just hate it
I just hate it. It's like i have a block at being happy anymore. I dont know how or why. So i went out with john tonight. fun fun. i had a good time even if i was "down" for a while. Met some funny people. One girl i liked that i will never see again, but hey thats how it goes sometimes. I come home. and im just scrambleing to find anyone to talk to. cuz i am already bumming out. So i go online. nobody there. So i sit and think for a minute and decide to call liz back finally. No cigar. Not even a voicemail. i get the feeling shes just ignoreing my calls. Thats wat i get for trying to call on a friday night. probably out drinking or some shit. Kinda makes me mad that when i finally decide to talk to people there fucking there. I just hate this whole thing though. i feel like shit. LIKE UTTER COMPLETE SHIT. ya sometimes i feel better, but all in all its shit. i come home and the shit just presses down on me. Somedays i would like to know why i bother. honestly there is no fucking point. but then again i shouldnt talk like that unless i was willing to commit suicide. and for those of you wondering IM NOT. like anyone even reads this anyway. liz used to, but she hasnt been online at all. no post, no IM services, and no comments. I just need to forget everything and start over. its all this stuff piled on top of me. i dont see why i continue. i dont even kno wats really wrong. and above all. the only thing i really want. is for someone to just fucking hold me and tell me "it'll all be alright". and that hurts more than anything to admit. i would give my entire world for that now. i wouldnt care anything about them, if it was just a friend, someone i liked someone i loved. someone that didnt like me. i dont care aslong as they were willing to hold me. million dollars anyone. million to the first one to do that for. I could practically beg someone for it. hold me or put me outta my misery. fuck this im done. im such a pansy