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[mankoeponymous]

Spokeswoman from the Komen anti-cancer folks explains why fighting breast cancer is so important: "Because everyone has the right to live, to fall in love and get married, to watch their kids grow up, all of that

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[phenakistoscope]

Do you? ... I don't ask that to be rude. I ask that because I think you're probably like me. I want a husband and (potentially/maybe/possibly) kids, I think, at some point. But my problem is that I want the right husband with which to create the right children. And I'm not willing to sell out and settle. Because I think I am happier alone and searching than tied into something I don't feel right about. In fact, I have no interest in being tied into something I feel false about...at all.

I mean, if you really really wanted wife and kids, you could probably find someone (maybe not someone you're terribly attracted to) pretty fast, who'd be thrilled to have a guy who is nice and kind and cute and plays good music and makes a decent salary and has a steady job. That's what a lot of people do, as you know. They get sick of searching and sell out to whomever comes next, and wind up kind of unhappy and miserable after a few years, but in line with the societal standard of "all is right"...

But you want the right someone, like so many of us do. And I do too. And that's where it sucks. Because it's really really really really really hard to find the right person. I think you have to be proud of knowing what you want and who you are, and what things are going to make your life better and more attractive and what things aren't. I'm starting to wonder if I've been sold on the myth of "Mr Right," and "Mr. Right's family" and if maybe I need to invent my own standard of fulfillment. Like rather than pursuing a relationship, I pursue amazing friendships, I pursue new things to do, I pursue things that force me to interact with new people and that challenge myself. How do I find a family in the universe without going by the societally standard method of procreation? I dunno...that's just my thought process...do I really want a standard family? Or do I want the feeling of belonging that comes with a family and close lovingness, while being able to maintain my stout introvertedness when I need it? Because if I really wanted to be married, I probably could have been by now...

[mankoeponymous]

It's just barely theoretically plausible that maybe if I were to make massive compromises I could at least date someone. And by extension maybe marry someone. etc.

In the nineties I had a few dates and realized I considered it morally unacceptable to pursue a relationship with someone I didn't find attractive, especially if she considered me attractive. If a woman is going to be bonded to someone who doesn't gaze at her often as if she's the only woman in the world who matters...I don't want to be part of that. Solitude is killing me but that sounds worse.

I don't buy that there's necessarily ONE "Mr. Right" in the world for any woman, or even that true love has to last a long time. Something wonderful for a short time is something wonderful. I've had a few wonderful relationships, all full of compromises and flaws, each lasting about three years before she moved on. Oh, and one brief perfect fling. I never thought any of them were perfect, but I loved 'em each with all my heart.

No, it's not marriage per se that I pine for; I'm pretty sure I'm not capable of marrying someone I'm not in love with, since after all I've never even made out with anyone I wasn't in love with. Never really even wanted to.

C'est l'amour. This is my heart. It's good for falling in love with really realy good people and for being there for friends and for bleeding into poems & songs and for occasional moments of rapture. It's not good for drunken casual encounters or finding relationships. And it's getting old, and tired of its own company. And I hold little hope for it having better days ahead.