(no subject)
Its 12:09am December 26th. At least when I started writing this. I dont know why I'm writing in this fucking journal. To say everything on my mind, i could fill a fucking book. I truly believe i could fill several books after the times i spent writing out my thoughts, and experiences in some word documents. I ended up writing for hours, and filling a massive amount lines, only writing about a single situation, which I didnt even finish. Sometimes i think maybe a should write a book. I mean, it will give me something to do. Maybe i could get it published. I could write it in a weird unique style, that will make it interesting and somewhat fun to read, thus giving it some kind of likeness to readers. By doing this, maybe I could actually become a well selling book, and actually make a little money. Maybe it could become a best seller, and I could pull in alot of money, or maybe it will be turned into a movie. Who would want to read about my life and thoughts though. As much as it drives me insane, and as many views as I have on the world, and as depressed or angry i get, or how ever many troubles i have with my life or the things and people in it. Im simply just some stupid kid, bitching about problems in my perfect life, not apreciating what I have. People read some pretty weird things, and actually enjoy some pretty weird things. People enjoy things that may seem boring or pointless, but see deeper meaning in it. The crowd of people seem to be especially fond of this, i guess maybe they have a deeper sense of imagination or thought, than people who prefer to watch movies instead, I dont know. Not to mention my writing would only be frowned upon, as not only unapreciative ranting, but also stupidly bland, obvious meanings. I dont really see any need to hide my intentions behind metaphores or confusing word structures. When I see something that I find very interesting or beautiful for example, i want people to see it as I see it. I dont want them to confuse it, or get the wrong meaning of it, through individual interpritation of a metaphore. Otherwise they will never know what its truly about. Kind of like how books are. Most people read a book. They enjoy it, they get their own vision of how everything is in the book. They understand in their own way. Then when it is made into a movie, they end up not lking the movie, because their understanding of the book was different from the movie. I'm not saying people interprit things incorrectly, especially since the movies are usually alot different from the books, because the director or screen writer is very rarely ever the actually book author.
For example. Fight Club. Its pretty much about a guy who is struggling with every day boring, same old life. Looking at it from a different point of view, he is a slave to the corporate world, living life with no meaning. So he is guided through a search for higher meaning. The higher meaning of it all, is simply that there is no meaning, and no hope, to deal with this reality, they fight. The experience true adrenaline, real, painful, blissful reality. Accepting and embracing all the misery of life. Only to find out his guide was himself in a split personality scenerio. So thus he helped himself make this change. But upon furthering this reality it becomes out of control into a massive anarchist movement. Throughout the whole story, the main character shows traits, of never truly letting go of his old life. As he goes deeper into this life, he realizing, that this massive anarchist movement, of worthless people, all the same, all doing as they are told, he is becoming lost once again, and it is turning out the same as his old corporate life. Only at least then, he had an indentity, to which he at least knew himself.
This is one interpriation of fight club I have come up with, out of hundreds, maybe thousands. This is actually only one of many that I myself have. However upon further inspection of the book and movies, and I have even gotten admition from the author himself, that the book and movie is filled with homosexual meanings and metaphores. For all the audience knows, this whole book was Chuck Palahniuk's story of a guy coming to terms with himself being gay, and trying to find a new meaning to life through homosexuality.
Anyways, enough of this.
On thursday me and carmen actually hung out. We went to my house and she raped me. I was very confused and still am confused about this, to the point that i cant even bring ymself to talk about it or bring it up, because i dont know what happened, why or how i am supposed to feel about it. She didnt really rape me, just for some reason, at the moment I wanted nothing more than to feel physically, how i feel psychologically. In terms, worthless, and helpless, only waiting on the mistress that has such power over me, she could command me to kill myself, and i could do nothing but follow her ever order, knowing that she is my everything and i have no will of life without her. Whether she needs me the same way or not, is irrelvant, because she is the mistress, I am the slave. Feelings came to life. at least for a little while.
