Annual Sexiest Man Alive Rant
People's Sexiest Man Alive issue is my favorite thing to get angry about. It beats the Oscars and American Idol (and actual life problems), because it has no intrinsic value. Also, it combines my loves for making lists, sexually objectifying men and pop culture trends.
To hammer home how completely behind the times People is, I am listing the five latest Sexiest Men Alive and who should have won those years:
2005: Matthew McConaughey
SHOULD HAVE WON: Jake Gyllenhaal
This was the year Jake Gyllenhaal became a man. He was in three huge movies that year (Proof, Jarhead and Brokeback Mountain). He was nominated for an Oscar for one, acted the shit out of two, and looked smokin' hot in all of 'em. Plus he was totally charming on talk shows. I fully expect Jake Gyllenhaal to win this award next year, since by then he will probably be even more irrelevant.
2006: George Clooney
SHOULD HAVE WON: Leonardo DiCaprio
The fact that Leonardo DiCaprio has never won Sexiest Man Alive is enough to make you hate America. Also, untrue to the standard on which this entire list is based, Leo is not getting better-looking with age. He actually probably peaked earlier than this (around 2000 or 2002) because pretty boys do not tend to keep well (STAY STRONG, ZEFRON). But this was a really big year for Leo. He was nominated against himself at the Golden Globes for his amazing performances in The Departed and Blood Diamond. The former was a better performance; the latter was sexier. In any event, Leo's combo of brains, talent, and looks should have been enough to get him the title.
2007: Matt Damon
SHOULD HAVE WON: Justin Timberlake
Every year when the SMA is announced, I ask if Justin Timberlake has died because this is Justin Timberlake's world and we all just live in it. Justin's reign began in late 2006 with the release of FutureSex/LoveSounds, his second SNL hosting gig, and three movie roles, but he really owned us in '07 when he took FS/LS on tour and brought sexy back to the entire fucking world. He also won an Emmy for "Dick in a Box" that year.
2008: Hugh Jackman
SHOULD HAVE WON: Christian Bale
Bale became an A-list star in 2005 when Batman Begins came out. His star continued to rise in '06 with excellent turns in The Prestige (an amazing movie that you should really see if you haven't) and Rescue Dawn (Oscar-worthy). By 2007, he made Bob Dylan sexy in I'm Not There. Last year he put on the Batsuit again. AND HE STILL DIDN'T WIN. I actually did a poll last year asking who should have won. It was a toss-up between Bale and James Bond himself, Daniel Craig. I had to go with Bale because he's Patrick Bateman, although Craig also would have been a better choice than boring Hugh Jackman. Another appropriate choice would have been American hero Michael Phelps, who would have been the first athlete to win (yes, neither Brady nor Beckham nor Jeter has ever won) and only the second non-actor.
2009: Johnny Depp
SHOULD HAVE WON: Jon Hamm
My soul mate Michelle Collins did a brief analysis of the Top 15 Sexiest Men Alive and ranked them all in terms of Jon Hamm, star of "Mad Men" and THE MOST OBVIOUS CHOICE to be the Sexiest Man Alive. Hamm looks like a cartoon pilot, acts like a house afire, and stars on a red-hot television series. He is what the kids call a GQMF. He's George Clooney circa 1997 (the year of his first win) + talent. (Burn, she went there.)
And since I've brought up Clooney, let's discuss how there should not be multiple winners allowed. It should be like the presidency. It just ain't fair. Who among us truly believes that Johnny Depp is sexier now than he was when he won in 2003? I don't particularly care for Johnny Depp, have always found him overrated as an actor and even more so as a dreamboat. I am sure his peak wasn't even in 2003, but way before that, like when he made Cry-Baby.
People Who Would Made Totally Appropriate Winners This Year (if Jon Hamm did, indeed, die):
1. Robert Pattinson. I know he has been called one of the Unsexiest Men Alive. That does not change the fact that the man has literally stopped traffic with his sexiness. And that's not even up for debate. It happened. I don't even find him very sexy but I would not be angry if he won this, since he is of the moment, he belongs to 2009 (2009 does not, however, belong to him). If years from now, archeologists discovered a copy of 2009's People's Sexiest Man Alive issue and Robert Pattinson had been on the cover, that scientist would TOTALLY understand what 2009 was about, culturally. It was about vampires. And the most famous vampire of all was played by Robert Pattinson. Maybe he didn't play the game and maybe he didn't "bathe" or "smell good," but NEITHER DOES JOHNNY DEPP. And who has graced your cover more often this year, People? Who has sent more teen girls' hearts aflutter? Who else has inspired such inappropriate merchandise? It's R.Pattz. This might be the only thing he ever wins! Give a Brit a break.
