Nothing is real but pain now
Well, so much for a good surprise from Jessie. At the end of the day I just want to die more than ever. How do you show someone that no one could possibly love them as much as you do? How do you get someone to give you that one more chance that you desperately need. I just want to show her how things would be if we got back together. I'm so sure that I'm everything she wants, I just stopped showing it a long time ago. I'm not about to argue that I don't deserve another chance, I've had quite a few. It's just that I know that she's what makes me happiest in the whole world. Nothing else even comes close. No one seems to understand the feeling of finding the person you're supposed to be with and watching them walk away. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll find someone else. I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE! Being with someone else isn't going to help. It would just be temporary while I wait for Jessie to come back. That's so unfair to a person that I couldn't do that. I'd like to be able to give my heart to someone else, because it would be so easy to just forget Jessie and move on that way. But my heart will always belong to Jessie. I just have no idea how to put into words how I feel. I spend every day crying over what I've lost. When I saw her today the first thing I thought was how absolutely stunning she looked. I miss that. Just thinking about not being with her makes me want to grab my knives. I"ve been fighthing so hard to fight the urge to hurt myself, but I'm running out of resolve. I'm sure that I would rather be dead than be without her. Fortunately I don't think I'm too far off. My clothes don't fit anymore and I can feel my insides decaying. I just want to die. Before I didn't want to, it was just a lack of will to live, but now I really want to just die. Well I'm off to contemplate my knives.