I'm not sure where we stand in our relationship after that. Everytime I said goodbye to her over the phone and such, neither of us tld eac other we loved the other one. I have said "I love you" a few times since then, but I cant remember if she responded or not. Friday, I got out of school, after stayin in detention with carmen. I walked her home, and went to my house. I took a shower and listened to music while my hair dried. I straightened my hair, then went to the bank and took out 70 dollars. I took the bus to sulivan. I took sulivan to downtown crossing. I took downtown crossing to Alewife. I took the 67 bus to arlington center. The I walked to brigham's. I got to see carmen. I ordered an oreo sunday and a root beer. I never had an oreo sunday, i just remember carmen telling me her cousin Katie always gets one, and my friend Andy got one, and It sounded really good. After that I ordered a chicken stir fry, which looked like a really healthy meal. It was good, but it wasnt prepared properly, and I had alot of extra pepper and onion peels left. Carmen finished up and we left together. We walked to a payphone where she caled her mother to tell her she was taking the bus home. She bought some eyeliner at CVS. We waited for the bus. The whole time home, Carmen was really hyper and being playful with me. When she is like that, she likes to jokingly insult me alot, and hit me. And she often likes to push me away and not sit near me for some reason. She finds it really funny to see me embaressed and in pain. She also likes to bite and scratch me alot. I play along with it mostly, but it does bother me a little deep down. I dont like when she pretends not to like me, especially since she is spending the very little time I have with her, not liking me. It also bothers me, that I cant seem to be playful back with her, or else she seems to get upset. I remember once I stuck a Funion in her mouth and she gots so upset at me, that it was one of the major problems or fights that we have had. I dont know why she gets so angry at me. There is nothing she could ever possibly do to me, to make me hate her, or not want to be near her, even if she is hitting, biting, and insuting me. Delrossi called me at the same time he always does(while Im at sullivan station with carmen). So we didnt have to take the bus. At the train station Me and Carmen were hanging out, and even proceed to making out and she actually took off her shirt and had me play with her breasts. Sometimes I feel Carmen's judgement is very skewed when she is with me. In fact I know it is. But even when I try to tell her that, she gets upset at me. Im not sure if she really gets upset or is joking, but she does the thing where she doesnt talk to me, and walks away, leaving me begging for her to stay or say something, Whenever I try to tell her that if people see her doing this, they are going to think she is a whore. She usually replies as if I called her a whore. Carmen has a conflict with being called a whore, she told me once. I believe because of the fact that she has nevereven had sex before, she finds it very small minded and ignorantly assuming of people to call her that. Kind of like how I find it very offensive to be called a druggy, because I have never done drugs in my life, I've never even smoked a cigarette. Carmen even has internal conflicts with herself about being a whore, being as she has called her self one, a few times. Once in a picture she gave me, and once written on her wrist, that I can remember. I guess Carmen not having good decision making about herself comes from either her life of solitude, not being able to have any friends from movings and from being locked up in the house. Or from her lack of self care from being raised by abusive family. I dont know for sure. I'll never know for sure. Unless I am actually her, living her life. I can never truly know everything.
Delrossi came. He was with his step brother, Rob. And they were in his friend, Mike Michete's car, who was driving.
