(no subject)
I hung out will Jim today, it has been over a year since I had last seen him. It was nice to go out and do something. I felt like it was a wate of time. Whit and him seemed entertained. We even went to a tatoo/body art place, it is new in town. It was fun. I'm still feeling down. Kinda bored and apathetic towards everyone and everything. Vinny usually is the only entertaining spark in my life, but I guess I'm not really aloud to say that. Even he is not around, and even if he was nothing is entertaining me at all. Well Whit kinda pissed me off today..sorry. She made me feel like an idiot about Vinny. I just said I wans't going to buy him something I had planned on, and she said "well everyone would laugh at you anyways, or think you were obsessed with him." Well she doesn't have to rub her insecurities all over me. I ahte the way she tries to like direct everyone's lives, it can make me feel irritated because I feel like she is pushing me down.
Well to deeper issues, I am lonely, as already stated but I have so many people around. That same feeling I used to get a long time ago. I just don't really feel connected with anyone, They all are just taking up space. That is kind of harsh, because in a way I feel like I am the one taking of space in their lives. So essentially I am treating these people the way that I do not want to be treated. Do they know? Is it wrong to be so uncarring? So variable? Like my name I am definatley a creature of manic tendencies. I never really know what I will feel next, but with so many years of practice, and patience with all my emotions I am slowly becoming a master at understanding myself. Sometimes My apathetic state leads me into a depression about mostly being apathetic not caring about my life makes me feel like I am wasting time. Life is short and If I don't enjoy it or get something, some form of emotion out of it it is a complete waste. I remember my "Mona Lisa" days. What I wouldn't give for that again. I can at least look forward to that. I just kind of floated around geniune as hell loving everything, with that tiny smile planted on my face. Everyone knew what it was and what caused it, it was obvious, it was especially obvious to the people I live with, they know me well, the knew that smile. Boredom, that's what this is, causing me to sleep just because I wont have to think of something to do. It's been hard trying to keep awake thinking of something. Art, that is almost nothing right now. I don't want to do anything else, I try to keep busy with my work, just moving along. When I am not busy I seem to spiral into this...Nothingness. Well that is all for now, I have to find somthing to do.
Well to deeper issues, I am lonely, as already stated but I have so many people around. That same feeling I used to get a long time ago. I just don't really feel connected with anyone, They all are just taking up space. That is kind of harsh, because in a way I feel like I am the one taking of space in their lives. So essentially I am treating these people the way that I do not want to be treated. Do they know? Is it wrong to be so uncarring? So variable? Like my name I am definatley a creature of manic tendencies. I never really know what I will feel next, but with so many years of practice, and patience with all my emotions I am slowly becoming a master at understanding myself. Sometimes My apathetic state leads me into a depression about mostly being apathetic not caring about my life makes me feel like I am wasting time. Life is short and If I don't enjoy it or get something, some form of emotion out of it it is a complete waste. I remember my "Mona Lisa" days. What I wouldn't give for that again. I can at least look forward to that. I just kind of floated around geniune as hell loving everything, with that tiny smile planted on my face. Everyone knew what it was and what caused it, it was obvious, it was especially obvious to the people I live with, they know me well, the knew that smile. Boredom, that's what this is, causing me to sleep just because I wont have to think of something to do. It's been hard trying to keep awake thinking of something. Art, that is almost nothing right now. I don't want to do anything else, I try to keep busy with my work, just moving along. When I am not busy I seem to spiral into this...Nothingness. Well that is all for now, I have to find somthing to do.