being twenty
being twenty pretty much sucks.
well nah thats not true, being twenty for me sucks, its been one of the worst years in that its been so boring. my life is boring.
okay so i live and study in england but part of the reason i love that so much is that i get to come home and se everyone and i thought that being away would give me a chance to reinvent myself and come back here and be all cool n stuff but it didnt, im the same me.
i dont want me be the same old me, i want to change and be different. im boring.
all i do is nothing. study in england, dream about how life will be when i finish my degree in six and a half frickin years!
thats it. i go out here and get steamin. proper drunk, cause what else is there to do.
derry is boring, its the same old people and no matter how you improve your life no one here will ever care!!
also i pretty much hate how i look. hate hate hate. im nearly nine stone, like im only 5foot nothing and nearly nine stone, thats very overweight. for me, my mum keeps sayin that for my 21st (in april) i should try n be slim enough to get into my old formal dress so i can wear it to my party, which would be awesome! its an amazing dress but i cant seem to get her to understand that im two stone heavier now than i was then! i was literally 7stone. once i got to 7st5 i thought i was well fat n decided to lose it and i got back to seven but since i turned 19 its been all downhill.
so now im like a blob, a blob with pink hair. and the same boring hateful attitude ive always had, the diffrence is that when your pretty you can get away with being hateful, you can get away with a lot fo things and i used to be pretty.
now though, i suppose i just need to lose weight and get my self esteem back again, i used to be so confident!
when i left school nothing could have shaken my self confidence! i knew i looked good, i knew i was smart and i knew i was a match for anyone i had to come up against in any aspect of my life.
then things got seriously fucked up.
i know im still smart, obviously im doing architecture like, and i love it. i moved to a town where i didnt know anyone, a country where i didnt know anyone and ive made some brill friends! but i still feel like shit.
i feel like shit all the time.
and i feel bad reading back over all that cause it seems to be all about my looks! which i suppose a large part of it is, if u know you look good then your going to be confident! i know i dont so .. well whatever.
i dont know why i feel so bad about myself all the time.
i look at pictures of myself when i was 18 or 17 or smthing and all i can think is how much happier i was back then. things have been fucking up since i turned 19. while i was 18 too i suppose..
but im turning 21 in less than four months, thats a long long time to be sad.
i hate being sad and i hate having no confidence.
i should be happy, im at uni in england studying something i know i want to do for the rest of my life, that couldnt be better but i still just want to cry like all the time.
im not depressed, i can go out and have fun im just not happy like i used to be.
i miss my life. this new one isnt what i wanted at my age. im only 20 i shouldnt be sad.
whatever, i dont even know what brought on this whole feeling, its just worse tonight for some reason, i dont even know why, i had such a nice evening!
went for a meal with my best friend n then we went to the cinema for free cause one of my other besties works in the cinema then the three of us went to the bar for a drink (just one lol im not drunk)
yet i havnt felt this sad in ages.
maybe im just being silly, perhaps if i go to the gym when i get back to england and start working out every day the endorphins (sp?) will help me feel happy again, thats what they do isnt it?
and i guess that will help me feel better about my body too.
maybe.
meh i suppose this has to be the most depressin thing ive ever written in here, but im in derry atm and have no diary to confide in. so ill just post my feelings on the internet, obviously that makes perfect sence.
blerg. whatevs.
okay well thats all for now i think. might try n update this more often.
xoxo
well nah thats not true, being twenty for me sucks, its been one of the worst years in that its been so boring. my life is boring.
okay so i live and study in england but part of the reason i love that so much is that i get to come home and se everyone and i thought that being away would give me a chance to reinvent myself and come back here and be all cool n stuff but it didnt, im the same me.
i dont want me be the same old me, i want to change and be different. im boring.
all i do is nothing. study in england, dream about how life will be when i finish my degree in six and a half frickin years!
thats it. i go out here and get steamin. proper drunk, cause what else is there to do.
derry is boring, its the same old people and no matter how you improve your life no one here will ever care!!
also i pretty much hate how i look. hate hate hate. im nearly nine stone, like im only 5foot nothing and nearly nine stone, thats very overweight. for me, my mum keeps sayin that for my 21st (in april) i should try n be slim enough to get into my old formal dress so i can wear it to my party, which would be awesome! its an amazing dress but i cant seem to get her to understand that im two stone heavier now than i was then! i was literally 7stone. once i got to 7st5 i thought i was well fat n decided to lose it and i got back to seven but since i turned 19 its been all downhill.
so now im like a blob, a blob with pink hair. and the same boring hateful attitude ive always had, the diffrence is that when your pretty you can get away with being hateful, you can get away with a lot fo things and i used to be pretty.
now though, i suppose i just need to lose weight and get my self esteem back again, i used to be so confident!
when i left school nothing could have shaken my self confidence! i knew i looked good, i knew i was smart and i knew i was a match for anyone i had to come up against in any aspect of my life.
then things got seriously fucked up.
i know im still smart, obviously im doing architecture like, and i love it. i moved to a town where i didnt know anyone, a country where i didnt know anyone and ive made some brill friends! but i still feel like shit.
i feel like shit all the time.
and i feel bad reading back over all that cause it seems to be all about my looks! which i suppose a large part of it is, if u know you look good then your going to be confident! i know i dont so .. well whatever.
i dont know why i feel so bad about myself all the time.
i look at pictures of myself when i was 18 or 17 or smthing and all i can think is how much happier i was back then. things have been fucking up since i turned 19. while i was 18 too i suppose..
but im turning 21 in less than four months, thats a long long time to be sad.
i hate being sad and i hate having no confidence.
i should be happy, im at uni in england studying something i know i want to do for the rest of my life, that couldnt be better but i still just want to cry like all the time.
im not depressed, i can go out and have fun im just not happy like i used to be.
i miss my life. this new one isnt what i wanted at my age. im only 20 i shouldnt be sad.
whatever, i dont even know what brought on this whole feeling, its just worse tonight for some reason, i dont even know why, i had such a nice evening!
went for a meal with my best friend n then we went to the cinema for free cause one of my other besties works in the cinema then the three of us went to the bar for a drink (just one lol im not drunk)
yet i havnt felt this sad in ages.
maybe im just being silly, perhaps if i go to the gym when i get back to england and start working out every day the endorphins (sp?) will help me feel happy again, thats what they do isnt it?
and i guess that will help me feel better about my body too.
maybe.
meh i suppose this has to be the most depressin thing ive ever written in here, but im in derry atm and have no diary to confide in. so ill just post my feelings on the internet, obviously that makes perfect sence.
blerg. whatevs.
okay well thats all for now i think. might try n update this more often.
xoxo