We dropped off Carmen. I said goodbye, and I think I said I love you. I cant remember. I was going to get out with carmen and walk home, but I didnt see the point, seeing as she needed to get home as quickly as possible, and we didnt have time to hang out for a few minutes before she went in anyway. I forgot to tell her to call me. She didnt anyway. I was just going to go home, but Delrossi wanted to go Hostess Hunting. I decide, I might as well. Having fun with Delrossi helps me deal with my torment of not being with or talking to carmen. In case you didnt know, when Im not with her it drives me insane. especially when she doesnt call, because with a life as unstable as hers, I never know what could possibly be happening to her. Michete dropped off, Me, rob, and delrossi at Pat's house. We took Pat's car. We went to the factory and they loaded up the backseat with mostly DevilDogs. I didnt get out of the car. We took off. Pat had roginally planned to fuck up his ex-girlfriends house this night, but we ended up not doing it. His ex-girlfriend Tiffany, who he said has been talking shit about him. Tiffany was really smart and nice, though we was slightly overwieght, I feel pat should have stuck with her, but he ended up beign a real asshole to her and they ended up breaking up. This was probably the best Night I've ever been hostess hunting. So many good hits. This one street was just nonstop people, with nonstop throwing of snacks. This one guy I nailed right in the face, walking alone. Rob hurled an entire box of donuts at an oncoming windsheild. We swear the impact was so hard, we could hear the windsheild crack, the box flew seriously about 100 feet in the air and took like 10 seconds to land. I nailed some guy right in the ass with a pack of donuts. We barraged this nigga with his girlfriend, then when he turned his head around, he got a point blank box of devil dogs to the face. We opened fire on a big group on people outside a bar. Delrossi his this lady right across the face, that I could swear was Mrs Blake. There were some cops that stopped a guy, we slowed down and he came up to us. He asked if Pat was the one with the loud tires, since pat was screeching arund corners. Luckily we had already thrown all the snacks, so the backseat was empty. He was really nice and let us go, we didnt do anything wrong, he was just joking around with us. We ended up dropping of Andy and Rob. On the way to my house, Pat drove the wrong way down a one way into Elm st. Like he always does. Luckily enough, there was a cop right at the end of that street, seriously about 6 feet away from us. But I guess he didnt notice. I went in. I cant remember what I did after I went in, but I guess at some point I went to sleep.
The next day sucked. I slept till about 1pm on christmass eve. I have nothing to do today, my dad is working, everyone is probably out or away, I dotn knwo if carmen is working or not, but if she isnt, than she is with her family doing something. I listened to music until about 5:30. Delrossi told me to go to his house and wrap present with him if I was bored. I did. I wrapped presents for his little brother Brandon. Then he invited me to a christmas party that he was going to on his dad's side of the family. It was really uncomfortable, I had no where to sit, and no one to talk to, so I just stood there and ate some food. Later Delrossi, his brother and some cousins decided to go downstairs and play Nintendo 64. So we played Mario tennis for a while, then left. We were driving with his rich dad, with his young girlfriend and expensive car. He dropped us off at Delrossi's grandmother's house so that he could get the car. Me Delrossi and his brother Cameron, took the car to find pat, because he has left some cards in pat's car. After much fucking around, trying to fucking get pat to cooporate, we ended up going hostess hunting again, on christmas eve. This night was pretty good as well. We ended up having like 6 cars trying to hunt us down, we got in a pretty good chase with 2-3 cars hunting as all at once. Soon enough, the night ended. Went home. Lacuna Memory. Sleep. Oh wait, I remember. I checked myspace and found Carmen has actually done a chain bulletin. I decided I would do it as well. It was worst things to say after sex. I couldnt believe carmen had been on myspace, let alone doen a bulletin. I messed around for a little bit, then found she sent me a comment. She was on myspace at the moment. We had a small conversation through comments, until she left me a comment saying, "I have to go". She said she would call me when she got home, but she didnt. Im not surprised, it was like 2 in the morning.
