BITCH BITCH BITCH...Tired baby needs to whine
Caution: I feel like bitching and moaning. So, if you feel like avoiding reading about it, don’t.
Why can't I stop thinking about the past? I don't get it.
I mean, there are so many things that I get caught up on and I hate it. It is irrational,
but I can't help it. It is like telling someone who is afraid of heights, "Hey you, stop being afraid of
Heights. You know that is irrational right?? So, stop being afraid of them." Easier said then done.
And it isn't just one thing on my mind about the past…it is so much. Big subjects along with little random memories, it’s everything. I had on my mind earlier today something that happened in freshman year, and all I could think about was how much I regretted it and wished I went about it differently. Well, not really regret as much as…I don’t know. What I am trying to say is why the fuck do I let things bother me. That shit was freshman year!!! Freshman year I was friends with Samantha Edmunds in first semester, I was a totally different person, and things happened for a reason. And if the happened different, I wouldn’t be sitting here now with things the way they are. I know I am letting them bother me, and I don’t want them to. I know they shouldn’t, and I know that there is no use in it. Remembering the past is one thing, but letting it bother you is totally different. I don’t fucking get it. Does everyone do this??
This summer is the worst for it, by far. See, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I really am trying, and it isn’t just on particular thing either, it is my summer vacation as a whole. My last real summer, I was miserable. I hated it. I was completely miserable. I tried not to be, but I was. I drank so much it is sickening. I drank…my god. I was drunk at least like five times a week, I drank alone sometimes, I drank alone too much. I drank too much in general actually. I didn’t show it, but god I hated it. I tried to suck it up and just keep pretending that if I acted like I was having a smashing time I would start to become happy or something. And of course, that didn’t happen. At the end I wanted to come here so much I couldn’t take it. This summer was about the worst time of my entire life, damn near close to it if not. No, I take that back…the worst time of my life was in the midst of junior year, in the middle there. But still, those two times were so shitty that comparing is really pointless, they sucked. And I keep remember other times in there where shit sucked too. As second semester of senior year went on, it got worse and worse until it went to the summer.
And this is what I really don’t get, I am happy now. Well, with the exception of school sucking Craig’s dick (wow, that expression of ours hasn’t been used in a while. I don’t feel like explaining it’s origin, but it has a funny one), and me wanted summer to get here, I am happy. I am generally happy, and I know things will be all right. And then I think back to the summer, or I am reminded by it when I see a picture, or hear a song, or so many other things, I have this feeling wash over me. It is too hard to describe…hmmm. Anger…but not towards anything really, just anger. Or that feeling of being left behind, that is a part of it somehow. I felt worthless sort of, but not really. Emo bastard…I know. I felt like I was wasting space, wasting time, wasting breath. It all seemed pointless, and I guess it really was. I had no point being there, no one cared about me, other then the people who had to such as mother and father and sister. And even if they did, they didn’t show it in the least and I honestly though and/or think they didn’t. I had nothing to care about either, so I didn’t care about anything. I used a shit load of drugs because me not caring included me not caring about myself. Apathy hit an all time high.
I feel like I should insert a disclaimer at this point. I am so not like this anymore, I really have never been. I am speaking of momentary lapses or reason, and all that nonsense. I really don’t regret anything, I learned from it all. I don’t dabble in any drug, or drink liquor daily anymore, nor will I ever. That made it all the worse, and I learned how easily you can spiral into that shit. I came out of it, and I am happy again. I am not the emo-bastard I am talking about. I just feel the need to bitch about it. I like bitching at times, as we all do. Yeah, and weed isn't a drug. I am serious. It isn't. And if you think it is, I don't care.
Yeah. So the point to all this is why can’t I just look back at the summer, along with other occasions as a time in life that happened, and I learned from it. I was unhappy then, but why should I look back and have it make me unhappy now? I should be fine with it all. I am happy with what I have now, and my life. So why does that shit matter, in the way I am making it matter?? I need to remember it, yes. To be cliché, who ever forgets their past is doomed to repeat it. But, there is no reason to let it bother me. And this bothers me. It bothers me that I let the past bother me. Yeah, I wasted a summer and was miserable…ohh well.
Are you living through that now???
No.
Will you ever?
No.
Did you learn from the many mistakes??
Yes.
Are you happy now??
Yes.
And that is why it bothers me that this shit bothers me.
Ohh, and not in the way that I get hot and bothered when I see Brad Pitt on the movie screen…the other way.
There, I am feeling better, I made homoerotic joke. That is always a good sign.
I should go to bed, it is real late and I have class tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn. I feel better though. I bitched a good amount about how stupid I can be.
I am making progress though, so I am feeling good about it. It isn’t getting to me like it use to, maybe soon it won’t do this to me at all. Actually it isn’t a maybe. So, I guess it’ll all be good.
