beat inside me, leave you blind

[mightofaknight]

[ He's pretty sure he hates the rain. It's a little excessive, he thinks, to have got caught in a summer shower when he already feels like shit, and doesn't do his pallor any favours with darkened curls sticking to pale cheeks, droplets gleaming on a blue scarf tucked tightly inside a button-down coat. It's almost as rigid as his old Rounds uniform

Comments

[draping]

[ the hours seem to go by so slowly these days. so slowly. lately he's been wishing for summer rain just to make noise on the roof so he'd have a gentle pitter-patter rhythm to give his life a soundtrack, all day, every day. it's calming and that's bad. he needs to be getting excited, being proactive, not laying sprawled so fully on the couch that his legs hang off the edge, one arm slung over half his face so that he only sees bits and pieces of the tv shows.

soooo slow, so empty and dull. one leg swings over the arm of the couch with his foot scraping the carpet to make a faint noise, on beat with one particularly loud drip of water on the windowsill.

and then the knocks happen and throw him off. he looks at the clock first, then over at the door, and then rolls sideways off the couch and takes most of the afghan with him, dragging the remainder of it along the floor behind him as he slopes over to the door and pulls it open.

and then, good gracious does his heartbeat ever pick up. ]Suzaku! Hey, what's up? Looks like you

[mightofaknight]

We need to talk.

[ It doesn't sound like his voice to his own ears. Disconnected words not representing how he feels. Doesn't look up, Gino's presence exuberant enough that Suzaku barely dares to give a glance to those blue eyes. ]

May I come in?

[draping]

Okay. Sure, c'mon.

[ worried? nah. he steps aside to let Suzaku in, wishing a fresh, fluffy towel into his hand to offer up, nice and warm. ]

Here. What's up?

[mightofaknight]

[ Closing the door, he raises a hand to stall the proffered towel, easing it back toward Gino. Feeling like his voice has died, Suzaku gathers his resolution (which seems far less focused than it ordinarily would when making a decision this momentous) and looks up, dripping barely a foot beyond the door. He doesn't think he'll need to go any further. ]

Lelouch is going to be living with me from now on. I invited him.

[ Should he be getting a migraine behind his eyes? It's there. ]

[draping]

Oh.

[ the worst thing about this all, "this all" as in, everything Suzaku has said for the past several months now, hasn't gone over his head like he makes it seem like; quite frankly, in his opinion, truly outdoing himself for best obliviously cheerful act of the year. he is the picture of unthreatened. ]

How come, is something going on with him lately?

[mightofaknight]

I've neglected him.

[ It's true enough. ]

I don't know, Gino, how to be his knight and - and be with you. [ It'd be better if he could speak without invisible hands choking the breath from his lungs. ] I told him to come and live with me so he won't be alone anymore.

[ - as if that explains everything. ]

I said I'd stay with him.

[draping]

Okay-?

[ cocks his head to the side, like, so what's the problem? looking straight at him, but his vision seems oddly blurred, sounds a little muffled, like that quickening in his heart is suddenly going too fast. ]

Being a knight and being someone's boyfriend is totally different, man. What are you so worried about? I don't mind if you look after him.

[mightofaknight]

I said I was his.

[ Why is this so difficult? He's betrayed countless people, it's unfair that he can't distance himself this time. ]

Just his.

[draping]

I don't understand.

[ oh, no, he does. a quiet voice in the back of his head that he seriously hates pipes up and claims that he's doing this on purpose, making it harder and twisting Suzaku sadistically in order to make himself feel better, but that makes him physically shake his head in revulsion and denial, frowning a little, finally. ]

Why?

[mightofaknight]

I'm his knight. [ Meant it, too - can't look up. Doesn't want to acknowledge that he's done something like this again. ] He - I'm -

[ Frowning, he shakes his head and rustles up the words he rehearsed. ]

His suffering hasn't ended.

[ ... It sounds so corny and overdone out loud that he shifts his gaze aside. No, this isn't like fighting his battles in a knightmare at all, a matter this heartfelt wears down Suzaku's walls with rapid efficiency. ]

[draping]

[ that savage little voice in the back of his head gets a little louder and he imagines himself stomping down on its source and grinding it out with his heel, gritting his teeth. he isn't surprised and he doesn't feel gipped, he just can't believe the weak, half-baked excuses he's being given. it'd be so much easier just to not hear them at all. ]

Of course it hasn't.

[mightofaknight]

[ All the noise in and out of the house silences, he stares at the floor and registers little but how evenly paced his breathing is, slow and measured before the onset of what he's fearing will come the second he leaves this house. It gets louder until he finds the presence of mind to close his mouth, a stiff nod given to recognise this - whatever it is. What am I doing? Stepping back into real time, he blinks and shuffles back a few steps. ]

I'll go.

[ Might as well be peering at the ground directly between his own feet, for as bowed as his head is. ]

[draping]

... that's all? That's really all you have to say? I thought you'd at least try to placate me--I wanted you to do that, how am I supposed to be mad at you now?

[ he is legitimately frowning more at the fact that he isn't angry than he is from actually being angry. ]

You can't leave me hanging like that, man. That was the weakest, most... most, I don't care thing I've ever heard. Breakups are supposed to be awful, I'm supposed to want to throw things and tell you to get out, not give you a hug and say I support you and it's okay, that's so stupid. That's not how it goes.

[mightofaknight]

You can do whatever you want.

[ He wouldn't stop him, not when Suzaku's in the wrong. ]

I'm not trying to hurt you ...

[draping]

I want it to hurt.

[ well, okay, it does, but not enough. not enough to fit the standard of what he thinks a breakup is supposed to be like, not like when Maxxie had somebody else and Gino called him cheap and they threw things on the floor and screamed and swore at each other and slammed doors. not on that level. aren't they all supposed to be like that? it doesn't feel right, being okay. ]

[mightofaknight]

I've never loved you.

[ Gino wants it to hurt, so Suzaku will say anything that comes to mind. He can't be speaking the actual words, though. That would require connecting with them in some way, not sounding expressionless and dead. ]

It was always him, I lied to you. I lie to everyone, I don't care.