Woke up, christmas morning. I stayed in bed for a while. I didnt feel like getting up. Someone called and woke me up. It was Carmen. First time I had spoke to her since Friday. We talked for a little bit, but soon enough she had to go. Fuck. I have no idea when she I am possibly going to speak to her again. I quickly called back her mother's cell phone. Carmen picked up and I asked her when she was going to call me. She said about 7, she sounded kind of iritated. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldnt. I went to the bathroom. Looked at my ugly mornign face in the mirror. Washed it, popped all the fucking new pimples that grow while I sleep. Then my dad asked if I wanted to open gifts. I guess. Im not too exicited. I didnt want anything and asked for nothing, but I already knew he bought me a guitar. Delrossi told me, he saw my dad buying it. I asked for one while I was playing with my sister's guitar, but after Carmen told my dad, she probably wasnt getting anything for christmas, it made me think, I'm 17 fucking years old, I dont want anything, I dont play video games, I dont watch movies much anymore, there is nothign i really want, and even if I did want something, I dont feel i deserve it. I didnt even want a guitar. I figured maybe if I had one, it would just give me something to do, maybe I could impress carmen, by getting good and learning to play some cool songs. I got a guitar, a movie, and some hygene products(deodorant, body spray, shower gel, shaving cream, stridex pads, etc). I went into my room and started listen to music and playing my guitar, The we had to go to my grandmother's house which we usually do every christmas or christmas eve. Me and my dad walked up to my mother's. I was pissed off at him because he yellsa at me for wearing ripped cloths and looking like shit. He's always done this, probably why I always hated going to my grandmother's. I sat utside near the sitewalk leaning against a railing waiting for my dad to finish whatever he was doing. He had to give my little sister her gifts. My older sister came out and talked to me. She gave a a gift card to Target. My mother tried to talked to me from a distance, but I gave no response, I didnt even look in her direction. A Cab pulled up and we took it to my grandmother's house. My grandmother, grandfather, aunt Renee, uncle Jeff, Aunt Sumiko, and cousins Tina and Alice were there as usual. My other Japanese/American cousin, Julia, is in Japan. We opened gifts. As usual everyone got mostly clothes and useless gifts. I dont have a problem with getting clothes, but most of the clothes I get I will never wear, and simply flood my room, till I clean it and thrown them out.
I sat by myself at the dining room table for a few hours. I was thinking alot. One thing I noticed, I'm the only person in my entire family that has acne. Like the previous night, I had to wear my left sleeve down, to cover the cuts on my arm. A few people asked me if anything was wrong, I said, "no". My oldest cousin Tina, tried to talk to me for a little bit, to fill her boredom. She reminds me of my older sister, she is around the same age, acts the same, and has the same habits, and interests. They eventually left. And then we stayed for longer as usual. I was really tired and layed down on the couch, while everyone was in the dining room. Finally my dad decided to leave. My grandmother drove us home. I went in, went upstairs. And once again I cant remember what I did after I went in. I think i was killing time until Carmen would call me at 7. She called me at almost exactly 7. She said she was going to call me back in 10 minutes because she had to do something. If she cant call me on time, than thats all I ask for. Just call me and tell me that, and you can call me back later. She called back and we kind of talked. I recently hate talking to Carmen on the phone. Since its a holiday, her family is always partying and having relatives and friends over, thus there is always alot of noise in the background, I cant hear carmen, and carmen cant hear me, because she doesnt pay attention and gets distracted by the people around her, ie her brother, sister, and cousin. She said she would call me back later. I think I decided to go to sleep. Took me a while to fall asleep. Before I fully fell asleep, my phone rang. It was Bryon. He called me and said, "yo I just finished watching fight club, and we gotta start clubbing again" something I've been saying, for the past few weeks. It took me a while to fall back asleep. My phone rang and woke me up at around 10:30. It was carmen. we talked for a little bit. The conversation wasnt as pleasant towards the end as it could have been, but it wasnt bad either. I hate talking to carmen over the phone recently. I asked her if I was going to be able to see her at all, once during this whole vacation. She said she didnt know, which pretty much means, its not likely. No school, for a week, either her mother is going to keep her busy all day, or she is going to sleep, and do nothing all day. Either way, she isnt aloud to leave her house because her mother doesnt let their kids go out, unless its for school or work. She eventually had to go, around 11:30. I asked her when she was going to call me again. She said, she guesses she would call me at around noon. I said, "whatever is convenient" she said, "bye" but I hung up because I was really fed up with this shit and wanted to sleep. I dont think she even knows I hung up on her. I've never hung up on Carmen before, I never hang up on anyone. I always wait for them to. I only hung up on Carmen twice before on the same night, once because she was pretending to be drunk, and then after she called back I hung up because she wanted to break up. Anyways, I couldnt go back to sleep. For some strange reason my computer screen turned. I eventually just got up, went to the bathroom, then came back and started using the computer. Bryon IM'd me. I said maybe one thing to him. Then check myspace. Culp left me like 3 comments. Then I decided to write in my live journal. On the phone Carmen brought up my previous entry. She said, she doesnt think that should be my last entry. I guess not, seeing as I am going out with ehr again, or am I? I dont fuckign know, and I know if I ask her, she wont know either, either way, I need something to keep me busy till I can fall asleep, and wait for her to call me at noon. When I first started typing this, I started thinking about my sister. I remember at one point in our relationship, me and carmen were trying to figure out solutions and she actually suggested we find our own apartment, and she suggested maybe my older sister could help us. My older sister gave me a Target Gift card earlier today. She said her number was in it, incase I ever wanted to hang out or sumthing. Recently I've been seeing ironic signs everywhere suggesting things about me and carmen. They are not really ironic, they are just there, i probably just never say any need to pay antention to them until now. But anyways, whhen I tookt eh gift card, about half hour ago, and opened it up, to put her number in my phone. I saw the actualy gift card. It had a little graphic on it. It was a penguin.