2. Bradley Cooper. I must seem biased since I have loved him forever, but he is so hot right now--looks- and career-wise (There is a reason why Collins ranked him "5 Hamms"). He's constantly in the 'bloids and he had a huge breakout hit this summer.
3. Ryan Reynolds. I think even straight men can see that this man is wicked hot. Also totally busy this year! And married to the Sexiest Woman Alive. Missed opportunity.
4. Neil Patrick Harris: DUDE IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM. Everyone. Hosting the Tonys! Hosting the Emmys! Everywhere he goes he is the coolest, most charming and funny person in the room. It would be hard to deny him this. He's also a fine-lookin' man, an excellent dresser and out and proud to boot. Get with the times.
5. Shia LaBeouf: J/K. Just checking to see if you were paying attention.
6. Robert Downey Jr. It's actually hard to understand why he didn't win this. After all, his big comeback was last year, so that checks off the "just to the left of relevant" box. He is 44 which puts him right in the creamy centre of the target demo for this magazine, and in the right lighting, he has never looked better (and they say drugs are bad). The only reason I can think of that he didn't win is that I love him too much (I also consider him to be Johnny Depp's rival). There is a truly amazeballs pic of him in Esquire with a Zack Morris phone that must be my icon.
7. Levi Johnston. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUNNY THAT WOULD BE?
Here are some SMA stats for y'all to chew on:
-Four men have won the title of SMA twice: Depp ('03, '09), Clooney ('97, '06), Brad Pitt ('95, '00), Richard Gere ('93, '99).
-The youngest winner was JFK, Jr. He was 27. (1988)
-The oldest winner was Sean Connery. He was 59. (1989)
-The mean age of the winners is 39.5. Keep this written down so you can snag a man at his peak sexiness.
-Only one black man has won: Denzel Washington (in '96).
-Not a single other race has won.
-Not a single out gay man has won.
Taking all of that into consideration, it's pretty obvious why the right people never win. Clearly this magazine is run by middle-aged straight people which can be why the choices are always so old, so out of fashion and so boring.
P.S. I didn't mention Adam Lambert once, even though he is the 10th Sexiest Man Alive according to this list. Of course, he's also the 6th Unsexiest according to that other list. Oh, America.
P.P.S. There better be some Alexander Skasgard in this magazine or There Will Be Blood.
To hammer home how completely behind the times People is, I am listing the five latest Sexiest Men Alive and who should have won those years:
2005: Matthew McConaughey
SHOULD HAVE WON: Jake Gyllenhaal
This was the year Jake Gyllenhaal became a man. He was in three huge movies that year (Proof, Jarhead and Brokeback Mountain). He was nominated for an Oscar for one, acted the shit out of two, and looked smokin' hot in all of 'em. Plus he was totally charming on talk shows. I fully expect Jake Gyllenhaal to win this award next year, since by then he will probably be even more irrelevant.
2006: George Clooney
SHOULD HAVE WON: Leonardo DiCaprio
The fact that Leonardo DiCaprio has never won Sexiest Man Alive is enough to make you hate America. Also, untrue to the standard on which this entire list is based, Leo is not getting better-looking with age. He actually probably peaked earlier than this (around 2000 or 2002) because pretty boys do not tend to keep well (STAY STRONG, ZEFRON). But this was a really big year for Leo. He was nominated against himself at the Golden Globes for his amazing performances in The Departed and Blood Diamond. The former was a better performance; the latter was sexier. In any event, Leo's combo of brains, talent, and looks should have been enough to get him the title.
2007: Matt Damon
SHOULD HAVE WON: Justin Timberlake
Every year when the SMA is announced, I ask if Justin Timberlake has died because this is Justin Timberlake's world and we all just live in it. Justin's reign began in late 2006 with the release of FutureSex/LoveSounds, his second SNL hosting gig, and three movie roles, but he really owned us in '07 when he took FS/LS on tour and brought sexy back to the entire fucking world. He also won an Emmy for "Dick in a Box" that year.
2008: Hugh Jackman
SHOULD HAVE WON: Christian Bale
Bale became an A-list star in 2005 when Batman Begins came out. His star continued to rise in '06 with excellent turns in The Prestige (an amazing movie that you should really see if you haven't) and Rescue Dawn (Oscar-worthy). By 2007, he made Bob Dylan sexy in I'm Not There. Last year he put on the Batsuit again. AND HE STILL DIDN'T WIN. I actually did a poll last year asking who should have won. It was a toss-up between Bale and James Bond himself, Daniel Craig. I had to go with Bale because he's Patrick Bateman, although Craig also would have been a better choice than boring Hugh Jackman. Another appropriate choice would have been American hero Michael Phelps, who would have been the first athlete to win (yes, neither Brady nor Beckham nor Jeter has ever won) and only the second non-actor.
