Fic: He Ain't Heavy
Title: He Ain’t Heavy
Author: Manna di San Nicola
Pairing/Character(s): Gen/Rachel, Kurt, Finn, ensemble
Rating: PG-13, just to be safe.
Word Count: 2555.
Spoilers: The plot is based around events that occur in the back 9, so I’ll ballpark and say spoilers for all of Season 1.
Summary: For a prompt on the glee angst meme, here, “Finn and Kurt haven't told anyone about their families moving in together. So when Rachel sees Kurt acting all affectionate with her boyfriend, she thinks he's trying to put ideas into Finn's head again and she calls him out on it in front of the entire glee club.” It's a bit AU. And skewed in Kurt's favor.
“Daddies,” Rachel said, smoothing out her peasant skirt as she prepared herself to be open and non-judgmental to whatever advice her gay dads gave, even if it was absurd and ineffective, “I have a problem.”
“Is it about that Finn boy again?” Her gay dad Leroy asked with an eye roll, showing that he clearly was not demonstrating the proper level of gravitas that the situation merited. “Because if it is…”
“Leroy.” Her gay dad Hiram said sharply and in a chastising tone she would assume insinuated that her gay dad Leroy would be sleeping on the couch tonight if not for the fact that considering that her parents had sex filled her with stereotypical, but in no way irrational, horror.
“… then I’m sure I’d be happy to listen with a smile.” Her dad Leroy finished, fixing said smile about his face. It was really a very impressive one, remarkable in its apparent sincerity. It was such a shame that her dad Leroy had never gone into the performing arts. Rachel liked to think she’d inherited her own insincerely sincere smiles from her dad Leroy and gave him a silent bit of thanks every time she pulled one out at an audition.
“As a matter of fact, it is.” Even then, her gay dad Leroy’s smile didn’t falter. Oh, Rachel just knew he could have been a modern day African-American Rock Hudson if he’d only tried. But idle musings later, it was time for a serious discussion. “My problem is that Finn Hudson, my star-crossed love, Troy to my Gabriella, is trapped within the clutches of a vampire.”
Her daddies paused. Then they turned their heads slowly towards each other. Rachel imagine that their locked gazes meant they were collaborating in their strange parental telepathic way as to the best advice to present to her as a united force. Oh, she hoped that she and Finn would have that kind of connection one day. There would never be arguments with their children, just harmonious advice and well-intentioned anecdotes, like her dads were no doubt discussing now.
‘Okay, maybe anti-psychotics would be a good idea.’
‘I told you this would happen! I knew you’d regret it when you called that shrink a quack for diagnosing her with schizotypal personality disorder!’
‘I’m glad you can revel in your daughter’s psychosis, Leroy. It’s a sure sign of a good parent.’
‘Oh, I see how it is, Hiram Isaiah Berry. When she’s Vivien Leigh talented, she’s ‘my baby girl’, ‘my baby girl’, like you’re Zeus and she popped out of your head fully-grown. But when she’s Vivien Leigh crazy, she’s ‘your daughter’! Very mature.”
“Rachel, sweetheart.” Her gay dad Hiram began slowly, like he was afraid of upsetting her. Oh, her dads were so considerate! “Could you elaborate on who and what you mean by ‘a vampire’, please?”
“Gladly.” Rachel said with a bright smile. “One Kurt Hummel, a devious witch of a countertenor who delights in constantly assaulting Finn with his unwelcome advances and flirtation. I have a dossier with all his pertinent information, I know you’re a visual learner, Daddy.” Somehow, her daddies always knew which one she meant. It was wonderful, not having to stress about being thought to favour one parent over the other because of differing terms of endearing address.
Her gay dad Leroy responded to her consideration with a firm but polite, “Thank you, but no thank you, honey.” Rachel’s dads were so much better at communicating with teenagers with Mr. Schuester. It was enough to inspire brief and selfish fantasies of all three of her parents becoming glee club coaches. Oh, what performing child wouldn’t dream of that?
Her dad Hiram sighed. “Rachel, sugar crisp, it is possible for a straight man and a gay man to be just friends, without unrequited sexual attraction.”
“Yeah,” Her dad Leroy quipped with a devious grin, “I mean, some straight men are just plain ugly.”
“Leroy.” There was that chastising no nonsense and no sex tone again. Clearing his throat, he continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted. He was good at that. Rachel wished she could learn it from him. “It’s entirely possible that Kurt doesn’t even realize he’s flirting. Some people’s families are naturally more physically affectionate than others. I know that can be disconcerting and slightly uncomfortable for the more withdrawn among us, but it doesn’t mean this Kurt boy is some manner of predator.”