For example. Fight Club. Its pretty much about a guy who is struggling with every day boring, same old life. Looking at it from a different point of view, he is a slave to the corporate world, living life with no meaning. So he is guided through a search for higher meaning. The higher meaning of it all, is simply that there is no meaning, and no hope, to deal with this reality, they fight. The experience true adrenaline, real, painful, blissful reality. Accepting and embracing all the misery of life. Only to find out his guide was himself in a split personality scenerio. So thus he helped himself make this change. But upon furthering this reality it becomes out of control into a massive anarchist movement. Throughout the whole story, the main character shows traits, of never truly letting go of his old life. As he goes deeper into this life, he realizing, that this massive anarchist movement, of worthless people, all the same, all doing as they are told, he is becoming lost once again, and it is turning out the same as his old corporate life. Only at least then, he had an indentity, to which he at least knew himself.
This is one interpriation of fight club I have come up with, out of hundreds, maybe thousands. This is actually only one of many that I myself have. However upon further inspection of the book and movies, and I have even gotten admition from the author himself, that the book and movie is filled with homosexual meanings and metaphores. For all the audience knows, this whole book was Chuck Palahniuk's story of a guy coming to terms with himself being gay, and trying to find a new meaning to life through homosexuality.
Anyways, enough of this.
On thursday me and carmen actually hung out. We went to my house and she raped me. I was very confused and still am confused about this, to the point that i cant even bring ymself to talk about it or bring it up, because i dont know what happened, why or how i am supposed to feel about it. She didnt really rape me, just for some reason, at the moment I wanted nothing more than to feel physically, how i feel psychologically. In terms, worthless, and helpless, only waiting on the mistress that has such power over me, she could command me to kill myself, and i could do nothing but follow her ever order, knowing that she is my everything and i have no will of life without her. Whether she needs me the same way or not, is irrelvant, because she is the mistress, I am the slave. Feelings came to life. at least for a little while.
