his study, one leg crossed over the other, reading the bible balanced on his lap. The sun was shining directly on his head, making his greying blonde hair appear golden, radiating like a nimbus. He fidgeted absently at his high collar as Iris stood in the doorway admiring his strong build and noble profile. He cut an impressive figure in his dark clothes, even engaged in the most ordinary activities. Justin looked up at her.
Justin could sense that Iris wanted to say something, she'd been walking back and forth in front of his open door all morning in that dreadful navy blue dress he hated. Justin tried to look amenable as he waited staring at her half in shadow and half in the large sunbeam that was currently dividing the room in two. He caught himself staring at her knees, the scars across them shining up bright pink in the light as it shined at the perfect angle under the pleated hem of her skirt and its displaced shadow, they looked more menacing than he had remembered the last time he had snuck a peak as Iris dozed on the sofa a week ago. Iris tilted her head to the side, her face moving through several tentative, thoughtful expressions and finally settling into one of cool resolve. "What would you have done," she said pausing for a moment to stand up straight and relax her shoulders, "back in St. Paul, if someone had found out?"
Justin closed his bible and set it aside and turned in his chair, looking at her sober and somewhat surprised. "We've never talked about this before."
"I don't want to now Justin." she said quickly tensing up, "I just want to know what you would have done."
Justin rubbed his hands over his face for a moment thinking. "I never really thought about it, Iris."
Iris turned and quietly shut the door before turning back around, looking at him with a familiar incredulity, "What do you mean you never thought about it?"
Justin looked up at Iris almost smiling, "It just never entered my mind as a possibility."
Iris walked closer to him, looking around the room, "Of course it didn't, you've always had me to to take care of you, why would you worry?" she said, almost muttering, as though she was talking only to herself.
"I'm not a child now, and I wasn't then." Justin said allowing his tone to rise more than he wanted it to. "Get off of the cross Iris, I never forced you to do anything." he said, a kind of blasphemy he reserved especially for his sister.
Iris turned on him sharply, "Really? What would you have done if I'd said no?" Justin opened his mouth to say something before Iris cut him off, "Forced me onto a table..."
"Don't start with that Iris." Justin interrupted as he stood up and walked to her quickly, grabbing her in his arms.
Iris searched his eyes as he stood there gripping her arms. She could feel each finger digging into her arms and knew that it was going to bruise. "That never occured to you either did it? That I would say no."
"I thought it was what you wanted." Justin's expression shifted into something forlorn looking. "The nightmares...I couldn't even get near you. It killed me inside." Justin released her and began his own pacing. "It had to end." Justin turned to face her, "You have no idea what it was like to live with you all of these years, knowing."
"You never forgave me for being happy when we came back to Mintern did you? You wanted me to suffer always, like you." Iris said with surprise in her own voice.
"Iris, it was you who never forgave me. That's what the fire was really about wasn't it? You always blamed me for keeping you from that dream, from getting married, having a baby. You wanted to take it away from me. You blamed me." Justin moved close to her again.
Iris walked away from him toward the door, already trying to make an escape. "I sacrificed for you gladly. I've given you what you wanted no matter the cost to me. When I told you, when you threw me on the couch....you'd been holding that inside for years hadn't you? It was you who never forgave me. Tommy, all of it, you finally had permission to punish me, didn't you? It was never about the fire, it was about St. Paul. It was about...you never got over it." she stopped and looked down. "That's why it okay now isnt' it?" she said as she looked up at him. "You can have what you want, and my suffering becomes irrelevant doesn't it.? This is what you've always wanted. I simply played into your hand didn't I?"
Justin walked toward her again, this time taking her in his arms so she couldn't walk away. "Your suffering is that you cannot forgive yourself, I won't take the blame for that, not anymore. I always took the blame for everything. I loved you too much not to, but you've always known that, and you've always used it to your advantage."
Iris wrested free from him and looked up at him her features trembling. "Really?" she whispered, "and who's at the advantage now?" Iris turned and walked to the door opening it before Justin could stop her.
"Now you're angry." he said almost laughing, not quite understanding what had just happened.
"Really?" Iris said a decibal shy of a yell, and walked out slamming his door. Justin stood in the center of the room looking out the window then down at his feet. He went back to his chair and sat down again. He opened the bible and started trying to read, but the words all melted together on the page. He looked out the window and saw Iris making her way across the yard, with that charging walk that was so Iris. He took his bible and threw it. He watched as the pages breifly fluttered before it came crashing down on the floor. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and ran his fingers through his hair.
There was a knock in the door. "Come in." Justin called out from his chair, straightening himself up.
Sofie cracked the door, peeking her head inside. "Is everything alright Justin?"
"Yes, Sofie. A book just fell from the shelf." Justin smiled trying to hide his racing thoughts.
"Remember the Templetons are supposed to come for lunch today. Mrs. Templeton just called to tell me she'd invited that detective."
Justin reflexively rubbed his temples, "Yes, of course." He looked at Sofie, "Of course, that's fine."
Sofie sensed Justin's discomfort, she opened the door more and leaned on the jamb. "Are you sure? I could tell her your not feeling well. You don't seem in the mood for company today."
Justin smiled at Sofie. "You are an angel dear, but I couldn't encourage you to sin by having you lie." He smiled, flirting, "Now could I?"
Sofie smiled awkwardly, "I don't think God would mind me sparing someone's feelings," she dropped her eyes down and brought them back up in a coy display, "but, you are the expert."
"It'll be fine Sofie, really. But your concern is appreciated." Justin stood up and picked up his bible, tucking it neatly back into an opening on the book shelf, hoping Sofie didn't notice the title. He turned around and headed for her at the door. She quickly stood up straight and took a few steps back into the hallway. "Now, tell me, what were planning on making for lunch." he smiled as he joined her in the hallway, shutting the door to his study.