Rachel gave a sigh of her own, a pitch perfect match to her gay dad Hiram’s. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t considered these possibilities herself, at least before Kurt had given her a humiliating makeover and made his lust for Finn quite blatant. But the facts were the facts and she laid them out for her dads. “Kurt Hummel’s idea of physical affection is not sneering when you touch him. His family? Is a rough and tumble mechanic who gives pats on the back and barely anything else. I’ve seen Kurt massage Finn’s shoulders, brush off his pants as if he wasn’t trying to get close to Finn’s inseam… This isn’t nurture, daddies. It’s manipulation, plain and simple.”
“Mark my words, daddies. Kurt Hummel is just waiting to make his move.”
-
The next day, Rachel’s suspicions were proven valid.
“Finn, you have an eyelash on your face.”
That was his move? Oh, please, that was the oldest trick on the book. Her dads had probably used that one. Rachel tried to hold back vomit at how embarrassingly antiquated Kurt’s seduction tactics were. She supposed that was what happened when the only male in Lima a homosexual teen could possibly practice flirting on without being brutalized and left for dead in a gutter was a forty-year-old closeted drug dealer who’d been fired for unseemly conduct towards male students.
Which she had no way, shape or form revealed to Principal Figgins. Honestly.
Finn, being the wonderful trusting fool that he was, brushed his left cheek off with his hand and showed his face to Kurt for examination. Rachel imagined the soprano was revelling in having that privilege.
Kurt sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Finn, you still have an eyelash on your face.” It was a very good thing that Kurt had a reasonably pleasant voice because he had no talent as an actor. Honestly, even Finn should have been able to see through a lie that obvious!
Finn proceeded to run his hands all over his face, trying to get the alleged ‘eyelash’ off.
Kurt held out his hands in the universal ‘stop’ gesture. “You’re missing it entirely. Your aim is worse than a Stormtrooper’s.” Rachel had no idea what precisely that meant, but the goofy smile her boyfriend flashed in response and the little smile Kurt had on his face suggested it was some manner of private joke. Kurt had private jokes with her boyfriend! Was there no end to his manipulation?! “Hold still.”
Rachel’s hand shot up. “Mr. Schuester, I have something to say. Something I rather think needs to be said.”
Mr. Schuester naturally seemed bemused. “Okay, Rachel. The floor is yours.”
Rachel rose from her chair with grace that was only a natural result of being trained in various forms of dance since the age of three months. She cleared her throat delicately and then dove right in. “Fellow glee clubbers, I stand before you today to discuss unrequited love.”
Mr. Schue, being as tragically ignorant to the full scope of her situation as he was to most things that happened to his students, naturally tried to derail her. “Rachel, what does this have to do with the assignment?”
She blinked innocently. “Nothing, Mr. Schuester, but it’s an important announcement nevertheless.” Rachel smiled her gay dad Leroy’s smile. “I promise to be brief, but concise.”
Quickly and sharply, a voice retorted, “Concise means brief, Berry.”
Twelve sets of eyes turned to Santana in disbelief and confusion. Well, Brittany looked confused, but that wasn’t really out of the ordinary. It was entirely possible she was contemplating that Barney the Dinosaur was evidence that Jurassic Park was actually a documentary and Santana’s head just happened to be in the space she was staring off into.
Santana scoffed at her fellow students (and Mr. Schuester)’s looks. “Don’t even act like I’m not the smartest person in this room.”
“Yes, well,” Rachel continued in a tone that tried and failed to suggest that she hadn’t been interrupted at all, “as I was saying, unrequited love is something each of us has experienced. It’s a very natural part of being a human being. It can be brought on by mutual interests and platonic friendship being mistaken for more,” she looked at Mercedes not unkindly, a sentiment the other girl didn’t seem to appreciate, “or simply bad timing keeping you and your intended apart.” She smiled at Finn as she said this. He smiled back, but looked confused as to why she was making her speech. Poor naïve Finn.
“But,” and Rachel looked right at Kurt for this, “there comes a time when unrequited love stops being a point of sympathy and starts being disturbing. When you’re overly touchy with the object of your affections in a way that is not socially acceptable. When you constantly follow him around like a hungry puppy or Jacob ben Israel. When you have inside jokes that you might think mean more than they do.”
Clearing her throat again, Rachel steeled herself to continue meeting Kurt’s narrowing and unimpressed gaze. “It is at this point that the significant others of your object of desire stop keeping pets out of fear that they will be shoved in a pressure cooker.” Allusions to popular media always spiced up a speech.