I'm not sure where we stand in our relationship after that. Everytime I said goodbye to her over the phone and such, neither of us tld eac other we loved the other one. I have said "I love you" a few times since then, but I cant remember if she responded or not. Friday, I got out of school, after stayin in detention with carmen. I walked her home, and went to my house. I took a shower and listened to music while my hair dried. I straightened my hair, then went to the bank and took out 70 dollars. I took the bus to sulivan. I took sulivan to downtown crossing. I took downtown crossing to Alewife. I took the 67 bus to arlington center. The I walked to brigham's. I got to see carmen. I ordered an oreo sunday and a root beer. I never had an oreo sunday, i just remember carmen telling me her cousin Katie always gets one, and my friend Andy got one, and It sounded really good. After that I ordered a chicken stir fry, which looked like a really healthy meal. It was good, but it wasnt prepared properly, and I had alot of extra pepper and onion peels left. Carmen finished up and we left together. We walked to a payphone where she caled her mother to tell her she was taking the bus home. She bought some eyeliner at CVS. We waited for the bus. The whole time home, Carmen was really hyper and being playful with me. When she is like that, she likes to jokingly insult me alot, and hit me. And she often likes to push me away and not sit near me for some reason. She finds it really funny to see me embaressed and in pain. She also likes to bite and scratch me alot. I play along with it mostly, but it does bother me a little deep down. I dont like when she pretends not to like me, especially since she is spending the very little time I have with her, not liking me. It also bothers me, that I cant seem to be playful back with her, or else she seems to get upset. I remember once I stuck a Funion in her mouth and she gots so upset at me, that it was one of the major problems or fights that we have had. I dont know why she gets so angry at me. There is nothing she could ever possibly do to me, to make me hate her, or not want to be near her, even if she is hitting, biting, and insuting me. Delrossi called me at the same time he always does(while Im at sullivan station with carmen). So we didnt have to take the bus. At the train station Me and Carmen were hanging out, and even proceed to making out and she actually took off her shirt and had me play with her breasts. Sometimes I feel Carmen's judgement is very skewed when she is with me. In fact I know it is. But even when I try to tell her that, she gets upset at me. Im not sure if she really gets upset or is joking, but she does the thing where she doesnt talk to me, and walks away, leaving me begging for her to stay or say something, Whenever I try to tell her that if people see her doing this, they are going to think she is a whore. She usually replies as if I called her a whore. Carmen has a conflict with being called a whore, she told me once. I believe because of the fact that she has nevereven had sex before, she finds it very small minded and ignorantly assuming of people to call her that. Kind of like how I find it very offensive to be called a druggy, because I have never done drugs in my life, I've never even smoked a cigarette. Carmen even has internal conflicts with herself about being a whore, being as she has called her self one, a few times. Once in a picture she gave me, and once written on her wrist, that I can remember. I guess Carmen not having good decision making about herself comes from either her life of solitude, not being able to have any friends from movings and from being locked up in the house. Or from her lack of self care from being raised by abusive family. I dont know for sure. I'll never know for sure. Unless I am actually her, living her life. I can never truly know everything.
Delrossi came. He was with his step brother, Rob. And they were in his friend, Mike Michete's car, who was driving.
We dropped off Carmen. I said goodbye, and I think I said I love you. I cant remember. I was going to get out with carmen and walk home, but I didnt see the point, seeing as she needed to get home as quickly as possible, and we didnt have time to hang out for a few minutes before she went in anyway. I forgot to tell her to call me. She didnt anyway. I was just going to go home, but Delrossi wanted to go Hostess Hunting. I decide, I might as well. Having fun with Delrossi helps me deal with my torment of not being with or talking to carmen. In case you didnt know, when Im not with her it drives me insane. especially when she doesnt call, because with a life as unstable as hers, I never know what could possibly be happening to her. Michete dropped off, Me, rob, and delrossi at Pat's house. We took Pat's car. We went to the factory and they loaded up the backseat with mostly DevilDogs. I didnt get out of the car. We took off. Pat had roginally planned to fuck up his ex-girlfriends house this night, but we ended up not doing it. His ex-girlfriend Tiffany, who he said has been talking shit about him. Tiffany was really smart and nice, though we was slightly overwieght, I feel pat should have stuck with her, but he ended up beign a real asshole to her and they ended up breaking up. This was probably the best Night I've ever been hostess hunting. So many good hits. This one street was just nonstop people, with nonstop throwing of snacks. This one guy I nailed right in the face, walking alone. Rob hurled an entire box of donuts at an oncoming windsheild. We swear the impact was so hard, we could hear the windsheild crack, the box flew seriously about 100 feet in the air and took like 10 seconds to land. I nailed some guy right in the ass with a pack of donuts. We barraged this nigga with his girlfriend, then when he turned his head around, he got a point blank box of devil dogs to the face. We opened fire on a big group on people outside a bar. Delrossi his this lady right across the face, that I could swear was Mrs Blake. There were some cops that stopped a guy, we slowed down and he came up to us. He asked if Pat was the one with the loud tires, since pat was screeching arund corners. Luckily we had already thrown all the snacks, so the backseat was empty. He was really nice and let us go, we didnt do anything wrong, he was just joking around with us. We ended up dropping of Andy and Rob. On the way to my house, Pat drove the wrong way down a one way into Elm st. Like he always does. Luckily enough, there was a cop right at the end of that street, seriously about 6 feet away from us. But I guess he didnt notice. I went in. I cant remember what I did after I went in, but I guess at some point I went to sleep.