Why can't I stop thinking about the past? I don't get it.
I mean, there are so many things that I get caught up on and I hate it. It is irrational,
but I can't help it. It is like telling someone who is afraid of heights, "Hey you, stop being afraid of
Heights. You know that is irrational right?? So, stop being afraid of them." Easier said then done.
And it isn't just one thing on my mind about the past…it is so much. Big subjects along with little random memories, it’s everything. I had on my mind earlier today something that happened in freshman year, and all I could think about was how much I regretted it and wished I went about it differently. Well, not really regret as much as…I don’t know. What I am trying to say is why the fuck do I let things bother me. That shit was freshman year!!! Freshman year I was friends with Samantha Edmunds in first semester, I was a totally different person, and things happened for a reason. And if the happened different, I wouldn’t be sitting here now with things the way they are. I know I am letting them bother me, and I don’t want them to. I know they shouldn’t, and I know that there is no use in it. Remembering the past is one thing, but letting it bother you is totally different. I don’t fucking get it. Does everyone do this??
This summer is the worst for it, by far. See, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I really am trying, and it isn’t just on particular thing either, it is my summer vacation as a whole. My last real summer, I was miserable. I hated it. I was completely miserable. I tried not to be, but I was. I drank so much it is sickening. I drank…my god. I was drunk at least like five times a week, I drank alone sometimes, I drank alone too much. I drank too much in general actually. I didn’t show it, but god I hated it. I tried to suck it up and just keep pretending that if I acted like I was having a smashing time I would start to become happy or something. And of course, that didn’t happen. At the end I wanted to come here so much I couldn’t take it. This summer was about the worst time of my entire life, damn near close to it if not. No, I take that back…the worst time of my life was in the midst of junior year, in the middle there. But still, those two times were so shitty that comparing is really pointless, they sucked. And I keep remember other times in there where shit sucked too. As second semester of senior year went on, it got worse and worse until it went to the summer.
And this is what I really don’t get, I am happy now. Well, with the exception of school sucking Craig’s dick (wow, that expression of ours hasn’t been used in a while. I don’t feel like explaining it’s origin, but it has a funny one), and me wanted summer to get here, I am happy. I am generally happy, and I know things will be all right. And then I think back to the summer, or I am reminded by it when I see a picture, or hear a song, or so many other things, I have this feeling wash over me. It is too hard to describe…hmmm. Anger…but not towards anything really, just anger. Or that feeling of being left behind, that is a part of it somehow. I felt worthless sort of, but not really. Emo bastard…I know. I felt like I was wasting space, wasting time, wasting breath. It all seemed pointless, and I guess it really was. I had no point being there, no one cared about me, other then the people who had to such as mother and father and sister. And even if they did, they didn’t show it in the least and I honestly though and/or think they didn’t. I had nothing to care about either, so I didn’t care about anything. I used a shit load of drugs because me not caring included me not caring about myself. Apathy hit an all time high.
I feel like I should insert a disclaimer at this point. I am so not like this anymore, I really have never been. I am speaking of momentary lapses or reason, and all that nonsense. I really don’t regret anything, I learned from it all. I don’t dabble in any drug, or drink liquor daily anymore, nor will I ever. That made it all the worse, and I learned how easily you can spiral into that shit. I came out of it, and I am happy again. I am not the emo-bastard I am talking about. I just feel the need to bitch about it. I like bitching at times, as we all do. Yeah, and weed isn't a drug. I am serious. It isn't. And if you think it is, I don't care.
Yeah. So the point to all this is why can’t I just look back at the summer, along with other occasions as a time in life that happened, and I learned from it. I was unhappy then, but why should I look back and have it make me unhappy now? I should be fine with it all. I am happy with what I have now, and my life. So why does that shit matter, in the way I am making it matter?? I need to remember it, yes. To be cliché, who ever forgets their past is doomed to repeat it. But, there is no reason to let it bother me. And this bothers me. It bothers me that I let the past bother me. Yeah, I wasted a summer and was miserable…ohh well.
Are you living through that now???
No.
Will you ever?
No.
Did you learn from the many mistakes??
Yes.
Are you happy now??
Yes.
And that is why it bothers me that this shit bothers me.
Ohh, and not in the way that I get hot and bothered when I see Brad Pitt on the movie screen…the other way.
There, I am feeling better, I made homoerotic joke. That is always a good sign.
I should go to bed, it is real late and I have class tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn. I feel better though. I bitched a good amount about how stupid I can be.
I am making progress though, so I am feeling good about it. It isn’t getting to me like it use to, maybe soon it won’t do this to me at all. Actually it isn’t a maybe. So, I guess it’ll all be good.