(no subject)
one of my fears is that guys will back off if they know that i have manic depression. i think that they wont understand or they will think im crazy or something. i fucking hate this. why!? and then theres everyone else.....yes....the fucking FAMILY......those asshole family members who act like theyre all caring and nice when in fact they just pity you. i dont need that bullshit sympathy. and they dont talk about it thats whats worse. they pretend that they dont know. but they know. we all know. everyone knows. its just not talked about. it is the invisible carrot of the family. it is there,,,,,but people dont comment on it. and thats what kills. i have to be there smiling and acting all ladylike and shit like that and they are just watching me.....knowing it. i want to scream and hit someone !!!!!! i feel it. im malicious. the malice within me sometimes is too much to bear. im really such an angry person. i used to be depressed. now its just anger. just pure anger. but its calm. then it fumes up and it bursts. you can tell im a calm person even by the way i type, but i do have my ups and downs.