The next day sucked. I slept till about 1pm on christmass eve. I have nothing to do today, my dad is working, everyone is probably out or away, I dotn knwo if carmen is working or not, but if she isnt, than she is with her family doing something. I listened to music until about 5:30. Delrossi told me to go to his house and wrap present with him if I was bored. I did. I wrapped presents for his little brother Brandon. Then he invited me to a christmas party that he was going to on his dad's side of the family. It was really uncomfortable, I had no where to sit, and no one to talk to, so I just stood there and ate some food. Later Delrossi, his brother and some cousins decided to go downstairs and play Nintendo 64. So we played Mario tennis for a while, then left. We were driving with his rich dad, with his young girlfriend and expensive car. He dropped us off at Delrossi's grandmother's house so that he could get the car. Me Delrossi and his brother Cameron, took the car to find pat, because he has left some cards in pat's car. After much fucking around, trying to fucking get pat to cooporate, we ended up going hostess hunting again, on christmas eve. This night was pretty good as well. We ended up having like 6 cars trying to hunt us down, we got in a pretty good chase with 2-3 cars hunting as all at once. Soon enough, the night ended. Went home. Lacuna Memory. Sleep. Oh wait, I remember. I checked myspace and found Carmen has actually done a chain bulletin. I decided I would do it as well. It was worst things to say after sex. I couldnt believe carmen had been on myspace, let alone doen a bulletin. I messed around for a little bit, then found she sent me a comment. She was on myspace at the moment. We had a small conversation through comments, until she left me a comment saying, "I have to go". She said she would call me when she got home, but she didnt. Im not surprised, it was like 2 in the morning.
Woke up, christmas morning. I stayed in bed for a while. I didnt feel like getting up. Someone called and woke me up. It was Carmen. First time I had spoke to her since Friday. We talked for a little bit, but soon enough she had to go. Fuck. I have no idea when she I am possibly going to speak to her again. I quickly called back her mother's cell phone. Carmen picked up and I asked her when she was going to call me. She said about 7, she sounded kind of iritated. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldnt. I went to the bathroom. Looked at my ugly mornign face in the mirror. Washed it, popped all the fucking new pimples that grow while I sleep. Then my dad asked if I wanted to open gifts. I guess. Im not too exicited. I didnt want anything and asked for nothing, but I already knew he bought me a guitar. Delrossi told me, he saw my dad buying it. I asked for one while I was playing with my sister's guitar, but after Carmen told my dad, she probably wasnt getting anything for christmas, it made me think, I'm 17 fucking years old, I dont want anything, I dont play video games, I dont watch movies much anymore, there is nothign i really want, and even if I did want something, I dont feel i deserve it. I didnt even want a guitar. I figured maybe if I had one, it would just give me something to do, maybe I could impress carmen, by getting good and learning to play some cool songs. I got a guitar, a movie, and some hygene products(deodorant, body spray, shower gel, shaving cream, stridex pads, etc). I went into my room and started listen to music and playing my guitar, The we had to go to my grandmother's house which we usually do every christmas or christmas eve. Me and my dad walked up to my mother's. I was pissed off at him because he yellsa at me for wearing ripped cloths and looking like shit. He's always done this, probably why I always hated going to my grandmother's. I sat utside near the sitewalk leaning against a railing waiting for my dad to finish whatever he was doing. He had to give my little sister her gifts. My older sister came out and talked to me. She gave a a gift card to Target. My mother tried to talked to me from a distance, but I gave no response, I didnt even look in her direction. A Cab pulled up and we took it to my grandmother's house. My grandmother, grandfather, aunt Renee, uncle Jeff, Aunt Sumiko, and cousins Tina and Alice were there as usual. My other Japanese/American cousin, Julia, is in Japan. We opened gifts. As usual everyone got mostly clothes and useless gifts. I dont have a problem with getting clothes, but most of the clothes I get I will never wear, and simply flood my room, till I clean it and thrown them out.