“It just isn’t healthy. So for your own good and the good of all around you, take a page from Sunday In The Park With George and move. On.” She smiled brightly and took her seat once more. “Thank you for listening, fellow glee clubbers.”
There was silence for a moment, broken by Mercedes’ outraged burst of, “Oh, HELL to the no!”
Finn began to stand, a scowl on his face. “Rachel, that was so not --”
His sweet and unmerited defense of Kurt Hummel, the doll-faced femme fatale to her tragically worldly ingénue, was halted when the succubus in question laid a hand on his arm. “Finn, Mercedes, please. I can fight my own battles.”
The tiny soprano stood with his usual flourish and sashayed over to the book of sheet music Mr. Schuester had on hand. He stuck his tongue out in concentration at he flipped through the book, only to smile widely when he found whatever song he was going to try and use to convince Finn that girls had cooties or boys knew what boys liked or whatever his embarrassing angle was for his third attempt in a not-quite row.
After he handed the book to Brad, who looked it over with a nod and placed it on his piano, Kurt addressed the group at large. “You’ll have to forgive me if this sounds a bit unpolished. Rachel didn’t share that she was going to be having a jealous diva bitch fit today. Or wearing horizontal stripes.” He shuddered overdramatically, which caused several other glee clubbers to laugh.
Rachel frowned and looked down at her puce sweater. What was wrong with horizontal stripes?
“Accordingly, I didn’t have time to rehearse a retort to either of these horrendous crimes against etiquette and fashion. But I’m nothing if not quick on my feet. Brad, if you please.” Once singer and pianist nodded to one another, Kurt gave a little throat-clearing cough of his own. Copycat bitch.
Kurt didn’t have much in the way of an intro, only scant seconds of piano before his entrance, but that did nothing to deter his intensity.
“The road is long… with many a winding turn…”
Kurt was employing the lower vocal range he’d demonstrated during the Cheerios assembly when he and Mercedes had performed 4 Minutes or when he had been pretending to be straight and had sung John Cougar Mellencamp’s Pink Houses. It was impressive, but the particular song he had chosen wasn’t in Rachel’s impressive repertoire of music. Accordingly, whatever point he was trying to make was sailing completely over her head.
“He ain’t heavy… he’s my brother.”
Or maybe it was slapping her in the face.
“That was He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother by The Hollies. That was also my official announcement that Finn’s mother and my father are in a relationship, making Finn and I virtually stepbrothers. You may have noticed that Finn and I have seemed closer lately, which is because we are, again, virtually stepbrothers.”
“And for anyone who was wondering,” and Kurt looked directly at Rachel with daggers and cold fire in his eyes, “I’ve been over Finn since before Regionals last year. But thank you for showing me how pathetic you think I am by assuming that I’d spend the rest of my life pining over him when I know he’s completely unavailable and that there’s a wide world of people out there who might actually want me. You know, the way you pined when he was with Quinn and then when you were with Jesse.”
“And one more thing.” Kurt walked over to Finn, leaned in so close that they were barely a breath apart, and… plucked something off of his face. As he flicked the something away, he explained, “It was where the bridge of your nose meets your cheek. I should have just said the eyelash was on your nose, you’d never have found it otherwise. Sorry.”
True to form, Finn rubbed that exact spot with a grin. “No problem. Thanks, bro.”
Kurt smiled back affectionately, but, Rachel noticed through her keen intuition and aptitude towards body language honed through her studies in the performing arts, it seemed purely familial. “I’m going to go listen to Lady Gaga in the car and maybe scream a few times until I feel less like physically harming Rachel. Need a ride home?”
“Yeah, kinda.” Finn rubbed the back of his head like he was imposing on Kurt by needing a ride. “You did drive me here.”
“Okay. I’ll leave the air conditioning on; I know you thrive in the cold for some reason. But you know the rule!” Kurt wagged his pointer finger at Finn. It was disturbingly maternal.
Finn grinned again and waved him off. “Yeah, yeah, I have to bring you hot water bottles if you get frostbite. Get out of here! You look like my mom when you do that!”
After giving Finn a light and playful smack, Kurt left the room laughing at that comment. It sounded the way Rachel imagined the Devil’s laughter sounded, if the role of the Devil hadn’t already been filled by one Sue Sylvester.
There wasn’t a single member of the rest of New Directions that didn’t have their mouth wide open and halfway to the floor in shock.
Except for Brittany’s. She just seemed confused and raised her hand.
Mr. Schuester, himself only having just recovered from Rachel’s outburst before being sucker-punched by Kurt’s, gestured weakly to the Cheerio. “Yes, Brittany?”
“If Finn and Kurt are virtual stepbrothers, then how are they 3-D?”