(no subject)
i keep battling with myself over whether or not i should keep posting to this thing. it's clearly not as much of a part of my life as it used to be, but i still harbor some kind of weird nostalgia for it. i think it's because i am unfaithful with keeping a paper journal. that and the fact that i have shared a fairly hefty chunk of myself with it for the past... 5 years? jesus.
i've been reading. and hanging out with Piddy. and picking sandía. i wish that i could drop everything here and go picking melons for the rest of the summer. i think that i could eventually get strong enough to not be a burden... learn how to give it a good thump and know if it's good or bad. throw them around and dumpear when they're not piddly little 8-pounders. the cross between constant human interaction and constant solitude. and i can't say that i've ever felt such distain for the fact that i am female as i do when i realize that it puts me on another playing field that, at least in la labor, can never be equal.
and while we weren't working, there were times during this past weekend when i felt so totally unextraordinary and uninteresting. like i could have easily just went away and no one would have really noticed. i like to fall back on my sense of humor to cover up my insecurities, and i worry that it's too much sometimes. i annoy even myself. but when it so happens that i feel incapable of even having a simple conversation with someone, what else is there? witty joke here, fall back on what's comfortable. be upbeat, damnit. i want to feel important to someone in the same way that those someones are important to me. and i feel as though the best way to do it is to just pull away, but at the same time, i'm afraid to. because i'm worried that they won't bother to pull me back in.
anyway i was toying for about a day with the idea of going to Mexico in July for 2 weeks... i found this great deal and was set to buy but instead i got a bicicleta instead, which i had been planning to do for the past month or so. say hello to my rootbeer-colored new mode of transportation. the little Saturn has served me well, but i'm stoked to be able to supplement it with something a little less costly. especially when i move down to I-town. the guy i bought it from actually even knew where Immokalee was and recommended a good bike shop in Ft. Myers.
my eyes hurt. and i've decided that i want to try my hand at raising chickens.
i've been reading. and hanging out with Piddy. and picking sandía. i wish that i could drop everything here and go picking melons for the rest of the summer. i think that i could eventually get strong enough to not be a burden... learn how to give it a good thump and know if it's good or bad. throw them around and dumpear when they're not piddly little 8-pounders. the cross between constant human interaction and constant solitude. and i can't say that i've ever felt such distain for the fact that i am female as i do when i realize that it puts me on another playing field that, at least in la labor, can never be equal.
and while we weren't working, there were times during this past weekend when i felt so totally unextraordinary and uninteresting. like i could have easily just went away and no one would have really noticed. i like to fall back on my sense of humor to cover up my insecurities, and i worry that it's too much sometimes. i annoy even myself. but when it so happens that i feel incapable of even having a simple conversation with someone, what else is there? witty joke here, fall back on what's comfortable. be upbeat, damnit. i want to feel important to someone in the same way that those someones are important to me. and i feel as though the best way to do it is to just pull away, but at the same time, i'm afraid to. because i'm worried that they won't bother to pull me back in.
anyway i was toying for about a day with the idea of going to Mexico in July for 2 weeks... i found this great deal and was set to buy but instead i got a bicicleta instead, which i had been planning to do for the past month or so. say hello to my rootbeer-colored new mode of transportation. the little Saturn has served me well, but i'm stoked to be able to supplement it with something a little less costly. especially when i move down to I-town. the guy i bought it from actually even knew where Immokalee was and recommended a good bike shop in Ft. Myers.
my eyes hurt. and i've decided that i want to try my hand at raising chickens.