I sat by myself at the dining room table for a few hours. I was thinking alot. One thing I noticed, I'm the only person in my entire family that has acne. Like the previous night, I had to wear my left sleeve down, to cover the cuts on my arm. A few people asked me if anything was wrong, I said, "no". My oldest cousin Tina, tried to talk to me for a little bit, to fill her boredom. She reminds me of my older sister, she is around the same age, acts the same, and has the same habits, and interests. They eventually left. And then we stayed for longer as usual. I was really tired and layed down on the couch, while everyone was in the dining room. Finally my dad decided to leave. My grandmother drove us home. I went in, went upstairs. And once again I cant remember what I did after I went in. I think i was killing time until Carmen would call me at 7. She called me at almost exactly 7. She said she was going to call me back in 10 minutes because she had to do something. If she cant call me on time, than thats all I ask for. Just call me and tell me that, and you can call me back later. She called back and we kind of talked. I recently hate talking to Carmen on the phone. Since its a holiday, her family is always partying and having relatives and friends over, thus there is always alot of noise in the background, I cant hear carmen, and carmen cant hear me, because she doesnt pay attention and gets distracted by the people around her, ie her brother, sister, and cousin. She said she would call me back later. I think I decided to go to sleep. Took me a while to fall asleep. Before I fully fell asleep, my phone rang. It was Bryon. He called me and said, "yo I just finished watching fight club, and we gotta start clubbing again" something I've been saying, for the past few weeks. It took me a while to fall back asleep. My phone rang and woke me up at around 10:30. It was carmen. we talked for a little bit. The conversation wasnt as pleasant towards the end as it could have been, but it wasnt bad either. I hate talking to carmen over the phone recently. I asked her if I was going to be able to see her at all, once during this whole vacation. She said she didnt know, which pretty much means, its not likely. No school, for a week, either her mother is going to keep her busy all day, or she is going to sleep, and do nothing all day. Either way, she isnt aloud to leave her house because her mother doesnt let their kids go out, unless its for school or work. She eventually had to go, around 11:30. I asked her when she was going to call me again. She said, she guesses she would call me at around noon. I said, "whatever is convenient" she said, "bye" but I hung up because I was really fed up with this shit and wanted to sleep. I dont think she even knows I hung up on her. I've never hung up on Carmen before, I never hang up on anyone. I always wait for them to. I only hung up on Carmen twice before on the same night, once because she was pretending to be drunk, and then after she called back I hung up because she wanted to break up. Anyways, I couldnt go back to sleep. For some strange reason my computer screen turned. I eventually just got up, went to the bathroom, then came back and started using the computer. Bryon IM'd me. I said maybe one thing to him. Then check myspace. Culp left me like 3 comments. Then I decided to write in my live journal. On the phone Carmen brought up my previous entry. She said, she doesnt think that should be my last entry. I guess not, seeing as I am going out with ehr again, or am I? I dont fuckign know, and I know if I ask her, she wont know either, either way, I need something to keep me busy till I can fall asleep, and wait for her to call me at noon. When I first started typing this, I started thinking about my sister. I remember at one point in our relationship, me and carmen were trying to figure out solutions and she actually suggested we find our own apartment, and she suggested maybe my older sister could help us. My older sister gave me a Target Gift card earlier today. She said her number was in it, incase I ever wanted to hang out or sumthing. Recently I've been seeing ironic signs everywhere suggesting things about me and carmen. They are not really ironic, they are just there, i probably just never say any need to pay antention to them until now. But anyways, whhen I tookt eh gift card, about half hour ago, and opened it up, to put her number in my phone. I saw the actualy gift card. It had a little graphic on it. It was a penguin.