the evening....
Well I always want to say so much but I get yelled at for "typing to loud" or being up to late or what not.
Well The night started well sorta. first Vinny brought a girl along that he is friends with without asking. anyways that was all good. I had fun talking away with some of the kids. Then, towards the end of the night on the way home I was treated kinda badly. Which brings me to a rant about the men in my life.
From my father to just boys I am friends with to those I care for the torture never ends. The Itallina is the most docile of them all but when he gets mean it cuts the depest. Of all the people I have cared for I know he is the best. I want for him happiness. I would like a Friendship as well. It hurts me because it reminds me how I can never find a decent person to care for. I am not saying vinny is not decent not at all. It's just that from physical to mental abuse I have suffered in a way. I cannot escape it. Reminders seeme to show up. I have been angry hopless and everything in betwen. I don't know what is left. Somdays I just stop caring all together. Loveing has brought me nowhere in life. Only hurt me. I will not give up hope. I jsut want to get out my hurt. I once was obsessed with a boy, why? only recently while reading writtings from then did I truel realize why. I needed to be loved from someone. I feel that I needed both a reason to live and a man to replace the love I didn't feel from my father. I was very suicidal. one thing I wrote about a comtemplation of ending my life made me cry so much. I didn't realize the craziness until now. I was always depressed but the obsession and everything else made it come down hard. I was abused by this boy I loved. I trusted him when I shouldn't have and he knew how to make me asha=med and embaressed and hurt like I had never felt. He used everything against me to hurt me. At some points he hit me. I know that I shouldn't have let it happen. I also hit him and tried to hurt back. Until I hurt so bad I blamed him for once I didn't want to end my own life, I wanted to hurt him. Not kill him but make him fell ashamed and scared like I did. I will not go into the actions but now that is over. An ordeal that I wil never forget. Moving on my life was changed slowly I built a new life for myself. All things were forgiven. My father he goes longer and depeer than this mentioned boy. He has tormented me my entire life. It's amazing how just the words can hurt so bad. My feeling of worthlessness started here. He is an acholic. Not to much physically violent but at times he will try to fight me. Anyway I have so many issues there that I cannot begin to touch on them tonoght. Then it setles for now on vinny. When he treats me meanly it makes me think of all the horror that has been my expeience with men. It's fnny how I am drawn to form bonds with men quicker than women anymore. Is uppose I am just looking for aaceptance proof that they are not all thae same. Well It's funny how I can shrug of the meanest things but sometimes little things make me feel like a steak being pounded into the ground. crazy analogy but it kinda feels that way.
Well I spent a good chunk of the night watching falling stars. Watching them hang in the balance then just plumet to the ground. It's really an insane thing.
Well that is all now. I needed my honesty. I had to speak, it was built up.
Sincerely,
Damaged little girl
Well The night started well sorta. first Vinny brought a girl along that he is friends with without asking. anyways that was all good. I had fun talking away with some of the kids. Then, towards the end of the night on the way home I was treated kinda badly. Which brings me to a rant about the men in my life.
From my father to just boys I am friends with to those I care for the torture never ends. The Itallina is the most docile of them all but when he gets mean it cuts the depest. Of all the people I have cared for I know he is the best. I want for him happiness. I would like a Friendship as well. It hurts me because it reminds me how I can never find a decent person to care for. I am not saying vinny is not decent not at all. It's just that from physical to mental abuse I have suffered in a way. I cannot escape it. Reminders seeme to show up. I have been angry hopless and everything in betwen. I don't know what is left. Somdays I just stop caring all together. Loveing has brought me nowhere in life. Only hurt me. I will not give up hope. I jsut want to get out my hurt. I once was obsessed with a boy, why? only recently while reading writtings from then did I truel realize why. I needed to be loved from someone. I feel that I needed both a reason to live and a man to replace the love I didn't feel from my father. I was very suicidal. one thing I wrote about a comtemplation of ending my life made me cry so much. I didn't realize the craziness until now. I was always depressed but the obsession and everything else made it come down hard. I was abused by this boy I loved. I trusted him when I shouldn't have and he knew how to make me asha=med and embaressed and hurt like I had never felt. He used everything against me to hurt me. At some points he hit me. I know that I shouldn't have let it happen. I also hit him and tried to hurt back. Until I hurt so bad I blamed him for once I didn't want to end my own life, I wanted to hurt him. Not kill him but make him fell ashamed and scared like I did. I will not go into the actions but now that is over. An ordeal that I wil never forget. Moving on my life was changed slowly I built a new life for myself. All things were forgiven. My father he goes longer and depeer than this mentioned boy. He has tormented me my entire life. It's amazing how just the words can hurt so bad. My feeling of worthlessness started here. He is an acholic. Not to much physically violent but at times he will try to fight me. Anyway I have so many issues there that I cannot begin to touch on them tonoght. Then it setles for now on vinny. When he treats me meanly it makes me think of all the horror that has been my expeience with men. It's fnny how I am drawn to form bonds with men quicker than women anymore. Is uppose I am just looking for aaceptance proof that they are not all thae same. Well It's funny how I can shrug of the meanest things but sometimes little things make me feel like a steak being pounded into the ground. crazy analogy but it kinda feels that way.
Well I spent a good chunk of the night watching falling stars. Watching them hang in the balance then just plumet to the ground. It's really an insane thing.
Well that is all now. I needed my honesty. I had to speak, it was built up.
Sincerely,
Damaged little girl