2009: Johnny Depp
SHOULD HAVE WON: Jon Hamm
My soul mate Michelle Collins did a brief analysis of the Top 15 Sexiest Men Alive and ranked them all in terms of Jon Hamm, star of "Mad Men" and THE MOST OBVIOUS CHOICE to be the Sexiest Man Alive. Hamm looks like a cartoon pilot, acts like a house afire, and stars on a red-hot television series. He is what the kids call a GQMF. He's George Clooney circa 1997 (the year of his first win) + talent. (Burn, she went there.)
And since I've brought up Clooney, let's discuss how there should not be multiple winners allowed. It should be like the presidency. It just ain't fair. Who among us truly believes that Johnny Depp is sexier now than he was when he won in 2003? I don't particularly care for Johnny Depp, have always found him overrated as an actor and even more so as a dreamboat. I am sure his peak wasn't even in 2003, but way before that, like when he made Cry-Baby.
People Who Would Made Totally Appropriate Winners This Year (if Jon Hamm did, indeed, die):
1. Robert Pattinson. I know he has been called one of the Unsexiest Men Alive. That does not change the fact that the man has literally stopped traffic with his sexiness. And that's not even up for debate. It happened. I don't even find him very sexy but I would not be angry if he won this, since he is of the moment, he belongs to 2009 (2009 does not, however, belong to him). If years from now, archeologists discovered a copy of 2009's People's Sexiest Man Alive issue and Robert Pattinson had been on the cover, that scientist would TOTALLY understand what 2009 was about, culturally. It was about vampires. And the most famous vampire of all was played by Robert Pattinson. Maybe he didn't play the game and maybe he didn't "bathe" or "smell good," but NEITHER DOES JOHNNY DEPP. And who has graced your cover more often this year, People? Who has sent more teen girls' hearts aflutter? Who else has inspired such inappropriate merchandise? It's R.Pattz. This might be the only thing he ever wins! Give a Brit a break.
2. Bradley Cooper. I must seem biased since I have loved him forever, but he is so hot right now--looks- and career-wise (There is a reason why Collins ranked him "5 Hamms"). He's constantly in the 'bloids and he had a huge breakout hit this summer.
3. Ryan Reynolds. I think even straight men can see that this man is wicked hot. Also totally busy this year! And married to the Sexiest Woman Alive. Missed opportunity.
4. Neil Patrick Harris: DUDE IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE AND EVERYONE LOVES HIM. Everyone. Hosting the Tonys! Hosting the Emmys! Everywhere he goes he is the coolest, most charming and funny person in the room. It would be hard to deny him this. He's also a fine-lookin' man, an excellent dresser and out and proud to boot. Get with the times.
5. Shia LaBeouf: J/K. Just checking to see if you were paying attention.
6. Robert Downey Jr. It's actually hard to understand why he didn't win this. After all, his big comeback was last year, so that checks off the "just to the left of relevant" box. He is 44 which puts him right in the creamy centre of the target demo for this magazine, and in the right lighting, he has never looked better (and they say drugs are bad). The only reason I can think of that he didn't win is that I love him too much (I also consider him to be Johnny Depp's rival). There is a truly amazeballs pic of him in Esquire with a Zack Morris phone that must be my icon.
7. Levi Johnston. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUNNY THAT WOULD BE?
Here are some SMA stats for y'all to chew on:
-Four men have won the title of SMA twice: Depp ('03, '09), Clooney ('97, '06), Brad Pitt ('95, '00), Richard Gere ('93, '99).
-The youngest winner was JFK, Jr. He was 27. (1988)
-The oldest winner was Sean Connery. He was 59. (1989)
-The mean age of the winners is 39.5. Keep this written down so you can snag a man at his peak sexiness.
-Only one black man has won: Denzel Washington (in '96).
-Not a single other race has won.
-Not a single out gay man has won.
Taking all of that into consideration, it's pretty obvious why the right people never win. Clearly this magazine is run by middle-aged straight people which can be why the choices are always so old, so out of fashion and so boring.
P.S. I didn't mention Adam Lambert once, even though he is the 10th Sexiest Man Alive according to this list. Of course, he's also the 6th Unsexiest according to that other list. Oh, America.
P.P.S. There better be some Alexander Skasgard in this magazine or There Will Be Blood.