(no subject)
Every now and then I catch myself doing something thoroughly out of character. It's usually a good thing. Last night, and last week, definitely.
Because I'm NOT a character, because I'm NOT in a story. I'm in a life. Life has to be lived moving forward, and one doesn't move forward by sticking to patterns from the past, unless one wants to repeat it (which ya can't do anyway). ESPECIALLY patterns like "I've never _____" and "I could never _______" and "I'm just not the kind of person who ________" when what's filling in the blanks stands between you and something/someone you really want in your life.
Life is lived forward moving forward into uncharted waters. Life is lived forward moving forward surrounded by unknown factors and unforseeable consequences. And who you are right now is the sum total of a lot of random factors, plus a lot of choices you made and promises you kept (or broke), but you didn't really know at the time what the price would be, did you, so you gotta grade yourself mercifully on those moves.
There happen to be a few things I'm trying to make happen in my life because they'd be AWESOME and because they're unlikely. This is a blessing and a way to pass the time before cremation. But there's nothing I can do that will guarantee any results. It'd be tempting to blame everything that fails on my own fatal flaws, but the fact is, the folks who Did All The Right Things usually wind up right where I do anyway. Meanwhile, a lot of the best things that have happened in my life have been so completely random that I don't deserve much credit for them. It's like a carnival where sometimes you win even if you didn't think you were playing.
So...so you don't play to win. You play to PLAY, and to enjoy the rides and especially the company for all they're worth, because in this carnival you don't even get to take the prizes with you when you leave. MAYBE the memories, and maybe you get to leave behind some shadow of reputation for the WAY you played. But that's all.
Because I'm NOT a character, because I'm NOT in a story. I'm in a life. Life has to be lived moving forward, and one doesn't move forward by sticking to patterns from the past, unless one wants to repeat it (which ya can't do anyway). ESPECIALLY patterns like "I've never _____" and "I could never _______" and "I'm just not the kind of person who ________" when what's filling in the blanks stands between you and something/someone you really want in your life.
Life is lived forward moving forward into uncharted waters. Life is lived forward moving forward surrounded by unknown factors and unforseeable consequences. And who you are right now is the sum total of a lot of random factors, plus a lot of choices you made and promises you kept (or broke), but you didn't really know at the time what the price would be, did you, so you gotta grade yourself mercifully on those moves.
There happen to be a few things I'm trying to make happen in my life because they'd be AWESOME and because they're unlikely. This is a blessing and a way to pass the time before cremation. But there's nothing I can do that will guarantee any results. It'd be tempting to blame everything that fails on my own fatal flaws, but the fact is, the folks who Did All The Right Things usually wind up right where I do anyway. Meanwhile, a lot of the best things that have happened in my life have been so completely random that I don't deserve much credit for them. It's like a carnival where sometimes you win even if you didn't think you were playing.
So...so you don't play to win. You play to PLAY, and to enjoy the rides and especially the company for all they're worth, because in this carnival you don't even get to take the prizes with you when you leave. MAYBE the memories, and maybe you get to leave behind some shadow of reputation for the WAY you played. But that's all.