we're all mad here
well since my last post things have gone slightly askew. the side effects from the seroquel R are getting more than a little annoying. first of all I'm only getting about 6 hours of sleep on it along with the rest of my meds and then feeling like a brain dead zombie the rest of the day. plus i'm getting ferocious headaches, stomach pains, and loss of appetite. and i have these annoying muscle spasms and sometimes twitches alon with tremors.i do not know if this is the meds for me.
I am unbelievable anxious over the next two weeks. so much to do and so little time. which i think is contributing to the lack of sleep, hence why i woke up at 3am (and hour later than usual). my pdoc told me not to take the seroquel XR before my morning classes and I've been waking up between 2 and 3am everyday i don't take it. when i do take it i sleep till about 6:30am but like i said i can't focus on anything and get nothing accomplished till abuot 3pm. despite the nuvigil and my 2 cups of coffee.
yesterday was pure hell. i had a panic attack that lasted about 4 hours, and an anxiety attack that lasted most of the day. took my moath proficiency test and had the tremors so bad that the person in the office was concerned. i think i failed it but i won't find out till next week. i have a fucking quiz in bio today that i feelless than prepared for. i took countless klonopin to try to calm down yesterday to no avail. eventually crashed out around 10pm and woke up at 10 till 3am. and today is my long day, i have another class tonight from 6-8pm. I have no clue how i'm doing in it b/c she hasn't told me my test scores for the last 2 tests. so i need to talk to her about that.
I have my algebra proficiency tet of friday and then i'm at least done with that shit. I have to pass at least one of the fuckers. so thursday is devoted to cramming for that. I am going to go to my bf's apt that night to try to de-stress a bit, maybe take a bubble bath or something. my nerves are just fried.
I have never been this stressed before in my life. since i've moved back home I've had 4 breakcdowns and have been threatened with hospitaliztation twice (once very very very strongly). and it's been just about a 1yr and a half. I'm taking 90klonopin a month compared to the 30 i was taking when i lived alone and i'm now on 2 antipsychotics. somethings got to give. i new moving back would be an adjustment but i never realized it would e this bad. there;s so much damn tension and mood swings (talking about my parents) and they;re always trying to put me in the middle. my dad is the most biter person i know and when he's ina bad mood he wants the rest of the world to feel it too. i just want out. it isnt' working. but i have no where to go. they pay for my meds and my tuition so i have to put up with the bullshit,.
i just feel like i'm suffacating here, like the life is being sucked out of me. everyday i walk on eggshells trying not to upset my dad and put on a happy face so my mom doesn't feel bad about how miserable i am here. next semester is a bitch, i think i have like 5 classes so i have no clue how i'll get through that. especailly living here. when i was in a 4 yr school i took 17 credit hours and got all A;s b/c i was on my own and could study when i wanted to and do what i wanted to and didnt' have to worry about how any little thing i said or did would somehow cause a blow up. i miss that, so much is physically hurts. like a knife in my chest.
plus i think i'm getting sick which isnt' helping my moral lately. and b/c i smoke i get no sympathy, just lectures. last week my bio teacher singled me out and told me all the reasons i should quit smoking in front of the class (no exaggeration). great more pressure. how bout i just go back to purging everything i eat or cutting so no one is afflicted by my second hand cancer? would that be better? out of all my vices, the drugs, , the SI, the eating disorders, i think smoking is at the bottem of the list. I've dealt with all the other ones, am stll "recovering" from them, and somking seems the least harmful at the moment. yeah, i know 5, 10, 20 years from now i'll probably have emphasema and lung cancer but it beats dying in a pool of vomit or bleeding to death or an accidental drug overdose now. sorry for the rant. i just hate when people assume they know everything about everyone.
I'll try to be cheerier in my next posts but i have had no one to talk to for the last few days. i feel like my life is a mess and i have no clue how to fix, it.